To ask for your experiences with support throughout and following grief

[finallyfree2019]

Just that really ?
Did your friends and family support
You and stick around even when you were at your lowest ebb and you were not particularly available or interested in company or support?
Did some disappear ?
Thank you.

Most folk were rubbish. A tiny few weren't. It's an incredibly lonely time.

I lost two family members within days. Obv DP and immediate family were all feeling the same horror and sadness, but we supported each other and it worked.

Others do not know what to say and can back off big time, ok I understand that.

Biggest part is three or four months later when life KIND OF returns to normal, no one outside the immediate family mentions it. Maybe they feel awkward or something I dunno.

But as pp said, you have to deal with your grief/loss on your own precisely because no on can experience your grief for you. Well that's one lesson I learned.

Yes it is. I'm
Finding that some who I would not have been close with are incredibly thoughtful
And supportive and others have disappeared. It's shocking although I have not been very responsive or interested in meeting people or communicating so many I
To blame. I feel that I have slid into a type of reactional depression and don't want to involve myself with the outside world but yet feel hurt that I seem
To be forgotten to many. Do I reach out ?

Thanks for your insights. Has anybody else experienced this?

Sorry ime most people dont know what to say, those also affected by grief were too self consumed. I read a couple of books which helped me (sorry not sure which, lots available though).

I'm sorry for your loss. I think alot of people don't know what to say, don't want to offend and don't feel qualified to offer help, other than the initial bunch of flowers and 'sorry' cards. Maybe people think you are spending time with immediate family, sorting things out, not ready to socialise again etc etc.

We all deal with grief in different ways. Without knowing the circumstances, its a bit difficult to provide specific advice. You said yourself you havent been very responsive, so maybe people are assuming you are ok and getting on with things? They arent mind readers.

Have you had any professional help? If not, it might be beneficial. Are there any friends you could contact and say go for a walk or coffee for a chat and to clear your head?

Some disappeared from embarrassment I think. Some were more supportive than I thought they would have been.
I did try counselling. But it wasn’t right for me. I just took life day by day and allowed myself time each day to be what ever I felt like - happy or sad or nothing at all. But I only allowed myself that time when I was on my own, otherwise it was ‘plaster a smile on and fake it until I made it’.

It was a long long time before I felt that I could cope, yet I did and do. It’s a naff thing to say, but time is great healer in that you learn to accept and deal with your grief and start to live again.
Can you try counselling? Your GP may have a list of grief counsellors as a starting point.

I've experienced this too, I lost my parents days apart with two very young children to care for. I was astounded that some of my closest friends failed to make any contact or check in with me, whereas some of the people I was friendly but not super close with showed incredible consideration and kindness throughout.

I held on to a lot of pain and anger as a result of this which counselling helped to address. It doesn't mean things have recovered in terms of those friendships but gives me a different perspective and ultimately doesn't take over my head with negative thoughts.

I hope things pick up and you can find a way forward.

I lost my Nana a few months ago and I had always been very close to her. Friends and colleagues were generally great at supporting me, both in her final two weeks when she was deteriorating and after she died.

Family (parents/sister etc.) were less than great. I visited my Nan every single day in those final two weeks, liaised with various agencies and busted a gut to ensure she returned to her own home for her final few days (which is what she wanted). Pretty much moved in for the final four days of her life to care for her, deal with nurses etc. I was with her when she died, having had about 6 hours broken sleep in 72.

I was still working a full time job and trying to keep vague normality for my young son. Family didn't really support me at all. With any of it. I ended up organising everything after she died as well with little to no support from them.

At the time, I just carried on and did what had to be done. I adored my Nan and I would do it all again and more if I had to. I do however, feel quite resentful of the lack of help and support from family And then they wonder why I've been quite distant

Maybe in time, I will feel less bitter about it. I hope so.

@PumpkinPie2016- Sorry for your loss too. Sending hugs and thoughts your way

So sorry to hear you are having a hard time.
When I needed to grieve my loss I found most of my close friends were unsupportive and seemed uninterested, they didn't call or message unless I did first. I suppose they didn't know how to act but at the time I found it incredibly hurtful and our friendships have never recovered.
On the other hand, people who weren't that close when it happened have really offered support and kindness, and some have become close friends.
You certainly find out who your friends are in times of grief!
I did try and keep my friendships but in the end it was better for me to stop bothering as I felt so hurt. When I asked why they hadn't tried more to be there for me, I got lame excuses which quite frankly gave me the rage.
'Be kind to yourself' is a trite phrase that I absolutely hate... My GP and counsellor used to say it to me repeatedly and I have found that it is actually very helpful in the long term.
Grief is a very lonely time, all the advice I can give you is to take any counselling or help you can get, and that the pain does get less painful when enough time has passed. I hope you find all the replies to your post helpful and that life gets better or at least more bearable for you soon

I think we all very in what we need and friends don’t really know what your needs are. When I was 24 my dad died. He was elderly. I had two younger sisters. One at university and one at school just about to take O levels. Was anyone remotely bothered? No. Definitely not.

