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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to ds teacher commenting on my parenting? bit long sorry.

35 replies

Riddo · 01/10/2007 09:55

I have got PMT which makes me oversensitive but on Friday ds (year 3) came out without his homework and refused to go back for it because his teacher would tell him off.

I went back and she ranted about how naughty he was and that she would have words with him next week. I said I'd come in because he's scared of being told off. She then said I was too soft.

So I told her it was my job to be soft - I'm his mother, she could be strict if she wanted to be.

I then left almost in tears (with homework)

DS has always liked school and his teachers but this year doesn't want to go as he's always being shouted at. Half the class feel the same way.

DS has a lot of problems with reading (I'm fairly sure he's dyslexic). I am quite soft but isn't that my right? I make him do his homework and try to read with him whenever I can. Sorry just neded to get this if my chest - it's been bothering me all weekend.

OP posts:
VoodooLULUmama · 01/10/2007 09:57

the teacher said you were soft? based on what?

i would be very insulted if anyone i didn;t know chose to comment on my parenting

DS has just been diagnosed as dyslexic, he needs lots of boosting of self confidence,and nurturing at school and home, sounds like his teacher is not going to do that for your DS

has he been seen by SENCO?

NKF · 01/10/2007 09:57

It sounds like you both have pmt. Seriously though, if you think he has dyslexia, you should push to find out if that's the case. Early intervention can make a huge difference.

JustcallmeMAT · 01/10/2007 09:59

Look into the dyslexia thing. Have you had him assessed for dyslexia?

Actually, I don't think it's a mother's right to be soft I think it's a mother's responsibility to teach their children how to behave at school & at home.

What did the teacher say about him being naughty? See, I would have asked what he had done that give her that impression. I would have wanted to know exactly what he had done that was naughty.

He pbviously knew he was going to be told off for whatever reason, didn't you ask him why he was afraid of being told off?

mishymoo · 01/10/2007 10:01

The teacher sounds like a real dragon!

But agree with other posters, if you think DS has dyslexia, the earlier it is 'diagnosed' the better for everyone concerned especially DS.

haychee · 01/10/2007 10:02

I think the teachers get stricter as they progress through the school years.
My dd1 is now in yr2 and her teacher is very strict this year. She is used to it though because i am not soft, can be at times but not on the whole.
If she reports she has been in trouble, i try to find out from her why exactly and usually it seems a pretty reasonable reason why she has been told off.
When they start in reception its all play, less play and more work in yr 1, and so on. I think the teachers are preparing them for the grim reality of life and secondary school and the fact that it is not all about play anymore.

It was a tad out of order for the teacher to tell you off like that though. But as it was the end of the day and week i spose she had had enough for one week - i know i would.

VoodooLULUmama · 01/10/2007 10:03

i don;t think children should be afraid of their teachers... or afraid of popping back to the classroom to collect something

meemar · 01/10/2007 10:04

hi Riddo

She shouldn't have used terms like 'too soft' they are judgemental and not constructive.

It sounds like there are 2 opposing forms of discipline going on. Shouting and being unnecessarily strict is not a good way to motivate children and if your son is afraid that she will shout at him just for going back in to get something he forgot, then she doesn't sound like she's particularly pleasant.

But you should also be aware that while it's your right to be 'soft' with your son, you won't do him any favours by letting him get out of his responsiblities.

FWIW I don't think it sounds like you did anything wrong here.

DANCESwithHughJackman · 01/10/2007 10:05

Ok, here's the other side of the coin. You are a teacher, you have 30 children in your care, one of whom is constantly disruptive and needing your attention (am obviously drawing some conclusions). You have had a long week, children leave, you breathe a sigh of relief then aforementioned demanding child re-enters classroom with mother who mentions that he is scared of being told off so needs his mum to come with him (probably not THAT scared or he wouldn't continue being naughty). You (inadvisedly) tell the parent she is being soft but what you are actually thinking is 'i have no chance of getting this child to behave in school if he is not being taught how to behave at home'. Now that is an EXTREME view I know but maybe it might give you something to think on. Also totally agree you should push to get dyslexia looked into as it could be a cause of huge frustration for your ds. Ask for a meeting with the senco.

Original poster
Riddo · 01/10/2007 10:06

He was naughty because he hadn't stuck his homework into his book. I agree that he should be told off but she is SO harsh. She screams at them for almost nothing (I've seen her do it.)

JustcalllmeMAT - He does know how to behave and generally does not get into trouble. I just thought that on a Friday afternoon, when he's spent the whole week being made to go to school that I couldn't face sending him back for more shouting.

It's partly my problem - I hated school and had to be dragged every day so am really worried that he will be the same.

I'm looking into getting him assessed for dyslexia - his teacher isn't interested - I have tried taliking to her about it.

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 01/10/2007 10:07

I think being strict is fine.
I think being firm is fine.
I think ranting about a child being "naughty" and being so unapproachable as to scare a child into not going back into the classroom is just doing a bad job tbh.
I would arrange a meeting to discuss her approach and your concerns about it, and allow her to tell you her concerns about your child and hius "naughtiness" and how you can work together to improve things. I would also talk to her about your concerns about the dyslexia.

