AIBU to have criticised estranged H

[strugglingtofindausername]

Name changed for this.

I have separated from DH but he still visits once a week staying overnight to see our toddler and I visit his. He was abusive during our marriage. He would swear at me, call me a C word, break my things, financially not help me, spat at me, wish I was dead etc. Police called once. But for the sake of our toddler we spend this time together. He can't be trusted with toddler and has shown little interest. We have been getting on fine no arguing etc.

DH is a gardener. He didn't do a course so is practically on minimum wage. He is only able to rent somewhere because he had inheritance which propped him up. He did a degree at university but never managed to stay in PR/marketing and just wouldn't make it past the internships etc. He couldn't deal with the office environment and wanted to do his own thing. He is quite lazy though always has been and even in the summer only works about 3.5 days per week.

Anyway I am a professional earning around £50k. H never pays maintenance. I don't ask him as he can't really afford it. I am barely managing given the full time nursery fees I have and the fact I have to try to buy him out of this house.

He is in the process of getting a loan from his parents to buy a £15k car!!! I drive a banged up hand me down that has done over 100k miles and is 19 years old. He is talking about going on holiday. He is only able to do this because his parents have enabled him and I have but he will be in for a shock once this stops.

We were talking today and H said something along the lines of I hope toddler likes gardening and he can be a self employed gardener like me. I said I didn't want him to be and he shouldn't encourage him. When pushed I explained that he isn't even able to support his son because of this and is having to rely on parents or me historically. He accused me of being a snob but I explained I want toddler to do better in life than both of us as we both are struggling in one way albeit me temporarily I hope for now. He got so angry called me the C word etc and shouted etc and I am now hiding in the car for a bit of breathing space.

Am I a snob? How do I encourage H while we coparent to try to want the best for toddler. H's choices and opportunities are limited in life. He is in a basement ground floor flat, can't get a mortgage and when his inheritance runs out can't afford to rent.

I don't want him wanting that kind of life for toddler.

It sounds like you're making a lot of effort for him to see his child when he doesn't prioritise them himself.
He has no right to treat you the way he does and you don't need to put up with it.
Let him make the effort.

You are focussing on the wrong things here. It doesn't matter if he is living in a basement flat. It does matter that he is swearing at you, shouting and breaking things.

Don't let him back into your house. Your dc doesn't need to have this abusive, angry man in his life.

Sorry but you do sound a snob from that comment. Also £50,000 is a more than a majority of couples with a child (including me with 3 children) are living on so not sure how you are struggling on it.
Doesn’t take away from how he treated you or the name calling though and perhaps you need to come up with another plan to reduce contact between you two as it doesn’t sound like it’s working.

It's not your job to encourage ex. If he can't be motivated by having a DC then nothing you say will help.

Stop facilitating him staying over foc at your house for a start. You're making his life easier and again removing any need to expend any energy on his behalf. Let him stay in a B&B or whatever. Bet you feed him and make the bed etc.

Why the hell would you have anyone who spoke to you like that in your house?

I do think YABU only for not picking your battles. He hardly bothers with your son, he isnt going to exert that much influence on him. It's not that I think you were in the wrong necessarily I just think there are better things worth arguing about. And him being a gardener isnt directly related to his poor management of money and poor financial decisions eg spending 15k on a car when he cant pay towards his son.

@ConstanceSalinger it's still a joint property while I try to buy him out. He hasn't lived her for 6 months though. I think I am worried if he doesn't see toddler here, he will want toddler to stay with him overnight. He has a temper and is just very careless and I don't think toddler would be safe with him. His flat isn't suitable either. It has damp and toddler has asthma.

@Beldon I know it sounds a lot but I live in the south east (not London), pay the mortgage and all bills alone without child maintenance and pay £1200 per month on nursery fees. It doesn't go as far as you would think. I'm not excessively housed either as it's a 2 bed end of terrace.

I agree with *StatsDon’tLie”, it just isn’t worth having an argument about. Your son is so, so far off thinking about what he wants to do as an adult. Why worry about what his wastrel of a father thinks about it?
Don’t get me wrong, you are doing great and he sounds like an abusive waste of space - but for your own good, just don’t engage when he says things like that. Make life easy on yourself. Good luck OP, you sound like you’re doing well after a shitty marriage.

Even in the south east £50,000 is a lot on a single salary.
However , you shouldn’t be subjected to his vitriol .
Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Your ex sounds awful and you shouldn’t have to put up with that abuse in your own home.

