To be seriously judging my friend for inviting strange men round

[BooFuckingHoo2]

I have a friend who has two kids (3 and 7) and is a single mum. I’m single too and we were talking about dating (using tinder etc) and she admitted that she invites men round “for a brew” when the kids are in bed.

AIBU to be horrified and think it’s seriously unsafe to invite what are essentially randoms off the Internet round to your house when the kids are upstairs?

I don’t have kids, but I still would insist on a public place for meeting the first time. I do feel for my friend as she’s in a situation that makes it difficult to date - kid 1s dad isn’t involved and kid 2s dad works away a lot so she has very little time without them (no family nearby and can’t afford a sitter). She’s only 27 and wants more kids so she’s really keen to meet someone else. I’ve offered to babysit for her but she doesn’t seem fussed (to be honest I think she’s worried about having to pay her share on dates when she’d rather spend it on the kids).

Should I say something or keep my beak out?

Totally horrendous
There is so much that could go wrong/ be dreadful that I can’t even begin to start describing it
If that was my friend I would be beyond worried
Actually I am beyond worried for them all. They are ok so vulnerable in different ways.

What happens if the guy has totally lied about who he is or isn't who he is in the photos...then he's knocking at your door? What then? Do you refuse to answer? What if he gets nasty or violent? What if he becomes obsessed with you and now knows your address. So much could go wrong.

*all not ok

Ridiculous behaviour.

I agree with the pp that said to approach it in a safety way. I do know what it feels like from the childcare and financial perspective. I was single for 10 years because of these reasons but I won't pretend it wasn't lonely however this is completely irresponsible behaviour and I wouldn't have tempted me for love nor money!

Absolutely not OK but she's probably not going to take well to being told.
Can you offer to be a security contact. So she tells you when she's expecting a man round and texts you regularly to assure you that everything's OK.
Maybe set up some coded messages for 'call the police' or similar.

It's not judging really, what she is doing is totally unsafe. She is letting in complete unknowns - with her kids in the house. If it was my friend I would find it horrifying.

I had a (not close) friend, back in the day, who would go home with men she had just met when we went to night clubs. I found that so scary and that was just her.

But is this now or pre covid?

This feels like a thread to induce frothing but I don't get it. Are we talking about something she was doing months ago?

How much detail do you know? If she's mates with her neighbours she could be asking them to keep an eye. If it's post covid maybe they're having a cuppa in the front garden

I mean do you even know the actual score here.

Mothership most men are fine. And I say that as a raging feminist of the old school.

It's about individual attitude to risk.

I went home with loads of randoms from clubs. No probs.

The men who attacked me were ones i knew well and trusted.

Anyway that's an aside.

I agree with internet you've never met them so is totally different. But do we even know what this woman is (was?) doing?

I agree it's not a good idea, I think statistically the risk of someone being a total psycho is low but it's not a risk I'd want to take with kids in the house.
Can you gently suggest without any judgement of what shes getting up to sexually, that strangers in the house could be a risk?
Otherwise keep offering to babysit?

I think this is risky behaviour, and I am not a risk adverse person, at all. I think people sometimes are just quite naive about the potential problems with this though.

I think I would say something, but I'd put it in the context of being worried. Maybe if you can find an example of something bad that happened to someone, like "my cousin Mary had a guy she met online try and assault her when they met, and it makes me worried for you and the kids" kind of thing.

That horrible story about the escaped convict who went home with a mum and raped her children. I would never have done this anyway and then I heard that story and was just heartbroken for those kids.

Well at least you can say she's got some energy! Two kids, single mum and still time for a 'brew' once they are a-bed

I'd be just grateful to stare at the wall in silence for 5 minutes

But in all seriousness, it's dangerous what she's doing

What does the post /pre covid thing matter? Tinder still works

I actually know loads of women who are doing this. One was even doing it whilst supposedly having corona.
Another is having first time dates in the day with her children present and has even managed to cop snogs whilst children are yomping around on the walks.
The dating climate is nuts now 😐

I've worked in criminal justice. There is a HUGE amount of sex offenders online dating. Many set up profiles before they're even properly released.
I can often tell by their photos, the backgrounds in the pics etc. It has certainly coloured my dating experience.

When I was younger I had a similar attitude, trusted the whole world, saw the good in everyone. Your friend is poor at assessing risk, keep calling your friend out, it might sink in eventually.

Let’s hope nobody tells social services they think she’s running a knocking shop when her kids are in bed.

Really, really poor judgement on her part. She’s prioritising herself before the safety of her kids.

@QueenOfPain

Come on, I think she’s mental but Knocking shop?! It’s not a brothel!

I dunno I’m probably at the extreme end of things the other way (sworn off dating at all until DS is older and promised myself there won’t be any “dates with kids” at all, or introducing partners until im as sure as I can be that it’s a “forever” thing) but as a mother, even if your instincts don’t kick in for yourself, surely they should for your kids?!

She's crazy for doing it, but she's an adult so I guess all you can do is gently try and advise her as a friend.
Perhaps you could suggest a safe word or code she could text or call you with if she found herself in difficulties?

This is post the bulk of Covid in the last four weeks or so (that’s when she started using tinder)

She doesn’t have a front garden so unless they are sitting in the street in the pouring rain, they’re definitely going in the house.

I used to have men off tinder round to my house, but when the kids weren't there.

They were all nice respectful guys, never had any issues.

I guess it would have been awkward if one of the kids had woken up and seen one of them, that's why I didn't do it when they were there.

She is crazy so foolish with DC in the house. I hated this on holiday's as a young lady friends bringing blokes back to the apartment then passing out.
The lady in the article below found out the hard way. www.irishtimes.com/news/world/uk/serial-rapist-given-33-life-sentences-after-uk-rampage-while-wrongly-free-1.4109877

They were all nice respectful guys, never had any issues

That's just luck