Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is oh?

48 replies

Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 16:39

Oh has got into comedy writing which I'm 1000% supportive of, proud of and his number 1 fan whenever he's on his laptop, writing or anything I leave him to get on with things but lately he's been moaping about huffing and puffing so I asked what's wrong only to be told he doesn't feel like we're a couple anymore as we don't spend anytime together. I wfh and once finished I sort ds out lunch etc then housework, ds nap time and then my time to chill whilst he's working away. Seems I can't do right for wrong and whatever I do he's not happy with but yet I don't bother when he's in the room most of the day and not with us constantly..

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/07/2020 16:42

Does he just write comedy all day and all evening?
What does he contribute to raising his son a doing his share of the chores?
Sounds like you do it all.
So if he wants more time with you then he needs to take some of the load off of you!

Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 16:43

He does his fair share with ds whilst I'm working n then once I finish I take over so he can focus

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 30/07/2020 16:52

Does he work? As in paid work?

TempestHayes · 30/07/2020 16:53

Well there's a lot to take in there.

I don't think that he, er, sits and writes comedy is really a factor. You both work and you both take care of a child. OK, so now you carve out some time in the evenings to do things together, or things at the weekends together.

He'll either go "great, let's...!" and have some suggestions, or he'll make no suggestions, reject all of your ideas and reveal he was just spoiling for a fight, which is also a possibility.

But to be fair, this is hard for all couples. Together think of some things you want to do.

(I'll also add it can be hard if your interests don't align, because if he now insists you take up golf with him or something, that's not really 'doing something together'.)

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2020 16:53

Are you happy supporting the whole family on your single income?

Has he made any money through his writing?

What does he suggest you both do in order to have more time together?

How often does he make plans for things you can do?

Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 16:56

I have tried to suggest we do things but sometimes if he had a zoom call or something to focus on he can't so I just get on and do it myself (I'm used to it) or if ds is napping and he's busy writing I'll do unnecessary housework just to keep busy but he said I use that as an excuse not to spend time with him when really I'm leaving him to concentrate

OP posts:
Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 16:58

@AnneLovesGilbert

Are you happy supporting the whole family on your single income?

Has he made any money through his writing?

What does he suggest you both do in order to have more time together?

How often does he make plans for things you can do?

I've always worked so it doesn't really bothered me too much, financially we'd be no better off with both of us working ITMS.

He's never suggested we do anything really, mostly my ideas all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 17:04

Meant to add he suggests we watch TV or a film together but usually by the time we've had dinner and settled down ourselves I end up falling asleep and get moaned at again

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 30/07/2020 17:24

So he Is a freeloader?

HollowTalk · 30/07/2020 17:28

I've always worked so it doesn't really bothered me too much, financially we'd be no better off with both of us working ITMS.

Why is that? Is it because your salary's bumped up with benefits because he's not working?

Cryalot2 · 30/07/2020 17:28

Just a thought, could he be depressed?

HollowTalk · 30/07/2020 17:29

Are you saying he spends all his day time writing, leaving you to wfh and do the cleaning and childcare, and then complains when you're tired?

HollowTalk · 30/07/2020 17:30

@AlwaysCheddar

So he Is a freeloader?
Oh god, don't say that.
Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 17:34

No I work ft not on benefits, if we both worked and paid childcare, rent and bills we'd still be in the same situation.. And yeah sometimes I get complained at for falling asleep, he says it doesn't bother him but with all the huffing I think differently

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2020 17:50

Well if huffing isn’t one of the biggest turn offs in the world I don’t know what is.

Are you happy OP?

Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 17:55

I honestly don't know how to answer that via a media site, face to face I'd smile and say of course I am. I have zero interests, pre covid I didn't socialise apart from with family and my days are usually groundhog day! I work, mummy, eat then sleep

OP posts:
Tlollj · 30/07/2020 17:58

He needs to get a proper job and stop dicking about.

DrDavidBanner · 30/07/2020 17:58

TBH it sounds like the normal mundanity of keeping house, having a full time job and a young child.You have a lot on your plate and it can feel depressing at times and you can feel like a drudge but it does get better.

I understand it must be difficult for him trying to get a new career off the ground, especialy something so personal but some parts of life you just have to get on and work with unfortunately.

Does he talk to you about his feelings or just a lot of huffing and puffing? That would drive me crazy, have you spoken to him? I think you both need to sit down and have a proper conversation about whats really going on.

Greyblueeyes · 30/07/2020 18:00

I don't think your behavior is the problem here. If I'm reading this right, your OH sounds like he wants to do his comedy while you do all of the child rearing, cleaning, and paid work. Then he wants you to entertain him. Oh, but he can't suggest anything other than tv or a movie as the entertainment. Then he huffs when you fall asleep because you are worn out.

Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 18:01

@DrDavidBanner that's what I thought as well! I remember my child hood being like this mum and dad worked, cared for us, had dinner and slept or am I missing something?

Whenever I ask what's wrong all I get it 'awk nothing' I'm fine or if I asks what's up he says 'dunno'

OP posts:
Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 18:03

@Greyblueeyes spot on! Any time I try ask him to change or help things go great for a few days then we fall into the routine of me doing it all, but personally and please excuse my language if the house is like a shit tip I'm hardly going to ignore it!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/07/2020 18:03

He needs to get a proper job and stop dicking about
Hell yeah.
How are you not seeing this is just taking the piss OP?
I don't understand your thinking on this?
Are you saying he does the childcare while you work?
What is he 'focussing' on exactly?
Does his writing make him money or is it more of a hobby?
If he is looking after your DS all day. Sorting out his breakfast, lunch and dinner and entertaining him and doing washing etc... then that is fair enough.
But I don't get that vibe from your posts!

DrDavidBanner · 30/07/2020 18:04

Okay so I was being naice but....
I don't think your behavior is the problem here. If I'm reading this right, your OH sounds like he wants to do his comedy while you do all of the child rearing, cleaning, and paid work. Then he wants you to entertain him. Oh, but he can't suggest anything other than tv or a movie as the entertainment. Then he huffs when you fall asleep because you are worn out.
....if this is the case then he is being out of order and you need to set him straight, he won't like it but sometimes we all need a kick up the arse!

DrDavidBanner · 30/07/2020 18:06

[quote Sendwineplz]@DrDavidBanner that's what I thought as well! I remember my child hood being like this mum and dad worked, cared for us, had dinner and slept or am I missing something?

Whenever I ask what's wrong all I get it 'awk nothing' I'm fine or if I asks what's up he says 'dunno'[/quote]
It not easy and its not the insta / facebook fanasy we get sold. Our son is independant now but the early years were exhausting, and yes there was a stage where DH and I felt like ships that pass in the night. Unfortunately thats life.

That would drive me mad, like living with a moody teenager.

Original poster
Sendwineplz · 30/07/2020 18:11

My parents were like that growing up and I always thought that's what life was! Both parents worked and when one was off took their turn and vise versa then whenever they had a rare day off together we'd do something as a family

OP posts: