AIBU or should I just accept always having to do more?

[ShadowCat17]

Talking to my MIL earlier and discussing the differences between her generation and mine with regards housework and child raring. She was a SAHM for many years and my FIL, though a wonderful Dad, did very little with regards child raring which I think is fairly usual for their generation.

My DH is the youngest and an only boy, and currently is WFH due to covid. I’m on mat leave with DS2 4 months and DS1 22 months. MIL keeps saying I’m so lucky that DH is home to help out so much as she had no help from FIL when raising her children but that isn’t the case as I pretty much do everything around the house including cleaning and doing or arranging regular house maintenance, as well as being responsible for everything to do with the children. While I’m on mat leave I don’t have issue with doing more of the housework / childcare, but I do regularly get fed up as I feel DH could do more around the house now without me having to tell him (a real bugbare of mine) TBF he does his best, he’s just not great at time management so does take ages to do what I would do in a fraction of the time.

MIL is of the opinion that I need to stop complaining about ‘fair’ division of labour as it will never be split evenly because a man just naturally can’t do as much because they aren’t wired that way and I should just get on with it as I’ll just make everyone miserable (including children) expecting DH to do more.

I feel strongly that especially as I’m raising 2 boys that I can and should expect DH to step up to do more housework and child raring because it’s teaching them that woman shouldn’t be expected to do more just because they are female.

AIBU to be fed up that the bar always seems to be set so low for men in this regard?

YANBU to expect more.

I don’t have any useful advice that doesn’t turn it into another job for you to take on, though. I’m increasingly resentful about the things I/women in general have on their minds while DH/men in general just... don’t, apparently.

No advice, just pissed off solidarity. My MIL would say similar in a spirit of sympathy, not seeing she was part of the direct cause of shit not being different by the way she raised my DH. Frustrating. She means well.

Rearing

And YANBU, it's certainly not the dynamic in my family.

Oh fucking hell. I married a man who's mummy raised him to think that it was all women's work. Your MIL sounds like my ex MIL. Needless to say I'm now divorced from him. This attitude pisses me off no end.

Always the way with mummy's boys . Correct me if I'm thinking too far back but in her generation women didn't work and was mostly housewives therefore responsibilities were split that finances came from men and housework and children was the women's duty.
Your DH works, you work (except now on mat leave) so why should every other aspect also fall on you?

This nonsense about men just not being wired that way really pisses me off. My husband seems to be wired to see that the dinner needs cooked, the dishes need washed and the ironing needs done, just as much as I am. Is he not a proper man or something? Have I inadvertently married another woman ?

@frillydress this is what l was going to write! Why should the OP do everything? I used to moan to my ex when he expected me to do 99% of stuff round the house but he didn’t want me to give up work. He never liked that idea . Not that l really wanted to

Call her out on her misandry. Of course men can do things women can do . Point out you have faith in the capability of your sons.

Thank you everyone for replies! Good to know I’m not alone at least however annoying it is.

She is nice, but we have very different views on this. I think she’s bored of hearing me say it’s unacceptable nowadays that women have to do so much more housework as well as carry most if not all of the mental load while men seem to get a round of applause for showing up. It’s a generational thing I guess, but highly irritating.

And thanks @AriettyHomily for spellcheck! I can’t seem to edit now either. How annoying! I basically haven’t slept right in 2 years and clearly my brain is addled 🥴

That is a depressing view; my mil was a stay at home mum and has the opinion that DH should do his fair share as fil never did and then even when the kids were older and she worked too he never has.
Unfortunately until I got a cleaner I never managed to share the load fairly; now that the majority of the cleaning is done the remaining jobs are fairly well shared but the only way I achieved that was by giving DH his jobs (bins, cat litter, mowing the lawn, doing dishwasher, washing his work stuff, cooking the nights he’s not working). He doesn’t notice the general stuff that needs doing until they really need doing and I don’t have the patience to wait or nag him.

Gosh, I can't imagine where DH learned those behaviours...

Well I think if you are a SAHP then you should do the lions share.
When it becomes an issue is if both parents work and only one does the household chores.
It is a generational thing. My fil did nothing and I mean nothing, and wasn’t expected to either.
My ex did a lot, but still not half.
My sons now do loads that wouldn’t have entered their dad’s head.

Like @user1493413286 - we have a cleaner and a clear demarcation of jobs (he does dishwasher, recycling, bins and lawn, I do laundry and bedding). However, there is still a lot of the mental load that falls to me (clothes buying, present buying, dressing up, drs appts). But the division of in house jobs works well enough to keep my frustration at a minimum.

The bar is only set low because people allow it to be

MIL was a SAHM when DH and BIL were young, then worked part time, but she and FIL very much split the work proportionally. She also brought up her sons to know how to run a house and to expect to do a fair share.

Also when BIL once quipped that he just couldn't do a certain job as well as SIL it was MIL who said to SIL, "That should be his job full time until he masters it, he clearly needs the practise". Much to BIL's chagrin

My DH and his DB were raised to pull their weight from an early age, the only typically housewife thing they struggle with is taking up trousers which they outsource much to MILs annoyance (in her opinion they should do it themselves), both of them do their fair share of housework and mental load stuff.

On the other hand my so called feminist mother who wouldn’t let me bake cakes as a child and complained to the school that I should not have to do any home economics type subjects never got my brother to do any housework just me. He is younger than a DH and my BIL so it’s not an age thing, it’s a family thing.

