Friend thinks I should be grateful

[zerosugars]

Which I am, extremely grateful for my lovely toddler.

Was having a discussion with a friend of mine who has 4 children. She's in a happy settled relationship with a good set up.

I am a 30 year old lone parent who left my sons dad as he became abusive when I was pregnant. He's my only child.

I mentioned to my friend that I'm so happy she ended up in the position she's in (very happy as far as I know), and mentioned that I'm worried I'll never meet anyone lovely in time to have another child, as realistically, I don't have time for dating, and I don't want to end to with the wrong person, again.

Friend sneered and said that's a bit ungrateful, some people never have any kids?' I said I know and I'm so grateful for my son, I would just like another one day if the time is ever right. Again, she insisted that I just be grateful for the one I have.

AIBU to think that just because I already have one, doesn't mean I can't worry about possibly never having another? I don't wish to cause any hurt to those who cannot have children, however I think that my feelings are still valid.

Am I being over sensitive?

YANBU. Your friend sounds like a bit of a cow.

No, no you're not.

Maybe she was being bitchy - maybe she was trying to help you focus on what you have rather than what you don't have? 30 is plenty young enough to meet someone and have more kids.

How utterly bizarre. So it's ungrateful to want more than one child? How does she explain her own situation then? Shouldn't she have just stopped at one and been happy with that?

By her reasoning nobody should ever aspire to have more than what they do already. Lots of people would love to have what we already do!

Yanbu! I was a single mum before meeting my DH and although I was happy / content / grateful for all the positives in my life I was worried I’d be alone forever and not have the chance for the more children I’d always thought I’d have.

You’re friend is being stupid

Ps don’t give up hope I’m not married to a lovely man and have 2 under 2 ... met him by chance at a meeting in work. I had zero time to date and met people before that

YANBU

I really just needed her to be kind but think I'm slowly realising I'll never get that from her. She's short with me sometimes, but this felt mean.

Oh god, I hate these kind of people. They're the same ones who say you can't complain when your kid is driving you crazy, because, "you know, some people want kids but can't" or you are shocked when you say you want to spend a day away from your kid or, god forbid, a night, "well then, why did you even bother having children?" etc etc etc.

I don't think it's mean. I do think it's completely lacking in empathy and demonstrates a very negative and pessimistic view of the world. Personally, I can't be around people like that.

She appears to be completely unaware that she is in a fortunate position and probably claims she'd be happy living in a shed but she's completely lacking empathy and kindness. You're allowed to want what you like, she can't tell you otherwise.

Friends should support each other, be kind and enjoy each other’s company. She does sound mean.

It’s not you

She sounds like a... very unpleasant person (... I really mean another word)
Sorry OP, you deserve better friends.

Does she generally tell you off every time you express any form of displeasure with your own situation? A proper friend would express compassion.
Does she generally look down on you? Why else would she tell you off, and imply you're getting ideas above your station, for wishing for the same things that she has already?
If this behaviour is a pattern, then she's not a friend.

(However, there could be something else... e.g. she may have experienced pregnancy loss herself, and be awkwardly trying to warn you that things don't always work out like we wish)

She's short with me sometimes

Wow, I’d be seriously reevaluating my friendship with somebody if they were short with me even once let alone sometimes.

YANBU She's a bitch and no friend of yours.

I am In exactly the same position as you. I love my son so much and am extremely grateful to have him (I didn’t take my fertility for granted at alI). I would dearly love another though, for my son as much as me.

Your friend sounds awful. She is in a relationship and has a large family, she shouldn’t judge you so harshly for feeling you would like a bit more than you currently have.

So by her logic, she clearly wasn't grateful with one child - because she went on to have another three.

By her logic then she's a greedy fucker having 4 when some women never have any.

I'm the mum to an only as well. He was originally a twin and I had a MMC on his twin at 8 weeks. Should I not be allowed to grieve because some women don't even get a conception?

She's bonkers.
And I fucking hate it when people who clearly have no fertility issues like your friend deign speak on behalf of the women who have fertility issues. She can fuck off.

I don’t have any children - hasn’t been possible sadly - and I don’t think you’re being ungrateful.

If you’d said that to someone with no kids who you knew (had) wanted them then that’s different but your friend has 4!!

I think as others say, she’s lacking in empathy. I have a friend similar to her. She’s said some shocking things to me around this subject.

The point is, you don’t have to be false or completely tiptoe, just bear in mind who you’re talking to and respond to them at that time in the spirit they’re expressing things. She clearly struggles to do that!

Hope you meet someone and manage to have another child. (I met a lovely man, we were just too old to have children, but though sad about that we’re very happy otherwise). X

It's possible she likes feeling 'better off' than you and wants you to stay in that position, so puts you down. Some people are really odd about others' happiness even when there's nothing obvious wrong with their own lives.

Or she's one of those people who can't cope with others expressing any negative feelings at all, or with showing others empathy.

Neither are particularly attractive characteristics in a friend.

She has a ‘place’ for you. You are thinking / vocalising a potential change or desire for change in your life. She doesn’t want this for you as it doesn’t fit her image of your ‘place’.

Jog her on.

I’ve recently let a 20+year best friendship slide when her (massive) life changes made me realise how she’d truly always seen me. It suited her to quietly, privately, pity me. Her life changes meant she was the same as me and she became unpleasant in her comments about me / my thoughts / my life. It’s how she (I believe unknowingly) planned to ‘keep me in my place’. I would have discussed but I knew - know - she would deny any culpability. I slowly stopped initiating contact and her silence speaks volumes.

Back to you... she’s not a friend.

She's right, some people always have it worse. But some people also have it better.

It's like saying to someone with a chest infection to be grateful they don't have cancer, and it just completely dismisses their suffering.

Or like saying to someone who lives paycheck to paycheck that some people are in crippling debt, so they have no right to worry about money.

Your worries are valid. You are worried you won't meet a suitable life partner, and you're worried you won't get to have another child like you want.

I had horrible sickness in pregnancy, and got blood clots that could have killed me. I went to a mums group where someone asked me how my pregnancy was going and I told them as much, and got the whole "be grateful, some people can't have children" spiel, which felt very invalidating.

Tell whoever tries to make me feel this way to do one, OP.

She’s a bitch and a smug one at that due to get current situation (which I hope she is grateful for!). It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to be thinking about your future and hoping to meet someone / have more children. She is not a friend

Agree with pps. She lacks empathy and has you slotted into a box and you must stay there.

She sneered? Ew. Friends don't sneer. Get rid.

Some people never get to be smug and in love, do they. It’s swings and roundabouts really isn’t it