Cheating

[NiknicK]

I've just read a thread about cheating and it made me think. AIBU to not understand how anyone could stay with their partner if their partner has cheated? I know relationships are complicated but personally i couldn't forgive my dh if he were cheat on me. I'd feel so betrayed and heartbroken that i'd never be able to get over it and be close to him ever again. I have two friends who both have partners who were unfaithful. One of them stayed with their partner basically because they owned a house and he earned good money which she didn't want to give up. My other friend has been married for ten years plus and her dh had an affair with his boss for over two years. She stayed with him and said it was because she has kids and doesn't want to break up here family. I can kind of understand her reasoning, just, well more so than my other friend who basically didn't want to give up her lavish lifestyle, but can you really ever get over cheating? I know i wouldn't stay with my dh if he did this to me, not even for the sake of my dc, but because i know myself, and i'd let it eat me up, resulting in me becoming very very bitter and i suspect i would take that frustration out on my dh, and i wouldn't want my dc living in a house with that kind of atmosphere. I found out a few years back that my dp's both had affairs when i was a child and i was disgusted with both of them. They had a volitile relationship when i was little so i guess cheating was going to happen, but they should have separated in my opinion and both if them made a new life. Instead they're still together to this day, my dm clearly still resent my df cheating, even though she did too, and they aren't right for each other. That right there is another reason why i won't tolerate cheating.

Nc for obvious reasons.

I have cheated, there was lots of excuses in my mind justifying it. I was also young etc but that's probably just more excuses. My boyfriend (now DH) forgave me. That was 15 years ago and we are happily married with children. I know he's a better person than me in so many ways as if the shoe was on the other foot I don't think I would have had the capacity to forgive.

However I also don't believe it's helpful to maintain the narrative that the cheater is an eternal villain. No one ever fully knows what's going on behind closed doors.

To be clear I'm not condoning cheating and would be heartbroken if it happened to me but I always try to treat people with kindness and understanding and try not to be quick to judge.

Sorry to gatecrash but can I also ask a question... would you consider an over the line (in whatever format - something that was enough to upset you) text message cheating? I absolutely would and I see it as grounds to end a relationship for that alone.

I stayed after my husband cheated so I can definitely understand it. There were lots of reasons, worrying about how I’d cope with the kids on my own, knowing my kids would have a totally different childhood to the one I’d planned, not wanting to miss out on part of my children’s childhood and especially not wanting them to have a step mum, not wanting their dad to start a new family and leave them behind and also the stigma that comes with being a single mum and the stigma that children can face.

As it happens he cheated again (found a load of text messages so it had been going on a while not a drunken ons) so I did end up a single parent with a 4 year old and 5 month old. It hasn’t been easy at all, but it had got to the point that I couldn’t trust my ex and my self esteem was getting wrecked.

Now I would definitely leave the first sign of cheating even if nothing physical had happened yet.

Ex cheated while I was pregnant with DS1 and then again straight after he was born. I tried after the first time to let go of the hurt/anger. The second time I remember sitting in DS1's bedroom feeding him while Ex was out and my best friend who is DS1's Godmother saying to me "you know full well you can do this alone" and thinking that actually, having nothing would be better than having that level of hurt.

Ex and I co-parent well and are friendly. I love him for giving me DS, I love the role he played in my life. But I'm so thankful I walked away. I wouldn't hesitate to do the same again if I was cheated on again.

I would like to think that I would leave as well but it is hard to say that for sure until it happens to you, I would imagine

I wouldn't be able to get passed it. If you take them back, they have got away with it. You have said no its not OK but your actions say something else. Defo a deal breaker imo.

NicnicK that's really sad. My parents' marriage became turbulent when I was in my teens and I remember feeling absolute dread of them staying together and enduring another weekend of blazing rows but also fear of them splitting. They stayed together and lasted another 10 years with very rocky patches at times before calling it quits.

I'm admittedly a proud person and sometimes to my detriment (also, stubborn ) but I could never forgive a cheater because I would feel so disrespected. I completely understand other people's reasons for trying to move past it, but I don't think I ever could - even more so since having my daughter because I feel cheating is disrespectful to the children too as their parent is willing to shatter their world for the sake of a shag or an ego boost.

Sorry to gatecrash but can I also ask a question... would you consider an over the line (in whatever format - something that was enough to upset you) text message cheating? I absolutely would and I see it as grounds to end a relationship for that alone.

That's a really good question! I'm not sure! I do think most of the time, the intention to do something physical is there though or things will eventually lead they way if they feel they've got away with stuff so far.