AIBU to be really disappointed by this birthday?

[Hotmess100]

I’m aware that there are bigger things going on than this and that I probably just need some perspecitve! 😁
I usually try to make everyone’s bday in the family (me, DH, two teens) special (not lavish or expensive, but thoughtful). During my dd’s lockdown birthday i bought every book on her reading list and we strung lights in the garden, played her favourite music, etc etc. I like to think that I’m thoughtful, but my DH rarely puts thought into my birthday or special occasions at all, to the extent that I admit I’ve often put less effort into his bdays just because I know it won’t be reciprocated. My recent birthday though (last week) was a pretty low point even for him. He said he’d take us all out to Sunday lunch at a local pub, forgot to book it till the night before so had to find another option as first choice was all booked, and the one we did go to was pretty grim, food wise. My DD was mortified when I laughed at a joke because she said someone from school was also there, so not much fun either. Needless to say no cards or gifts from anyone. Completely pissed off and can’t seem to shake it. To put this into perspective DH sent his father a £100 gift for his landmark birthday just last month. 🧐Aibu not to be able to shake this seething feeling? I really don’t mean to come across as selfish -just a book or a small bunch of favourite flowers would have done...

I’d speak to them all. Ask if they would like it. No cards, no cake. No thought. Hope you manage to have a better day celebrating without them.

OP,
I wouldn't lift a finger for his birthday again.
Scale back massively on the effort you go for your children.

Book something nice for yourself and do that next year.

We teach people how to treat us.

Your husband doesn't sound very nice but it sounds as if you know that.

My ex was like this. For his 40th I arranged a surprise meal out with 30 people, did balloons, table decorations and cake (plus gifts).

For my 40th I organised my own party ... and didn't even get a cake.

Tosser

I would sit them all down and tell them how disappointed and under appreciated you feel and that from now on unless they change their attitudes you won’t be bothering to make their birthdays special as they clearly don’t care about yours.

I know its not very mumsnet but I love birthdays mine and my loved ones. The way I see it is life I'd hard enough. Let's take the opportunity to have fun and let people know they are loved. So this would make me quite sad. I think you need to explain to him why birthdays matter to you. You are not being unreasonable at all.

A version of this post is on here so regularly. Mums are really taken for granted and overlooked, plus I think there is a hugh element of laziness. Don't stand for it, they need to do better. Get angry, I think you are entitled to.

Get them all together, tell them how upset you were. In fact I'd say you'll give them another chance and have your birthday on the same day next month, and if no-one makes any effort then you won't be either from now on.

Plus always organise something nice for yourself anyway, which doesn't involve the family, that's what I do.

Your husband sounds thoughtless.
Discussion about your feelings would be good.
Guidance on what is acceptable might be required.

Luckily, thoughtlessness is not hereditary and your children are not yet lost causes.

They just need educating in how to prepare for someone's birthday.

Teaching by example hasn't worked ( they just don't see all the prep you do for them- birthdays just happen).

Get them to prepare birthdays for each other and other relations perhaps. (Support and encourage, especially at first. Praise efforts and let them enjoy their success. )

They might even think of doing this for you... eventually.

@Eeeeeeeok

I know its not very mumsnet but I love birthdays mine and my loved ones. The way I see it is life I'd hard enough. Let's take the opportunity to have fun and let people know they are loved. So this would make me quite sad. I think you need to explain to him why birthdays matter to you. You are not being unreasonable at all.

I completely agree. There's no age limit on feeling joy and excitement, life is better with cake. It's nice to make other people feel special, and to feel special in return.

OP, YANBU.

I know how you feel, I think some men (most of the ones I know, though I don't want to generalise!!) just aren't thoughtful. Mine has his good points but planning birthdays ain't one!!

I hope next year is better for you

I’d speak rather than just cutting back as realistically you are going to keep making or buying your kids a cake and presents. It’s inexcusable. Teens could have bought card in shop or online or even made a card, followed bbc food recipe and made a cake. Bit of effort. You are not being silly. My mum wraps little bits up and gives them her elderly neighbours on their birthdays and they are delighted it’s not the hand cream and bar of chocolate it’s fact someone has remembered and wrapped a little surprise up. Like you say a bunch of flowers, card and a cake and you’d be feeling entirely different.

Your update makes it sound as if he’s pretty indifferent to you in general tbh OP. I’m so sorry. And yes, your children are picking up on this and unconsciously following.

I think that you need to speak to him, making clear that the issue isn’t just your recent birthday but that his minimal effort on that day brought your general concerns about his offhand attitude to a head.

My OH is like this and I put it down to the way he was raised.

Birthdays weren’t a big thing in his house and still aren’t now that he’s an adult so it doesn’t come naturally to him to spoil someone on their birthday.

It’s a conversation you’re going to need to have with him. You can’t just hope he’ll change his lifelong learned behaviour.

@Hotmess100

Yes I think thoughtless sums it up. I don’t want my children taking his cue...

Sounds like they already are unfortunately. If they are both teens they are more that old enough to organise something themselves, or at least insist that their Dad facilitates something from them. I'm glad you are going to celebrate with a friend. I agree with pp that you should put as much effort into his birthday as he does for yours.

Thanks to everyone who has posted - advice, support and perspective was really welcome, as was the validation that I was not being unreasonable. Opened the way for an honest chat and cleared the air. Plus, a gift that my DH had ordered earlier did arrive in the post today - I will need to keep working on communication as well I think...
Thanks again.

So lax. Yes I would point it out. I get v little as am after xmas but yes I get peeved as feel I am thoughtful all year. I get your hurt. I just dont make same fuss now. Find my friends casual too with birthdays

Have you had a clear conversation with him about it? Rather than him not being bothered about your special days, and you not being bothered about his in retaliation, and you both losing out... would he be open to changing once he realises how upset you are by it? (or have you spoken about it before and he still can't be bothered?)

And I would also have an open conversation with your children. That it really means a lot to you when they take the time to remember your birthday, and that it hurts when no-one seems to be bothered. You could also ask them how they would feel if you didn't bother with their birthday? And that it feels the same when they do it to you.

Oops, crosspost!

Too little too late. Book the twat the same shitty pub for his next birthday!

Do what @NameChange2PostThis said. Tell them this weekend is a rerun as your actual birthday was a let down!
If the gift was on the way, why didn't he tell you that on your birthday?

some men (most of the ones I know, though I don't want to generalise!!) just aren't thoughtful
Because they don't have to be. Men are let off easily on birthdays. Don't do that!

Having been in a similar situation previously, I would say you should definitely speak to them about it. I really don’t think it’s a good idea to reciprocate by doing the same to them. In my experience this just leads to pent up resentment. It is important to you so you should tell them.

You have to say ahead of time what you want, I’ve learned this the hard way. If you don’t have a good gift-giver/organiser who knows you and cares about you then you must speak up about your expectations.

I ruined a significant birthday for myself by silently waiting to see who would make a fuss, noting all the people I’d made an effort for. There was a bit of scrambling to do something but that just made it worse. I’m not proud of myself, but it taught me a lesson.