to hope you will be braver than I was and report current abuse in gymnastics

[edpen]

Am I being unreasonable to hope that you will all be braver than I was and report the abuse in gymnastics that I was too scared to?
I speak to you as an ex-gymnastics parent and one that now has to carry a lot of guilt about what I allowed to happen to my children in gymnastics. Much of what happened I didn’t know about, but deep down the stuff I did know about felt wrong. Sadly, what happens in many gyms is simply child abuse and I hate to tell you that it can have life-long debilitating effects. My 18-year-old daughter for example, recently had a PTSD flashback to something that happened when she was about 10. It came out of the blue and was absolutely terrifying.

Children often start gym really young so the culture sort of creeps up on you. Somehow, despite initial misgivings, we are convinced by the coach we trust and that our child might even appear to love, that their brand of tough coaching is what’s needed to succeed. The truth is that it isn’t. Good coaching develops the mind and body and builds children up, not knocks them down.

If you are a gym parent, of any discipline, ask yourself if you recognise any of these behaviors? Is there shouting? Name calling? Fat shaming? Are they angry when children are sick or injured? Are children scared to tell coaches if they are in pain? Are children punished for making mistakes like given extra conditioning? Are children often in tears? Are the children scared at all? Are they overstretched, or overtrained? Are they disbelieved when they say they’re in pain? Does it seem like the coach is playing mind games? Are the children or adults nervous to speak freely?

My list could go on and one, ultimately ask yourself this…is there anything happening to your children or to others that wouldn’t be allowed in school or that sometimes makes you wince? If your answer is ‘yes’ there is something wrong.

It shouldn’t be like this and doesn’t have to be like this. I also know that it can feel scary to report especially if your kids love their gym. But you need to act now for them and for others if only to let people know there is a wider problem in BG. While I did eventually report it was long after I should have done. Thankfully now there is a safer way. Please call the new British Athlete Commission/NSPCC hotline. The number is confidential and has nothing to do with BG so it can’t be traced back to you. Even if you are not sure if what’s going on is abuse, call them and the trained staff will offer support and guidance.

TEL: 0800 056 0566 8am-10pm on weekdays and 9am-6pm on weekends

britishathletes.org/2020/07/20/bac-and-nspcc-launch-helpline/

I understand what you are saying, but why is this in AIBU? Are you willing or prepared for people to tell you they think you're wrong? Because you seem very passionate about it. Perhaps this should have been posted in Child's Mental Health?

I pretty sure that there are people who will think I am wrong in that they believe that what they see as tough coaching is necessary for success and that their kids seem ok with it. Many people won't realise the impact that it could having and won't think of it as abuse or a potential mental health issue. I was probably one of those people, I didn't like it but the culture is normalised that you grow to accept it and look down your nose at people who 'don't understand'. It was hard to know where to put it.

Guilt can make you passionate, and I am intensely aware that I am asking people to do what I should have done, but didn't do (for several years) and many people might find that unreasonable

My daughter was quite a driven gymnast but not elite. Comments made by her gym coaches at the age of 8/9/10 were discussed during her the rap sessions when she was an inpatient in an eating disorder unit at 16 years old with a BMI under 13.

My son competed in a martial art, he was at England squad level. Was not believed when he sustained a shoulder injury in a competition and was sent out to fight for the bronze medal - the shoulder injury and subsequent contest saw him out of the sport but also in pain during his gcses exams for six months.

As a parent you believe the coaches to be the experts and trust that they have the welfare of your child at heart...

@HostessTrolley Sadly it can happen in any sport and at any level of sport. Gymnastics is a particularly problem because of the young age of elite athletes and that effect drips down. I hope your kids are ok now x

@edpen much better now thank you x Daughter now 19 and at medical school but does still struggle with eating from time to time - no longer a gymnast. Son no longer in the same martial art but enjoys a similar one that’s not an Olympic sport that doesn’t seem to have the same amount of politics and pressure

Hi op. Ex elite gymnast parent here. I recognise so much in what you have written.

The culture of fear we ALL lived under really seems shocking looking back. I feel so guilty...despite never being 'that' pushy parent. The frankly unhinged behaviour of her coach was shocking with hindsight.

Dd very happy and healthy nowadays thanks god.

When my dd finally plucked up the courage to say she'd had enough (following a period of severe illness and hospitalisation), her despicable coach would not even let her back through the door to say thank you and goodbye to her team mates. Completely shunned her after years of training and dedication. She was a CHILD ffs.

@Nordstrom so so horrible but so common. Angry, narcissistic coaches who must control every aspect of the children's lives. It is like leaving a religious cult - a crime for which you must be punished.
Please consider calling the helpline as it may help children still being coached by this person and gives the BAC/NSPCC some idea of the scope of the problem

Swimming is sadly no different, they also take children on at a very young age. Everything you say in your opening post is my experience of swimming.

@Regulus

Swimming is sadly no different, they also take children on at a very young age. Everything you say in your opening post is my experience of swimming.

