I got angry with my friend and hung up..aibu?

[kinndel]

I'm not normally a angry person but yesterday I just felt like no this is my limit.
My mum is in hospital and she is dying.
Less than two weeks more than likely.
This year has been horrible for me with her being ill,she broke her hip then got pneumonia and then kidney failure etc etc.
My friend is the same age (35) lives at home with her mum and no kids.
She has a boyfriend who does anything for her,never worked a day in her life.
Through the whole time my mums been ill these are some of things she's been coming out with.
"It's awful this,me and you have no luck"
"We both have went through so much this year"
"Me having to get this tooth out today and you with your mum???? Are you comparing a tooth?

Yesterday was what pushed me over the edge.
Just found out there was nothing more the doctors could do.
I rang her (looking for comfort ) and she started crying and said
"Our life's are awful,my mum has just thrown my primark carrier bags in the corner as if they are nothing,as if I'm nothing I'm sick I'm sick"
Why are our lives so bad??
I flipped and just said I've just told you my mum is dying and your moaning on because your mum threw a primark carrier.

I'm not saying my problems are any less worthy than hers but a bit of perspective.
She always makes it about her.
Plays the "I'm so hard done by " card
She has no worry's,she doesn't work,a boyfriend who does anything,healthy parents.
Aibu to hang up ?

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, OP.

Your friend sounds like someone who can't actually see beyond their own nose. It's sadly quite common. Hope you have other support.

I have one like this.
I've been through so much over the past few years but her problems are huge and she can't cope with anything etc....
Like you OP, perspective please!!!
But I'm minimal contact now because I really couldn't deal with all her drama.

My mil is like your friend but the only difference between you and me is that I can't distance myself as I'm married to her son but you can. I really have no tolerance to people who lack empathy. I understand some people aren't really good comforters or don't have those comforting words but to compare your difficult situation to their silly first world problems is immature.

I don't know why some people don't seem to find the right words at old crucial times, so they say anything to make you feel better when any thing just does not cut it.

Your friend sounds stupid and self centred. Don't 'phone her for support as she is clearly incapable of giving it.

Don't ditch her though.. just put her into the 'twat' pigeonhole

There are a lot of people with this kind of attitude, they are self absorbed, don't really listen to people properly, and basically won't have any empathy for anyone.It's just small mindedness, and best not to discuss much with them.

I'm really sorry about your mum op.

It doesn't sound like your friend's life is so great though - 35, lives at home, never worked - that's not really the typical life of a capable adult is it?

OP, is she the only person you're talking to about your mum? It feel a bit too much for her.

Bloody hell OP I am so sorry for you and your poor mum

As for the asshat she is no friend,I'd have wanted to bloody belt her,scrap that I do want to belt her for your sake.

I lost my Mum a few years ago now and it was awful ,I wouldn't reach out to her anymore she is far to self centered to be a good friend to you,reach out to those around you that are able to show you they're love for you and can offer some comfort.

Don't forget when it feels to hard to say out loud there's always people on here that you can reach out to.

Why on earth are you putting effort into this “friendship”? It sounds horrendous and she sounds like a selfish, totally self absorbed idiot. Why on earth do you continue to even try with someone so self centred and uncaring.

For goodness sake dump her and find new better friends. This is akin to dragging around a huge weight and then wondering why you don’t feel refreshed. Get rid.

Your other friends a much better understanding of and kindness towards your difficulties. They'll want to help you and comfort you, just as you would want to comfort them and help them. Talk to your other friends and forget this one.

Ah OP.

Please contact your other friends, they will be there for you despite having their own stuff going on. As for your "best friend", only you can decide whether to cut her off or lower your expectations and still have her in your life and you don't have to decide this yet.

Strength and love to you and your mum.

I'm sorry for your current situation OP!
Unfortunately pain is relative. I'm assuming your friend hasn't gone through many true difficult times in her life regarding loss? It seems she's trying to empathise, but she is doing it poorly as she can't relate.
Take a step back from her for a while. Focus on you. If she's a true friend, she'll be waiting when you're ready.

