To tell my mum to cancel her visit to see us?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

My mum lives abroad, and she left me a voicemail at 7am this morning (me and my 2 kids weren't even up!) to say she can now book flights to visit, and can I let her know when in August I'm free.

By the time we got up, I did breakfasts etc and I hadn't even listened to it - then by 10am she messaged to say she's booked 9th-16th August. This is hugely inconvenient for me, for the following reasons:

• on 10th August, 4yo DS is going to exH's while I take DD (8, also ExH's child) to a theme park overnight visit. The reason being that before lockdown we'd booked the trip just the two of us as she had been feeling pushed out, DS is quite demanding and so I promised her a girl's trip away. ExH is taking DS to a football stadium.
• when DD and I check our the hotel on the 11th I'm driving her straight to exH's house so to spend the week there. He has them for 2 separate weeks in the summer and honestly this is my time to enjoy on my own. My furlough at work has been extended and I've really been looking forward to alone time, reading books, watching Netflix, getting my hair done etc in this week.
• I'm on flexible furlough meaning my work can ask me to work if need be. The kids are at ex's next week and I'm down to work some hours. Meaning the week my mum is meant to be here will be the only proper time off from work and kids I get this summer.
• my mum and I have a strained relationship, it's not easy going, being in her company is hard work and she's hyper critical. She comes over maybe once a year, the kids don't really know her. It's so stressful, she always makes a song and dance about "oh I'll help out and give you a break" but I ended up cooking all the meals, picking up after the ridiculous amount of luggage she brings, micro managing her (it's things like she won't open the blinds in the morning in case I "get mad" about it - which is ridiculous, she sits in the dark from about 5.30am with no TV on as she is basically a serial martyr).

I've spoken to DD and she doesn't want my mum coming away on the theme park trip with us (I'd have to fork out extra for a bigger room anyway) - she doesn't really know her to be fair and has been looking forward to spending one on one time with me. ExH is self employed and can't rearrange the dates we've already agreed. He also loves 2 hours away so it's not like we could pop over to see them.

WIBU to tell her to rearrange the dates or tell her to stay elsewhere? She's paid €130 for return flights (and no I can't afford to give her the money for this)?

Yanbu. She shouldn’t have booked tickets without speaking to you first.

She should have waited for your reply before booking flights. Just tell her sorry but you are away for some of the time, you are looking forward to much needed alone time with your child during this week and it isn't convenient. However you would be delighted to see her x week instead

Yanbu she knew she should have checked the dates, which is why she called you, it's not your fault she was too impatient to wait for an answer

Yanbu. Definitely tell her to rearrange or stay elsewhere!

How about something breezy but firm like "I'm afraid that's not going to work. We're away a chunk of the time and it doesn't work with regard to work obligations." No need to explain any further

NBU at all! I would be seriously hacked off about this.

YANBU she shouldn’t have booked before hearing from you. Please tell her you can’t do those dates - don’t let her guilt you into complying. You’ve got a lovely break planned and you deserve to enjoy it.

Stay firm. Who unearth does that?

on earth

You can and should tell her not to come. You won’t be there for part of it and then you want some time to chill, totally understandable given lockdown with dc is hard work! Don’t let her dictate when she comes to YOUR house!

YANBU, obviously. You don't book flights without having confirmed the dates! This is probably all part of her 'act' though I'm guessing, so that if you say no you'll be the unreasonable one?

Don't get drawn in to drama. Simple message: 'I wish you hadn't booked before I got back to you because those dates don't work for me. The x to the y of August would be fine, if that's good for you?' When she moans that she's booked, just repeat.

My sibling did this to our parents and told me “I’ve booked for us all to come over to stay with DPs as a surprise for x week in the summer hols”

Bloody selfish as our DPs are elderly, ill and can’t cope with visitors for a whole day, let alone 2 adults and 2 teenagers who expect to be waited on hand and foot. They’ve both got bad hearts and don’t cope well with surprises (neurological problems).

I text back, “oh dear. you can come over if you like obviously we can’t stop you but no one will be here. Mum and Dad are on holiday for a fortnight. What a shame, you will lose all that money for flights and also have to fork out for a hotel.”

As it was within 48 hours they were able to rebook for a later date.

Tell her no immediately. Tell her you'll be away through most of it, with long standing plans, it's been coordinated with your ex-H, and you won't be changing the plans. And no, she can't come, too.

Stand firm.

She should have asked you before she booked or ensured her flights were changeable. All on her. Don't offer to reimburse her and don't entertain a request to do so.

I'd message back. "Oh nice, where have you booked to stay? Hopefully I'll get to see you for a day or 2 as I'm away until the 15th"

And if she does still come find a B and B to stay in somewhere lovely for a few days

Say no, and don’t explain why. I’m trying to get better at this, I always give full reasons whenever I say no to something and it just creates opportunities for people to argue their preferred way.

Tell her it doesn’t suit you, she didn’t give you chance to check when did.

Say no, say you already have plans to go away and have work commitments (she doesn't need to know you're home!). It's extremely unreasonable to book tickets without getting confirmation first.

I’d phone her and tell her those days aren’t convenient as you already have plans and she should have been more patient and awaited your reply.

Just tell her exactly what you’ve said on here. Sits her own fault really for not checking with you first. You can’t just invite yourself over (even if it’s to your dc house) without asking.

@IntermittentParps

YANBU, obviously. You don't book flights without having confirmed the dates! This is probably all part of her 'act' though I'm guessing, so that if you say no you'll be the unreasonable one?

Don't get drawn in to drama. Simple message: 'I wish you hadn't booked before I got back to you because those dates don't work for me. The x to the y of August would be fine, if that's good for you?' When she moans that she's booked, just repeat.

Yes this. ^^. My word if she's this pushy and she's not even in your home yet think what she'll be like once she's there. She really doesn't seem to have an idea that other people have their own lives and commitments. Who on Earth contacts someone at 7am for a non-emergency then presents them with a fait accompli just 3 hours later?

Be prompt in your response, OP. Also very clear and firm - that does not mean going into a long explanation for why this is an inconvenience to you - highlights only.

If necessary write down a couple of bullet points containing what you want to say (I find this useful to stay focused) and just repeat till she gets the message.

Good luck! 🌹

Yanbu but tell her sooner rather than later

@netflixismysidehustle

Yanbu but tell her sooner rather than later

This. Some airlines let you make free changes if it's done within 24 hours of booking. And definitely stand your ground, she should have got the go ahead from you first before jumping the gun!

Don't tell her you're planning a quiet week to yourself though or she'll not see that as a good enough reason to stay away. You're going to be very busy/away for most of that week, aren't you op?!

YANBU I so hate it when people think "Oh they are doing nothing special, I will just turn up". It's also the reason why MIL sat on our sofa for 3 whole days by herself - because she turned up and we were working (why wouldn't we be?!)

Tell her she should have waited and suggest some alternative dates.

Get in touch straight away to say it doesn't work, she can change her flight to whatever date you suggest. If she moans, you're telling her earlier enough that she's not out of money or can have too much arranging done. If she does lose money changing dates, her own fault.

"I'm sorry mum, you can't come that week. We're away for part of it and the DC will be with their dad anyway. Please don't book flights without talking to me first as while we're happy to have you, we need to agree which week will work before you commit to specific dates. If you want to come at another time please let me know and we can discuss dates".

I wouldn't say the dc are away all the time she may just say spend time with you... just say that's a crap week as stuff booked not about