To ask for advice about ILs

[GoldStripes]

Apologies in advance because this will be long. This has affected me for years and I need to get it off my chest with someone who isn’t DH!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 2. In the beginning I tried so hard and made so much effort with his family, which was never really reciprocated. DH doesn’t get along well with some of his family either, but tries to keep the peace as going NC would result in him losing contact with his dad and his nephew, who he is very close to. He has discussed with me the possibility of going NC, but I don’t think he actually would.

MIL likes to be seen as a matriarch and is very opinionated (e.g. telling us what we MUST do in situations she knows nothing about, telling us it would be a ‘waste’ and she’d be disappointed if we choose not to have children etc). I find her quite intimidating, as she can be very confrontational and I am the opposite. I don’t tend to disagree with her publicly as it would just result in a huge row which neither me or DH wants.

FIL is more mellow but also opinionated and we have very differing views on things like Brexit. He also has some racist views which we have called him out on and tried to educate him, but he’s very set in his ways.

I’m reaching a point where I really, really dislike spending time with them. It sounds terrible but I’ve enjoyed lockdown because we haven’t had to see them much. We saw them properly for the first time last weekend - they got pissed and started ranting about how Covid is man made and they won’t be getting vaccinated against it etc etc.

DH struggles with it as he doesn’t really enjoy spending time with them either, but they’re his parents. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t think going NC is an option, and it would massively rock the boat if I were to refuse to see them.

Does anyone else really not get along with their in laws?? I come away from visits feeling emotionally and mentally drained and I need some kind of coping mechanism to deal with it.

* I’m reaching a point where I really, really dislike spending time with them. It sounds terrible but I’ve enjoyed lockdown because we haven’t had to see them much.*

You said you've no DC? And you don't like spending time with them, - so spend less time with them. Each time MIL gets opinionated & critical, and it becomes uncomfortable, say "Right it's time for me/us to go.."

She'll soon learn to keep her views to herself

Why do you have to go every time when DH meets up with them? I'd go less often and leave him to it (visiting them alone) sometimes if they drain you.

One of the benefits of lockdown is it has five distance from routines we got into and a chance to re evaluate who you enjoy in your life and who it's a relief not to have to see .

*given distance
Not five distance!

I see no reason as to why you need to visit them at all. Let your husband manage his relationship with his parents and you can stay home.

Another voice saying don’t visit. Your DH can go by himself. You can still sign the cards jointly and all that jazz if you don’t want to go NC but their primary interest is him, he’s their son, you don’t have to go with him.

Just go low contact. Dont go out of your way to see them. Just back off from them. You dont have to spend time with them if you dont want to.

I agree with don't go, but if you are planning children then maybe set the boundaries with them now?. When children are involved it's more complicated.

I hate spending time with my MIL and like you very intimidated by her. She's pushing the boundaries with my DD, again I'm trying to not be so scared of her and tell her no if I dont want her to do something with my Dd but she point blank ignores me anyway. Like I havent spoken. I'm working on it lol

I agree with the upping and offing as soon as they start saddling up, mounting, and galloping off into the sunset on their particular hobby horse.

I've had miraculous results with this with a particular family member.

Thanks all, I’ve already managed to cut down the amount of time I spend with them quite a bit but I may need to do it even further! I get the impression they’ve already noticed as we’ve had a few passive aggressive comments from MIL about how little they see of us. MIL is so confrontational that I honestly think at some point in the near future she will ask why we see very little of them.

We live in the same town and I’d say DH sees them a couple of times a month. I probably see them every other month at the moment. They do like to do a lot of ‘family’ gatherings with DH’s brother and sister and their partners, and I find it very difficult to turn these invites down as they expect us to be there, IYSWIM?

Also agree with sparticus - lockdown has made me realise that I’m much more affected by this than I first thought I was!

Goldstripes
Why don't you invite Siblings in law that you like around your place/garden or arrange to Meet up at theirs or out somewhere (picnic in park or for a coffee). Take PILs out of the equation when meeting up with rest of family. That's what you'd do to critical bullying friends, you'd avoid & gradually exclude them from plans.

DH can meet up with PILS as much as he wants to see them but you can just go 3 times a year and leave him to it rest of the time. You can build your own relationships with his brothers/sisters families if you want, Be warm and friendly with them! If anyone asks why they see you so little at PILs, your answer is to name the elephant in the room, that MIL makes you feel unwelcome and uncomfortable, so you prefer to be around positive people.

They do like to do a lot of ‘family’ gatherings with DH’s brother and sister and their partners, and I find it very difficult to turn these invites down as theyexpectus to be there, IYSWIM?

When these things happen, just be unavailable that day. It's your best friends birthday/cousins graduation/your uncles brothers cousins cats baby shower. Soz and all that but important plans have already been made.

You don't gave to go. Your DH can go if he wants but why spend time with people who make you miserable.

You see them every other month? Hardly loads. Just grin and ignore during your visit. Hardly worth falling out with them when u see them every other month

They do like to do a lot of ‘family’ gatherings with DH’s brother and sister and their partners, and I find it very difficult to turn these invites down as theyexpectus to be there, IYSWIM?

Either turn them down or go and stay for as short a time as you possibly can. TBH if you don't like them and your DH doesn't like them, why are you that worried about offending them? Surely that will slow down the number of invitations?

How old is his nephew? is it possible to see him and his parents without MIL & FIL?

