To feel something was off about MIL’s response?

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

Please help. I have no idea how to work through my feelings right now. Two days ago my MIL was visiting and she stirred my husband up emotionally. He often then takes out his frustrations on me by criticising me in front of her when this happens. He claims he is not aware he does it.

We were all getting out of the car in the rain to take my six year old to an event. Husband criticised me about Several issues related to how I was bringing children out of the car and I asked him firmly to please stop being rude. Our 6 year old son heard it and this upset my husband so we bickered for 1-2 minutes. MIL was walking my 6 year old across the parking lot in the rain when this happened. There was no shouting or anything like that, just a tense conversation. Later on we resolved it with a hug in front of the kids.
In the meantime, MIL came up to me about 20 min Later when I was alone with my toddler. First she asked if we were bickering about something she had done and said she felt guilty. I said no. She then started crying and said “please you can’t argue in front of the children! Your 6 year old must have been so anxious bc he was holding my hand so tightly.” I felt so horrible when she said that. I ended up saying we do generally try not to argue in front of the children. Sometimes it does happen. I also said DH can be quite critical and I have to find ways to create a boundary to the criticism. Sometimes I can walk away but sometimes it’s not an option due to children needing to be watched in a parking lot etc. She said she thinks I am over sensitive. She told me at the end of the conversation “it’s ok, I still think you are the girl for my son as I had a special feeling about you at the very beginning” - but I felt so judged by her. I could sense the emotions and motivations behind her words and actions and saw her eyes and it really felt like she thinks I am the problem 💯 and if I were just not sensitive DH life would be perfect. Anytime there is any issue with the kids I get that same feeling that she blames me.

Because of the kernel of truth - I do feel it’s not good to argue in front of kids - I feel so guilty. My husband and I have long since bounced back from our brief bickering but it’s this conversation and showed the kids all was well, but it is this conversation with MIL that is really weighing on me. I felt a heavy emotion and hollow shame from her. It felt like she put me down and sucked something out of me if that even makes sense. She is someone who lacks empathy and is a perfectionist who subtly criticises people. The conversation didn’t feel like a positive resolving moving forward kind of thing. I’ve had plenty of those with people. This felt like it sucked the joy out of me for several days. Can anyone please help me understand this? How do I deal with this hurt and shame from her?

Children shouldn’t be shielded from arguments. They need to see how things are resolved in an adult way.

Constant arguing and unhappy household is totally different.

People get angry and stressed - that’s normal. How you deal with it should also be seen as normal.

Your MIL needs to keep her nose out. She started crying because you had words? Ridiculous.

I really don’t think it’s healthy to do the “never argue in front of the children” bit, in all honesty (obviously, assuming there’s no violence or gross insults - I’m talking “having words” here). Disagreements are part of normal adult relationships and it’s good for kids to see that play out and be amicably resolved (as you said, you had a hug later). You haven’t done anything to be ashamed of.

she sounds very manipulative controlling and thriving on the drama... cut her off next time and tell her she's being overly dramatic 🌺

She is worried that if you split she would lose out as often paternal grandparents see a lot less of grandchildren in those circumstances.

But she was over reacting and wrong to say anything to you. Ignore her.

Next time it happens, tell her to mind her own business. Stop her in her tracks. She shouldn't be involving herself in any disagreements you might have with your husband, nor should she be telling you how to behave. If she wants to have that conversation, tell her to talk to her son.

OP, from reading what you wrote, you seem like onto be overreacting. Feelings can’t be helped, so you are not doing it on purpose but still overreacting. The fact that you are placing so much emotional investment into her benign words is odd, why do you care so much? Is there something else there?

Why do you say you have had “plenty” of moving forward resolution conversations with people?
Do you only mean your husband and MIL?
Because I think it’s a bit odd to have had “plenty” and situations where that kind of conversations was needed, except with children.

Honestly, I think your reaction is really OTT. Anger at her being an interfering old bat - yes, but feeling sucked out and shame? That’s pretty extreme.

There’s nothing wrong with bickering in front of children occasionally and showing them that people can deal with that.

Two things strike me, really - your MIL is obviously horrible and unreasonable, and yet you react in a way that isn’t anger / annoyance / irritation. I think you should work out why you care so much.

More importantly though... it’s that MN phrase - you have a husband problem.

All this about your MIL, yet you gloss over the fact that husband “often” takes out his frustrations on you. That’s your priority to deal with here - not MIL. Time to stand up for yourself, and tell him that if being around his mother makes him rude to you, you will not be seeing his mother. He’s by far your bigger problem here.

I think that some MIL’s can be very over protective of their sons. I’m sure I will be !
I would keep your meetings to a minimum, and if she says anything like that again I would ask her to keep her nose out of your marriage.

It’s obviously her he got his critical and judging ways from.

I would be talking to DH about stopping with the criticism. He needs to become conscious of how he acts when she’s around, and then modify it.

As for MIL, she sounds unpleasant, but you don’t need to allow her words to sting. People’s opinions are only worth worrying about if their opinions are valuable and worth having. If they truly know of what they speak g. If they are usually wise. Why would you give hers any credence? What is her opinion worth? She’s just critical, judgemental and overly harsh, focussed on her own agenda. It needn’t trouble you unless you let it.

Strengthen your boundaries and don’t let her thoughts and feelings affect you. That’s all her stuff.

*More importantly though... it’s that MN phrase - you have a husband problem.

All this about your MIL, yet you gloss over the fact that husband “often” takes out his frustrations on you. That’s your priority to deal with here - not MIL. Time to stand up for yourself, and tell him that if being around his mother makes him rude to you, you will not be seeing his mother. He’s by far your bigger problem here.*

This.

