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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cheating

32 replies

NiknicK · 23/07/2020 11:02

I've just read a thread about cheating and it made me think. AIBU to not understand how anyone could stay with their partner if their partner has cheated? I know relationships are complicated but personally i couldn't forgive my dh if he were cheat on me. I'd feel so betrayed and heartbroken that i'd never be able to get over it and be close to him ever again. I have two friends who both have partners who were unfaithful. One of them stayed with their partner basically because they owned a house and he earned good money which she didn't want to give up. My other friend has been married for ten years plus and her dh had an affair with his boss for over two years. She stayed with him and said it was because she has kids and doesn't want to break up here family. I can kind of understand her reasoning, just, well more so than my other friend who basically didn't want to give up her lavish lifestyle, but can you really ever get over cheating? I know i wouldn't stay with my dh if he did this to me, not even for the sake of my dc, but because i know myself, and i'd let it eat me up, resulting in me becoming very very bitter and i suspect i would take that frustration out on my dh, and i wouldn't want my dc living in a house with that kind of atmosphere. I found out a few years back that my dp's both had affairs when i was a child and i was disgusted with both of them. They had a volitile relationship when i was little so i guess cheating was going to happen, but they should have separated in my opinion and both if them made a new life. Instead they're still together to this day, my dm clearly still resent my df cheating, even though she did too, and they aren't right for each other. That right there is another reason why i won't tolerate cheating.

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FortunesFave · 23/07/2020 11:18

I couldn't either. No way could I do the whole forgive and forget thing.

I would be so eaten up with rage, it would be unsalvagable.

NiknicK · 23/07/2020 12:15

Yeah that’s it. It would eat away at you. I get people wanting to work at their relationships but can you ever really get past cheating.

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Dozycuntlaters · 23/07/2020 12:20

But you are looking at it from a vey idealistic point of view. What if you're a SAHM and your husband cheats....you gonna uproot your kids, put them in day care, find a job etc etc. For some people it is far easier (not emotionally though) to try and work through it just so their life isn't changed too much.

How about women who have given up careers to bring up their kids who have now flown the nest. They haven't worked in 30 odd years and are financially reliant on their husbands, what are they going to do.

How about those who just tell themselves it a one off and it will never happen again.

Just because YOU couldn't tolerate cheating doesn't make those who decide to stay wrong. Each to their own and all that. No I really don't think you can get past it to be honest, but I think some people would rather carry on living the life they live rather than deal with it. I bet it rears it ugly head a fair bit though and must be quite a horrid way to live.

NiknicK · 23/07/2020 12:37

I get what you're saying and that if there are children involved it would take some serious thinking and planning. But coming from parents who both cheated i actually have less respect for them for staying together just because of me and my siblings. I'd have adapted as would my brother. I would have rather had a happy home and two parents who wanted to be together because they loved each other rather than who felt they had to stay together due to us kids and maybe finances. I only work PT so would struggle massively if i was on my own without my dh's income, but i suspect i would manage somehow and i would rather be happy and skint as opposed to more financially secure but miserbale.

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JorisBonson · 23/07/2020 12:41

I would have said the same several years ago, until I found myself in an abusive relationship.

The man cheated on me several times, but in the meantime had broken me down so badly that I truly believed I couldn't live without him, or that it was my fault, and let it go time after time. Each time I found out there would be a flurry of love, gifts and promises, which I would cling to.

I'm in a much better position mentally these days with a wonderful DP. Now i WOULD leave him if he cheated on me, because I know that life goes on and could not deal with the heartbreak again

Chanjer · 23/07/2020 12:43

My partner cheated on me

We did basically split up for about 7 minutes and decided we didn't like it very much and got back together. We've been together for 20 something years. This might have been 7 or 8 years ago or maybe longer, I can't really remember

We talked about it, we moved on from it. Never really looked back

MilkItTilITurnItIntoCheese · 23/07/2020 12:44

I think most people say they wouldn’t put up with it. There are a million and one reasons why they might if it happened. Some people can and do get past it. Some can’t and won’t. There’s no right or wrong because each situation is totally different.

Dozycuntlaters · 23/07/2020 12:44

NiknickK I totally agree with you, was just trying to see how it could be for those in that situation.

NiknicK · 23/07/2020 12:50

Oh i'm sorry you went through all of that. It must of being horrific. My parents were had a volatile relationship and my df even hit my dm. It seemed to happen for ages then stop then start again. Looking back it's only now years later i realise the impact this had on me. my dp are still together and whilst i know my df has never raised a hand to here since i was a child, they have a weird relationship. My df seems to have become more passive and my dm nit picks at him all the time but in a weird uncomfortable way, even family members have commented on it. I grew up adamant there was no way i was ever going to let a man treat me that way or stay in an unhappy relationship for my kids, if i were to ever have any. But i get that for some people it isn't as simple as that and there is a lot to consider.

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Ireolu · 23/07/2020 12:54

I think until one has been in the situation you can't really say for sure how you might react.

