Why do women get blamed for DH lack of relationship with his family?

[Pisces3211]

This is really annoying me now that people still believe the women is responsible for her husband’s lack of relationship with his family. Haven’t we got enough to do on our never ending list of to-do’s. Aren’t men capable of remembering when their sisters’ birthdays are or milestones birthdays of nieces/nephews? Why does the wife get blamed if husband can’t be bothered to see his family. I cannot believe we have a huge proportion of scared little men who are too scared to see their families as their wives have forbidden it. Stop blaming the wife and directly speak to your son/brother about why he’s being distant to you.

20 years ago I got in trouble with ex husband's mother, because her birthday was the day after my son was born after an emergency cesarean (premature). She was very miffed at not getting a card. The fact that husband is now an ex has a lot to do with his awful family.
Funnily enough he sees even less of them since we divorced.

DH organises all his families birthday and Christmas presents, calls them frequently, send photos of the kids etc.

And yet somehow, I am still blamed by them for us not visiting more frequently!

@Pisces3211

Sorry for the rant! But why am I always getting blamed husband didn’t call sister on her birthday? This what I feel like saying to MIL but I never will - “for fxxk sake didn’t they grow up together? Did he only find out the actual date his sister was born WHEN he married me? Am I your Fucxxxg son’s walking talking calendar?”

Why not say that? Without the swearing maybe! But the sentiment is perfectly reasonable to share.

Your rant literally made me laugh out loud😂
YADNBU

Some men bounce from one mother figure to another. My DM was well aware of how lovely SIL was to her, she knew every gift she got was bought by SIL not Dbro. She would never blame SIL on his sporadic visits.

I hate this too OP. Unfortunately DPs family won't ever say anything to my face, but I know fine well it's mentioned behind the scenes and I'm judged for it.

Emotional labour. Always the woman's bloody responsibility apparently!

My dB never remembers mine or my dcs birthdays - nor does his long term partner. I don't blame her I blame him (in my head). But if I forget their's and don't send presents /cards I'd get a message letting me know I've forgotten. Double standards. Yanbu I'm like you though and find I'll quietly blame dB but don't think anything positive would come of saying anything.

That would piss me off OP. I would be tempted to tell MIL that her DS is a grown man and is responsible for gifts for his family, not you. If he fails to send a gift that's on him, not you.

My DH does all birthday and christmas presents for his family, and I do mine. We occasionally seek each others advice for the parent of the opposite sex to us.

DH picks lovely thoughtful gifts for his granny and Mum and they always assume I chose it! It annoys him as he's put all the work in and although he gets a thank you I get all the credit.

I get the why did you not Remind him to send a card, why does he not call me..... my response is 'i dont know, ask him' I'm also to blame for why they dont see him as much as they used to. when we explain it's due to cost of fuel (his parents don't drive so he always has to do the 2 hour round trip) Its then my fault I made him live so far away (house is in the middle of both our families and an area we can afford) 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just ask her who bought birthday cards for DH's sister before he married you and why can't they carry on doing it?

@itchyfinger

Wife work and sexism, pure and simple. I also get angry messages from my aunt for not sending my (male) cousins birthday cards, despite them having NEVER sent me a card.

At this I'd simply say, "Really? I sent him the same card he got me for my birthday!"

@enchantedspleen

Emotional labour. Always the woman's bloody responsibility apparently!

Yep exactly this, it's nothing to do with men not being able to remember stuff, it's laziness.

I get this!

MIL will tell me it is so and so's birthday coming up I just say, thanks, i'll mention it to DH. Just refer it back to him...oh dear he missed their birthday, maybe remind him next time...that kind of thing perhaps...it is frustrating and annoying.

I don;t have it in my own family, would not expect Dh to remember my brother's birthday etc so not sure why they seem to think I should remember his own family's. he seemed to manage it before i came along. His mother is quite old fashioned I think as she will tell me dates and even advise me what to get!

I told my mil that her son never remembers their birthdays EVER. I know it was unkind but she is an old bag, and I was tired of him getting away with it.

My DH sorts his own family out and I sort mine. Well, it's kind of a joint venture really. We'll be in the supermarket doing our monthly shop together and one will say, "Right. It's July. Who's July?" And we'll pick up the relevant cards for whoever's family member's birthday is next.

MIL has on occasion tried to dump wifework on me but I direct her politely towards DH. She stopped that nonsense quite some time ago. Same with SIL.

I'll give MIL her credit, despite doing EVERY SINGLE THING for DH growing up and as a grown ass man (she used to get his shoes out ready for work, his breakfast bowl and spoon out for him and his clothes were washed, dried and ironed by the time he got home from work the following day at 26 YEARS OLD!), she managed to raise a fully self sufficient man (except cooking. That's my area alone) He does just as much at home as I do and is an amazing bloke.

OP, redirect your MIL to her son when she starts on at you for missing birthdays etc. "Oh really? You might want to tell DH. I don't think he knows"
"I'm sorry, you've texted my number, not DH's. Whoops!"
"DSIL's birthday coming up? Oh I wouldn't know. I've been busy sorting out MY DSis's birthday stuff. You might want to give DH a head's up then huh?"

Stop talking to your MIL if she rants and you or is abusive. Who needs that in their life ?

Let your Dh deal with her in future.

My PILs used to only message/call me and would never call DH even if he was right next to me. They would ask me to pass on messages to him or ask him something. I have a good relationship with them but sometimes it would get too much. I made a family WhatsApp group for my PILs, myself and DH and asked them to post there. It's been much better since