To think dh should say thank you for cleaning?

[Thinkimdone]

Not only does he never say thank you, or even 'oh the bathroom looks nice' but if I do something extra, wash the walls /sort a messy area he refuses to acknowledge it as in his eyes it 'should never have got messy in the first place'. In fact if he does say something it's mean.
This has been brought about by today. I've scrubbed kitchen top to bottom whilst he was at work, and sorted out our children, walked the dog, done the food shop including his parents. He came in and all he mentioned was the over flowing recycling box, one of the very few things around the house he does.
It's not even the lack of thanks, rather that he always has to say something critical. I don't think I can live like this anymore but it seems like a flimsy reason to end my marriage. Aibu to think This is enough?

Why do you do it all? Are you a SAHM who agreed that this meant you should do 99% of the housework too? Or do you work FT as well and he's a misogynistic prick?

If you are a SAHP then consider getting a job and pay for a cleaner from family money. You don't feel respected, so if you plan to stay with him you need to change your role and the power-balance.

Do you thank him for going to work? It's a partnership that needs working at. You need to ge a team.

@Thinkimdone

He doesn't clean anything. He will pick up after himself but that's it. He never vacumes or washes up, he doesn't cook or sort the kitchen after he does nothing because he doesn't think he makes a mess. Fuck knows who he thinks does the washing. If I've done a big load and have it in baskets he won't even empty them, at best he will tip it out where it is and get the item he needs. I probably am unreasonable to expect him to thank me but it hurts when the only think he mentions is a criticism.

Sorted.

You no longer do his washing.

Try it. Then have the come to Jesus conversation.

Men don’t say that shit

Oh ffs. Yes they do. Decent men absolutely do. The standards some women put up with are pitiful.

Who made him the judge. He sounds like a dick.
Is he critical of other things you do? It isn't easy to keep the house clean with small DC and an adult size child.
Have you told him his criticism upsets you? If he is not willing to change you only have one choice.

The issue here isn’t the fact he hasn’t said thank you, and you know that.

I would never thank my husband for cleaning, I'm a sahp and do the majority of it, wouldn't expect him to thank me either. I think thats weird as fuck.

But, my top tip for washing the walls down is get a microfiber window squeegee things, takes seconds

I often feel that I do more than the lions share around the house. I still think there's an imbalance, but, Jesus. If I did all of that, DH would say thank you. He'd be impressed. He'd be happy to have a cleaner home. He's not an animal. It very much sounds like your husband considers himself to be a kept pet, and pets don't say thank you for their cages being cleaned. Is that really what he wants to be viewed as? Is that how out of touch with humanity he is?

Assuming you've tried telling him how you feel, I could only suggest not doing it any more. With a view to being very blunt when he gets grumpy about the mess. If you don't feel this would be possible, then it seems you have some deeper thinking to do. This isn't healthy for you, for him, or most importantly for the DC, short or long term.

He is treading on thin ice. My husband does notice things, and I notice things he does, it's just nice to do it.

@TheCanyon how can it be weird ‘as fuck’ to thank your partner for cleaning? Or anything for that matter?

I don’t thank my husband for every little thing he cleans but if someone takes on a slightly bigger job and tackles something we would both always say ‘looks great, thank you’ or show some basic appreciation. And it’s bloody genuine because we could each take the ‘it’s not my job, I’m tired’ approach. We thank each other every night for cooking each other dinner. I don’t see how any task around the house is just one persons job so I just think appreciation goes a long way. Plus it’s a nice thing to model for the kids, if you have them. How can they learn to feel grateful for what is done for them if their own parents don’t?

Like you said OP not only doesn’t your partner show any appreciation but he is critical. I would be having a serious conversation and making it clear what it’s doing do the marriage..

@MovingtoCardiff I do! White walls and kids are not a good mix 😂

Yanbu. This is a big thing for me. In our home DH does almost all of the cooking for which the kids and I always say thanks.
I do the vast majority of the cleaning which is kind of routine/unseen as its not something you can exactly present. So why is one task worthy of thanks and not the other?
The OP's DH works and gets paid for it. People dont get paid for cleaning up their family's shit - that's why a word or two of thanks is nice and shows some respect and appreciation.

Being treated like you don't matter and aren't good enough is never a "flimsy reason".

[quote MayfliesX]@TheCanyon how can it be weird ‘as fuck’ to thank your partner for cleaning? Or anything for that matter?

I don’t thank my husband for every little thing he cleans but if someone takes on a slightly bigger job and tackles something we would both always say ‘looks great, thank you’ or show some basic appreciation. And it’s bloody genuine because we could each take the ‘it’s not my job, I’m tired’ approach. We thank each other every night for cooking each other dinner. I don’t see how any task around the house is just one persons job so I just think appreciation goes a long way. Plus it’s a nice thing to model for the kids, if you have them. How can they learn to feel grateful for what is done for them if their own parents don’t?

Like you said OP not only doesn’t your partner show any appreciation but he is critical. I would be having a serious conversation and making it clear what it’s doing do the marriage..[/quote]
Because we're both adults, it's both our responsibility. MN is full of such bullshit, next I'll be expected to thank my dh for wiping his own arse.

He doesn't have to say thank you he could offer a positive acknowledgement of your work without giving you a passive aggressive kick.
We often say thank you or great job at least.
OP life is short don't put up with this.

Housework is thankless, but that definitely does not mean you should tolerate not being thanked!

OP, sounds like you are married to a selfish prick.

Life is too short.
Couldn't live with someone who didn't appreciate me.

I make sure my husband knows I appreciate him.

It's part of the fundamentals of making a relationship work.

Appreciation of your other.

I wouldnt expect my OH to say thank you for cleaning the house I would expect him to be doing it too.

I hope that you don’t clean up after him or do his laundry.

@Thinkimdone

He doesn't clean anything. He will pick up after himself but that's it. He never vacumes or washes up, he doesn't cook or sort the kitchen after he does nothing because he doesn't think he makes a mess. Fuck knows who he thinks does the washing. If I've done a big load and have it in baskets he won't even empty them, at best he will tip it out where it is and get the item he needs. I probably am unreasonable to expect him to thank me but it hurts when the only think he mentions is a criticism.

I'd divorce him for the basic thing alone. Rummaging would annoy me but tipping it put on the floor to retrieve an item and then leaving it in tbe floor for his maid to clean up... 😡 Oh and you're the maid in that scenario.

I agree he doesn't need to come in and say thank you Think for washing up and drying up and putting away and sweeping and emptying the dustpan and putting the food away etc. But I think a thank you fo the exceptional items ie cleaning walls is appropriate. Also I don't need DH to thank me every time I wash up a cup because I know I'm generally appreciated, which you're not. He'll thank me for a nice dinner, or tidying up a load of accumulated clutter, but he also vacuums the stairs, washed up more than me and doesn bedtime

It seems like there are two real issues, which are being masked by the thank you point.

1. He does nothing
2. The only feedback he gives is criticism.

You need to deal with both of these things. There will be people who don’t understand how utterly demoralising point 2 is: but I do - over time it becomes soul destroying. I managed to deal with it by having an honest and open conversation, and my DP worked very hard to change (it was a learned behaviour from childhood). If you have tried to explain this and he doesn’t care or won’t try to change then he’s a prick. Overtime this sort of thing will honestly eat away at you and ruin your self esteem. On the workload, again you need an honest discussion and if he won’t change stop doing anything for him. I think thank yous for cleaning are complex - generally I would expect it if either party has gone above and beyond the usual (like you have today) but not for just emptying a dishwasher - but I don’t think that’s the real issue for you here.