DANCESwithHughJackman · 01/10/2007 10:07

Unfortunately saying things like 'when he's spent the whole week being made to go to school that I couldn't face sending him back for more shouting' shows me that you are probably inadvertantly passing on your negative experiences to him.
What did the teacher say when you asked her about dyslexia?

coppertop · 01/10/2007 10:08

I think you need to make an appointment to talk to the teacher about your son's difficulties. It's an opportunity for you to tell the teacher about the possible dyslexia and also to find out what ds has been up to in the classroom. You may be able to work out some possible solutions with the teacher and agree on what approaches to take.

Original poster
Riddo · 01/10/2007 10:10

Dancewithhughjackman - he isn't a naughty child. He is not disruptive. He's scared of her and keeps his head down and is too afraid to say when he's misunderstood something or fogotten his homework.

I can see that on a friday evening she doesn't want any more hassle and I should have made him go in - I'm not condoning the forgetting of homework and if he needs telling off then he should be - my concern is that he's scared of his teacher and daren't ask for help.

OP posts:
AngharadGoldenhand · 01/10/2007 10:11

YANBU. She needs to change her attitude.

Original poster
Riddo · 01/10/2007 10:12

I've tried talking to the teacher about the dyslexia - her response was to send home 150 words for him to learn to spell, read and write!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 10:12

Riddo - we've just had something a bit similar go on with my elder stepson (12).

He is a clever, hardworking child who had 20/20 on his July school report for maths - the best mark in his class. He only wants to be a good pupil and to do well at school, though at home he larks about and is pretty lazy .

He has a new maths teacher who has literally scared the living daylights out of him, so much so that my partner went to see the headmaster of the school - DSS was having nightmares, vomiting and crying every day before school etc.

It transpired, two weeks down the line, that the whole class is fed up with this teacher and the outcome has been that the headmaster has had words with the (new) teacher and told him to be less harsh.

It's not always the child's fault.

DANCESwithHughJackman · 01/10/2007 10:12

So when she 'ranted' about how naughty he was - was she just talking about his forgetting his homework?
What did she say about the dyslexia when you asked?

VoodooLULUmama · 01/10/2007 10:14

can you speak directly to the SENCO? or head of year? if teacher not open to this then you need to find someone who is

Original poster
Riddo · 01/10/2007 10:14

Yes, the rant was just about the homework! That's why I'm cross.

OP posts:
DANCESwithHughJackman · 01/10/2007 10:15

So apart from the sending of extra work did she actually express an opinion on what was the problem? Does she NOT think he is dyslexic? If I was you I would go into her and say "I am concerned about my son's reading, I would like him to be assessed by the Senco" - don't accept any put offs, just reiterate that you would like him assessed. Do you have any history of dyslexia in your family because it is quite often passed down through families, that may add weight to your argument.

Original poster
Riddo · 01/10/2007 10:16

She is the head of year. Last years teacher is ore approcable - I'll ask her who I should talk to.

Unfortunately ds teacher makes up her mind quite quickly about children - my dd had her in year 3 aswell. She has a very unfortunate manner. I feel sorry for her really as none of the children or parents like her.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 01/10/2007 10:16

Hi Riddo. 2 things leap out to me here:

  1. your ds obviously had been misbehaving in school. Not that the teacher was right in the way she accused you, but was prob frustrated if he is 'naughty'(which always ends up disrupting class).

  2. you are proud of the fact you are soft.
    I don't think it is a mother's job to be 'soft'. there is a place for kindess, compassion, but love is also teaching your kid to respect authority and to be obedient.

in this situation, I would have taken him back in to get his homework. he is obviously not that scared of her if he can play up in class.

equally, she should not have spoken to you in that way, and it would be better to have a more constructive talk in how you can help him get the most of school. don't be defensive though, it won't help him at all if you are angry with his teacher and he knows it.

DANCESwithHughJackman · 01/10/2007 10:19

She does sound as though she was over the top if she was cross just because of that. It's no excuse but she may well have asked if they all had their homework about 10 times before they left though. I personally wouldn't have shouted at a child for that (in fact unless there is physical violence occuring I don't think you ever need to shout)

Original poster
Riddo · 01/10/2007 10:20

MerrMarigold - he dosen't play up in class - she was only cross about the homework. He is not disruptive or badly behaved.

I am not proud of being soft - perhaps a better word would be over protective. I hate being shouted at - so does he. If he deserves to be told off then fair enough. When he comes home and tells me he's been told off I always back up the teacher. However, I am not willing to send my child in to be screamed at at the end of a hard week for him and me.

I have tried really hard not to be negative about her in front of him and I do make him do his homework.

OP posts:
Baffy · 01/10/2007 10:21

Not surprised he didn't want to go back in to get his homework if the teacher almost had you in tears!

I don't think she had any right to comment on your parenting and her comments were not only hurtful, but also not constructive in any way. Not surprised he doesn't like her!

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