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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think not all teenagers are arseholes?

31 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2020 03:51

Still up becuase I have had an absolute bastard of a day which included getting proof, not in writing sadly, that I am being managed out and getting minimal hours.

DD, 15, came down for a glass of water and said "you ok?" I said no, bugger of a day and she gave me a proper hug. Not a "teen hug" where they just about acknowledge your physical existance but touch you as little as possible, social distancing being a thing since forever for teenagers, but a proper one. And she even got a tissue for my tears.

Self indulgent nonsense from me. Sorry.

OP posts:

madwoman1ntheattic · 23/07/2020 03:53

I love my teens. They are awesome. And yours sounds ace too. Sorry about your day.

AlternativePerspective · 23/07/2020 04:01

I love mine.If he’s out he always rings me on his way back just to chat (assuming he’s not with anyone else obviously,) will often pop into my room at night for a chat, there are just lots of things.

I have a life limiting illness which wasn’t diagnosed until he was nearly fourteen, and on the day I was rushed into hospital, he arrived home just as the ambulance pulled away so used find my iPhone to track me to the hospital - which was just as well, because they didn’t take me to my local one...

We’ve been in lockdown together for the duration and have remarkably not clashed at all...

blubellsarebells · 23/07/2020 04:04

Bless you and your lovely daughter, sorry about your job x

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2020 04:06

We had a massive row the other day because she spotted somthing on Twatter that makes me a transphobe (#IstandwithJK) but she still loves me. I needed to know that today.

OP posts:

lukasiak · 23/07/2020 04:09

I think it's swings and round-a-bouts, tbh. Both my dd13 and Ds16 are lovely at home the majority of the time, but i suspect they can be assholes outside.
Dd13, at least, I know can be. She's not an bully or anything, just a very eccentric lone wolf with a big personality who isn't interested in having friends, though plenty of people are interested in being her friend. I know lots of boys ask her out, and she's never turned a single one down, but in the same vein, her longest relationship has been eight days, the shortest 20 minutes because they're all boring people. Which she has no problem telling them in very blunt terms, which is a pretty asshole move.

Moonshinemisses · 23/07/2020 04:09

My teens are lovely, my favourite people in the world. That's not to say they don't have their moments. I've been working a bunch of crazy hours the last few months in a very stressful work environment (prison officer) when I get home from my night shifts one of them always gets up and makes me tea & toast. Love them.

heartsonacake · 23/07/2020 04:30

No, of course they’re not all arseholes. But a lot of teenagers behave very, very differently around their parents to when they’re out with their mates, hence the arsehole label.

PhilCornwall1 · 23/07/2020 05:18

Teens aren't arseholes at all, just appear to be when they are in a big group.

Both of ours (13 and 18) are lovely. They always both ask "how has your day been?" or "that looked an intense day today." as I'm working at home and they are genuinely interested.

The youngest will very often give me and my wife a hug, especially when we are off to bed. Cracks me up when I get a little pat on the back after it.

heartsonacake · 23/07/2020 05:37

Teens aren't arseholes at all, just appear to be when they are in a big group.

PhilCornwall1 You can’t just “appear” to be an arsehole without actually being one.

Your teenagers may be lovely to you, but as I said, teenagers behave very differently around their parents than when they’re out and about, big group or not.

Parents are very often surprised that their lovely teenagers aren’t so lovely away from them and find it very hard to believe.

PhilCornwall1 · 23/07/2020 05:45

You can’t just “appear” to be an arsehole without actually being one.

Ok, perhaps I used an incorrect word, so I'll rephrase what I meant. In a group yes the often can and do behave like arseholes. I've seen it with my two and many others. But it doesn't mean they don't have the ability to be what many would class as normal from time to time.

Everyone has been a teenager and would have behaved in a way others would consider being an arsehole, they always have and always will.