To add: it sounds like you feel guilty about arguing in front of the kids, because it isn’t about this one off. I agreed in my PP with other posters that it’s five for kids to see adults bicker and resolve issues. However - only if it’s occasional and with no theme or pattern. I’m guessing that you feel guilty because you know your kids are seeing a pattern of your husband taking out his frustration on you - which means they’re potentially not witnessing normal life occasional bicker and resolve, but an ingrained pattern that they can learn of him treating you badly, and criticising you. If that’s often, then they’re witnessing abuse, not bickering. So I’ll go back to my previous point - you have a husband problem.

I agree that children shouldn’t be shielded from normal arguments — it lets them see that people who love each other can disagree and models day to day conflict resolution. Your MIL is an interfering busybody, but your response is strangely intense. I’d be more worried about your husband continually criticising you, and you blaming it on your MIL, when it’s on him?

I think her distress was caused by her grandson being upset by your argument. If he'd said something like "They're always angry with each other", it would be enough to prompt her to take the subject up with you. She thinks that telling you not to rise to the bait when your husband criticises is helpful advice, and hopefully she'll have told him to be less confrontational with you.

There was a thread on here the other day, asking people if they tended to search posters previous posts, and if so - why.
I was one that said that I sometimes did, when something told me that there was more to a story.

There’s a lot more to yours 😕
I’m not posting this to catch you out, @ShuffleShuffleSpin but because I don’t think it’s helpful for you to pay any attention to a poll based on a single incident. Honestly, though I posted above that your husband was the problem, I did also say your reaction to MIL was OTT.
Then I read a couple of other threads you made (which in itself tells me you’re second guessing your feelings more than normal, a potential sign of a is if relationships).

• your husband refused to show you affection in front of his sister, who was jealous (instead of telling her not to be so stupid). With-holding affection = abuse

• he bullied you into a third child that you didn’t want, creating 3 under 3 (that’s so hard!) with promises of help that he never came good on (surprise)

• this criticism you mention? It’s not only when MIL riles him up, it’s when he’s had a bad day at work too.you said he finds 5-10 things to criticise every night, including you not organising them fucking fridge items to his majesty’s liking

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED

Please, please speak to Women’s Aid

There is a study that shows children who never see their parents ever disagree are emotionally stunted by it.
As adults they do not resolve issues as successfully as children who have see their parents kiss and make up.

Sounds like your DH has inherited the critical Gene from his Mother. Is she the only one that says you are over sensitive or does your DH say it too?

I don't see telling someone not to be rude to you as an argument that children shouldn't witness. What's the alternative? He is critical of you and you say nothing? That's worse imo.

As a side. The only people I know who are very critical of any arguments in front of children are controlling people who like everything to go their way. They will say it is really terrible to ever say anything in front of children as a way to ensure there is no disagreement to their wishes.

What did she say that "stirred him up emotionally"?

Perhaps that is what you should tackle. Perhaps point out to him - are you doing X because your mother said y earlier? Or even I don't appreciate you lashing out at me because your mother said X, I'm not your whipping boy.

You do sound very sensitive....and there's nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you dwell on things people have said to you but on the other hand, you're probably also quite careful not to hurt other people's feelings. Sensitivity is a positive trait.

You say your mother-in-law is a tricky character. Because of this, she probably knows which 'buttons' to press to make you doubt yourself.

I guess you are going to have to work out what those buttons are. Do you feel like you need her to approve of you? Are you secretly worried that you don't deserve your husband or you're not a good mum? If you've thought through some of your issues, you'll find it easier to ignore her comments.

Good luck!

mil should mind her business

The important bit I took from this is that your DH treats you poorly in front of his mother:

my MIL was visiting and she stirred my husband up emotionally. He often then takes out his frustrations on me by criticising me in front of her when this happens.*

This is a conversation you need to have again with DH. Why does he do this. If he continues to do this you may feel you wish to step back from having an active relationship with MIL and being around when she's there as you are treated badly as a result of her visits? I couldn't continue like this if it were me.

"Oh shut up and stop being dramatic" would have been my response and then wouldnt have given it a second thought.

As for your husband, you need to tell him at the time to stop taking his crappy temper out on you.

Next time you see here, speak to her privately, explain that you feel criticised and judged by her telling you that you are too sensitive. Have a few concrete examples of your DH criticism and tell her that you are not being sensitive to not put up with this.

She is the one being over sensitive crying about you having a 2 minute bicker, she’s in cuckoo land if she things that’s something to cry about. Tell her you found her crying upsetting.

@scubadive

Next time you see here, speak to her privately, explain that you feel criticised and judged by her telling you that you are too sensitive. Have a few concrete examples of your DH criticism and tell her that you are not being sensitive to not put up with this.

She is the one being over sensitive crying about you having a 2 minute bicker, she’s in cuckoo land if she things that’s something to cry about. Tell her you found her crying upsetting.

This. Tell her this but also that you find her overly critical and dramatic.

Next time you see here, speak to her privately, explain that you feel criticised and judged by her telling you that you are too sensitive. Have a few concrete examples of your DH criticism and tell her that you are not being sensitive to not put up with this.

I think this would just feed her interfering streak. I'm with @LemmysAceCard on the advisability of a nice, crisp 'Oh, zip it, drama queen' type response to someone weeping in a car park about their DIL and adult son having an argument.

To feel emotional for days is an over reaction especially as she said lots of nice things ie you are the girl for her son and had good feelings about you etc the only bad thing she said was that you are over sensitive which you clearly are
How many critical things can a husband say about getting kids out of a car? It's not as if there are lots of different ways of doing it ?
Absolutely fine to argue and make up nicely in front of kids as that's life, husband clearly needs to disk down the negative as you are sensitive to it