To ask for advice about ILs

[GoldStripes]

Apologies in advance because this will be long. This has affected me for years and I need to get it off my chest with someone who isn’t DH!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 2. In the beginning I tried so hard and made so much effort with his family, which was never really reciprocated. DH doesn’t get along well with some of his family either, but tries to keep the peace as going NC would result in him losing contact with his dad and his nephew, who he is very close to. He has discussed with me the possibility of going NC, but I don’t think he actually would.

MIL likes to be seen as a matriarch and is very opinionated (e.g. telling us what we MUST do in situations she knows nothing about, telling us it would be a ‘waste’ and she’d be disappointed if we choose not to have children etc). I find her quite intimidating, as she can be very confrontational and I am the opposite. I don’t tend to disagree with her publicly as it would just result in a huge row which neither me or DH wants.

FIL is more mellow but also opinionated and we have very differing views on things like Brexit. He also has some racist views which we have called him out on and tried to educate him, but he’s very set in his ways.

I’m reaching a point where I really, really dislike spending time with them. It sounds terrible but I’ve enjoyed lockdown because we haven’t had to see them much. We saw them properly for the first time last weekend - they got pissed and started ranting about how Covid is man made and they won’t be getting vaccinated against it etc etc.

DH struggles with it as he doesn’t really enjoy spending time with them either, but they’re his parents. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t think going NC is an option, and it would massively rock the boat if I were to refuse to see them.

Does anyone else really not get along with their in laws?? I come away from visits feeling emotionally and mentally drained and I need some kind of coping mechanism to deal with it.

You realise there's a good chance the nephews/nieces will grow up to be quite similar to the rest of the family?

Yes, sadly but while he is young DH wants a good relationship with him and I think he is hoping that he can give him a different perspective on life. Nephew is a really lovely boy and he loves DH.

I try my best with the neutral responses, but I really do struggle when they go on one of their racist rants. I always, always call out racist remarks, and it goes against everything I believe in to just let it slide. But they don’t listen and I can’t see them changing their ways. As curious said, it is exhausting trying not to bite.

I have sometimes had a good drink too hopping, although sometimes I think I’ll let my guard down and end up in a slanging match!

The more I read these responses, the more I do think it’ll all just come to a head one day and we’ll end up falling out for good. Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing, I would just feel awful for DH as he doesn’t have any other family.

But you haven’t. In your OP you say you’ve tried to “educate” them. If one of our kids’ partners tried to “educate” us, it wouldn’t go down well either.

I find it interesting that out of my entire post, this is what you’ve chosen to highlight. If by “educating” you mean calling them out when they say racist things, or refer to people as “coloured” then yes, we have. DH mostly, me rarely. As someone who gives a shit about racism, it feels like the right thing to do.

Then we realised how set in their ways they are, so we tried to suggest we just don’t discuss these issues. And that didn’t work either.

I always, always call out racist remarks, and it goes against everything I believe in to just let it slide

Stop doing it, you won’t change them. Just zone out and let them get on with it. You’re rising to the bait and giving them exactly what they want. I bet it stops if you let it go. I wouldn’t argue with Nigel Farage, it would be a completely futile exercise and he’d enjoy it way too much. This is the same.

I bet it stops if you let it go.

It doesn’t. As I explained in a PP.

Who cares if you have an argument? They might be his only family but if they’re awful is it really worth making yourself miserable to keep them onside? Your MIL might be “intimidating” but you and your DH are both grown adults. Might be time to read Toxic Families or Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward....

Thanks comtesse we have often discussed the whole ‘you can’t choose your family’ thing and DH really does feel like the odd one out. It’s difficult for me to say as I am close with my family and don’t have any personal experience of toxic family relations until now! I wouldn’t want to talk DH into something he’s not comfortable with when they are his family, not mine.

I will have a look at those books and maybe suggest them to DH as well.

@GoldStripes

I bet it stops if you let it go.

It doesn’t. As I explained in a PP.

This is quite exasperating. You’re contradicting yourself. You just said you always call them out and can’t let it slide. Which is it?

Loads of people don't like their ILs or parents, it's totally normal. Just have a glance down AIBU or Relationships - both are packed with people who don't like either or both.

And even people who like them often only see them every other month. People have busy lives, move away, have children, it's hard to arrange to meet up.