Rubyupbeat · 23/07/2020 06:07

That's lovely, and I think you'll find the majority of teens are the same, they just get a bad press.

vickibee · 23/07/2020 06:13

My son is 13 and has asd to cope with. He can be so lovely and caring. Of course he has stroppy moments too.
He has grown up a lot lately and is beginning to think about the feelings of other people and manage his own feelings better
We have treated him to an Apple Watch because of the way he has coped during lockdown

LaureBerthaud · 23/07/2020 06:29

YANBU - My DD and her friends are a lovely bunch of girls; clever, kind and supportive of one another - and they enjoy being with their families too!

I know lots of boys ask her out, and she's never turned a single one down, but in the same vein, her longest relationship has been eight days, the shortest 20 minutes because they're all boring people. Which she has no problem telling them in very blunt terms, which is a pretty asshole move

Why is your DD dating at 13 - it's too young to have a "relationship". Why isn't she able to turn boys down but is unwilling to have female friendships? She really isn't an arsehole, she sounds like she needs some loving guidance.

AlternativePerspective · 23/07/2020 10:37

My DS isn’t one for hanging around in big groups. They of course all have their moments, but as a rule people are nothing but positive about DS when he’s out, he saves any attitude for when he’s at home 😂 doesn’t mean he’s not lovely though.

Am not sure eight days or twenty minutes constitutes dating.... most kids at that age will go through a stage of having a boyfriend or girlfriend, it doesn’t have to mean it’s serious or even inappropriate.

lazylinguist · 23/07/2020 10:48

There are teens who are arseholes and teens who are lovely (and everything in between), just like with adults. But things about teens' development process can certainly make them act like arseholes even when they aren't really deep down! I've taught teens for over 20 years, so I've dealt with more than my fair share!

My teen dd can be prickly and stroppy at times and wouldn't give me a proper hug because she is very non-tactile, but she's also definitely not an arsehole most of the time and is funny and good company. If she thought I was upset, she'd probably make me a cup of tea rather than offer a hug!

crosser62 · 23/07/2020 10:49

My 17 has been an arsehole all his life, but then finished school, got an apprenticeship and I actually like him nowadays.
Turns out it was school that made him an arsehole.
Although he was an arsehole as a really little kid before school.. strange.

Subeccoo · 23/07/2020 10:53

My 14 year old is most certainly not an arse hole, but his 22 year old sister definitely was at his age!
Your daughter sounds lovely

QualityFeet · 23/07/2020 10:57

Aw sounds lovely.

I cycled past a gang of about twenty teen lads in the chav uniform if black and silver with those funny man bags. My little one was wobbling and they all have him lots of room and some encouraging smiles. I would take them any day over the middle aged white men in Lycra who were uniformly loutish.

Cactusmum · 23/07/2020 10:59

No they aren't.. my two are lovely girls. :-) Hope tomorrow is a better day. x

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 23/07/2020 11:01

1:1 the teens I work with are lovely, I've never met one who isn't. Same teens in with a supply teacher (even top set) is a different story.

adviceatthislatestage · 23/07/2020 11:01

I once took DSS 13/14 at the time and DSD to the pantomime.

He had such a face on and sulked all the way through.

Years later, out of the blue he apologised for his behaviour and said deep down he'd actually enjoyed it but had made such a fuss he couldn't lose face as such, so sat there stony faced.

It's such a confusing time for teens

Flopjustwantscoffee · 23/07/2020 11:04

Most of the time (not all but most) large groups of teenagers hanging around without parental oversight are also not arseholes. Noisy/silly yes but generally helpful as well when needed. At least in my experience.

ItWasNotOK · 23/07/2020 11:07

Most teenagers I've taught have been pretty nice really.

Iwanttositundermyownvine · 23/07/2020 11:15

Difficult to say. I remember quite clearly that confusing feeling of Jekyll and Hyde as a teenager. I could flip between sweet, doting daughter getting good grades, being a Guide leader, playing violin in the regional orchestra and singing in church on a Sunday, and during the exact same period being a complete and utter horror when with my friends.

Memories of Friday night 'sleepovers at friends' now make my toes curl. I'm keeping my own kids in lockdown until they are 21...

ComeOnGordon · 23/07/2020 11:15

Give me teenagers over toddlers any day

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