So sorry to read about your mum. YANBU. Your friend was very insensitive. Hope you've got other good people around you.

She's an absolute cow and I think she was being sarcastic.

I think it's an immaturity thing with her. If she's never worked or moved out then she's not experienced much of life. The more you experience, the more you can put things in perspective and she won't be able to do this. I don't think she's being deliberately insensitive. I just don't think she's the person you should be approaching for comfort and support.

She has the emotional intelligence of a toaster, OP. Sorry to hear about your mum. Seek support from different friends.

Your friend is emotionally stunted - she sounds incredibly limited and not very likeable.

Exactly this.

She'll never get it.

Limit your contact with her and reach out to friends and loved ones who aren't emotionally stunted and so inherently selfish.

I'm sorry about your mum.

I think like others you need to look for comfort elsewhere. I am so sorry about your mum. How does your friend support herself? Why has she never had job? I am just wondering if she has other issues that means she lacks empathy and may have thought she was sympathising with you but actually upset you.

I think sometimes people can only deal with what they've been through if that makes much sense. Her pain may not equal yours but to her, it's the worst she's been through. She may be trying to relate to you but just going about it the wrong way.

I agree with this. When I unexpectedly separated from my ex husband, those I wanted/expected support from the most turned out to not be so great at it. But now I realise that's because they haven't been through it. I have since also realised that the one friend I do have that had been through it before me probably felt the same at the time. I have since apologised for not understanding what she was going through and being more of a friend.

It doesn't excuse some of the insensitive comments from your 'friend' though and I think I would be letting this one go.

Sorry about your mum.

I'm so sorry about your mum. My mum passed away almost two weeks ago. They gave her 48 hours but she lasted two weeks. It is literally the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. And I will never be the same person I was before.
I specifically did not tell anyone who I knew would be like your friend. You're better off reaching out to someone else because I get that things aren't always comparable but bags Vs a dying parent? I couldn't deal with it and I would say something I'd regret. Your friend is entitled to her feelings, and she's the one living her life but I'd be putting the phone down and never speaking to her again. It isn't about her overall life, it's about this moment in time where your needs and sorrows are more important because they ARE worse.
I'm sorry you're going through this and don't have the right support from your friend. You NEED support but you need to seek it from the right places as there is enough going on right now without your dealing with unnecessary angers as well. Breathe and let it go, you've got harder things to worry about.

Why are you still friends with her op? If she makes you feel like crap don’t be friends with her. Toxic people love to leech your energy and will continue to do so until you assert your boundaries. If she can’t understand that you’re going through shit without making it about her then she’s not a true friend.

She is the only one who doesn't have kids / commitments etc

Why does this news not surprise me?

She's obviously completely egocentric and self-absorbed, and is incapable of showing any empathy or sympathy towards anyone else. It all has to be about her. Bit of a narcissist I reckon.

I'm so sorry about your DM.

Wentworth I don't have kids either. There's a time and a place for criticism.

You are right, OP you learn who your friends are...and someone concerned about a Primark Carrier Bag rather than being worried about their friend who is in need of support will soon find they have one less friend to worry about.

I think sometimes people can only deal with what they've been through if that makes much sense. Her pain may not equal yours but to her, it's the worst she's been through. She may be trying to relate to you but just going about it the wrong way.

It's about emotional immaturity and her being self-absorbed. Because it is possible to empathise with people even if you haven't been through it yourself. I've never been divorced from an abusive ex, but I was able to support my DSis when she was going through that.

And I've had fantastic support from friends who have never been infertile or gone through the adoption process.

@Immigrantsong

OP your friend has no emotional intelligence. I am sorry.

Yep - this. ^^

I wouldn't go to her for the support you need as you won't get it from her, I'm afraid. Is there anyone else in your friendship group or family who could be more supportive to you? Failing that, maybe speak to Cruse Bereavement Care
https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/for-professionals/frequently-asked-questions

Or
The Samaritans
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

I'm sorry about your mother OP. 🌷

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