Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should say thank you for cleaning?

46 replies

Thinkimdone · 25/07/2020 21:31

Not only does he never say thank you, or even 'oh the bathroom looks nice' but if I do something extra, wash the walls /sort a messy area he refuses to acknowledge it as in his eyes it 'should never have got messy in the first place'. In fact if he does say something it's mean.
This has been brought about by today. I've scrubbed kitchen top to bottom whilst he was at work, and sorted out our children, walked the dog, done the food shop including his parents. He came in and all he mentioned was the over flowing recycling box, one of the very few things around the house he does.
It's not even the lack of thanks, rather that he always has to say something critical. I don't think I can live like this anymore but it seems like a flimsy reason to end my marriage. Aibu to think This is enough?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2020 21:33

YANBU. I could never be married to someone who doesn't respect or appreciate me. Life is too short for this misery.

Bitchinkitchen · 25/07/2020 21:34

I wouldn't thank my husband for cleaning the house, and he wouldn't thank me - we both live here, it's not something we're doing "for" each other, it's just a thing that needs to be done!

I think you're being a bit weird here OP. If you want to leave him, leave him, but be honest about why rather than getting aggy cos he doesn't thank you for keeping your own living space tidy.

MovingtoCardiff · 25/07/2020 21:35

YANBU.

Although, why are you washing the walls? Is this something we are all meant to do??

Scrumptiousbears · 25/07/2020 21:36

I always say something looks nice if he's tidied or cleaned or thank you if he does the ironing. He mostly cooks and I always thank him and say it was lovely. He on the other hand doesn't even notice I've done anything. It posses me off no end. I've had it out with him but he denies it.

isabellerossignol · 25/07/2020 21:36

I don't think he should have to say thank you. But the flip side of that is that I think he should be cleaning and tidying himself.

KickingItSince1966 · 25/07/2020 21:39

My DH and I often thank each other for housework, and cooking. We both work and share things out as fairly as we can, and we each really appreciate the efforts the others put in. We have 2 small kids, so a sparkling and immaculate kitchen or bathroom is short lived, but a joy to see while it lasts.
Some mutual appreciation goes a long way I think.
Your DH sounds quite mean.
Has he always been like this, or has lockdown bought out a different side to him?

Original poster
Thinkimdone · 25/07/2020 21:41

He doesn't clean anything. He will pick up after himself but that's it. He never vacumes or washes up, he doesn't cook or sort the kitchen after he does nothing because he doesn't think he makes a mess. Fuck knows who he thinks does the washing. If I've done a big load and have it in baskets he won't even empty them, at best he will tip it out where it is and get the item he needs. I probably am unreasonable to expect him to thank me but it hurts when the only think he mentions is a criticism.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2020 21:41

I think a happy marriage is in large part about pleases and thank yous. We both say thank you for cleaning, tidying and cooking. Why wouldn’t you? I’m grateful my husband cares about our shared home and keeping it nice for us and our children, he feels the same way. We say so. Everyone feels appreciated.

PlanDeRaccordement · 25/07/2020 21:42

I was going to YABU because cleaning is just a chore so requiring gratitude is unreasonable.

However, that’s not the problem. The problem is your DH is doing nothing. He naively thinks things don’t get dirty from just normal dust and grime. You write essentially that he criticises the cleaning you do and sneers about it having to be done. So YANBU at all. He needs to start doing his share and not constantly tear you down.

Original poster
Thinkimdone · 25/07/2020 21:53

@MovingtoCardiff we rent and every wall is painted white. With small children the walls don't stay white for long. He thinks they shouldn't touch the wall/have dirty hands.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/07/2020 22:01

Even if you don't go in for Thank Yous, it's nice to at least notice or show appreciation.

Your husband does none of that and you're clearly there as a skivvy.

I wouldn't put up with that

strawberry2017 · 25/07/2020 22:01

I understand this, I gutted our bedroom today. Literally everything was clean, sorted. Organised you name it I did it.
I then got told I'd taken the piss because it had taken me 4 hours and it shouldn't take that long.
He apologised eventually but I'm still fuming.
I watched the kids all morning whilst he slept. Then spent the afternoon cleaning our bedroom.
Likewise he does no cleaning!

(For medical reasons I've struggled to get things done well since last year so this was a deep clean to get things back on track)

Freddiefox · 25/07/2020 22:10

@strawberry2017

I understand this, I gutted our bedroom today. Literally everything was clean, sorted. Organised you name it I did it. I then got told I'd taken the piss because it had taken me 4 hours and it shouldn't take that long. He apologised eventually but I'm still fuming. I watched the kids all morning whilst he slept. Then spent the afternoon cleaning our bedroom. Likewise he does no cleaning!

