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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be seriously judging my friend for inviting strange men round

48 replies

BooFuckingHoo2 · 22/07/2020 18:59

I have a friend who has two kids (3 and 7) and is a single mum. I’m single too and we were talking about dating (using tinder etc) and she admitted that she invites men round “for a brew” when the kids are in bed.

AIBU to be horrified and think it’s seriously unsafe to invite what are essentially randoms off the Internet round to your house when the kids are upstairs?

I don’t have kids, but I still would insist on a public place for meeting the first time. I do feel for my friend as she’s in a situation that makes it difficult to date - kid 1s dad isn’t involved and kid 2s dad works away a lot so she has very little time without them (no family nearby and can’t afford a sitter). She’s only 27 and wants more kids so she’s really keen to meet someone else. I’ve offered to babysit for her but she doesn’t seem fussed (to be honest I think she’s worried about having to pay her share on dates when she’d rather spend it on the kids).

Should I say something or keep my beak out?

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/07/2020 19:02

She admitted to inviting men round for a drink. When did she admit to inviting men at random off the internet?

SickOfNorthernExile · 22/07/2020 19:06

Oh I hear you OP.
I’m a single mum of a 4 yo and before I had him, was a very active Tinder-er. Two dates a night sometimes.

I haven’t been on a date for five and a half years now (pregnancy and then DS) and wouldn’t DREAM of asking a tinder date to come round when DS was in the house. It’s hugely unsafe.

I would definitely say something to your friend. I have every sympathy for her, believe me, but it’s not right.

Original poster

BooFuckingHoo2 · 22/07/2020 19:07

@PlanDeRaccordement when I asked her if she’d met anyone off tinder and whether she wanted me to babysit

OP posts:

Inkanta · 22/07/2020 19:11

You seem concerned about your friend and her safety. Which is fair enough. It seems strange that she wants another child when all parental responsibilities are on her shoulders anyway with not much support from the dads. Either she's a natural at mothering and juggling life or something else is going on.

DrManhattan · 22/07/2020 19:14

one of my friends used to do this. I thought it was insane. I told her and it didn't go down well. Maybe be careful of the words you use but she's kidding herself if she thinks she's not putting herself and her kids at risk.

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/07/2020 19:16

But did she say that was the first time she met them? Or just that she’s met them from tinder and then.....dates later....invites them round? Could you have possibly misunderstood and it’s not the first meeting happening at her house?

Pebblexox · 22/07/2020 19:24

I understand you're concerned for you friend, however she's a grown up and will make her own decisions. No harm just mentioning that you're available should she require you, and also that perhaps just to let somebody know when she has a male friend around just incase of emergencies.

whattimeisitrightnow · 22/07/2020 19:33

As unfortunate as it is, I don’t think there’s anything you can do besides perhaps a gentle chat if you think she might be receptive. If you come on too strong she’ll likely just be defensive. She’s putting herself and her children at risk and ultimately, if she wants to continue to do so, she can.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 22/07/2020 19:43

YANBU it's disgusting. And I say that as a single mum with no family or friends to babysit. I also struggle to date due to childcare and lack of money but there's no way I'd allow a strange man in my house.

I had a friend who used to do this. She'd talk to random men on Plenty of Fish and, even though she'd never met them in real life and hadn't been talking to them for long, invite them round to her house when the kids were in bed. I was horrified. These men could have been anyone! She hadn't even had chance to see what they were like and get to know them first!

Burnthurst187 · 22/07/2020 19:44

In what way are the men strange?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 22/07/2020 19:45

Not a lot you can do about it, but yeah it's totally bonkers from a safety perspective.

I also understand where she's coming from considering time and money concerns.

If you do approach it make sure you do it in a supportive,non judgemental way and from a safety perspective. Otherwise it'll just get her back up, and she think it's fine because things have been fine so far and you're just OTT.