I can't tell the future. In theory I think like you. In practice things may be different. I would be loathed to judge someone else on the decisions they make with their relationships. My priority would be to be a supportive friend if that is what us required of me.

overweightcat · 23/07/2020 12:54

@Chanjer I think what you've described is very rare.

My DF cheated on my DM for nearly a year. Literally the most cliche scenario. DM a SAHM with young kids, stopped looking after herself (that bit is true she's stunning but when you see pics from that time she looked older than she is now) him young and very handsome breadwinner with a budding business which was on the up - he went with a family friend who made very obvious advances and looked very much the stereotype always dressed up, red lip, done up big curly hair the works.

They stayed together and DM apparently forgave him but I know she still throws in in his face to this day. Especially if under the influence and there's an argument. She's still deeply hurt and I don't think will ever truly let it go. I think it also really damaged my DMs self confidence and she's got this air of wanting approval on her looks - she's beautiful and doesn't look her age but she puts way too much emphasis on that fact.

I don't think I could stay with DP, my initial thought is that I would stay because DCs are so young but deep down in my heart of hearts if he cheated he wouldn't be the man I thought he was and I wouldn't be able to get over it.

NiknicK · 23/07/2020 12:58

Yeah i think most people say they wouldn't put up with it but i know that i couldn't get past it so there would be no point in staying together.. I have 2 ds's, youngest is autistic, so it's not clear if he'll be able to manage or understand the complexities of relationships when he's older, but with my eldest ds who is almost 18, what kind of message would be giving him (hypothetically) by staying with his df who had cheated on me. That it's ok to lie, cheat and treat women badly?

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FloreanFortescue · 23/07/2020 13:24

The relationship would never be the same but I do think I could continue. It would spoil things like intimacy and "genuine" gestures of affection. I could live in the same house though.

FortunesFave · 23/07/2020 13:29

What if you're a SAHM and your husband cheats....you gonna uproot your kids, put them in day care, find a job etc etc.

I am over 40 and no WAY would I stay with DH if he cheated. Not a hope in hell.

I'd rather live in a bedsit frankly.

edwinbear · 23/07/2020 13:29

If my DH cheated, we would have a choice between staying together, or divorcing which would mean selling our house and taking DC out of private school because we couldn't afford to run two households and pay school fees.

I would prioritise paying school fees. But then our marriage is already thoroughly miserable so emotionally, I wouldn't much care if he cheated.

FortunesFave · 23/07/2020 13:30

I've thought about how I'd feel and to be honest I'd be very squeamish about it. I couldn't touch him intimately...someone else would have been there. Same with kissing him.

NiknicK · 23/07/2020 13:32

I suppose it depends on a lot with what people will and will not accept or put up with. Seeing my dp's relationship for what it was when i was a child i've grown up to be quite tough and won't take any crap of anyone. By that i don't mean i'm horrible to people, i'm a nice person and do a lot for family, friends, enjoy my job, get along with my work colleagues etc, but i'm a straight person and on the whole, honest with people, and i expect the same in return. Cheating is dishonest, sly and cruel and there is no way that i would be willing to take that off anyone including my dh.

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GrandTheftWalrus · 23/07/2020 13:35

Exh cheated on me all the time. I kept saying hurt me again and I'm gone but I stayed. It made a shadow of myself. Constantly worried when he went out or if I was working etc.

My now DP knows if he cheated he is gone as I'm not putting myself through all that again.

FortunesFave · 23/07/2020 13:36

Grand exactly. My friend's DH cheated on her when she had just had a baby....it was 17 years ago but that WHOLE time she's been insecure and worried.

NiknicK · 23/07/2020 13:36

So from the sound of things, money and kids are the main reasons for people staying cheating partners? Don't get me wrong my dh doesn't earn a lot, me even less, we get by on very little at times, so i don't have a lavish lifestyle that i or my dc would miss. That's something i wouldn't need to consider if the worst did happen i suppose. My dc i would consider greatly but i wouldn't use them as a reason for staying.

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Cam2020 · 23/07/2020 13:37

What if you're a SAHM and your husband cheats....you gonna uproot your kids, put them in day care, find a job etc etc.

Why not? I think that would be preferable than kids growing up in a horrible environment where they know something is wrong.

FortunesFave · 23/07/2020 13:38

Nik me neither. We're not rich enough for my lifestyle to change dramatically.

I think a lot of women with high earning DH's and a big house would have to make BIG changes and that thought can be very worrying for them.

NiknicK · 23/07/2020 13:39

Yeah that would be a massive change.

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NiknicK · 23/07/2020 13:42

I agree CAM. There was a spell when i was little when i remember praying that my dp would get divorced. Don't get me wrong some parts of my childhood were very happy and we had fun, but then there was some very dark times too where i wished i lived elsewhere.

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GrandTheftWalrus · 23/07/2020 13:48

I didn't have kids with exh so I dont actually know why I put myself thru it for so long.

I have a dd now with dp but I'd rather do it alone