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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To start a thread to celebrate being a woman over 40

48 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 15:09

Prompted by yet another thread having a pop at married women over the age of 40 posting selfies on social media (the shameless hussies). Every other day there's a thread saying something like "should I give up and die/accept spinsterhood because I'm 40".

Despite all the progress that has happened in women's lives in the past half century its still a truism that once you hit 40 you are a) invisible b) undateable c) unattractive and d) if you don't have children you have no purpose in life. I found my life improved exponentially when I hit 40 on every conceivable measure and I feel like I must be living in a parallel universe. I want to shake people and say: "stop hating yourself" when they post this stuff. Just stop falling for this load of misogynist rubbish you were sold and have some self-respect.

So just for starters life at 40+ is better because:

a) you care far less what people think about you and don't let it hold you back
b) you are far inclined to waste time trying to impress people who don't deserve you and are much more willing to cut your losses when they aren't up to scratch
c) you are more likely to have your shit together financially
d) you know what you like and while your identity may not be fixed you have a clear sense of what to spend your time and money on

Any more for any more?

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 15:19

I'm old enough to get away with a lot of stuff, I have the money to be able to do the stuff I can get away with, and old enough not to give a shit anyway Grin

thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 15:30

@BurtsBeesKnees

I'm old enough to get away with a lot of stuff, I have the money to be able to do the stuff I can get away with, and old enough not to give a shit anyway Grin
Exactly. You put it so much more succinctly!
OP posts:
Whenwillow · 22/07/2020 16:44

Can I join?
I'm over 50, which is definitely over 40.
I too have my financial shit together.
I no longer worry about what I'm going to do when I grow up.
I was never conventionally attractive but I've either grown into my looks or they just don't bother me any more.
I met my DH at 43 and married him at 48.
I can spot red flags in new acquaintances a mile off.
I've stopped worrying about what my mother (specifically) thinks, and much less though not entirely what the rest of the world thinks.
My social skills have improved considerably, and I communicate quite effectively with all sorts of people.
I also really appreciate having had a life, and children, before the advent of social media.

GrannyBags · 22/07/2020 16:49

Life begins at 40 - well mine did as that’s when I started to not give a stuff about how people judged me. As long as I feel I’m being a good person and doing the right thing, why does it matter that I’m overweight or not wearing the latest fashion etc? If I don’t want to jump on the latest trend then it’s up to me. I won’t defend my choice to go to Church, vote for who I like, listen to the music I like etc etc It’s my life and I live it now. Some people don’t like it but there are plenty who do.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 22/07/2020 16:51

I'm almost 49 and I have no intention of cutting my hair short, wearing skirts a sensible length as I have decent legs, and I will chose when I wish to become invisible and then I will decide whether to use that power for good or to rob banks etc Smile.

ShinyMe · 22/07/2020 16:57

The great thing about being invisible is that you can do stuff!

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2020 17:02

I love being over 40.

I have more money than any other point in my life
I never will be pregnant again
I can get pissed cheaply

BatshitCrazyWoman · 22/07/2020 17:13

I'm 56 and have no plans to become invisible. I did a lot of online dating in my early 50s and had a lot of fun. I am happily loved up now!

I'm happier now than I have been in a long while (divorced an absolute fuckwit). Life is good!

Iwalkinmyclothing · 22/07/2020 17:16

I'm not 40 until next year but can I join in early? I'm financially quite fucked and only likely to get more so for REASONS but the rest all applies :) And I have also hated a lot of the stuff I have seen on here lately wrt being a woman of 40+.

Plimpy · 22/07/2020 17:17

I just turned 40. It's awesome!
I'm single and childfree, both of which I love!
I also look about 30 which doesn't hurt WinkGrin

Plimpy · 22/07/2020 17:19

Forgot to mention I'm unemployed, too!
Wouldn't trade it for anyone else's life though, including mine when I was younger!

MulberryPeony · 22/07/2020 17:53

I’m not sure if my body is in better shape or I just think it is either way I’m happier in my 40s than 30s.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 18:06

This is great. I am tempted to get a tattoo done (which would be a first), saying something like "over the hill and loving it".

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 18:10

Just to add to this list:

I think a huge amount of the angst which young women get is driven by their biological clocks and the awful drumbeat of "will I have kids or will I not have kids? Is it too late? Is he the wrong man?" Makes me feel anxious just thinking about it.

