I got angry with my friend and hung up..aibu?

[kinndel]

I'm not normally a angry person but yesterday I just felt like no this is my limit.
My mum is in hospital and she is dying.
Less than two weeks more than likely.
This year has been horrible for me with her being ill,she broke her hip then got pneumonia and then kidney failure etc etc.
My friend is the same age (35) lives at home with her mum and no kids.
She has a boyfriend who does anything for her,never worked a day in her life.
Through the whole time my mums been ill these are some of things she's been coming out with.
"It's awful this,me and you have no luck"
"We both have went through so much this year"
"Me having to get this tooth out today and you with your mum???? Are you comparing a tooth?

Yesterday was what pushed me over the edge.
Just found out there was nothing more the doctors could do.
I rang her (looking for comfort ) and she started crying and said
"Our life's are awful,my mum has just thrown my primark carrier bags in the corner as if they are nothing,as if I'm nothing I'm sick I'm sick"
Why are our lives so bad??
I flipped and just said I've just told you my mum is dying and your moaning on because your mum threw a primark carrier.

I'm not saying my problems are any less worthy than hers but a bit of perspective.
She always makes it about her.
Plays the "I'm so hard done by " card
She has no worry's,she doesn't work,a boyfriend who does anything,healthy parents.
Aibu to hang up ?

I do have other friends.
She is the only one who doesn't have kids /commitments etc so I don't want to bother them with my problems.
They have there own things going on.

And that is why they would be better at understanding and sympathising. Please just leave this self-centred child of a woman to herself for awhile. Hanging up was mild compared to what she deserved.

I wouldn't say living at home with your mother at 35 and never having had a job is 'lucky'.

I'd say it was dysfunctional.

I am so sorry that you are going through a tough time. Your friend is really insensitive. She really shouldn't have mentioned the primark issue. A friendship should based on kindness and understanding. Neither of these exist in your relationship. Cut your losses. I bet your other friends will surprise you and provide a little support.

She is the only one who doesn't have kids /commitments etc so I don't want to bother them with my problems.

Sounds like they aren't actually friends either. I can't imagine my life being so busy that I wouldn't have the time or headspace to speak to a friend who's mother was dying. I'd be really offended if a friend of mine decided my life was too busy for them in that situation.

@WentworthPrison sorry the comment about having no kids wasn't meant as I thought any less of her,that was just meant as my other friends have a few kids and are always rushing around.
I also have no kids because I have endo and struggle to get pregnant.
I would love kids
All I meant was she has a bit more spare time,like me.

Op, she's not an empathetic friend to ring. She's too self centred, unable to comfort you as she lacks emotional intelligence and sensitivity. Yes, yanbu to put the phone down

Your other friends even if busy with own families and issues, can still be there for you. please don't keep them at a distance feeling alone in grief over DM dying. You're shutting them out. They're more likely to be able to offer comfort and understand how you might be feeling or at least to listen.

No one, hearing a friend talking about a loved one dying, should ever make it about themselves instead. You won't have patience or energy for that at this time.

I'd avoid this childish friend for a while otherwise you could really start to dislike her . I still remember who did what when my Dsis died. I find it hard to think of one relative without feeling angry even now. She and her husband made it all about her within hours of my Dsis dying. I can feel the rage growing just thinking of it, even years later. It takes me a lot of energy to be polite or humour her now recalling how she made us cry at the time.

Oh OP I am so sorry about your mum. As for your friend, she sounds like a spoilt child with absolutely no emotional intelligence. I couldn't stand to be around someone alike that and hope that you have other more sensitive friends to confide in

So sorry to hear about your Mum OP

I imagine your friend thinks she is helping, but it sounds as though she hasn't a clue. I would keep my distance for a while - she means well, but her attitude certainly isn't helpful and not what you need right now. Hopefully another friend might step up for you.

I’m so sorry op lost my old ma a year or so ago and it is hands down a shitty tough tough time. Might not feel like it right now but you will get through this.
Good that you have other emotionally available friends - dont think that because they have responsibilities that they won’t be able to be there for you. Those responsibilities are exactly what helps people grow up and step up - something this friend just hasn’t done. I would be honoured if a friend said to me ‘i need someone to talk to about this’
Support.

I’m so sorry about to hear about your mum.

It’ll be devastating for you when she passes but it’ll also be a relief.