No "wtf are you thinking? You've got kids living here! How can you be inviting random strangers over?" .

Rather ask some questions about the date, ask how it went and then "oh do you think that's safe? What if they refuse to leave or take no for an answer? I'd be too worried to be able to relax properly. I can always babysit if you'd like to go out next time" and just leave it there.

Original poster

BooFuckingHoo2 · 22/07/2020 20:11

@PlanDeRaccordement it’s definitely the first time she’d met them because I offered to babysit in case she wanted to go and meet someone and she said “oh don’t worry I just invite them for a brew when the kids are in bed to suss them out”.

@Burnthurst187 they are strange because she’s never met them before?

OP posts:

pennysea · 22/07/2020 20:16

It sounds like she is inviting men over that's she's never met in real life before. That's very dangerous for any woman but when she has two young kids in the house it's a recipe for disaster. I'd be concerned too but if your friend is happy to do it then there isn't much else you can do.

UnaCorda · 22/07/2020 20:19

She now wants a third child with a third man? Jeez. Does she actually put her existing kids first in any of her decisions?

Original poster

BooFuckingHoo2 · 22/07/2020 20:28

@UnaCorda her kids seem very happy and well cared for and other respects.

I can understand her wanting a third, it’s just unfortunate she’s not still with one of the existing dads but I don’t necessarily think having 3X3 makes her a bad person.

OP posts:

ShinyFootball · 22/07/2020 21:16

We're in the middle of Corona is she doing this now?

Or is this from before?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2020 21:26

I’ve got an acquaintance who has younger kids, an involved ex who has plenty of contact inc nights and weekends who talks openly about how often she has men off tinder over for a shag while the kids are asleep. Men she’s never met before. Does my absolute head in. She’s bright, educated, successful and confident in her profession and sensible enough in the rest of her life. Fucks knows what’s going on in her head.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 22/07/2020 22:20

I also had a friend who did exactly this and the really terrifying thing was she would sleep with them even if she didn't like them in the flesh because they had driven from other towns and she felt like she owed them .
I haven't seen her for years and her boys are now teenagers, so there's that .

PumpkinP · 22/07/2020 22:25

I am a single mum to 4, I have no child care at all and their father is absent so for that reason I have decided not to date until they are old enough to be left alone. (Won’t be for a long time!) but plenty of people on the relationships board seem to think inviting men they barely know over, whilst their kids are in bed is perfectly fine. So some people obviously think it’s ok, I would stay out of it as there is nothing you can do. It’s her decision to make.

Burnthurst187 · 22/07/2020 22:27

[quote BooFuckingHoo2]@PlanDeRaccordement it’s definitely the first time she’d met them because I offered to babysit in case she wanted to go and meet someone and she said “oh don’t worry I just invite them for a brew when the kids are in bed to suss them out”.

@Burnthurst187 they are strange because she’s never met them before?[/quote]
You mean strangers not strange

worstwitch18 · 22/07/2020 22:32

@Burnthurst187

It's a little off topic but OP's use of strange is correct.

Original poster

BooFuckingHoo2 · 22/07/2020 23:11

I mean strange as in the dictionary definition context of unknown

OP posts:

formerbabe · 22/07/2020 23:19

I find this terrifying and honestly I'm no prude. I don't even judge people who meet someone in a club or bar and have a one night stand...I mean at least you have got some indication of the guy. But I cannot think of anything more terrifying than a man I've never met before rocking up to my house and letting him in. Even worse she had her children at home.

Despicable behaviour.

Original poster

BooFuckingHoo2 · 22/07/2020 23:22

The thing that scares me (and does for myself as well with no kids) is not actually knowing if the guy is who he says he is before giving out the address. He could have three mates waiting in the car which he then could let in (or any such variation).

OP posts:

JizzPigeon22 · 22/07/2020 23:27

Fair enough after a few dates of getting to know them, but having them. Round when you haven’t met them is really irresponsible.

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