AIBU or is oh?

[Sendwineplz]

Oh has got into comedy writing which I'm 1000% supportive of, proud of and his number 1 fan whenever he's on his laptop, writing or anything I leave him to get on with things but lately he's been moaping about huffing and puffing so I asked what's wrong only to be told he doesn't feel like we're a couple anymore as we don't spend anytime together. I wfh and once finished I sort ds out lunch etc then housework, ds nap time and then my time to chill whilst he's working away. Seems I can't do right for wrong and whatever I do he's not happy with but yet I don't bother when he's in the room most of the day and not with us constantly..

The only time you can spend as a couple is when DS is asleep. That is a fact. It's a choice between him writing or you doing something in the house like watching a film or playing a board game. He can't do both at the same time. What does he not get about that?

A moody teenager that wants entertaining

Usually when ds is asleep I do housework cause the place is a riot and he writes but sometimes it's like he forgets to stop writing iyswim

He can't have it both ways. At the moment you're subsidising him while he does something for fun all day, you're doing all the wifework and mental load. This in itself isn't sustainable for long.

I appreciate that something like comedy is difficult and you are likely to have some knocks before you get anywhere but that shouldn't be carte blanche for him to sponge off you indefinitely. It would be one thing if he were doing it on top of a part-time job, or if he were picking up the bulk of the childcare and domestic labour. But for you to do everything while he indulges the fantasy of doing something which is highly competitive and which he's unlikely to make a living from any time soon is not on.

I think its time to put a deadline on this. Set a mutually agreed timeframe by which you expect him to have made some (commercial) progress from this. If there's no evidence of this by that time he has to either get a paid job or agree to take on the lion's share of the domestic labour. He can carry on doing the comedy in his spare time but he can't expect you to do everything indefinitely.

I asked what's wrong only to be told he doesn't feel like we're a couple anymore as we don't spend anytime together.

Have you asked him what he wants to do about it? Or is he expecting you to come up with the solution (that presumably doesn't require any change on his part...)?

financially we'd be no better off with both of us working ITMS.

How can you be no better off financially with more money coming in?

So you’re doing all the working and money earning and all the housework?

OP, my love, that’s an utter joke. It’s not normal, it’s not acceptable, you must be bloody exhausted. No wonder you end up crashing on the sofa.

He’s not pulling his weight.

Do you want your son growing up thinking this is okay? He’ll start treating you the same. Like an open wallet and a skivvy.

I’d love to spend all day writing. Loads of people would. But children don’t keep themselves fed, clean, clothed, housed, entertained, educated and nurtured and homes don’t tidy themselves.

@Sendwineplz

Usually when ds is asleep I do housework cause the place is a riot and he writes but sometimes it's like he forgets to stop writing iyswim

How come it’s “a riot”? Is he not doing any housework during the day?

@MintyMabel if he was to work we'd both need to be PT so when you take into consideration for petrol, rent, childcare etc it wouldn't be feesible for us

No stuff is usually left lying about, ds's toys everwhere, breakfast and lunch dishes.. I could go on

Pretty much @AnneLovesGilbert most nights by the time we've ate I'm fit for bed and up early for work, thankfully I do shop online which saves me a job

if he was to work we'd both need to be PT so when you take into consideration for petrol, rent, childcare etc it wouldn't be feesible for us

But you’re the one doing the childcare and cleaning etc.

Why can't he get a job, and either one or both of you apply for flexible working so that there's someone always looking after your child?

That way there's no childcare fees, there's more income, he won't be bored because he'll have something other than his writing to do, he can still do his writing in the mean time, and he won't burn himself out from writing, put the pen down and never pick it up again which would render the time he's spent writing a complete waste of time.

There's nothing other than the fact he thinks we won't benefit any from him working stopping him.

Any time I try ask him to change or help things go great for a few days then we fall into the routine of me doing it all

If I had a £1 for every time I've seen this situation on here, I'd be a rich woman. OP, you've got a lazy misogynist partner. He expects you to do all the "woman's work", while he does his "important work". He also expects you to entertain him when he deems he wants company.

This is a bad relationship, and he won't change, because he's got his life how he wants it. All that's missing is his entertainment, so he's being moody to try to get you to buck up and entertain him.

So, when is he going to work so you can pursue a full time passion project?

Probably never @Couchbettato because I don't have any passions I'm like the most boring person ever

thankfully I do shop online which saves me a job

So he's not working, he's not looking after the children, he's not doing any housework - and he can't even do the weekly shop?! What a prince. Bet all his 'comedy' is misogynistic shit about how the wife steals the duvet and won't let him drink beer every night.

I don't know what else to say OP. He sounds horrible.

@Sendwineplz I don't buy that. I do believe that you don't get the opportunity to explore things you like and as women we can get stuck into a cycle of mothering and wifing, and losing who we are, all while facilitating our partners and our children finding themselves and what their interests are. I say this from experience.

I had a big to-do with my husband about how I don't know what I even like any more and he agreed to give me some time every other day to do what I want without interruption. And I didn't know what to do with myself for a few weeks because I, like you, felt like the most boring person ever.

But I decided to use that time to do something I enjoy, write down ideas for a business, research sourcing products etc and I started to really look forward to that time alone because I was doing something for me that benefitted only me.

But I do stand by what I say. It's possible to have 2 working adults in a relationship, with no or minimal childcare costs if worked out correctly.

Flexible working applications can be applied for after 6 months of committed working, and you retain the right to return to full time hours at any point.

So that means you temporarily go part time, or change your hours and after your husband has worked for 6 months, you can come up with a plan to fit his hours around your full time hours and both of you have an income, more financial freedom, both of your minds are busy, and the children are always cared for.

It's not always that straightforward but it's not impossible to find a situation that works for you both.

If he gets supported for his project, and like you said he sometimes doesn't know when to stop writing, so he needs a time limit not only to stop him burning himself out but so you can enjoy finding something for yourself or as a couple. He also needs to support you, and that support first starts with finding out what you like to do. It might not be instantaneous, but you can't keep living like this.

Everything he's said so far is an excuse to ensure you look after his needs because he's all that matters in his world right now and he needs to wake up.

What does ITMS mean?

@kittyhawke80 If That Makes Sense

So he doesn't bring any money in, he dicks about all day "writing comedy", and expects you to do all childcare and housework. He would have been gone from my life a long time ago. Fuck that!

Thank you! I went as far as Googling it, but couldn't find anything. I see now it's not particularly germane to the issue!