AIBU to be really disappointed by this birthday?

[Hotmess100]

I’m aware that there are bigger things going on than this and that I probably just need some perspecitve! 😁
I usually try to make everyone’s bday in the family (me, DH, two teens) special (not lavish or expensive, but thoughtful). During my dd’s lockdown birthday i bought every book on her reading list and we strung lights in the garden, played her favourite music, etc etc. I like to think that I’m thoughtful, but my DH rarely puts thought into my birthday or special occasions at all, to the extent that I admit I’ve often put less effort into his bdays just because I know it won’t be reciprocated. My recent birthday though (last week) was a pretty low point even for him. He said he’d take us all out to Sunday lunch at a local pub, forgot to book it till the night before so had to find another option as first choice was all booked, and the one we did go to was pretty grim, food wise. My DD was mortified when I laughed at a joke because she said someone from school was also there, so not much fun either. Needless to say no cards or gifts from anyone. Completely pissed off and can’t seem to shake it. To put this into perspective DH sent his father a £100 gift for his landmark birthday just last month. 🧐Aibu not to be able to shake this seething feeling? I really don’t mean to come across as selfish -just a book or a small bunch of favourite flowers would have done...

Oh dear, no you are absolutely right to feel forgotten and taken for granted i would definitely challenge why gifts his dad but not his wife that is outrageous!!! he hasn't birthed and raised his kids.

Did he grow up in a family where birthdays werent celebrated?
Tell him it upset you. Thats all you can do.

Snap. After loads of effort put in by me into the other lockdown birthdays in the house, no one even remembered mine . They got reminded by a friend half way through the day so did some things...definitely no thought put into it. Yes, just something small in the morning would have been nice.

Tell him this birthday was crap and next year had better not be.

I would feel just the same OP, I know how you feel.
Belated happy birthday wishes to you

My 40th birthday was much the same. DH didn’t buy me anything, but got me a card and a takeaway! When I politely asked ‘is my present in the post’ his face dropped and he said ‘you didn’t ask me for anything so I didn’t get you a present‘. Just like you, I wasn’t expecting anything expensive, a pair of earrings or anything to show a bit of thought would have meant so much. I was so disappointed, after experiencing a horrible few months prior to that. The disappointment is still there in the background for me. His 50th is coming up later this year and I don’t know whether to do the same for him!
He is a good man but he is just terrible at birthdays and Christmas.
I don’t know what to suggest to make it better OP apart from to talk about it with him and say how sad and forgotten about it made you feel.

Just had a landmark birthday and whilst dp did amazingly none of my family bothered to put any thought in. A load of face creams by a brand i can't use and a scrapbook type thing which again is not something I have ever been into. I have been utterly devastated as I put my heart and soul into thoughtful gifts that play to people's interests.

The excuses given were "you're impossible to buy for"

I would forget his birthday, no acknowledgement at all. Next year order a gift, cake and book somewhere nice for your birthday. You can't make him do something for you, but you shouldn't have to miss out.

That sounds really bad and I would be disappointed also.
The fact that you DD got embarrassed when you laughed would indicate that she's of an age where she could independently get you something or at least prompt her dad to get you something?

Why didn't the kids buy you something from the supermarket with a card? Surely 2 teenagers could rustle up a few pounds to get you a card and a bar of chocolate.

Pick things that you would have liked, get them for yourself and tell them what you have done. Completely cut back on money and time spent on them. Instead of giving, start asking and telling.

Next ones birthday, you say "I'm following the example you showed me so don't expect anything next week". Follow through until they start to appreciate you.

Thank you so much everyone who has replied. I was really beginning to doubt myself and it helps to know I’m not alone as well - Sunshineonrainydays and Popjam, my symplathies to you both too! 💐🍰
Tomorrow I’m getting my favourite perfume and I’m going out for lunch with a friend. And Enough4me, yes I really do feel like cutting right back on what I normally do for them until there’s more balance between what they expect and what they give in return...

DH is so lazy & thoughtless with birthdays & Christmas. It used to hurt me so much. I’ve always put so much effort into his days and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t do the same. I still don’t.
However now I buy myself the gifts that I want from him on his card. I go completely ott- jewelry, clothes, perfume, ANYTHING that I want I buy. I give it to him the day before, tell him to go wrap it, buy me cards, flowers & chocolate too. I spend more than he would have & love all the gifts that I’ve chosen.
If he can’t be considerate then he can be generous and I’ll be happy!