Yes, happens in all sports and swimming (my sport as a child) is no exception. Did you report the abuse or do you know anyone who did? And if so did anything happen?

Reported to the Safeguarding officer who was also a coach and made to feel I was being precious. Was quickly ostracised by the other parents and we withdrew. Like a pp wasn't even allowed to go in and say goodbye. Looking back I should have taken it further.

Thank you for posting this. I took my kids out of competition sports for similar reasons that you describe. I felt a lot of pressure to conform, and was also ostracized by other families when we left.
Very occasionally I feel guilty that my kids didn't reach their potential because I was too soft.
I am glad you posted in aibu because it gets more traffic.
A spotlight does need to be shone on these abuses.

Not related to gymnastics, but 3 girls I went to school with were all very good ballet dancers, and went on to ballet school after finishing secondary school. All 3 of them became anorexic in their late teens\early adulthood and I've always wondered if it was related to the pressures of the ballet culture.

I don’t think you can generalise - two of my dc took part in elite sport and had great coaches. At secondary they had a coaching team so were not coached by one coach on their own, which might make a difference.

@KatieB55 I think it exists in all sports but some sports are, for many reasons, worse that others. My child is currently high-achieving athlete with demanding coaches but I have never seen any abusive or even negative behaviour. That said however, I know from talking to experts in the field that they are out there. I had a great experience of swimming but others have suffered terribly. When it comes to competitive gymnastics abusive coaches are very common.

my two youngest daughters are elite gymnasts my youngest aged 15 has gone to multiple international competitions include junior world championships. They are pushed hard at gym they are stretched till they cry and conditioned till they can’t walk but they absolutely love it and thrill of being able to do something no one else in there school can do.
They train at a large gym but thankfully has an amazing set of coaches that although are tough but are really supportive and do generally care about the girls.

They have attended gym camps in Bulgaria and Romania and I’m shocked to hear they way are treated over there. They way they were spoken too Was horrendous my daughter trained on a fracture back because the coaches didn’t believe she was in pain. They trained 12 hours a day with one 30min break and two 10min breaks.

And worst case of all they were slapped and pinched when they went wrong. Plus it was viewed as an acceptable way to coach

But my point being is the abuse happens everywhere and its about time people report it my girls were powerless and the coaches who presented the abuse spoke very little English it became impossible to report there needs to be more support for those gymnasts

@Gymgirl0 very happy to hear your girls are doing so well and are enjoying their sport. Witnessing that abuse must have been awful. Sometimes witnessing abuse is just as traumatising as experiencing it directly. You are lucky though, I wish I could tell you that the sort of abuse they saw Bulgaria and Romania doesn't happen here but unfortunately it does. Overt physical abuse might not be as widespread but it does happen, I know several children who have been slapped and pinched, one of them by a national squad coach sent by from Lilleshall! Then you have the emotional abuse that is so hard to identify but equally destructive. The only real difference I see btw the old Eastern Bloc and China etc is that they are more open and honest about how they treat child gymnasts . Did you hear the report on radio 5 Live the other day? It starts with a horrific account from a gymnast but the most sickening bit is the dismissive statement from her coach www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000l6x7

@Gobolino80 yes, I hear dance is really bad as well - hopefully some will be inspired by the gymnasts speaking out and call for change as well. Abuse isn't necessary for success.

I was a highboard diver at a similar age and once you hit puberty in a swimming costume/leotard it's awful. Some coaches were supportive and some called me fat and worked me harder. It's so hard as a girl going through that stage of life and some coaches in my sport were charged with sexual offences, luckily I had nice coaches but it was rife.

@moostermum yes, lots of girls reporting similar difficulties. Often they are so underweight and worked so had that they don't menstruate at all. If they do they're not allowed to wear shorts in training. Puberty is HARD on all athletes - we don't need to make it harder.

@Ashdownstar

Thank you for posting this. I took my kids out of competition sports for similar reasons that you describe. I felt a lot of pressure to conform, and was also ostracized by other families when we left. Very occasionally I feel guilty that my kids didn't reach their potential because I was too soft. I am glad you posted in aibu because it gets more traffic. A spotlight does need to be shone on these abuses.

You were not too soft. You were being a responsible and vigilant parent who put the welfare of their child first, above what a professional would tell you.

My mum did pull me out at 10 when I came home with a strict diet sheet

Wow. This sounds awful. I have 2 children competing in gymnastics and so far I haven't seen anything awry.

I try to keep lines of communication open and be vigilant, but so far so good.

They are under no pressure from us parents to keep going. They do seem to have genuine respect for their coaches (not fear) and seem to love it.

That's awful. But sadly very common.
Not all gyms and coaches are like that, and it's completely against BG's good practice. You should definitely report that it happened, even if you stay completely anonymous.
Too many people think this is ok, or doesn't happen, and it's vital more people share their experience.
I hope all is ok with your niece now.