Why do women get blamed for DH lack of relationship with his family?

[Pisces3211]

This is really annoying me now that people still believe the women is responsible for her husband’s lack of relationship with his family. Haven’t we got enough to do on our never ending list of to-do’s. Aren’t men capable of remembering when their sisters’ birthdays are or milestones birthdays of nieces/nephews? Why does the wife get blamed if husband can’t be bothered to see his family. I cannot believe we have a huge proportion of scared little men who are too scared to see their families as their wives have forbidden it. Stop blaming the wife and directly speak to your son/brother about why he’s being distant to you.

Sorry for the rant! But why am I always getting blamed husband didn’t call sister on her birthday? This what I feel like saying to MIL but I never will - “for fxxk sake didn’t they grow up together? Did he only find out the actual date his sister was born WHEN he married me? Am I your Fucxxxg son’s walking talking calendar?”

Wife work and sexism, pure and simple. I also get angry messages from my aunt for not sending my (male) cousins birthday cards, despite them having NEVER sent me a card.

Because some people believe having a penis prevents you from being able to remember birthdays or make arrangements to meet up with people.

I'd say that to your in laws, maybe omit the swearing if that would help.

Because it is our role to be their personal diary. My DH remembers birthdays on both sides and happily buys presents for those and at Christmas. However he is terrible at texting his mum back and I have stopped reminding him.

Because patriarchy

Because sexism

I actually think you should say that to your MIL, possibly without the swearing and see what she says.
Might make her think.

Its not your job or your fault your husband didnt remember. And it is inreasonable of people to think it is. I was pretty stubborn about this. I have a hreat relationship with my in laws. They are part of my family. They are some of my children's closest relatives. But its up to dh to sort their gifts, cards and plan to meet up.

Because everything is women's fault.

Sorry about my language I don’t usually swear but I’m so annoyed! I haven’t got the confidence to call her out on anything as she will just twist whatever I’m saying. She’s done this in the past. I’ve learnt not to say anything when she’s having a rant

That's never happened to me. No one has ever tried to made a man's family duty failings my fault. Maybe I have one of those faces that it's clear I'd laugh at them. Or the fact I'm crap at sending cards to my own family. 😁

That aside, what do you say back to them? How often have they laid the blame on you? That should have been nipped in the bud the first time. He's supposed a capable adult, and I'd be blaming them for failing to make him one.

YANBU My MIL messages me to remind DH that it's his dad's/sister's/brother's birthday. Quite minor but really annoys me as I'm not his PA.

It's just sexism
Tell her you're not his secretary

Just say "It's a shame you weren't able to bring your son up to be thoughtful. Thank you for the example and I will ensure I parent my child properly" and let her blow up.

But then, I'm a twat.

It’s not minor MashedPotatoBrainz

Get your mum to message and remind him it’s someone on your side’s birthday, see how he likes it.

Next time MIL does it simply reply “you need to talk to DH”. Do it consistently and eventually hopefully she’ll get the message.

I absolutely would send her that text.

Read your up date. Doesn't sound like she actually thinks it's your fault, more that she likes making digs at you and this is another in a long line.

You need some stock phrases: "I know, I can't understand how he didn't learn this growing up" or "you know how stubborn/disorganise/immature he is, I've no idea where he gets it from". Then wander off sniggering to yourself as she tries to work out if you insulted her deliberately or not.

It’s always snide little remarks they make. Silly little things. It’s very passive aggressive remarks. I just wish they would openly say what they want to do I could answer openly too

@MashedPotatoBrainz that’s annoying. You should ask her to directly message him but say as you don’t often check your phone!

@Thingsdogetbetter fantastic phrases thank you!

I get this a lot. My DH forgot his parents anniversary. My MIL turned to me and said 'why didn't you remember for him?'. My MIL also tells me about DHs family birthdays and expects me to send the card as if he couldn't possibly remember himself.

I was discussing this sort of thing with DH the other day after he mentioned Prince Harry being 'manipulated' by Megan Markle to move to Canada. I moved country to be with DH and I left my family to be near his. I asked him if he manipulated me. He said he didnt think he did. I dont think he did either as we made the decision together, but it's always assumed women are responsible for men's decisions about their contact with family. Nobody would accuse my DH of manipulating me to move countries. My MIL even said 3 weeks before our wedding that she didnt like me as I was 'taking her son away'. We moved 40 mins down the road! She sees him every week. It's always on the women, never the men.

Can’t you just tell mil that you’ve agreed to sort your own family birthday cards etc out
You do your parents siblings and whoever. He does his

I agree - used to annoy me too when I was married

My MIL does this too and it's incredibly annoying. She always uses me as the middle man and DH's secretary. I have never engaged in it. I either just ignore her messages or forward them directly to my husband as they quite clearly has got nothing to do with me. If he wants me to deal with it he'll have to start paying me for it as I'm not working for free.

Because some wives are enablers. My dh has always done his own birthday/christmas shopping for his family, even though the gifts are from both of us, and I do my side of the family. I don't remind him because I know he holds down a job in management and can use a calendar/diary so he doesn't actually need help from me.

I’d chuck it back at her. Did she not raise him well enough to know when important dates are and to not always rely on a women.

I'd say that your DH clearly wasn't brought up to respect such things.

Make it HER fault. Which it is.