(For medical reasons I've struggled to get things done well since last year so this was a deep clean to get things back on track)

Why, why do you put up with this? He’s your partner? Your not his paid employer, so he slept this morning, and then you cleaned all afternoon, and then you got moaned at for your efforts. Why are you putting up with this?
pokehuman · 25/07/2020 22:19

@Thinkimdone

Not only does he never say thank you, or even 'oh the bathroom looks nice' but if I do something extra, wash the walls /sort a messy area he refuses to acknowledge it as in his eyes it 'should never have got messy in the first place'. In fact if he does say something it's mean. This has been brought about by today. I've scrubbed kitchen top to bottom whilst he was at work, and sorted out our children, walked the dog, done the food shop including his parents. He came in and all he mentioned was the over flowing recycling box, one of the very few things around the house he does. It's not even the lack of thanks, rather that he always has to say something critical. I don't think I can live like this anymore but it seems like a flimsy reason to end my marriage. Aibu to think This is enough?
He won’t notice the hard work you’ve done, unless you stop and he sees the mess/dirt. Just stop for a bit (if you can stand it!)
LinManWellWellWell · 25/07/2020 22:21

I think it’s one thing to not say thank you, but it’s another to not say thank you AND criticise the thing he thinks you’ve missed! Isn’t the old saying that you should say 3 positive things for every negative? I bet he’s not doing that. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and unappreciated and I 100% think it’s enough of a reason to reconsider your future unless he’s willing to make some changes.

Shizzlestix · 25/07/2020 22:22

I don’t understand why you would continue to do anything for him. His attitude would give me the ick. I certainly couldn’t see him in a respectful way or want anything to do with him in bed.

OneStepAheadOfTheToddler · 25/07/2020 22:29

I don't think your DH should say thank you to you for cleaning. I think he should do his fair share of the cleaning instead.

Raimona · 25/07/2020 22:31

He is BU to whinge about the recycling. You do 10 things and he whinges because you haven’t done 11... it’s toxic. You are BU to expect thanks for working when he is also working though.

BackforGood · 25/07/2020 22:33

What Bitchinkitchen said.

Today, dh did a pile of washing up that had been building up. I didn't thank him. I stripped the bed and did a couple of loads of washing. He didn't thank me. We are both adults, cracking on with what needs to be done. Sometimes, if one of us does something 'over and above', or cooks something particularly tasty, we would compliment each other on it.
I'm lucky enough to be able to work PT - as such, I do more than 1/2 of the household stuff. I don't expect daily thanks for that, any more than I thank dh for earning money more days a week than I do.

In fact if he does say something it's mean.

This ^ OTOH is a completely different issue.

OneStepAheadOfTheToddler · 25/07/2020 22:33

DH was a bit put out yesterday because we were packing to go on holiday and all his clothes were shoved in the bottom of his wardrobe. That's because he never bothers to fold them and I'm not doing it for him. He implied that it was my fault they were in such a mess and he couldn't find anything. I told him where to shove it and that, if he ever said that to me again, the only place his clothes would be going was straight in the bin.

strawberry2017 · 25/07/2020 22:34

@Freddiefox I honestly don't know anymore.
I'm struggling with a lot of things in my marriage at the moment I'm just not sure what the final straw will be.

okiedokieme · 25/07/2020 22:34

It depends, if you both work outside the home and normally share cleaning duties then thanking the other for doing the chores is fair enough, whereas if you are a sahp then it's kind of part of the deal. A "bathroom looks great" is nice but not thanks exactly

FabbyChix · 25/07/2020 22:41

Men don’t say that shit. Don’t do stuff if your only doing it to get praise. It never works.

winterisstillcoming · 25/07/2020 22:50

Unfortunately housework is a thankless task generally, and it's very easy to take each other for granted. I do find myself muttering 'you'd thank a cleaner, and bloody pay her as well'

I'd expect to be appreciated if I put in more effort/work than my DH overall.

Do you thank him for his contributions to the family?

We've started thanking each other more as we can see the children taking things for granted so it's good for them to see it. Nothing formal but practising and showing gratitude really improves relationships.

Freddiefox · 25/07/2020 22:57

@strawberry2017

I’m really sorry to hear that, and sorry if I was harsh, but read your post back. Why are you justifying your house being a less than pristine? You clearly have a medical condition. Your dh should be helping out, or if he’s can’t for whatever reason then he clearly shouldn’t be having a go at you for doing it and taking too long.
What was his problem? That he had to watch his own children? Poor little diddums.

All I can say, is I was in a similar place and I left mine, and whilst there have been ups and downs, my own mental health and improved so much. I’m more confident, my self esteem is better, and I care about myself much more.

I had a lot of resentment towards my ex when we were together because he made me feel worthless, and somehow everything was my fault and it chipped away.