Stepdaughter blaming me for all her life stresses...

[ReginaaPhalange]

Paint the picture: DSD is 11. I have been in her life since she was 4 and we normally get on great.

She is very hormonal now as she is at that stage in her life. I've seen the way she speaks to her mum which put it this way, if I done that at her age to my mum, my backside would still be burning to this day (and no, my parents didn't hit me, I'm just saying....).. she can be very blunt, rude and down right cheeky, but that's her age... right?

So tonight, she asked for an ice lolly. The only ones in our freezer are the Asda cider apple ones. We told her it's not like plain apple flavour but she wanted to have it, so fine. Within a few minutes she's moaning saying it tastes like there's alcohol in it. Both DH and I reassure her there is no alcohol in it. She carries on like that for a few minutes, tasing it, complaining it doesn't taste right, so in the end I just say to her, "sweetheart, i know you're not liking it, so just stop complaining about the taste and put it in the sink to melt if you don't want to eat it". So off she does this then immediately goes into her wee strop. When I ask her what's wrong, she screwed her face up and said nothing was wrong , then went upstairs sniffing. I asked DH if I should follow but he said just to leave her. I asked if I was out of line and he said not at all, it's hormones.

Anyway, she's come downstairs and seems ok. I did tell her it was ok to not like things, it's not the end of the world etc. Had a wee hug and that was that. She went back upstairs for a bit and is now back downstairs playing on the PlayStation with DH.

When I was taking her clothes from the washing basket (yes, I do her washing and I'm happy to do so) she had her notebook open and yes I know I probably shouldn't have read it, but she was saying that she hates her life, wishes it was over, Hates me, says I'm the blame for all her stresses and worries in life and I make everything worse for her.

I immediately call my DH up to show him it and he just tells me to ignore it and she's just being hormonal.

I don't know how to feel. DH has told me if I was ever out of line he would tell me, DH does talk to her etc if she has been out of turn, but DH is happy for me to tell DSD off if there is a need to. I am now worried sick I'm causing her to be stressed at our home :(

Am I being unreasonable to her or am I being reasonable? I'm scared she will go home and tell her mum that I'm causing her stress in life (she has seen a counsellor in the past about her anxiety). Her mum HATES me (trust me, no exaggeration) and doesn't think twice being berating me both online and to others including my friends and my boss at work.

DH says I'm being over sensitive..... am I?

I don’t have much step experience but I feel sorry for you.

She’s prob picking up on her Mums hate.
Hopefully one day when she’s older she’ll understand you have loved her and been good for her.

And remember teens tend to hate their parents anyway

Your dh is right. You havent done anything wrong and need to take this less personally. It is quite normal for hormonal teens to blame all their stresses on other people, she probably meant exactly what she wrote when she wrote it but it doesnt make it true.

And dont read her diary any more, it's private.

You were wrong to read her diary and you would be wrong to take it to heart. Kids write all sorts in diaries. They’re private venting spaces, not historically accurate records.

It sounds like your relationship is fine and she’s a normal kid finding her way in life. Stop reading things which a clearly private and keep supporting her as you are and it will all be fine.

Thank you for the replies.

It's not her diary, she does have one which she brings between houses and I'd never read that. It was an open note pad on the floor next to the washing basket, but I acknowledge it was still wrong to continue reading the note. I won't do that again in future and I will respect her privacy more

I’m was very sad to read your post OP.
I don’t have much by way of advice other than to keep loving her and to keep your constancy.
She will get over this at some point but keeping a level playing field will help.

She left it for you to read. I think a chat is in order.

Your DH ex slags you off to your boss? I agree with the previous comment that a chat is in order, but with your DH. He is happy for you to ignore this as it is more comfortable for him not to take the bull by the horns and having a talk with ex about her behaviour, your dsd will be picking up on her DM attitude.

I think it's completely normal, I remember coming across some of my sister's notebooks/diaries when she was a similar age. She'd write horrible things about people clearly about particular events that had happened to make her feel upset or angry (remember she's still a child and feels and deals with things differently) but then she'd move on. She lived in the moment which I imagine your SD is also doing. I was completely different, never really wrote in journals or held onto anger long enough to write it down but people are different. In adulthood I have however written angry emails and texts and then deleted them before sending so imagine this is similar, a way of processing feelings and venting whether it was justified or not.
It's not clear if she wanted or expected you to see it unless she knew you were about to collect her washing and even then she might just have dropped it on the floor and moved on (definitely something my sister would've done). I don't think it's anything to worry about and not intended as a personal attack but more in the moment writing.

@Dontbeme

Shes slagged me off from day 1. (DH and his ex were long separated before he met me (4 years)). She is a very bitter woman. Holds on to everything that's ever been said and twists it. Told my boss in untrustworthy etc. People just assume she's bitter and they ignore it, but it still hurts...

Ah OP, I feel your pain. I'm a stepmum too, met DH two years after he chucked ExW out for cheating. She's very bitter, told half the town I split up their happy marriage etc.(whilst leaving DH and I to do 75% of raising SD).
SD is also 11 and her mum tried to turn her against me. Didnt work. She's now hormonal too but hasn't blamed me yet. Sadly I suspect thats what will happen. Her mum has already told SD she never met me until after our son was born. Shame cos SD knows she's lying.
All I can suggest is you spend time with her. I do her hair, make up, nails and just listen to her.
We're friends and thats cool, I hope it stays that way. Just try and do your best for her.
Being a stepmum is so hard and shit. DH and SD are bloody lucky they're cute!!
Hope you're ok, MN is hard on step parents!