However some Gardner’s earn quite well self employed (around £40k) so I wouldn’t dismiss it if your toddler grows up to be interested in it and it would save a lot on uni fees. I’d hope they’d have more drive than your ex though and actually work full time and make a decent wage.

So you don't want your child to end up a loser like his dad? Sounds like fair comment to me!
But it's not because he's a gardener. The gardeners I know are hard-working and earn, not massive, but quite decent incomes.
I'd stop bending over backwards to enable contact and I'd pursue him for maintenance.

I don't think you're a snob. I think you're right to want your child for themself. Your ex is doing a part time job while living off a limited inheritance in a small flat, borrowing from his parents to buy a car and verbally abusing you, the mother of his child. He isn't exactly demonstrating how to be a responsible adult.
I think you should claim child maintenence, particularly as you're stretched financially, partly because he left. And I think you should let him do the facilitating when it comes to contact with your child.

To those who think £50k is loads, try living on that as a single parent while paying for full time childcare, a mortgage, buying your ex out of a house (which you probably wouldn't have bought on your own) and all the household outgoings. Some couples may earn less combined but they will have cut their cloth accordingly and have eachother to help with childcare, or perhaps family doing it for free.

*'...your child to do well for themself that should say'!

Not a snob but definitely picking an argument where there's not one to be had.

He's a toddler for goodness sake. The chances of his dad still being a gardener when it comes to him picking a career is anyone's guess.

Smile and nod.

Like a pp, I really think that you are focusing on the wrong thing here. OK, he is doesn't support his child (or even himself) financially. Obviously that's not great.

But the elephant in the room is his abusive behaviour. Shouting, swearing, spitting at you, breaking stuff - was this all witnessed by your toddler? That's very damaging for him. I don't know how you can bring yourself to have him staying over. I hope you reported these incidents to the police, so it's on record? He sounds like a particularly nasty and immature teenager. Maybe speak to Women's Aid for advice on protecting your son.

You need to stop stashing at each other's houses. your child is young enough that, if you have a clean break, it will be the norm and they'll never know any differently. It isn't healthy to have two parents not together being miserable in each other's company. I understand you wanting to spend time with your child together but in the long run this isn't fair or feasible - will you still be doing sleepovers when your toddler is 18?

Worrying about your toddler being influenced to be a gardener is literally the last thing you should be worried about here.... it’s more likely he is going to grow up being influenced to treat other people (women) like shit and that it’s acceptable to threaten and abuse your partner.

Honestly why would you be actively involved in this guys life? The most you need to have to do with him is facilitating the agreed contact between him and your young child (assuming no safeguarding issues).

Snob / not a snob - does it matter? Stop having sleep overs and cosy chit chat with someone who calls you a cunt and makes you feel like you have to hide in your car.

Please for the sake of your DS stand back and look at this shit show for what it really is

And the “we want to spend time together for our toddler” is absurd. You’re more likely to complicate and confuse him by doing that.

IF you had a safe, friendly, amicable and caring co parenting relationship then shared family time might work but you have none of those things. You have a nasty shit bag of an ex abusing you in front on your child.

Could contact take place at a contact centre (if they are running)?

There are many "famous" gardeners who have done very well for themselves. My DP is a gardener and he earns well but he does work bloody hard for it.

YABU and a snob, yes.

You should want your child to “do better” by being happy, not by whatever job they end up in. If they end up working retail but they’re happy then they’re winning, rather than being a lawyer but miserable.

You have your priorities all wrong here OP. Your actions are completely wrong and you are enabling him too. Sell the pigging house, pay him out and stop access to your child by court order if necessary. You need to grow a far bigger set of ball and get far far angrier than you are.

There’s nothing snobbish about wanting your child to grow up and have a job that earns enough to put a roof over his head and contribute financially to his own children.

Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine, except I'm not a professional and my ex has been off sick for about 7 years. I don't want to derail a thread but I'm sort of afraid of starting my own so I'll watch here for tips.

He should not be staying at yours and calling you a cunt.

There's nothing wrong with being a gardener IF you work hard and crate a decent business.

Your ex has not done that.

I'm not really sure why you're having these arguments. One, your partner is responsible for his relationship with his child - it's not your job to facilitate this for him. Two, it will be your son's decision what career he will pursue. The best gift you can give him is a healthy sense of self and part of that is not putting up with your ex's abusive behaviour