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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Be the big person or .. not?

76 replies

Whathewhatnow · 28/07/2020 00:42

Ok, I'm completely throwing myself open to the mumsnet jury here.

I had a short 3 month relationship with someone who I loved. I was vulnerable but not helpless. Am a closet badass. He was a bit of a shit.
He dumped me on valentines day evening

Incredibly stupidly I went back to him.

Reader... do I really need to tell you what happened next? He dumped me. Again.

Begged me for friendship after. Adored me apparently.

Until now. When he doesnt really want to keep in touch because I dont understand him. Apparently.

I am very bitter. I gave him a great deal of practical help whilst going through a difficult time.

I have his login details for a site he values because he cannot manage to administer it himself:

Yabu, leave the site alone
Yanbu: change his password and take the bastard down ;)

No pressure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whathewhatnow · 28/07/2020 09:41

I assure you I'm neither abusive nor a horrible person.

I am however really sad to have lost a friend of 4 years and someone who I loved. And increasingly angry.

He was the one pressing hard for ongoing friendship after the dumping. Told me he would really be there for me, he adored me, yada yada. Clearly a load of rubbish.

He took advantage of me, I can see that now. I spent 2 days of my annual leave helping him apply for jobs in February. I was with him through some awful, awful depressions. I put him before other friends when he called in a pit of despair and said hed had enough. I gave him money when he was desperate (albeit not much). I fed him during lockdown when there was no money coming in.
I have been a total, total fool and he can absolutely fuck off.

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 28/07/2020 09:46

Take him down it will make you feel good.
I took revenge on someone (a work colleague so slightly different) 30 years ago.
I still see him occasionally and smirk about what I did and yes it does make me feel better.
Ok I’m a bitch but what do you get for being the better person?

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 28/07/2020 09:50

Walk away with your dignity

Best advice ever. Trust me: I'm an accountant

Smallsteps88 · 28/07/2020 13:06

[quote ItWasNotOK]@SchadenfreudePersonified but when you do stuff like that, no one thinks "wow she showed him", they just think he had a lucky escape[/quote]
This.

I worked with a woman years ago who started dating a man for a few months. Everything was great, until suddenly he finished with her and she couldn’t shut up about how much of an asshole he was. Tiresome to listen to (if he was that much of an asshole why did she wait for him to dump her?) anyway then she reported him to HMRC for tax evasion. Now he might have been evading tax- but we all thought she was an absolute bunny boiler when we heard what she’d done.

ClaryFray · 28/07/2020 13:09

Really?

He's been a shot yes. But you do this and you are no better than him. That moral high ground your riding on is gone.

It isn't about being the bigger person, it's being a better person. You can't pretend at that. If it brings you joy to bring someone down then you were only ever playing at being better.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/07/2020 13:31

I don't know, tax evasion is pretty shitty, even though she clearly didn't have noble motives. That was illegal and something he deserved regardless of any relationship. Deliberately creating a sabotage seems different, though I'll own that it's all very debatable.

I think a lot of this could be avoided by women not buying into this idea that once they're in a relationship, they need to sacrifice themselves upon its altar even if it's new, on/off and they're not getting anything in return. This guy clearly didn't just suddenly turn into a twat, he already made it clear he was one. And three months?

CherryBlossomPink · 28/07/2020 13:37

I left a 20 year relationship and maintained my dignity as that was important to me.Taking petty revenge just proves that he still takes up headspace for you and still is able to influence your decisions. I decided when I left that he had no further power over he or my actions - and I now have self respect.

Original poster

Whathewhatnow · 28/07/2020 14:36

It was honestly such a minor thing to do, it isnt sabotage, he can rectify it in about 10 monites flat if he bothers his arse to do it and ya know just googles how to

He wont care. I've been devalued and discarded now. I saw him do it to other people. It was brutal. More fool me. Stupid woman.

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 28/07/2020 15:32

I don't know, tax evasion is pretty shitty, even though she clearly didn't have noble motives. That was illegal and something he deserved regardless of any relationship.

Well yes, I agree, IF he was evading tax. Without going into details the job we did meant she had a duty to report suspected tax evasion as soon as she became aware. The first she mentioned it was the day after he dumped her when she was ranting about “showing him”. So if it was true it clearly didn’t bother her while she was dating him, talking about having his children and risking her job. No-one was ever sure of the truth of what she said.

Smallsteps88 · 28/07/2020 15:36

It was honestly such a minor thing to do, it isnt sabotage, he can rectify it in about 10 monites flat if he bothers his arse to do it and ya know just googles how to

He wont care.