Next year write a list / he doesn’t take hints so tell him what you want or go buy ur yourself

They are taking you for granted and will only get the message when you act in the same way. No cards or presents from your immediate family is pretty shabby behaviour, particularly from your DH.

@Hotmess100 don’t leave it until next year. Tomorrow morning tell them: ‘my birthday was shit, so we are going to celebrate it properly this coming weekend. I expect thoughtful gifts and cards - I do not expect you to spend loads of money, it’s the thought that counts. And DH get ringing round to book somewhere nice to eat.’
Sometimes shock tactics work the best

Yes I love the idea above! Have another birthday!!

Yup, I think I will have another birthday, even if I have to do it myself! DH has previous form for this kind of thing, and I have tried the withholding and treating him the same, (which felt uncomfortable to me,) as a protest. A couple of years ago he had a landmark birthday which he a) wanted to spend with hobby sport team mates rather than me and b) came after he insensitively ignored my all clear from cancer anniversary that I had really wanted to celebrate a little bit and had dropped hints about. Conveniently he forgets all about his own insensitivity that led up to his own birthday, and just remembers that he didn’t get much on his 50th and plays the victim. He really comes across as having no idea, or of really not caring at all. I think it’s probably the latter and it does make me wonder about the level of caring and how long I put up with this.

No cards, no gifts from anyone?? Completely unacceptable. Your husband sounds pretty thoughtless tbh about a number of things.

Yes I think thoughtless sums it up. I don’t want my children taking his cue...

belated happy birthday, OP

Even if DH didn't grow up in a family where birthdays were celebrated I'm guessing he and OP have been together for a fair few birthdays given their DD had a reading list.

OP, you have to be clear about what you want and also managing your own expectations. For eg, i like presents etc for Christmas & birthdays and so does DH. That's good. I like a surprise but i prefer to receive something i really want. (he has in the past bout hideously expensive gifts that he genuinely thought - for some reason - i'd like, that i have absolutely hated, put away and never looked at again.) So what i do is make a massive list - i update it constantly - which has make/brand/colour where that is important to me. It isn't in any order and there are a range of prices. At first he thought i expected everything on the list but soon learned that gifts off the list = good. gifts not on the list = meh. (not that I'd ever say "i hate this" but he can tell)

I think you need to do something similar if you want to enjoy your birthdays in future. Or organise them yourself.

@FishTaco101

Did he grow up in a family where birthdays werent celebrated? Tell him it upset you. Thats all you can do.

I'm guessing not,since OP says he send a £100 gift to his dad.

OP you arent being unreasonable. Your DH could at least have got a card and gift. It sounds like your daughter is old enough to shop for a card for you as well.

It was my birthday yesterday and when I woke up my DH said “happy birthday what did you order yourself?” I just gave him the look of death, so he panicked and went out got me a cake and some chocolates and cards from DC and then handed over his bank card so I could buy myself some books.
It’s still hurtful OP, I would pull him up on it. It’s not hard to be thoughtful once a year.

Don't wait till next year or the next birthday. Gather them all together and tell them all now that you're disappointed by their lack of effort after all you do, and that this is now how family should behave. Make a point of it being about their behaviour not your attitude and that you to make up for how sad you are, you are going out to celebrate alone/buy yourself some presents and do so, leaving them to think about it.

Otherwise I bet the excuse will be that they didn't realise you wanted anything/were upset.

@Hotmess100 did you tell them?

Hotmess make sure your family know that you're buying perfume for yourself as a birthday gift and going out to lunch with a friend to celebrate tomorrow. Go out for the whole day, preferably leaving the fridge empty, and leave them to sort out their own meals. Come home with a big bunch of flowers and put them in front of the tv/somewhere everybody will notice.

Honestly, OP if your children are 13+, they're capable of making birthday cards or baking something for you. I would be tempted when they mention what they're expecting for their birthday to say I think we won't acknowledge it this year as you really didn't acknowledge mine. Obviously you're not going to follow this through but it might just make them realise how selfish they have been.
Husband's birthday I really would ignore altogether.

Have a lovely time with your friends, you deserve it!