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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would even trying to get pregnant again be irresponsible?

58 replies

PaperCastle · 28/07/2020 20:06

I have 2DC and the last 2 pregnancies have ended up being ectopic. I don’t feel done and want to try again. DH thinks I’m insane. The chances of another ectopic at this point are higher again. I have DC to think about. Would it be worth the risk? Or is it just irresponsible?

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 28/07/2020 20:48

I’m crap at maths but isn’t a 10% chance effectively a 1 in 10 chance? That’s seems high to me not low. I think you would be mad to risk it but it’s your body.

Babyboomtastic · 28/07/2020 20:51

It's actually a 15% chance of a 2 in 10,000 chance. That's a lower risk than the chance of dying in a car crash in a given year (1 in 20,000).

I'm not minimising the distress and stress of an ectopic pregnancy, or how dangerous they can be without proper care, but deaths from it really are the exception these days.

Littlebirdie123 · 28/07/2020 20:53

Could you go see your hospital for preconceptual counselling with a consultant?

Original poster
PaperCastle · 28/07/2020 21:05

@Babyboomtastic

It's actually a 15% chance of a 2 in 10,000 chance. That's a lower risk than the chance of dying in a car crash in a given year (1 in 20,000).

I'm not minimising the distress and stress of an ectopic pregnancy, or how dangerous they can be without proper care, but deaths from it really are the exception these days.

Thank you for the stats they are quite reassuring. DH is concerned that because of my side (5ft weight about 7 stone) if I ruptured it would be “worse” for me somehow. No doctor has said that though so I think he’s just being overly worried.
OP posts:
LividLaughLovely · 28/07/2020 21:09

I wish people wouldn’t suggest IVF. My ectopic was caused by IVF. Apparently it’s a risk factor.

It ruptured and put me in intensive care.

GinDrinker00 · 28/07/2020 21:16

No don’t risk it.
Focus on the children you have and be happy with life. It’s not worth it, believe me.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 28/07/2020 22:38

Your dh doesn't want to, you've already got two children, you have had previous miscarriages and ectopics, and age isn't on your side. Maybe your dh would like to move past all this baby stuff and get on with the rest of your lives with the children you have instead of keep talking about a baby he doesn't want over and over again.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/07/2020 22:39

I wish people wouldn’t suggest IVF. My ectopic was caused by IVF. Apparently it’s a risk factor
It’s a bit confusing then OP because after my tube was removed and they found scaring they said ivf would be most likely my only option.

Original poster
PaperCastle · 28/07/2020 22:43

Thanks for all of your thoughts. Has given me quite a bit to think about.

OP posts:
AliceAbsolum · 28/07/2020 22:44

Pay for a scan at 4,5,6 weeks. Then you'll know.

FourPlasticRings · 28/07/2020 22:48

I'd leave it, personally. If not due to the risk, however small, of leaving the two you have without a mother, because of the potential effect on your youngest of becoming a middle child. And the carbon footprint thing.

Legoandloldolls · 28/07/2020 22:49

I think you need to go with medical.advice. I had PE with my first child. No one ever said I shouldn't have any more. I was fine with the 2nd but hospitalised with 3 & 4. I was told that no one would ever advise me to have no more children. In fact no one ever has ( except when I was 43 and had a MMC a go told me off the record to stop).

It's all about risk and how it can be mitigated. As i had PE at 35 weeks the odds was in my favour under consultant care to get to term. However I had to accept that all my medical choices was no longer mine to take. That was the compromise. I had highly medical births but I was ok with that. I couldn't get to my due dates. I knew the risks was serious overdue so I just went with it. But in my case I felt safe. Probably not the sensible choice really

WhyDoesItAlways · 28/07/2020 22:58

It’s a bit confusing then OP because after my tube was removed and they found scaring they said ivf would be most likely my only option.

I'm assuming the suggestion of IVF is to help you get pregnant, not to avoid another ectopic. I had IVF and was told to look out for ectopic as the embryo can travel back up the fallopian tube from the womb. Seems illogical but that's what the dr's said.

Original poster
PaperCastle · 28/07/2020 23:08

@FourPlasticRings

I'd leave it, personally. If not due to the risk, however small, of leaving the two you have without a mother, because of the potential effect on your youngest of becoming a middle child. And the carbon footprint thing.
Sorry, I don’t know what you mean by this? About DC2 becoming the middle child I mean? Not sure why that would be so bad.
OP posts:
Original poster
PaperCastle · 28/07/2020 23:10

Pay for a scan at 4,5,6 weeks. Then you'll know

Do you think if we do this it would make it safer? I wonder how many ectopic would rupture at 4 weeks? I think the rupturing is the danger isn’t it?

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 28/07/2020 23:40

Are the two DC you already have not enough for you then?

Candyfloss99 · 28/07/2020 23:42

You are being selfish. Think of the 2 children you have.

Ishihtzuknot · 28/07/2020 23:47

I’d go for it on the condition that if it didnt result in a healthy pregnancy I would accept it wasn’t meant to be. Of course it’s your choice, but get some advice from doctors before you make a decision. I know how hard the longing is, as I’ve been desperate for a third baby for years. As soon as you can once pregnant book in for a private scan to ensure the baby is in the correct place. Could you look into iui?

Original poster
PaperCastle · 29/07/2020 00:39

@ViciousJackdaw

Are the two DC you already have not enough for you then?
I think this is a bit of a cruel thing to say. I love my children very much. We always planned on having 3 children and all of the losses along the way just seem for nothing if we don’t get that.
OP posts:
EKGEMS · 29/07/2020 00:51

I really,really wanted more children. My only pregnancy ended at 30 weeks after I had gallbladder surgery which cascaded into an emergency c-section and days on life support and lots of other complications and my preemie had a stroke in NICU leading to disability. My doctor said he didn't recommend another pregnancy but if I insisted I'd have to be under a specialist consultant-thank goodness I never went through with another one! I grieved deeply over that and it still hurts but you can learn to live with disappointment vs being dead

whiplashy · 29/07/2020 01:00

I’d go for it

Fuzzyspringroll · 29/07/2020 06:28

You don't even need to pay to go private for a scan if you are in the UK. With that history, just contact your nearest EPU.

KittCat · 29/07/2020 06:33

With you're history you should be referred to EPU for an internal scan very early on.

ivfdreaming · 29/07/2020 07:03

I've had 2 ectopics both ruptured nearly died twice - my daughter was traumatised (she was 2 the first time and 3 the second) and I still have flashbacks of the doctors running with me down the corridors with her screaming "mummy"

It's different for me as I don't have any tubes left so did move on to IVF

Had I not lost both tubes I would have stopped as the risk was too great

Also IVF doesn't reduce the risk of an ectopic it actually increases it

HavelockVetinari · 29/07/2020 07:04

Go for it - the risk of death is tiny at 0.02%, and it would be substantially reduced because you will know you're pregnant and will have a 5-week scan to check the baby's in the right place.

The very unlucky women who die from ruptured ectopic pregnancies generally don't know they're pregnant and don't seek medical attention quickly enough.