Not really much point in doing it then really.

853690525d · 28/07/2020 15:38

You don't sound like you're much better than him, really.

Closet bad ass seems shorthand for malicious. Not something to be proud of. It's not clever.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/07/2020 15:39

I would want to shit him up, but I think I'd choose not to. In the back of my head I always think "do the right thing" in situations like this. I'd love to be a little bit badass.

OP, you're not stupid. You sound lovely, just a little heartbroken. How he behaved is all about him and his arsehole choices, though. He is responsible for all of that.

853690525d · 28/07/2020 15:40

Also, what exactly did he do? He's not chained to your friendship forever, is he? Surely you wouldn't want someone seeing you out of duty anyway?

853690525d · 28/07/2020 15:43

And if it was such a minor thing to do, why start a thread about it as if it was such a badass think to do?? You sound exhausting and entitled and perhaps this is what he's had enough of, just a thought. He hasn't had an affair, he just doesn't want to be close. Totally allowed.

Nighttown · 28/07/2020 15:46

OP, not only should you not 'be the bigger person', you should think very hard about why you are even considering it, and your tendency to give pisstakers second and third chances, and to 'rescue' idiots from the consequences, practical and emotional, of their own bad behaviour -- because it sounds as if it's part of a pattern of people-pleasing behaviour (at least in the context of this relationship, if not more widely).

Stop being a 'closet badass' (is this even possible?) and start expecting better behaviour from other people, and not tolerating bad.

Chungus · 28/07/2020 15:50

This thread is so cringey (closet bad ass??)

You openly let him treat you like shit. Fucking about with his email or whatever is just embarrassing.

Original poster

Whathewhatnow · 28/07/2020 16:02

Thanks for your thoughts folks It really fucking sucks to be involved with someone like this. I hope it is something you never experience. They dont start out complete twats. That emerges slowly.

Yes to people pleasing. If you cant even please your parents as a kid, and perennially disappoint and worry them, then that does tend to set you up for a lifetime of trying to garner affection and putting up with stuff you shouldn't from people who shower you with love initially.

Time for some counselling I think.

OP posts:

Splitsunrise · 28/07/2020 16:05

Wow you last few posters are so brave insulting people anonymously on the internet... you have no idea what OP is like in real life, she’s clearly had a shitty time and she’s not perfect just like the rest of us. You’re not morally superior.

OP maybe you do have a bit of work to do on yourself but this doesn’t sound like a massive deal if it’s something he can solve quickly himself. Focus on yourself now though you don’t sound malicious, entitled or exhausting to me!

Original poster

Whathewhatnow · 28/07/2020 16:08

Thanks, @Splitsunrise. Your message has made me cry. I feel totally and utterly beaten, trying to please shitty men.

OP posts:

Nighttown · 28/07/2020 16:24

Thanks for your thoughts folks It really fucking sucks to be involved with someone like this. I hope it is something you never experience. They dont start out complete twats. That emerges slowly.

Yes, but we've all met people who treat us badly, or try to. You can only ultimately control your own response to them.

I hear you, OP, but remember that disappointing your parents doesn't mean there's anything the matter with you -- my parents got in me a more interesting, ambitious and successful 'child' than the one they wanted, but it just made them impatient because they wanted a nice dutiful daughter who didn't go to university, married young, was a SAHM to a large brood and stayed local. That's not me.

Time for some counselling I think.

I think that's a good idea. Good luck.

burdog · 28/07/2020 16:29

Don't do it OP. You're not a dickhead.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/07/2020 18:06

Don't do it. After the "ha, that'll show him" moment, you'll feel a bit dirty about it forever. Just block him, and give yourself metaphorical pats on the back for not descending to his level, and for maintaining your integrity.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 28/07/2020 18:49

'I assure you I'm neither abusive nor a horrible person.'

No one ever thinks they are abusive. Every abuser justifies their crappy behaviour to themselves.

Leave him be. Ex-boyfriends dont determine your value. Don't give him that power. Put your energy into positive things for yourself that have nothing to do with him.

The best revenge is a life well lived and all that.

Original poster

Whathewhatnow · 28/07/2020 20:52

Soon2bemumof3 I'm fairly confident I am not an abuser . . Having been in one long term EA relationship and one where I enjoyed the double whammy of both EA & physical violence. ., I think have a really quite good sense of what abuse looks like and whether I am perpetrator or abuser. But thanks for your cod psychology.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Whathewhatnow · 28/07/2020 20:53

Perpwtaror or abused... or neither preferwvly

OP posts:

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