To think that ‘gold diggers is just another sexist trope to make women accept shit from men?

[Merryoldgoat]

I read so many thread where a woman is scared of being called a gold digger so she accepts unbelievably asymmetric spending and ‘goes halves’ with everything even though her bf or partner significantly out-earns her and it leaves her short.

And I actually do mean early on in a relationship too.

When my DH and I first started dating in spite of similar salaries he had greater disposable as he was living at home.

He paid for most meals out (I paid for some and I did offer to go halves when I could). If I couldn’t afford something I said so and generally he just paid or we’d not do it.

When we moved in it went to 50/50 obviously, as outgoings were the same.

When I had children and went part time we pooled money and split the surplus equally.

There is nothing wrong with expecting your partner to help you out if they can and paying for things if they have more money and there’s nothing wrong with being pissed off if they don’t.

I accept I may be BU but I’ve read a few threads recently with obviously right wealthy men getting away with shit because the woman is desperate not to be seen as a gold digger.

Not caught up but obviously 'you're only with her for her looks' is a total thing, as PP points out it's trophy wife.

Also the dynamic where women are used by men as displays of wealth/ power. EG done rappers. Look at my cars/ clothes/ mansions/ women.

Grim.

Hate the trope of the “real person” ie the man such as snoop dogg / Robert Palmer etc surrounded by identikit attractive women 🙄

At my university the attractive girls were paid to attend rugby sporting events with senior rugby men 🙄.

Another girl and I (when we were young twenty something City solicitors) were often asked by partners to attend client functions even though they weren’t our clients 🙄. I wondered why then the penny dropped felt so naive.

A trophy wife is regarded as a status symbol though. People don't sneer and judge men for having trophy wives the way they judge gold diggers.

Yes they do. Attractive women being shown as a show of wealth like a car is gross. We're not objects.

The difference in judgement is old fashioned sexism.

People don't sneer and judge men for having trophy wives the way they judge gold diggers

We kind of do though? Some of us certainly do point and laugh 🤭

Haven’t read the whole thread but I know a few girls who are gold diggers, one of whom is quite open about it.

That said the men don’t seem to mind.

Something in it for both.

@MangoFeverDream

People don't sneer and judge men for having trophy wives the way they judge gold diggers

We kind of do though? Some of us certainly do point and laugh 🤭

I mean think about it in terms of the OP. Women who are not gold diggers are afraid of being seen as one, so they go above and beyond, putting themselves out of pocket to make sure things are 'equal', even when staying home with the children. All of that is because of the stigma attached to being a gold digger.

Men with 'trophy wives' don't keep them locked in the back room. They want to be seen in public with them. The risk of a couple of jibes is not a problem for them, it's a badge of honour for them. Many men pay for the privilege. If the stigma of having a trophy wife was as bad as the stigma of being a gold digger (which it bloody well should be!) then men wouldn't be so proud of having them!

I judge men for having trophy wives. I'm aware many women do. But they don't care what a bunch of mothers think about them. A lot of them don't even care about what their wife thinks when they run off with their new hot piece. The judgement exists, it's just not prevalent enough to put them off doing it, the way women try so hard not to seem like they need a man's money. (Again, not all do. I'm just talking about the general consensus and the OP). I couldn't imagine a man saying 'oh no, don't wear makeup for our next date, we'll go out looking scruffy, I don't want people to think I'm only after you for your looks'. Even thinking about that happening is making me laugh.

What about age difference? Older men with younger women? Say a 55 year old with a 27 yr old

The clue is in the name - trophy wife. A trophy is something you want to show off, put on display for other people to look at, something to be proud of.

Things you don't say - "Oh dear, I've won a trophy, how embarrassing"

I earn twice what my DH does, so I slightly resent the inference that women are generally the lower earners at the start of a relationship.

When we met, we each took it in turns to pay for a date. Now that we’re married we each pay a proportionate amount towards our household expenses based on our salaries. That goes into a joint account. Whatever we have left in our own account is ours to do whatever we want with.

@serenada what's the difference?

Also @IncorrigibleTitmouse I understand that inference exists, but that's certainly not the topic of discussion here.

@WhatCFeryIsThis

Sorry, I don't understand?

@IncorrigibleTitmouse what if you wanted to go somewhere expensive that you knew he couldn't afford? Would you have offered to pay?

@serenada More often than not we’d find a middle ground. I’m the saver/planner and he’s a total spendthrift, so if we want a particular big ticket item or holiday we’d plan and budget for it and then each save up the proportionate amount based on our salaries.

We always go on a trip for our birthdays instead of buying gifts so I know that his birthday trip will always be further afield/a bit more extravagant than mine will be, but we both get to enjoy both!

@IncorrigibleTitmouse

And, if you don't mind me asking, what about in the early days? How did you navigate that without drawing attention to his lower than your income?

@serenada When we first met the difference in earnings was slightly less. I was probably making about 15k more than him then but I didn’t know exactly how much he earned and he didn’t know exactly what I earned.

We each took it in turns to organise and pay for dates but I don’t remember either of us ‘keeping score’ on value, as it were. Most of our dates were pretty normal dinner, cinema, outdoorsy things that don’t cost a lot. I took him to a winery and he took me to a lovely nitrogen ice cream place, for example. Yes, there was probably a cost difference but neither of us minded because they were both fun and we both got to enjoy both. I will say, unlike some other men with more fragile egos I’ve met along the way, DH cares not one jot that I earn more than him!