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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New weird bf??

48 replies

Wibblewobble12 · 24/07/2020 08:18

My friend has a new bf she's been seeing a few weeks. She's said he doesn't like her smoking or drinking.
Anyway, last night I'd come to her house for a few drinks. She said she wasn't seeing him until today as he was working until 8pm them again at 8am today. And that he'd left at 2pm to go to work. He lives in a town 40 miles away.
I was quite surprised as was my friend when at 9pm he just randomly turned up in the garden!
I've never met him before. Anyway, a part of me felt he was jealous she was drinking with a friend, doesn't like people drinking and decided to show up to check in and not necessarily to see her.
It bugged me because I didn't actually get to spend time with my friend, as I also live in another town.
AIBU to think he came to check up on her rather than to see her because he missed her kind of thing??

OP posts:

UnfinishedSymphon · 24/07/2020 08:21

He'd be an ex boyfriend by now if he'd told me what I could and couldn't do

Standrewsschool · 24/07/2020 08:27

If he asked her not to smoke when He was around, I think that’s fair enough. Also, if he said he wasn’t keen on binge drinking, that’s fair enough.

However, to forbid her to have a drink with friends is controlling.

Did he visit because he was keen to see her, or was he checking up on her?

Must admit, your title alone, ‘new weird bf’ was a red flag. Something about him has put you off guard. There’s nothing you can do at this stage, but be aware of any controlling tendencies.

Daisychains20 · 24/07/2020 08:28

What did your friend say when he turned up? Did she continue to drink?

Does he not drink at all?
Alcohol problem in the past? But that doesn’t explain the smoking.
I would not be having anyone tell me what to do!

Grobagsforever · 24/07/2020 08:33

Very weird behaviour, is your friend able to take care of herself?

Original poster

Wibblewobble12 · 24/07/2020 08:34

I just thought it was odd that she said she wasn't seeing him until today as he was working until 8pm last night. And again at 8am this morning, and as he lives 40 miles away it was unexpected to see him randomly turn up.
My friend didn't even know he was coming!
The thing is my friend smokes but the last time she drank was on holiday a year ago! So we don't often arrange time to have drinks because we don't drink much. But we made a little BBQ and had a few drinks. Nothing wild.
I felt like he wanted to check me out and also check up on her!
Why would you travel 40 miles after a shift only to say hi and have a chat then go home again. And also not pre warn the person you're on your way, just show up?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 24/07/2020 08:40

Loads of red flags already. Is your friend lacking in self esteem? Are you saying anything to her about it?

thenightsky · 24/07/2020 08:40

I had an ex that did things like that. Note - he's an ex.
Turned up regularly at my nights out with mates, despite him being a two hour drive away. Twat.

Sexnotgender · 24/07/2020 08:42

He sounds like a controlling nightmare. She needs to bin him fast.

Original poster

Wibblewobble12 · 24/07/2020 08:48

I didn't say anything about it. My friend is really bubbly and chatty. Tbh I felt like unless I made conversation it was an awkward silence with him.
I just felt awkward because we were in the middle of a conversation about womanly things, sex etc etc and not things you talk about around men, then he just came round the side of the house and I wondered if he'd been stood listening too. And he didn't even say hi to me, he went straight for her and hugged her and kissed her then I said oh hello I'm so and so. I got the impression he marched straight to her as if to say she's my property?? I hope this makes sense and I'm not over reacting. It just wasn't how you usually introduce yourself to your partner's friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wibblewobble12 · 24/07/2020 08:50

Also I'm not a possessive friend or jealous. I have a husband and I've not actually seen my friend for a few months. We don't talk every day so it's not me being jealous she has a bf.

OP posts:

Daisychains20 · 24/07/2020 08:50

Doesn’t sound good! Hopefully she bins him fast!

labyrinthloafer · 24/07/2020 08:51

I'd maybe ask her how it's going. It does sound odd, tbh. Fine to turn up after checking, rude to turn up unannounced.

Fedup21 · 24/07/2020 08:54

Sounds very odd. His long did he stay?

Hiccupiscal · 24/07/2020 08:58

Red flags all over.
I had a ex like this and he turned out to be wildly abusive.
Keep an eye on your friend, please.

pictish · 24/07/2020 09:02

I imagine your instinct on this one serves you well. My alarm bells would be ringing too. How did she react to him turning up?

GotOutOfBedOnTheWrongSide · 24/07/2020 09:05

He sounds very possessive to be honest. Hopefully she will come to realise that herself.

How did she react when he turned up? Did she look embarrassed? If she's finding it embarrassing then she will know it's wrong already. Hopefully she will get rid!

GreyishDays · 24/07/2020 09:07

Did she say anything about it after he’d gone ?

GinDrinker00 · 24/07/2020 09:09

He sounds like the guy off the Netflix programme YOU.
Tell her to run for the hills. It’ll only get worse.

Original poster

Wibblewobble12 · 24/07/2020 09:09

Well he came round the side of the house to the garden, then after hugging her and me saying hi, he went into the house to take his bike gear off, and then she was whispering to me, oh didn't expect that I feel a bit tipsy too, hope he didn't hear our conversation!
He stayed until I went to bed! As I was staying over in the spare room as drinking so couldn't drive home.
I just felt like we couldn't have a proper conversation because he was hugging her most the time, he wasn't drinking but he kept saying things like oh you sound like a broken record etc and basically I just got the impression he was coming to snoop.

Anyway glad I'm not being paranoid about this one!

OP posts:

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 24/07/2020 09:10

My SIL has given up friends because her husband is controlling, she now doesn’t bother to have any.
Last incident was when he knocked on door of her friend who she was visiting to tell her to get home, she refused , so he then climbed over back fence and started banging on patio door.
But she continues to put up with it.

pictish · 24/07/2020 09:14

Seriously if this was my friend...like a good friend for whom I genuinely cared, I’d be thinking of broaching it.
I’m not saying you should OP, there are only a small handful of friends I would risk this with.

Fedup21 · 24/07/2020 09:19

Are you still there now?

I’d say something. Just like-‘goodness, it was a surprise to see X last night, wasn’t it?! Fancy driving 40 minutes over here without telling you-it felt like he was coming to check we weren’t up to no good? Let’s hope he doesn’t do that every time we get together!’

Sexnotgender · 24/07/2020 09:26

@Fedup21

Are you still there now?

This.

You need to be gentle on this but plant seeds that allow her to see this shit behaviour for herself.

Livpool · 24/07/2020 09:30

He sounds weird and controlling

2beautifulbabs · 24/07/2020 09:33

The bloke sounds like a right creep and defiantly jealous.
Your friend needs to be careful hopefully with a bit of help from you and any other family or friends that happen to meet this bloke will tell her the same there's something not right and to end it before he ends up destroying her and her friendships.

He was also rude to you by saying you sounded like a broken record what did your friend say to him when he was so disrespectful to you? It sounds like he's testing how far he can push to control your friend

Also op from what you've said about this bloke I believe you i would be feeling the same vibes too just be careful how you word it to your friend because people like him have a twisted way of turning it all back on you to damage your friendship and isolate your friend even more

I really hope she comes to her senses and gets rid of this jerk before it's too late

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