Once you get to your mid 40s you've likely either had kids or accepted that you're never going to have kids and hopefully made peace with it. Chances are if you've had kids you've got into the swing of it and if the bloke isn't fit for purpose, you'll have given him the elbow.

And my god what a relief it is to have got all that shite behind you.

OP posts:
Lifeisgenerallyfun · 22/07/2020 18:17

I’m so much happier now than when I was younger, I know who I am and confident enough to be that person, whether or not people like it, whether or not they think I’m weird. Mortgage just about paid off at 44. Settled in my family, understand the relationship with my mum. About to head back to uni to fulfill my long held dream.

Basically stopped thinking about what should be, who I should be and life is mine to live being me. You couldn’t pay me enough to go back to my 20s!

ILoveTotoro · 22/07/2020 18:23

I about had a breakdown when I turned 40 at the end of last year. I spent the weeks running up to it crying. It was Absolutely ridiculous of me and I am so pissed off I ruined a landmark birthday when there was no need

In the months since though I have felt ok about it. And I have absolutely embraced it. my mum and older friends always said you massively stop giving a shit about what people think after 40. I never believed it but its definitely true and I seem to give less of a shit every day. I have found I also don't take any shit anymore

I love this thread thanks for starting it op

ShinyMe · 22/07/2020 18:24

Being single and childless is much easier after 40. Nobody ever gets all sympathetic now and starts telling me I'll "find someone" or that I'll "change my mind when I get older".

waterandlemonjuice · 22/07/2020 18:29

Great thread! I’m over 50 so in this category.

I’m so grateful to be here, not everyone makes it to 40 or 50
I am very happy with my husband
Kids have nearly gone and we are going to take a year off once they have
So many things I used to worry about just don’t matter, at all, I’m better at realising this now
I think I look pretty good actually
I only see people I like, everyone else can fuck off

pinktophat · 22/07/2020 18:43

I agree, I love my 40s. Love my amazing kids who are now big enough to be less work with same amount of enjoyment, love dating and currently in happy relationship, love my friends who are all opinionated and interesting as we've had plenty life experience between us... so many pluses. I agree with whoever said, what a relief to have the tough stuff behind you. If you're going through it, know you'll come out the other end.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 18:43

ILoveTotoro

Sorry you went through that. It's appalling how society piles on this pressure to make you feel like your life is over because you've hit some arbitrary numerical milestone. And so wrong.

Why is 40 the magic number as well? Why is this always seen as the magical cut-off point at which women "disappear"? Is it to do with the fact that its thought to be the childbearing?

OP posts:
Whenwillow · 22/07/2020 18:44

@thepeopleversuswork I love your comment about bloke being not being fit for purpose!
My first one fitted neatly into that category, and my successor has also recently given him the heave-ho!

Flopjustwantscoffee · 22/07/2020 18:49

To be fair, I think a lot of the positives you mention in your post are exactly the reason certain segments of society try to box 40+ women as "invisible, undateable and unnattractive". A confident woman who doesn't care about being seen as nice by random men? The horror!

HappyMealWithLegs · 22/07/2020 18:50

I must admit I find it really strange. I'm 40 next month. I feel like a kid! I've never looked better, I've never been more confident, I've never been as free and had such a great social life! The best bit is that I genuinely don't care what people think either. So if you think me saying "i've never looked better" is conceited, I don't care! 😆😆

Cautionsharpblade · 22/07/2020 18:51

My 40s have been my happiest decade so far. Probably no coincidence that I’ve been single throughout.

People have finally stopped asking when I’m going to have kids. Never. I’ve been saying this for 30 years and they finally believe that I knew my own mind all along

I’ve got loads of friends. Most of the people I lost to early years motherhood have bounced back into my life.

I’m invisible. Ok it’s a pain trying to get served at a bar but it’s lovely not to get lewd comments in the street.

Basically I’m always doing whatever the fuck I like when I like with whom I like.

ILoveTotoro · 22/07/2020 18:55

@thepeopleversuswork

ILoveTotoro

Sorry you went through that. It's appalling how society piles on this pressure to make you feel like your life is over because you've hit some arbitrary numerical milestone. And so wrong.

Why is 40 the magic number as well? Why is this always seen as the magical cut-off point at which women "disappear"? Is it to do with the fact that its thought to be the childbearing?

That is LITERALLY how I felt Like I was gonna be "over" and "old"

I hate how society is about ageing and how it shames women for it

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