My grandfather who would be about 115 if he was still alive did his fair share of the housework, my his son my dad did nothing which my mum moaned about until they divorced, yet still raised my brother to think he didn’t have to do anything at home.

I love my MIL for teaching my DH housework is normal for everyone and I tell her this regularly - she thinks I’m mad and it’s nothing special just common sense. She is right but previous bfs and my brother suggest otherwise.

Agree with previous poster, the bar is set low because women accept it.

My dad was an amazing role model and raised me to be independent and have high standards.

My husband is not educated past GCSEs but he does run his own business, he has my back and has always supported me, even helping me revise when I was doing my degree. We share our child care and housework even though I'm useless at it.

We don't split jobs, we both work FT, who ever had time does the laundry and cooks dinner.

If the bathroom is dirty we just clean it
He's crap and remembering to do some stuff like bathing the kids, but Im crap at other stuff. I love cooking, he prefers washing up, but we still do both.

My boys are growing up seeing their parents both involved in the house and their lives and I do this for their future partners

My dh does more than his share of housework. We both work full time. No children. His mother taught him how to do things in the house and he lived alone before we met, in a clean nice flat which he kept tidy. Always a good clue when you're dating someone to see how clean their place is.

Is your dh that bad at time management at work as well or is it just things he deems unimportant that he can't seem to manage?

I do think she has a point about the 'fair' aspect of division. Most problems reported on MN seem to be about partners it doing their fair share.

For one, there seem to often an undermining view of the demands of a higher paid job, but even irregardless of this, there is lack of appreciation that 'fair' division can often be over time.

My father did less in the house as my siblings and I were growing up. It causes many arguments and really I'm quite surprised they are still together, but then my dad retired before my mum who worked PT and he then did everything. She retired herself but started to suffer from ill health. My dad now does 90% of everything, even my mum could really do a bit more.

My mum said some time ago that she wishes she could take back all the arguments and accusations because ultimately, she is amazed at how he gets on with things now. My dad said that it's not that he didn't want to then but his job was mentally consuming and he was always exhausted. He has much more energy now in his 70s.

Plenty of men of that generation did a fair share: it wasn’t the 1950s!

Wouldn’t discuss these matters with MiL at all: she and FiL clearly have sexist attitudes.

Your expectations of your H sound way, way too low. Sounds like he’s not doing a fair share. Martyring yourself and putting up with unfair division of responsibilities while on mat leave is a bad road to go down.

Would return to paid work when mat leave is over: being a SAHM with an H like this would be high risk.

I was born in the 70s my Mum worked a twilight shift so my Dad looked after all 3 of his children, cooked dinner, bathed us, brushed our hair ever so gently and put us to bed.

This carried on until the youngest of us started school and my Mum could get a day time job.

Dh was raised by a SAHM, she taught him all aspects of housework, FIL did nothing around the house and prided himself on never having changed a nappy.

You have a 4 month old child, your Dh should be doing as much as he can, you also have a 22 month old, your Dh should be doing as much as he can. If he were a single parent, he would be working, plus then looking after his children all the time he isn't working and doing all the housework in his home.

It is bollocks that men don't see mess, some men are just lazy fuckers.

I think equal downtime is the goal.

If one of us has a crazy schedule at work or one of us is doing a DIY project but the other can’t help then the other picks up more of the housework. We don’t have any set jobs just whatever needs doing.

Is someone is ‘wired’ a particular way, that’s because their parents wired them like that. I guess they can be rewired, with a lot of effort. But it might be easier to get a new model that’s already wired correctly.

When why can some (a lot of) men manage to do their share around the house perfectly well? Why did they used to say that women couldn't possibly work and vote etc, and men were the only ones who could work outside the home for a decent wage? What does she think is physically different about a man that he can't see dirt on the floor and hoover it up? You can argue and ask questions or smile and nod and bring your sons up differently. My husband does his fair share. Without prompting. His mum is really strong, always worked, and always expected everyone to help and his dad always does his share as well so not just a generational thing. It's an example / role model thing.

Also I agree with a poster above. I did all the tidying/ cleaning etc yesterday as my husband was laying a patio. He did more than me the rest of the week as I had a busy week at work and was catching up in the evenings. Doing set jobs doesnt always work so everyone needs to take responsibility and show initiative as to what needs doing

MIL is of the opinion that I need to stop complaining about ‘fair’ division of labour as it will never be split evenly because a man just naturally can’t do as much because they aren’t wired that way and I should just get on with it as I’ll just make everyone miserable (including children) expecting DH to do more.

I'd stop talking to her about it, or point out that he is as he is because he learned it at home…

Your primary job is children, your secondary is housework/maintenence. His primary job is his job, his secondary is housework/maintenance. Divide it up, and let him at it. And don't hover or worry about his time management, once he starts, that's it. And (as with homework and kids) the quicker it's done the earlier he gets free time.

My dad was very hands on and he was in the military when i was a kid in the 60s/70s. He cooked, cleaned, did the home-maintenance etc etc. I remember him taking us out for days in the woods or whatever to give my mum a break from us (or if she visited her parents/friends whatever) and i always think if he could do that as a fairly senior chap with regular exercises and stints in places like NI, then just about every other father can manage it too.

MIL is of the opinion that I need to stop complaining about ‘fair’ division of labour as it will never be split evenly because a man just naturally can’t do as much because they aren’t wired that way and I should just get on with it as I’ll just make everyone miserable (including children) expecting DH to do more.

What does she think single or gay men do?!