@TaighNamGastaOrt thank you so much for your kind reply.

I always try to be her friend. Thankfully DSD knows what her mum is like and even pulls her up on it, but just gets told "I didn't say that, you're dreaming again" 🥺💔

I said night night to her, gave her a cuddle and asked her if I ever make her stressed. She said no. I asked her if she would tell me if I did and she said she would.

Still hurt by the note, but as it's been mentioned here, it was probably an in the moment scribble :( xx

It’s only a couple of weeks since I had an argument in the supermarket with a friend (we have 13 yo dd’s) as to who really was the worst mum in the world. We are both being advised so on a regular basis.

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your SD. I think to any kid an adult stresses them out and its easy to pass blame onto them. She sounds like your average 11 year old girl who is quickly trying to offload how she's feeling in that very moment. Be her friend, earn her trust and she will know your always there.

Never read what you aren’t prepared to hear.

She didn’t tell you any of this, she wrote it down, and likely in the moment.

I don’t think there’s a child alive who hasn’t hated their parents at some point, not directly necessary, but who hasn’t blamed their parents for some wrong in their lives. It’s human, and teenage nature.

Your DH is right, you need to ignore

I'd advise you to go on tiktok and look up 'she fucking hates us'. It's funny videos that Mums/Dads do about their teens. My teen fucking hates me. Spawn of the devil himself I am. But I hope she'll come back to me. Well here's hoping!

OP don't take it personally. Dsd is probably trying to work out a world full of starting to grow up and angry. Your probably an easy target for her angst.
My own DD had a brief change of personality towards me around that age.
I was a single parent and the first punch bag she could find.
Bless her. But don't tell her you've read it. She needs to trust you

.

Don't let yourself be manipulated into self-doubt by your stepdaughter; they crave sympathy and recognition of their 'hard' lives! Your DH sounds as if he is reading everything right.

A comment not really a criticism - you and DH seem to both be dealing with the ice lolly 'tragedy' - perhaps one of you would have been enough. Can you step back and let DH deal with stuff on his own - she can hardly blame you then.

11yo has a strop about something trivial and then moans about her step mum in her diary. perfectly normal behaviour at that age.

You are definitely being oversensitive about this. And you shouldn't be trying to be her 'friend' you should be trying to be her stepmother, you seem to be blurring the lines here.

Gosh OP I remember writing something horrid in my diary when I was about that age about someone in the family because he'd pissed me off for something I can't even remember now.

I came across it years and years later when I was moving out and going through my old things and had a good chuckle at myself and how dramatic I was being at the time. And no, I didn't mean it, I still love and speak to the person I wrote it about today, I don't even remember why I wrote it now! I was just a moody hormonal child who'd probably been told no when I didn't want to be.

Your oh is correct. You sound lovely and if anything about too invested.

I would have been much less kind with my kids with the incident! Probably told them off for wasting a lollie!

I'm sorry you feel hurt, I think, in reality, most of us would, despite knowing what we were like as pre teens ourselves!

She's a hormonal kid, her scribblings are venting, that's all. You're her SM, you're an easy target when she's pissed off or upset and especially when her mum hates you. But it'll be her Dad, her Mum, the cat in turn.

Try not to let it get to you.

Sounds like the pair of you are a bit soft with her. Such a massive gently, gently, fuss over a bloody ice lolly! Be careful because your life will be hell in her teenage year if you keep 'princessing' her.

She didn't even write it in her diary - she scribbled it on a notepad in moment of drama and left it somewhere for you to find. It's not like she's been keeping a daily record of your perceived cruelty. I remember doing similar at that age and we've found mine and my siblings' notebooks from when we used to draw at my nan's that have similar things written in them. So I really wouldn't worry.

Writing down weird things like that felt really naughty and dramatic - a bit like writing swear words. I remember drawing a picture of myself dead in a coffin and writing down what my outfit would be (I'd have my hair in two plaits and would be wearing red lipstick, Levi jeans and a denim jacket that would have to be bought especially for my funeral. Possibly black stilettos too? I'd also have my fingers set in rigor mortis so that I was sticking one finger up on one side and flicking a V on the other).

You've talked and hugged and she's told you to your face that you don't stress her out too.

Also, if the biggest stress in her life - caused by you - is that you told her that she didn't have to eat a lolly that she didn't like, you're probably doing fine

You sound like a lovely stepmum and she's lucky to have you

Only thing I would say is don’t dismiss her feelings as “hormones”.

My mum did that to me. Still does in fact. That meant some very real issues were missed, when I should really have been in therapy. Consequently as an adult I’ve never dealt with those issues.

She’s obviously upset over something. It might be it’s teenage angst, it might be something else which needs attention, not dismissing as hormones.

Maybe look at getting her someone to talk to about her feelings? She’s clearly upset and there is a conflict between parents, so she may not feel able to talk to either...