I was told off for taking 4 days off work. I went to see HR and my boss was told I could have requested 5 days! My mum spoke to DSis’s Head at school but no one actually spoke to her and DSis at university came home and went back to exams after the funeral. I just went to work and friends said they were sorry. Most didn’t say anything. I carried on seeing them and didn’t stay at home but I was in a relationship with my future husband.

My uncles took care of my mum but I organised the funeral, the food for mourners and liaised with the funeral directors. I took mum shopping for a suit to wear.

So did anyone offer any support. No. Having said that, did I expect them to? No.

I lost my mum very suddenly ten years ago. I think people just don't know what to say or do really. Work colleagues were probably the most supportive when I was at my lowest.

I lost my OH in February and the Samaritans were wonderful in picking me up on several occasions.

As to family and friends: all my family have been truly wonderful - I could not fault them in any way.

Friends? - mixed. Support from those I did not know all that well was forthcoming and a great joy. Some close friends seemed embarrassed and barely mentioned it. Indeed our very best and oldest friends have been conspicuous by their absence when it comes to support - I feel quite hurt by that.

It is a bit of a minefield.

Cruse are helpful.

Thank you for sharing your stories of grief and I will you well and healing.
I find that I am
Drill of uncontrollable emotions that just occur out of the blue and I can lash out or break down in tears. I am sad and withdrawn. I don't help. I want to get over these feelings. I have isolated
Myself and do not want to talk to anyone which is why some people have stopped trying because I don't respond
I guess. I want contact but don't want to reply which may not make sense. I
Just want to be alone and get on with
My life but am
Disappointed with some People
Yet surprised and pleased with unexpected kindness .. I experienced a sudden death of a loved one some weeks ago.

In my experience people surprise you, in positive and in negative ways. Losing one of my parents I had some wonderful support from those I wouldn't really have expected it from, but some people said things that upset me and I didn't think of them in the same way after that.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think a lot of people don't know what to say, don't want to offend and don't feel qualified to offer help, other than the initial bunch of flowers and 'sorry' cards. Maybe people think you are spending time with immediate family, sorting things out, not ready to socialise again etc etc.

I 100% agree with this ^

I think your 4th post says a lot more too. People are all busy with their own lives and everything going on for them. When they have reached out to you and you've not responded, then they will think you want to be alone at the moment. that is fine. You can't really blame other people.

It might be wise to talk to someone - whether that is a friend or a professional or some bereavement support from a religious leader or a charity or voluntary counsellor. There are a lot of services offering this support on the phone now.

Not.one of my friends got it. They cut.me off so I stopped raising it. My mum got it and she was the only one. I knew when I sussed out the level of friendship, that i didn't have the relationship with them i thought I did, despite being there for them throughout their various crises. Came to the conclusion that for grief, I was very much alone in the matter. And yes, it bit me on the ass for a long time after. I would be doing something and it would all just build up out of nowhere and I would start blubbing.

As others have said, yes some very close friends just completely ignored me, whilst other acquaintances have been utterly brilliant, and new friendships formed from unlikely places.

I hugely recommend looking at the online support organisation called WAY - Widowed and Young (or WAY UP for over 50’s) - lots of empathetic online discussion, questions, answers, chance to meet others in your area for coffee/cake/chat, or a walk and talk, and further down the line, perhaps attend events and even holidays with people in similar circumstances who understand.

I also don't think it reflects the closeness of your friends. Much more, the experience of those friends. That might be they haven't lost someone really close to them yet, themselves, or it might be that they have, and reacted in a very different way from yourself. Doesn't mean they aren't a good friend, just that they aren't a friend who has had the same experience as you and is able to anticipate what you want when you aren't able to tell them.

My df passed away exactly 3 years ago (today) I only told my close friends about his passing, they were great.
I posted something the day before his funeral, lots of people didn’t know, but how could they, they aren’t close to me. My dh didn’t even say anything to his friends, but tbh he was absolutely rubbish. That’s why I never got him involved as I knew what he’s like in a crisis, useless 🙄

Thanks and wishing pp's good thoughts.
I feel stuck at the moment, battling wanting solitude but wanting communication too.
Hopefully my friends will be patient but I am surprised at how many aquamtamces have shown up versus old and close friends.

I do think grief is personal though. Others may not have experienced it. Others might have had an elderly relative die but often that can be expected due to age and illness.

I think it’s often easier to think of what made you happy about that person. Others might not know this but you can celebrate their life in the way you wish to. My friend and her mum have a gin and tonic in the graveyard where her dad/husband is buried. It allows them to tell and remember him and even have a laugh. No friends involved. I think everyone needs to find some method of remembering and celebrating the life of the person who has died and I really think that’s the way forward to a more content and calm life.

Thank you. I am so deep in the grief, I am
Afraid that I am going to isolate people but O just can't face people .