As for your friend. Some people really don’t know when they’ve got it good if a Primark bag and it’s contents are all she’s got to worry about

@kinndel

I do have other friends. She is the only one who doesn't have kids /commitments etc so I don't want to bother them with my problems. They have there own things going on.

But most people have things going on in their lives, so by definition none of us would bother having any friends if we only looked for those people who have no other commitments.

Chances are you'd get far more support from those other friends whose lives are busier, but might have a bit more empathy than this one, who clearly doesn't.

Am sorry about your mum. It’s so hard.

Your friend is emotionally stunted - she sounds incredibly limited and not very likeable.

Take care and talk to better friends. People who have lost their parents will understand.

I'm so sorry about your mum and understand how you feel.

However there is something wrong with your friend. She's never worked; she gets upset about carrier bags! Her self esteem is obviously very low and her world extremely small.

Leave her be for now, she only winds you up.

She sounds insensitive, immature and like someone that needs a reality check. So sorry to hear about your mum [flower]- I hope you have other friends/family members you can lean on to get the comfort and support you need.

Sorry about your mum.

There is something genuinely wrong with someone who can reply to your awful news about your mum with a complaint about their mum not being careful with a bloody carrier bag!

I think you should step back from her.

I’m so sorry about your mum. She is no friend. Cut her loose.

Sorry about your mum
Some people genuinely think they are empathising by replying with something bad, however slight that happened to them. As a pp says, no emotional intelligence. The kind of friend you can do without. Leave her to her petty dramas.

Your other friends would care op, and they would still want to hear from you when you're struggling even though they have families.

This other 'friend' isn't a friend. She sits at home all day doing nothing, not working, bet she doesn't do housework either, her boyfriend and family do everything for her and she cried about a carrier bag being thrown. That's just pathetic.

Don't bother with her again. In her head, she's still 10 years old it seems. She's not grown up yet.

YANBU. Losing your mum is one of the shittest experiences life has to offer and it's frankly jaw-dropping that someone can equate it to something so incredibly superficial.
I think you need to cut off contact with this very self-absorbed person for the sake of your own sanity. I'm so sorry for your impending loss OP.

I think your friend is basically in a bad relationship with her MUM. Which makes every single thing she does feel like a struggle.

Because she has a boyfriend you're missing that. Her development is a bit arrested. She isn't in a healthy place herself and you're ringing her looking for comfort.

She isn't in a place to GIVE comfort. She was trying the best she could by trying to ''be in the same boat'' but she got it wrong.

Your friend has ''failed to launch'' as they say.

OP I'm not at all convinced that she's saying these things because she doesn't know any other way to respond, or that you shouldn't be judging her because you don't know what's going on in her life. It sounds more like she can't bear to think that she might not be the centre of attention so she has to come up with her own issue, however downright stupid that makes her sound. Reflect on what she was like as a friend before your mum got ill - that will give you a clue.

However she is absolutely not the friend you need right now. Don't judge your other friends until you've asked them for support. But to keep turning to her is just self flagellation. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't react to you getting angry and putting the phone down by telling you that you were in the wrong, that you were being over sensitive - because you didn't immediately make it all about her.

Find other sources of support - on MN we'll all support you and listen to you, for one.

And I'm so sorry about your mum. This time is horrendous, so be kind to yourself.

- and an unMumsnetty hug.

I do have other friends.
She is the only one who doesn't have kids /commitments etc so I don't want to bother them with my problems.
They have there own things going on.

Firstly, I'm so sorry about your mum, OP.

Please don't let this stop you from reaching out to them for support. True friends would make time to support you at a time like this.

I'm sorry to say that this 'friend' isn't capable of empathy. My ex best friend was like this, and regularly responded like this friend of yours. She never changed, she was too self-absorbed. She had MH issues, which was why I stood by her for so long; I now think I was acting in a co-dependent way.

I think people are being too generous in saying perhaps she doesn’t know how to reply etc. Anyone with a tiny bit of empathy or common sense would know not to compare a friend’s mum dying with some carrier bags.

She sounds like a terrible friend. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Try contacting your other friends for support instead I’m sure they’ll want to be there for you.

I rang her (looking for comfort )

I'm really not sure why you'd have thought she could give you comfort. Unless she'd just had a lobotomy

I wouldn't bother to have expectations regarding her

She's not the friend you need

I’d want to be there for a friend going through this, ring another friend and give them the chance to support you.