If you let DH organize his own meeting up with his family, instead of feeling guilty about it, would he do it so often? Or are you encouraging it so keep up his relationship with his Dad.

In terms of his nephew - 4 is the cute stage. As he gets older, he will be less cute and a lot more like his unpleasant rascist relatives. Also, if you are planning your own family, when DH has his own children, he will prob be a lot less interested in the nephew and massively more interested in his own children.

I'd send DH on his own, not feel bad if neither he or you are going v often, take a Grey Rock approach to the visits (practice before you go) and concentrate on living your own lives. If possible, far away.

also

Sorry if my posts aren’t clear to you. To clarify, DH has spent years going around in circles with them, calling out their racism, homophobia and everything else. I’ve backed him up on a few particular remarks that have been really awful. Then when we realised we weren’t getting anywhere, we stopped bothering.

And yes, they STILL continue ranting about refugees, immigrants, Brexit and god knows what else whenever we see them, without us bringing it up. We’ve actively tried to avoid these topics with them for the last couple of years. It’s as if they only have a few topics of conversation.

Genuinely hadn’t heard of grey rock before anna I will definitely try giving that a go next time I see them!

Thank you for the advice. I don’t actively encourage these visits, they invite us round/for meals/bbqs drinks every few weeks, and we don’t always go. And obviously, DH goes more than me. In fact, I can’t remember the last time that we took the initiative to arrange something with them.

From reading these posts it’s clear to me that I’m letting this get on top of me way too much and I just need to see them even less than I already do and practice being neutral/non responsive. I can and will do it!

It’s as if they only have a few topics of conversation.

They probably do only have a few topics of conversation. They like monologing as well. Time to do the washing up, play with nephew in the garden or just play on your phones if you can't actually leave?

My SIL told me she hid beer in her suitcase for occasions such as this at my ILs. We both managed by wandering off, looking blank, taking our laptops and cutting down visits A LOT.

I second the wandering off, getting an important call, needing the loo, needing a drink, abruptly changing the topic to some vacuous Hollywood nonsense, or asking them about a topic you know they will rant about for hours that you not as awful as the other topics. If you spin through each one of these options on each visit you might squeek through the whole thing without seeming too weird/like you have IBS etc.

Then play mental bingo with giving yourself a point every time you spot them doing or saying something on your bingo card (in fact bring DH in on the game and set up the stakes in the car on the way over. Then in the car on the way home share out the chocolate prizes according to how many items you each spotted)

You cant control what they say, feel or do. But you can control how you react to it. Try and make the changes in yourself so you can step back and just watch it rather than feeling emotionally involved. It is very hard though

This is quite exasperating. You’re contradicting yourself. You just said you always call them out and can’t let it slide. Which is it?

It's not really contradictory is it?

OP has tried a few different coping strategies and none of them make a blind bit of difference and she and her DH are reaching the end of their ability to cope!

If one of our kids’ partners tried to “educate” us, it wouldn’t go down well either. Do you have the kind of conversation, attitude OP describes? No?

All OP, and her DH need, is to be told that it is absolutely fine to be exasperated and to reduce contact with them just because they are family.

Some of us understand, unfortunately!

Oh yes, SIL and BIL play bingo too! In our case it's easier as DH isn't the only one who notices so we can share our 'isn't it awful' rants with his brother + wife.

I find counting up how often I visit helps too - if you see them every 2 months that's 6 times a year, which doesn't sound so bad.

If one of our kids’ partners tried to “educate” us, it wouldn’t go down well either.

Note the OP mentions her partner objects to his parents' views too and calls them out on it.

But if either seriously objected to your views on class, racism, sexism which you kept on going on about, you would ask your children and their partners to keep stum?

But if either seriously objected to your views on class, racism, sexism which you kept on going on about, you would ask your children and their partners to keep stum?

I didn’t say that. I said it wouldn’t go down well, which it wouldn’t. Fortunately it’s not an issue because I don’t hold objectionable views.

OP i think it may be a good idea to get your DH to make a list of pros and cons of keeping them in your life. You really really don't have to love your family. We're very low contact with a whole load of our brexit voting racist family and none of us seem to care enough to want to change that. it is what it is.

It really is worth working out exactly why you'd want to have them in your life. The nephew probably wouldn't be enough for me, given the rest of it.