How to overcome social anxiety

[Henn42]

Has anyone had SA and managed to fix it without medication? I will consider medication if nothing works but in the past I have reacted very badly to even low doses of anti-depressants

Have you tried hypnotherapy?

What are your symptoms can I ask?

No not tried hypnotherapy. symptoms are I feel uneasy and can’t think of anything to say then feel awkward silences. I can’t relax myself. Even if I’m in the garden and neighbours are watching me I feel uneasy. It’s mostly going out I struggle with. I feel I have no friends and big part is I feel uneasy and obviously uncomfortable in social situations. It’s not in my head as mum friends have all asked me if I’m okay as my face must show my horror!

I’ve never told anyone in RL I have social anxiety but at one point or another people have questioned me if I have it sometimes outright ask me and sometimes subtly and I feel embarrassed so don’t meet up again, I don’t want to appear vulnerable and like a loser. One person in the past has said in exactly these words “oh babes you look really vulnerable like a small child lost all the time”

CBT might help. It has helped me to a degree - it doesn't stop the anxiety from happening but it's given me tools to deal with it / the situation.

Following with interest. What you said in your second part sounds EXACTLY like me, OP.

post*

Thank you all. I have tried CBT several times
now my current session the councellor ended after 2 sessions saying I would benefit from couples counselling as all problems I talk about are because of my husband according to her! I’m in waiting list for couples counselling so could be years.

Kote can you describe to me how you feel when you in social situations please do I can understand the condition better? Do u feel same with family or is it just friends?

I posted asking for help as I originally started this thread and it got me thinking if I can just deal with my SA then everything else will fall into place

Oops forgot the link:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3978899-Is-it-too-late-for-me-to-have-a-life-and-feel-close-to-others

I have no idea if this will be helpful or not but I used to have quite severe social anxiety. As a teen and young adult I would be petrified of speaking in a group, going to places where I wouldn’t be 100% sure I would have people I would consider ‘safe’ (people who I had eventually become comfortable with over a very long period of time). I used to worry about 1:1 conversation in case I couldn’t think of anything to say or I said the wrong thing. I would then overanalyse everything I had said and done after a social situation. Literally the only thing that has helped me is one simple thing - practise. I slowly started pushing myself to go Into more and more situations which I knew I would find hard but manageable to practise my skills. This took me years until I reached the point I’m at now, still sometimes a little nervous speaking to new people but willing to push myself to do so, confident that most people will probably like me (or at least not hate me!) I’ve just been invited to a meet up with a group of people I don’t know we’ll and no ‘safe people’ which is something I would have avoided completely before. I’m definitely going to go and enjoy myself. My biggest motivation was my daughter, I wanted to set a good example to her of how to be a confident ‘normal’ person in social situations.

The more I did it the more I realised it was nowhere near as bad as I thought and I could use the best experiences as reassurance when having to go into other social situations. I could think, I went to x or I did x and it wasn’t so bad. I can do this too

@Misscoffeecrazy3 thank you that helped! What do you do in 1:1 when the other person seems to go quiet or in groups when they talking to each other and I feel like I’m trying to get in the conversation also! Awkward moments lol

I still find silence really difficult it feels like it’s screaming at me sometimes! I try to have a bank of questions ready, small talk stuff, how are the kids? How’s x been finding lockdown? How’s work/your business? Are you going away anywhere this year? Etc. I then just refer back to my bank if there’s silence. It definitely reduces my anxiety knowing I have ammunition ready!

The group thing is super hard I think I’m still yet to crack that effectively! Just try your best to keep track of the convo and interject when you can with a simple comment that doesn’t require a load of explanation (and pressure). E.g discussion about holidays ‘yes we went there too we really enjoyed it’ or
‘Have you been to x?’ I find that asking questions makes other people feel like you’re interested in them and also means you pass back any pressure to make conversation to them!

Thank you all for your replies I’ve been doing a lot of research. Hopefully when kids settled I can do a bit more. Any other tips or stories of those who have overcome social anxiety or just shyness as I often call it?

Hi OP,
I had social anxiety very badly when I was younger, blushing used to be a real problem until I fixed it with thick makeup. What really helped me was just getting out there and talking to lots of people. Getting a job in a pub could help, or just get involved with local church, volunteer etc. There is nothing to be ashamed of in having SA and no one would look down on you because of it. I am open about it now.

I used to have really bad social anxiety. I would feel physically sick before going out, even if I was going to a place i knew, accompanied by trusted friends! If somebody spoke to me my throat would close up, I'd blush and stutter. If I did somehow manage to get into a conversation I'd be so awkward and nervous that people would just look at me with pity.

Exactly like @Misscoffeecrazy3 I just practiced, and forced myself to talk to people, and over time it became less scary and harrowing. When you are friendly, smiley and interested in people then people react better towards you, that in turn brings you confidence. It's like a constant feedback loop, so the better people react, the more comfortable you can be.

There's a book called The Charisma Myth that helped me, also How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's a bit old fashioned now, but basically be kind and interested in people, ask them questions about themselves, use their names in conversation.

It took years, but now i am OK with meeting new people, or being in places where I don't know anybody. People react well towards me, and it feels like a real, genuine connection, not fake or contrived. Some people 'just know' social skills and pick them up instantly. Others (like us!) need to learn and practice.

You can do this!

As a starting point, go to your local library and get books on the subject. There is a good book called 'Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life' by Steve Hayes (acceptance and commitment therapy). That book teaches that you can not want to do something but still do it.
Currently the 'function' of your social anxiety is to protect yourself from those unpleasant feelings. But if connected with the value of what talking to new people might bring into your life, you might be able to have some of those feelings AND also talk to someone new.
Because some things are more important than your feelings.You don't have to wait to get rid of the feelings first.

Alcohol before you go out.

I've suffered with social anxiety all my life, now nearly 50.

I got to 40 and decided to do something about it or would be alone for ever.

The only thing that worked for me was practice and doing things out off my comfort zone. It worked found things easier the more you do them but still feel very anxious.

Unfortunately you have to keep it up nearly 10 years later I feel I'm back to square one. I did meet my DP 4 years ago and I think I relie on him too much but he's same as me a loner and we have no friends but he's from a large family so have many occasions to go to.

In the last 2 years I lost both my parents, my relationship is struggling, we were living together due to Covid but he's now just staying here on his days off now, starting this week. In the last 5 days I've spoken to no one expect him.

Obviously Covid hasn't helped but made me feel even more alone. I don't feel you ever get over social anxiety, you just have to learn to live with it and work on it all the time, very easy to slip back into old ways.

A book that really helped me was

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.

Sorry I realised my post was too much about me, just having a bad time at moment.

I know the worst thing about social occasions is not thinking off things to say, your mind goes blank and you panic at awkward silences.

But I've learnt it takes 2 to talk and it's not my fault if conversation stalls.

I don't have kids so maybe you can talk about your kids, I try and steer conversation back to them.

Plus it's much harder at moment as can't talk about things I've done, not been anywhere.

What's helped me socially is getting involved in things where I have a job to do. If other people have to speak to me because of the job I'm doing, it's a lot easier.

It's also a lot easier if you have something you want to say, rather than simply trying to "make conversation" and make a good impression. So spot someone who's looking even more nervous than you and say something to them.