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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New weird bf??

48 replies

Wibblewobble12 · 24/07/2020 08:18

My friend has a new bf she's been seeing a few weeks. She's said he doesn't like her smoking or drinking.
Anyway, last night I'd come to her house for a few drinks. She said she wasn't seeing him until today as he was working until 8pm them again at 8am today. And that he'd left at 2pm to go to work. He lives in a town 40 miles away.
I was quite surprised as was my friend when at 9pm he just randomly turned up in the garden!
I've never met him before. Anyway, a part of me felt he was jealous she was drinking with a friend, doesn't like people drinking and decided to show up to check in and not necessarily to see her.
It bugged me because I didn't actually get to spend time with my friend, as I also live in another town.
AIBU to think he came to check up on her rather than to see her because he missed her kind of thing??

OP posts:

HerBigChance · 24/07/2020 09:35

Ugh. A long-ago ex of mine used to do things like this (usually on nights out with my friends) or he'd randomly turn up at my workplace and 'not understand' that that wasn't okay. We broke up for a number of reasons, but that was one of them for me.

Definitely a red flag. He's checking up.

BilboBercow · 24/07/2020 09:35

I'd say something to her op, word it carefully, ask if she thinks it's a bit strange he appeared out of the blue. Keep it casual but just say something like you're concerned that might be a bit of a red flag. Ask if she feels like she's changing the way she does things around him.

CokeEnStock · 24/07/2020 09:35

I had a friend who met a guy via OLD, and he was exactly like this. They'd been together for a few weeks and he was nagging her about everything. He gave her the silent treatment after getting tipsy one night. I told of my concerns and that she shouldn't rush in to anything. She told him I didn't like him and I literally have not seen her since. I had to let it go in the end, though I still worry about her. She's still with him but none of our circle of friends have seen her.

pinkyredrose · 24/07/2020 09:40

He's a twat and it'll get worse. She's your friend, please do her a favour and be honest. He sounds fucking controlling.

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/07/2020 10:00

What's her dating history like? Does she have a track record with twats? Does she tend to get over-involved with boyfriends? Cos this one sounds as though he's got her lined up to turn into 'Perfect Girlfriend MK1' or something. He may not like her smoking and drinking but he doesn't get to forbid her from doing it...

And what's next? Forbidding her from wearing make up or talking to men and then no talking to old friends...

BrummyMum1 · 24/07/2020 10:00

Why don’t you arrange another meet up soon on the basis you didn’t get to have a proper girlie catch up as he was there. Then if he shows up again be very frank with her that his behaviour is odd and controlling. If you criticise him after this one instance then she might push you away.

VenusTiger · 24/07/2020 10:02

@Wibblewobble12 do you know if he knew your friend was having company? I'd be straight with her, tell her he clearly doesn't trust her, turning up so quietly like he did, as though he was sneaking around or overhearing (like she suggested), I think that's creepy! It's not like he knocked on her gate or rang her - it's sneaky - he also then sat holding her like a child? that's weird.
Sorry, but I'd just tell her that he comes across as either controlling, or he doesn't trust her. Setup another date with your friend when he's at work and go from there.

MzHz · 24/07/2020 10:06

My friend is really bubbly and chatty.

Not for long sadly.

She’s in trouble, this isn’t healthy at all.

Maduixa · 24/07/2020 10:15

It bugged me because I didn't actually get to spend time with my friend, as I also live in another town.

I felt like he wanted to check me out and also check up on her!

I was going to say it was odd of him to come so far without any communication - if she'd been visiting you or the two of you had gone out, it would have been a wasted trip for him. But it sounds like he KNEW she was entertaining at home and he wasn't invited? If so, it was straight-up rude for him to show up - and worse, to stay endlessly. But she also could/should have tactfully asked him to leave. Is she possibly being excessively accommodating (to him) because the relationship is so new?

If she doesn't normally have problems setting boundaries, I'd guess the issue of his telling her what to do (whilst apparently doing whatever he wants himself) will become unpleasant for her. It's only been a few weeks; she may just be giving him a chance, or seeing how things go for a bit. Did she say anything about finding his behaviour odd or annoying?

The "broken record" part - not sure if he said that about/to her, you, or both, but it's ridiculously rude. It would have been a perfect opportunity for her to tell him that the two of you were catching up, the focus was not on him (especially as he gatecrashed), and it was time for him to leave and spare himself further pain. He sounds like a child, a manipulator, or (best case scenario) a "socially awkward" person. But apparently she likes SOMETHING about him.

Original poster

Wibblewobble12 · 24/07/2020 10:33

Yes he knew I was coming over as we had this planned a while. He said she sounded like a broken record because we were a bit tipsy and laughing and talking about the same old stores from the past, and she was seemingly oblivious when he was rubbing his head saying "You've said that already, you're sounding like a broken record" And she just laughed.
She hasn't had a boyfriend for a while. I'll maybe do what was suggested and arrange another meet soon!

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 24/07/2020 10:36

That's weird and very controlling. As others have said I'd be gently letting her know without judgement that his behaviour is raising red flags.

thepeopleversuswork · 24/07/2020 10:37

And this:

"He said she sounded like a broken record because we were a bit tipsy and laughing and talking about the same old stores from the past, and she was seemingly oblivious when he was rubbing his head saying "You've said that already, you're sounding like a broken record"

Is particularly shit. He's putting her down and trying to make her insecure about stuff she does with her girlfriends.

pictish · 24/07/2020 10:38

Yes he does sound bloody awful.
How long has she been seeing him?

rainbowstardrops · 24/07/2020 11:31

Do you think he turned up unannounced to check that she actually had a girlfriend coming round and not another man???

Whatever his reasons, if someone acted like that with me after just a few weeks of seeing them then they'd be sent packing! He sounds weird

blubberball · 24/07/2020 11:43

Just, no. I hope she sees the light soon.

Chocoholic12 · 24/07/2020 14:39

She needs to get rid of that one. Weirdo.

Merryoldgoat · 24/07/2020 15:04

Has she asked you what you thought of him yet?

blubberball · 28/07/2020 11:44

I wonder how it's going? Hope everything's OK.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/07/2020 12:04

@Wibblewobble12

Yes he knew I was coming over as we had this planned a while. He said she sounded like a broken record because we were a bit tipsy and laughing and talking about the same old stores from the past, and she was seemingly oblivious when he was rubbing his head saying "You've said that already, you're sounding like a broken record" And she just laughed. She hasn't had a boyfriend for a while. I'll maybe do what was suggested and arrange another meet soon!

jeez, that sounds awful. Definitely possessive and controlling and belittling, I hope for your friends sake it doesn't last long

LemonPeonies · 28/07/2020 12:13

Very controlling. My ex used to do things like this it was exhausting. A few PP's have given good advice on how to gently approach it with her.

Burnthurst187 · 28/07/2020 12:19

I'd love to have seen your face when he turned up

BumbleBeee69 · 28/07/2020 12:26

he's a creep and controlling

Motoko · 28/07/2020 13:24

Oh god, I hope she dumps him soon, but if she hasn't had a BF for a while, she might not want to end things.

Poor woman, she's got a world of pain ahead of her if she stays with him. It's going to be hard for you too OP, as he will stop her from speaking to you (you'll be a bad influence without her best interests at heart, according to him).

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