Living with messy parents

[rhia22]

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and am living with my parents and 14 year old sister as my baby was a huge surprise which I wasn't prepared for! We've always been a little bit messy and it was quite bearable before I moved out for uni but since I've been back it's beyond a joke! They are so messy it's like living with two teenagers. Both work full time which I can appreciate but everyone does and manages to have a clean and tidy home! If I bring it up I'm made to feel bad that I don't do more around the house despite always cleaning up after myself and after everyone else most of the time but I am so tired with the pregnancy I struggle to find the energy to! I am so scared for when my baby is here because I know that I will be pushed over the edge if I have to pick my fathers 3 pairs of shoes off the living room floor when I've got a newborn or have to clean pans from the tea two days previous!!!! What advice do people have? I've been telling them I need a clean space when the baby arrives and I know they might be able to do it for a day or two but I won't be able to tidy up after them all the time when he's here!

well, as you are in their house then there's not much you can do. Just keep your own space clean and tidy but apart from that you'll have to suck it up until you are in a position to get your own place.

How does your sister feel about it? If she is unhappy with the mess I think you are in a stronger position because she’s still a child and has no choice about living there. But if she doesn’t care I don’t think you can do anything except try to move out. The examples you give are not ideal but it doesn’t sound like a huge health and safety hazard.

I think I’d take a dim view if my 31-year-old child moved into my house and moaned about it tbh.

I am 22, and I suppose yeah it's their house yous are right. Maybe i'll just have to suck it up!! I just genuinely panic about it and it effects my mood so much, even when I do stuff nobody carries on and it builds up again just hours later! I didn't feel so much like this the few months I was here before the pregnancy so maybe it's just my hormones and will feel better! We just have such a nice home and it's such a shame nobody treats anything with any respect and we have to be embarrassed to have people round etc

Sorry, I just realised I misread 31 weeks pregnant for aged 31! If you’re younger and just graduated I have a lot more sympathy.

Maybe once the baby is born your family will want to make more of an effort...

@fairlygoodmother i hope so! i know it bothers my mum and she would prefer a tidy home but she works a lot and uses that as an excuse!

It's difficult if you're living in someone else's house, you can't really force them to do anything. How much rent are you paying?

i suppose i don't want to force anyone, i think it's more than I would hope everyone wants to live in a nice environment! Was living here as a temporary measure when I graduated and started a new job but I got pregnant with the coil fitted so ended up in this situation.

How much rent and food costs etc do you pay?

It's their house. Perhaps they're not thrilled that they'll be sharing it with a baby but you seem to have taken it for granted that you'll be welcomed back. When you're paying your way in your own home, you can keep it as tidy as you like.

I guess this is why people traditionally wait until they’ve moved out and set up their own house before having children.

Since you’re doing it the modern way then I think you just have to put up with your parents keeping their house how they like it. They shouldn’t accommodate your wants too much or you’ll get comfortable and stay long term!

Do you work OP? And apart from picking up shoes off the floor what else do you do to contribute to the household chores?

Op. I would suggest that you ask if you can deduct £40 from the rent you are paying your parents to put towards a weekly cleaner.

I know it's 'mess' not 'filth' but you will find that people will 'have a tidy' because the cleaner is coming. it sounds like your parents are working hard so they might appreciate a bit of help.

Where's the baby's father?

What are your long term plans on accommodation for you and the baby?

If living with them is just a short term thing, you'll just have to put up with it.

If it's long term then it's up to you to keep your child's living environment clean and safe and if your parents don't do this then I'm afraid it will be on your shoulders to sort it out.

Working a lot is a reason not an excuse. Maybe you could put some money towards a cleaner. As much as they want to support you they probably weren't planning to have a little baby around at this stage in their lives. They have probably been through poorer times when you were younger and this is now their chance to earn as much as possible to keep them going in retirement. Is the problem that they have too much stuff or people don't tidy up after themselves? Sometimes having appropriate storage can help so maybe a shoe rack by the door. Having robust pans and a good dishwasher can tackle the kitchen issues. Look around the house and think about things which can tackle each individual issue and then discuss it with your parents. Ultimately though you are an adult and it is up to you to decide whether to stay there or try to find alternative accommodation.

I’d suggest working with your mum and sister to actually reorganize the house before the baby arrives. Nudge the situation such that the easiest way to be is incidentally tidy, and you’ll see longer term success and the development of good habits. People are messy because it’s easier than being tidy, you just need to switch it around. Congratulations on the upcoming baby

I’d suggest working with your mum and sister and father

Am I reading this right? It’s your parent's house and you don’t like how they keep it? Not your place to pass comment.

If, you are living in their house, you need to put up with it or tidy the house yourself.

Thanks for everyone's input just wondered what other people's thoughts were to put stuff in perspective etc!! Didn't mean to offend anyone etc haha :)

@sergeilavrov

I’d suggest working with your mum and sister to actually reorganize the house before the baby arrives. Nudge the situation such that the easiest way to be is incidentally tidy, and you’ll see longer term success and the development of good habits. People are messy because it’s easier than being tidy, you just need to switch it around. Congratulations on the upcoming baby

Work with mother and sister? Does the father get a free pass? Why is it only the women responsible for tidying up?

@DotDotDotty Because the sister and mother seem the most open to change. OP is heavily pregnant and tired, and you want her to have a battle with her dad just so she doesn’t appear sexist?

I don’t like advising people to fight uphill battles in their own homes when there is a more straightforward way of achieving their goals.

I’m guessing from the fact that you haven’t answered questions about rent that you aren’t contributing money wise to living there?
In which case I’d get into the mind set that your contribution is going to have to be in other ways. You take on cleaning the house and perhaps cooking in place of rent. It sounds like you are pushing your luck at the moment by not paying anything, not working and complaining that your parents don’t clean up enough. They must be getting fed up with it. You said yourself that they suggested you do more when you spoke to them about it. Treat it as your job!

Yeah I’d be annoyed too. I know it’s their house but it’s not like you’re asking anything bad. Any chance you can move out soon?

Why is it untidy?

I ask as a naturally messy person. I find it hard to stay tidy but I’ve made some changes and the key for me is a) little and often, b) massive decluttering and c) having a proper place for everything.

Is there lots of ‘stuff’ everywhere??