Stepdaughter blaming me for all her life stresses...

[ReginaaPhalange]

Paint the picture: DSD is 11. I have been in her life since she was 4 and we normally get on great.

She is very hormonal now as she is at that stage in her life. I've seen the way she speaks to her mum which put it this way, if I done that at her age to my mum, my backside would still be burning to this day (and no, my parents didn't hit me, I'm just saying....).. she can be very blunt, rude and down right cheeky, but that's her age... right?

So tonight, she asked for an ice lolly. The only ones in our freezer are the Asda cider apple ones. We told her it's not like plain apple flavour but she wanted to have it, so fine. Within a few minutes she's moaning saying it tastes like there's alcohol in it. Both DH and I reassure her there is no alcohol in it. She carries on like that for a few minutes, tasing it, complaining it doesn't taste right, so in the end I just say to her, "sweetheart, i know you're not liking it, so just stop complaining about the taste and put it in the sink to melt if you don't want to eat it". So off she does this then immediately goes into her wee strop. When I ask her what's wrong, she screwed her face up and said nothing was wrong , then went upstairs sniffing. I asked DH if I should follow but he said just to leave her. I asked if I was out of line and he said not at all, it's hormones.

Anyway, she's come downstairs and seems ok. I did tell her it was ok to not like things, it's not the end of the world etc. Had a wee hug and that was that. She went back upstairs for a bit and is now back downstairs playing on the PlayStation with DH.

When I was taking her clothes from the washing basket (yes, I do her washing and I'm happy to do so) she had her notebook open and yes I know I probably shouldn't have read it, but she was saying that she hates her life, wishes it was over, Hates me, says I'm the blame for all her stresses and worries in life and I make everything worse for her.

I immediately call my DH up to show him it and he just tells me to ignore it and she's just being hormonal.

I don't know how to feel. DH has told me if I was ever out of line he would tell me, DH does talk to her etc if she has been out of turn, but DH is happy for me to tell DSD off if there is a need to. I am now worried sick I'm causing her to be stressed at our home :(

Am I being unreasonable to her or am I being reasonable? I'm scared she will go home and tell her mum that I'm causing her stress in life (she has seen a counsellor in the past about her anxiety). Her mum HATES me (trust me, no exaggeration) and doesn't think twice being berating me both online and to others including my friends and my boss at work.

DH says I'm being over sensitive..... am I?

I used to do exactly the same thing about my Stepdad when I was a kid. Blamed him for everything, used to write notes like that and leave them around - it’s hard to understand why I did that as a kid. I guess I couldn’t write it about my Mum because she was my Mum even though I hated her too because...well hormones.

I adore adore adore my (Step) Dad as an adult and he is one of my favourite people in the whole world.

Bottom line: Don’t sweat it or take it personally, kids do stuff like this as a way of coping with emotions they don’t understand. Easier to blame someone you trust who will love you anyway than actually take responsibility for your own behaviour and feelings at that age.

She loves you and will continue to love you.

My 12 year old used to write down something on the kitchen whiteboard if he is having a strop. I ignored it. Pretend I didn't notice. She wanted you to see and feel hurt, but be a grown up and ignore, she's just a child experiencing difficult time growing up.

I would ignore it. She may have been told at school to write stuff down if she thinks it's wrong to say it.
To you it's irrational but it may be her way of keeping it all together.

I can remember writing about how I hated my mum and my sister was her favourite
None of it was true and I knew that even at the time but I was obviously annoyed with my mum about something so was venting.
You sound like a brilliant step mum. It also sounds like your SD is close to you and I expect she's just picking up on her mums feeling.
I wouldn't be happy about your husband ignoring what his ex says about you. What happens if people start believing her?

I agree with pp you seem to have a lovely relationship, and a lot of teenagers do this. I've found notes from when I was teen and have no idea what happened to make me so angry (many of them say things like 'I will never forget this' but I didn't write down what happened!!). I agree teens get very irrationally upset over small things, like the lolly incident. I also dont think you need to step back, as mentioned by a pp.

Well, her diary is her safe heaven she can vent as much as she wants, so I wouldn't take her notes that personal. On the other hand, you shouldn't have read her diary in the first place! I hope you won't mention it to her because this is the thing that could ruin her ability to trust people.

I have 3 teens 19, 17 and 14. When my eldest was about 12 suddenly puberty hit with a vengeance, I literally could say or do nothing right. I hardly spoke to her as she would be raging at me. I thought "this is it, I guess childhood is over I now can look forward to her hating me all her teenage years and maybe as an adult". Well after about a year, the cloud lifted, she calmed down and wasn't so angry and was much easier to be around again. We now are very close and both show each other how much we love each other all the time.