You are not obligated to see these people. “I know it’s been SO busy, hasn’t it?” could be a good response. I would start having a few pre-existing commitments when these cheery invitations arrive.

I've posted before about the horrors of DHs family, maybe even with this username. I might be able to help.

You have to decide what you can and cannot live with. I lived with regular visits, cos hey! you can just grin and bear it. It's only an huor or so. But it really whittles away at your mental health. If you haven't experienced it it is really hard to explain, but it is probably the most dread full thing that can happen in a normal every day relationship.

I took it. Was stoic and put up with it, cos they were, as they so often reminded me 'family'. Until one day MIL asked me why I was looking so sour, family was a happy thing. I replied without thinking that it was fine if you were actually family, being the rank outsider was absolute hell. Then I got my coat and left. DH followed after about 15 minutes and we stopped going for Sunday lunch most weeks.

Don't let it get to where we did - BIL trying to punch me in the face, screaming I was not family, only a marry in, kicking out again when I pointed out his wife was the same. I was a kickboxercise instructor at the time, he ended up looking more foolish than usual!

Set your boundaries and help your DH set his own!

Sod them and anyone else who tries to guilt you into even occasional contact 'just because'.

It sounds as though you are both so fearful of having a confrontation that you are sacrificing your quality of life to avoid one.
Would it be so terrible if your mil was angry with you, or your partner?
Your mil has no right to the power she has over you both. Perhaps some CBT sessions would be useful.

Once every couple of months is 6 times a year. Not bad work. Stop allowing it to bleed into other areas of your life. If dh goes to see them more often, you need to tell him that as they are not going to change, you don't need a blow by blow account. In exchange you will continue your every other month with as much good grace as you can muster.

To answer a few remarks:

TBH if you don't like them and your DH doesn't like them, why are you that worried about offending them? Surely that will slow down the number of invitations?

Would it be so terrible if your mil was angry with you, or your partner?

Pretty much, yes, which is why we’re trying to avoid getting to that point. We try not to get involved in family drama and don’t particularly want to go NC, as I’ve explained in my OP. They are DH’s only family after all, and MIL can be a volatile and intimidating woman. I think she would try to make our lives hell if we fell out with them, hence why we try to see as little of them as possible and just keep the peace.

How old is his nephew? is it possible to see him and his parents without MIL & FIL?

He’s only 4 so not really at the moment.

Why don't you invite Siblings in law that you like around your place/garden or arrange to Meet up at theirs or out somewhere

SIL and BIL are very similar to PIL, so we wouldn’t normally socialise with them. DH feels very much an ‘odd one out’ in his family - he hates all the drama and has very different views to them. I feel so sorry for him as he’s trying his best in a really shit situation.

Thank you for all the advice, everyone. Lots to consider.

It is so fucking tough, I’ve never been in this situation before. I think I will try to cut down my own visits even more to maybe 3-4 times a year, and make more of an effort to leave quickly if things become heated or PILs start ranting.

I feel really sorry for DH too, who is trying his best to have some kind of relationship with them. Honestly, if it were down to me I would seriously consider going NC but I don’t think DH would do that, mainly because of his nephew. He has another niece/nephew on the way too.

Why does it have to be putting up with the IL's behaviour which you don't like or falling out and going NC? It takes two to communicate and it sounds as if you all need to learn how to communicate effectively so that you can get on even if you won't get on like a house on fire.

If you have very strong opposite views on some subjects, can't you just say so and ask not to get into a debate on them? Are there any subjects you do agree on that you can bond with them over?

If you have very strong opposite views on some subjects, can't you just say so and ask not to get into a debate on them?

We have tried this, many times. We have told them that we will never agree on issues like Brexit, race issues etc, and would rather not get into discussions about them. Then next time we see them it’s like they’ve completely forgotten and they’ll start ranting about refugees coming over here. It is exhausting.

If you have very strong opposite views on some subjects, can't you just say so and ask not to get into a debate on them? If I were talking to him I'd introduce you to my dad. It was utterly exhausting trying not to bite, get drawn into his current hobby horse. He could stand on his expounding plank for hours! We were expected to stand and look on in awe.

Tiresome and, eventually, sickening!

You realise there's a good chance the nephews/nieces will grow up to be quite similar to the rest of the family?

You need to practise neutral responses to things they say:

"Really, ok."
"I'll bear that in mind".
"That's interesting"
"I haven't given it much though, really"

etc.

There's just no point in getting in proper discussions with them.

Tbh, I'd be tempted to move further away and just avoid it all.

I come away from visits feeling emotionally and mentally drained and I need some kind of coping mechanism to deal with it.

I use alcohol with mine. Don’t see them often due to distance thank god, but whenever we do I crack a bottle open on arrival. I make DH do all the driving and basically numb my brain cells while there. Apparently they have called me an alcoholic.

When the kids were young I told them that the IL’s were senile and that’s why they said silly things (they are racist etc) so not to listen as it’s an unfortunate effect of old age when the mind can get sick. When they got older I told them I lied and they are just arseholes.

@GoldStripes

If you have very strong opposite views on some subjects, can't you just say so and ask not to get into a debate on them?

We have tried this, many times. We have told them that we will never agree on issues like Brexit, race issues etc, and would rather not get into discussions about them. Then next time we see them it’s like they’ve completely forgotten and they’ll start ranting about refugees coming over here. It is exhausting.

But you haven’t. In your OP you say you’ve tried to “educate” them. If one of our kids’ partners tried to “educate” us, it wouldn’t go down well either.