So try not to take it too personally. Everything that happened is perfectly normal for a teenager. Don't take anything she writes in her diary seriously, don't take it personally if she says she hates you, you ruined her life, everyone else's parents let them do what they want, her mum let's her so it etc. etc. You sound like you are taking her ranting very much to heart. Please try not to and don't get anxious and let it worry you. I have found that the best strategy is just to stay cool, calm and collected. Teens are testing boundaries and looking for a reaction. I find humour is often the best way to handle things. When my kids were that age and told me how terrible I was I was just say "Yeah, I'm the worst mother that ever lived, I'm so mean, the meanest in the world". This hyperbole shows them how they are exaggerating. Just visualize it flying over your head or her words dropping to the ground between you. They are (like toddlers) finding words have power and are trying to get a rise and a reaction.

One thing I personally won't stand for is disrespect. I am never disrespectful to my husband or kids and won't accept it. I don't mean I get into a shouting match but if a kid is disrespectful the conversation is over. Anything they were trying to persuade me to do becomes an automatic no. They will get a consequence such as losing their phone for the day etc. I also think it's very important to teach teens by this not to accept abuse and not to be abusive.

Also, if they want friends over their rooom must be clean first. Don't be afraid to be like Mary Poppins "kind but firm". Hold your boundaries, in the long run she will respect you for it. You are not her mum but you are a very important role model, she is learning how to be a woman from you. It's not your job to be her best friend at the moment but to keep her safe and help her understand there will be natural consequences, such as people don't want to be around you, you lose privileges etc. when you behave badly.

She can't control the hormonal surges, just like PMT, if you ever found yourself irritated, angry, bursting into tears etc leading up to your period or when you were pregnant it's the same thing: natural hormones causing normal, natural behavior. Try not to take any of it personally, no matter who she would be living with she would behave this way.

Hi OP

Try not to take it to heart. My DD15 was a complete nob to DH (stepdad) between age 9&12. He’s been around since she was 2.

It had passed by 13 and now at 15 they get on great and she’s become a more pleasant human to be around.

I’m currently going through something similar with one of my step DC at 14 as their DM hates me too.

It will pass.

Never read anything an 11 yr leaves lying around. I once tore myself to shreds because DD seemed on the point of suicide! How could she be that unhappy, how could I not have noticed etc?
She had been writing down song lyrics..!

You sound like a lovely stepmum OP and like others said she wrote it in the heat of the moment and I’m sure she doesn’t mean it. If it even was what was going through her mind. Are you sure she wasn’t just writing a story if it was in her notebook not her diary?

For DSD, being hormonal at 11 is really tough, she’s still a child so it’s a lot to deal with. Make sure you buy her favourite ice lollies for her next visit.

The ice lolly thing sounds like a total non-event. Honestly if you treat every situation like a drama you're going to be exhausted and your DD is going to end up with a pretty skewed perspective of what is normal.

The notebook thing I can understand is hurtful but as PP have said, totally normal.

Tbh OP you sound pretty needy and desperate to be her friend. Instead perhaps think about being a friendly grownup - of course that means being nice to her but also showing her that you're responsible and trustworthy, not needy and anxious which is how you come across. It's stressful for your SD if she has to 'manage' your emotions and anxiety as well as her own.

@FearlessSwiftie

Well, her diary is her safe heaven she can vent as much as she wants, so I wouldn't take her notes that personal. On the other hand, you shouldn't have read her diary in the first place! I hope you won't mention it to her because this is the thing that could ruin her ability to trust people.

OP has clarified that it wasn't her diary. It was a notebook, which by the sound of things the child left deliberately to be seen.

OP, I know nothing about being a step parent so I'm not going to try to advise you. It does sound like a lot of drama tbh, about an ice lolly.

I'm a nanny and I have had notes like this from stroppy hormonal preteens who will, with the change of the wind, tell you they love you and snuggle up like when they were little.

In my experience it can be an absolutely punishing time for girls dealing with the hormone storm. I always went with its ok to have a moody you just don't get to take it out on everyone so go have it in your room then we can talk.

I kept a note book/diary when small, and if my parents or other family had ever read some of the comments, they would have been horrified - and I loved my parents. I think it’s a healthy way for hormonal pre teens and teens to express themselves by writing down their feelings. She probably felt that way at that moment, but an hour later would probably laugh out loud at her comments and give it no more headspace. They say people who eavesdrop into their children’s thoughts rarely hear or see anything positive. People don’t write things down when they feel happy, only when they feel miserable. I would just continue what you’re doing, and not over analyse these rantings.

That's really normal 11 year old behaviour. That doesn't make it ok and that needs to be made clear to her, but don't make a dramatic fuss about it either.

Waltzing Betty is so right. Co-dependency is when we "catch" emotions from others. It's great to be empathetic obviously but really try not to let your boundaries "leak" by absorbing her anxiety and getting too worried about being liked by her etc. I am very close to all my teens and we have great relationships but they still know I mean what I say and I am not open to manipulation and emotional blackmail. She is too young for you to be a peer of hers. You are a grown adult and you are modeling to her how to manage your emotions. Teens (and preteens) want firm boundaries so they can moan about how you don't understand them and they can recognize they are a different generation. You are never going to be cool to an 11 year old, and you shouldn't try as she won't appreciate you trying to be like her when she is trying to separate from the family in her normal developmental quest to become an adult. Trying to be her friend is like being the "cool mom" aka Mean Girls: it will only win you derision and contempt. That's not what she needs from you right now. She needs a mature adult who isn't trying to impress an 11 year old.

As a child I used to play a game called "which parent would I choose to die, if I had to choose".

It's a shitty game and in it my mum always was the loser. I'd think how much nicer my life would be if I were left with my dad than if I were left with my mum.

I am no 40 years old and whilst I have good relationships with both parents, for the last 25 years I have been far, far closer to my mum than I ever have been to my dad. She has been a real friend.

Looking back, I think the game had more to do with a subconscious sense that my parents were growing apart (they eventually divorced) and feeling pulled into choosing between them.

You sound like a lovely step mum and the notebook sounds like it possibly has less to do with her specific relationship with you and far more to do with being a teenager whose parents are seperated and whose mum struggles with you as part of her daughters/ex-partner's life. Keep loving her. Keeping talking to her. Keep championing her. She will see the good, in the end.

I appreciate it’s harder with step kids but I have a hormonal DD aged 11, there’s lots of flouncing out of rooms with tear filled eyes over trivial (or imagined slights), We just tend to eye roll and let her calm down on her own.
I probably would have said about the lolly, I did say you wouldn’t like it, maybe you’ll listen next time? Or something similar.

You sound so lovely, and you have made the way easier for her to talk to you. Yes, of course she left it there for you to read. She will feel awful I bet when she is older for making you feel that way. But from what you have said she wont mean it, just a little bit of attention seeking.

You handled it brilliantly imo

You sound lovely OP and that must have been really hard to see.

I remember being around that age, maybe a year or two younger, and writing similar notes to myself blaming my dad or my nanny for everything but really it was nothing to do with them, they were and are great, I just struggled to articulate how I was feeling.

You really do sound very caring and a lovely SM, so please try not to worry too much.

@WaltzingBetty

The ice lolly thing sounds like a total non-event. Honestly if you treat every situation like a drama you're going to be exhausted and your DD is going to end up with a pretty skewed perspective of what is normal.

The notebook thing I can understand is hurtful but as PP have said, totally normal.

Tbh OP you sound pretty needy and desperate to be her friend. Instead perhaps think about being a friendly grownup - of course that means being nice to her but also showing her that you're responsible and trustworthy, not needy and anxious which is how you come across. It's stressful for your SD if she has to 'manage' your emotions and anxiety as well as her own.

+1 to this. The child probably feels a bit overwhelmed and it's hard for her if she is hearing her mother constantly badmouthing you.

You are obviously very nice to her, and it's probably all a bit confusing. Just continue as your nice self, and try not to second guess everything with her.

I think it's a mountain out of a molehill. Hugging over an ice lolly. I think you need to stop taking these miniscule dramas so seriously. But otherwise it all sounds normal.

YABU to worry about what she's written in a notebook that was never meant for you to see.

On Radio 4 they do a series called 'My Teenage Diary' in which celebrities read out bits from their diaries, and generally they are full of this sort of thing about their parents. It's not because they don't love their parents, it's because during puberty you have all these huge big feelings about everything that have to go somewhere. Much better that they go into a notebook than direct to your face.

Next time, just be more careful not to read any of it.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I have read all your replies and taken things onboard.

Our little dramas are all around wee things like this (thankfully), but if we ever say no to her or tell her something the opposite of what she wants to hear, then it's the tears, the writing of horrible things (she normally writes us letters and hands them to us..) and within 30 minutes she's all happy again.

Yes her mum hates me, yes both my DH and I have addressed it with her but she denies it and just carries on. We now just ignore it and my friends and boss all know what she's like (she has a very bad rep at work for being two faced, untrustworthy and very promiscuous (she's been moved departments for trying to form inappropriate relationships with senior staff)). I know my DSD gets a lot of flack for having fun with us, her gran is equally as bad. But to be honest, we ignore it and when DSD mentions things to us, we just reassure her on how we love her and that will never change and we have said to write things down if they upset you.

I don't think she meant for the notepad to be seen to be honest, she did mention to me today that she's feeling better and that she's happy she's here and had a fun weekend with us.

The note did have my name in it, "reginaaphalange makes all my stresses and worries worse" to name a few. I won't read her notes anymore and I acknowledge that it was wrong to do so.

Thanks again for all the advice x

Children hating step parents, especially at her age is pretty common. You just need to be there, and keep doing what you're doing and eventually she'll come around.
However reading her notebook is an absolute invasion to her privacy. Whether it was left open or not, you shouldn't have gone near it so in future I would stay her away from her personal stuff. You never find anything good when you go looking.