Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To start a thread to celebrate being a woman over 40

48 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 15:09

Prompted by yet another thread having a pop at married women over the age of 40 posting selfies on social media (the shameless hussies). Every other day there's a thread saying something like "should I give up and die/accept spinsterhood because I'm 40".

Despite all the progress that has happened in women's lives in the past half century its still a truism that once you hit 40 you are a) invisible b) undateable c) unattractive and d) if you don't have children you have no purpose in life. I found my life improved exponentially when I hit 40 on every conceivable measure and I feel like I must be living in a parallel universe. I want to shake people and say: "stop hating yourself" when they post this stuff. Just stop falling for this load of misogynist rubbish you were sold and have some self-respect.

So just for starters life at 40+ is better because:

a) you care far less what people think about you and don't let it hold you back
b) you are far inclined to waste time trying to impress people who don't deserve you and are much more willing to cut your losses when they aren't up to scratch
c) you are more likely to have your shit together financially
d) you know what you like and while your identity may not be fixed you have a clear sense of what to spend your time and money on

Any more for any more?

OP posts:
iklboo · 22/07/2020 18:56

I'm 51 tomorrow and have finally learned over this last year to give far fewer brain spaces to things that don't actually matter.

If you don't like me, so what? I have plenty of people who do.

Don't think I'm attractive? Who said I wanted you to?

Don't like how I dress? You get no say unless you pay.

I'm fifties, fabulous and fierce.

QueenofLouisiana · 22/07/2020 18:58

I’m over 40, I’m old enough to know what I like: gin, crémant d’Alsace, tofu; and also what I don’t: whiskey, red wine, brussel sprouts.
I don’t need to go places or do things because they are trendy, I do them because I want to. It’s liberating.

PaperMonster · 22/07/2020 19:36

Am 51 and basically give no fucks about what anyone thinks about me. I’m no looker by any stretch of the imagination but a couple of years ago I had to distance myself from three Male friends as they were after more than I could offer! I’ve been told I’m gorgeous only today by a bloke. I have a bit of a quirky style, not OTT, so often get comments from strangers about various items of clothing. The only thing that’s the problem at my age is work - there I seem to have become invisible.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 19:57

@PaperMonster

Am 51 and basically give no fucks about what anyone thinks about me. I’m no looker by any stretch of the imagination but a couple of years ago I had to distance myself from three Male friends as they were after more than I could offer! I’ve been told I’m gorgeous only today by a bloke. I have a bit of a quirky style, not OTT, so often get comments from strangers about various items of clothing. The only thing that’s the problem at my age is work - there I seem to have become invisible.
I swear I feel more attractive the older I get. My looks are average but up to the age of about 30 was hideously hung up on what I looked like. I feel a million times more attractive to men now than I did in my 20s. Not to be bigheaded, it's just a statement of how I feel. Objectively speaking I know I must have looked better 20 years ago but because I am happier in my own skin I seem to wear it better.
OP posts:
MsMonkey · 22/07/2020 20:17

I love this.

I turn 40 very soon and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I give far less of a shit what anyone thinks of me and am much more comfortable in my own skin than I was in my twenties and early thirties.

DukeOfEarlGrey · 22/07/2020 20:26

This thread is brilliant. I’m turning 40 in a couple of months’ time and have been feeling really weird/low about the fact that I’m single, childless and overworked. But sometimes I wonder whether I’m internalising too much societal bullshit: I think if marriage and babies were my real, deep-down priority I’d have pursued them at the exclusion of all else, which frankly is what I did with my career when I realised as a twenty something how much sexist bullshit I was going to be up against in the workplace and how much economic independence matters to me. I may be single and childless but I love my independence, have an amazing career and am more financially stable than I ever thought I could be. I definitely don’t attract the kind of male attention I did in my 20s/30s but I’m not at all convinced it isn’t because I’m much more confident now and frankly rarely put myself in situations where I encounter drunken men.

NeutrinoWrangler · 22/07/2020 20:27

I'd much rather be 40+ than face the only alternative-- dying before reaching the big 4-0!

Anyone who shudders in horror at the thought of being (whispers) forty must live each day in terror. Time flies, and before you know it, you'll be One of Us... Shock Wink

Seriously, for the most part I feel much the same in my 40s as I did in my 30s, only I'm less inclined to care what others might think of me now than I did then!

LunaNorth · 22/07/2020 20:28

Old enough to know better, too old to care.

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2020 20:29

On a serious note, my mum had a fear about getting old. Constantly worried about looking old, grey hair etc. Died at 41.

I suspect she’d have felt quite differently if she’d known.

Winederlust · 22/07/2020 20:30

I turned 40 at the end of last year. A work situation which occurred over the 2 years prior knocked all the confidence I ever had, but since the turn of the year I have felt it slowly but surely returning. Obviously this is just partly coincidence, but I do honestly think there's also an element of a switch being flicked...I've made it this far in life and deserve to be happy with the person I am!

LunaNorth · 22/07/2020 20:37

Things I’ve achieved since turning 40, six years ago...

Gone from doing zero exercise to running 10k.
Started my own business.
Started (and am halfway through) a Masters.
Started two new jobs (decided to close the business),
Moved house.
Got married.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 20:41

@DukeOfEarlGrey

This thread is brilliant. I’m turning 40 in a couple of months’ time and have been feeling really weird/low about the fact that I’m single, childless and overworked. But sometimes I wonder whether I’m internalising too much societal bullshit: I think if marriage and babies were my real, deep-down priority I’d have pursued them at the exclusion of all else, which frankly is what I did with my career when I realised as a twenty something how much sexist bullshit I was going to be up against in the workplace and how much economic independence matters to me. I may be single and childless but I love my independence, have an amazing career and am more financially stable than I ever thought I could be. I definitely don’t attract the kind of male attention I did in my 20s/30s but I’m not at all convinced it isn’t because I’m much more confident now and frankly rarely put myself in situations where I encounter drunken men.
You are certainly internalising too much societal bullshit, though I don't blame you. You clearly have your act together and have a lot to be proud of. I felt very much like this when I was roughly your age. I did have a child later but I also understand this feeling that however well you do it will never be good enough for the world.

It makes me so angry that women get funneled into this vortex of low self-esteem because they haven't hit these ridiculous external milestones that society imposes upon them. You will come out the other side, look back and realise that we've all been sold something incredibly damaging for no reason.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 22/07/2020 20:50

Turning 40 is a fucking gift, I love being 40!

Fitter and healthier than I've ever been, kids at the sweet age of no babies and yet no teens, career going from strength to strength, financially free and secure, stopped giving a fuck what people think of me, can start doing all the things I didn't get a chance to do in my 30's when I was busy having babies.

40 is freedom, both mentally and from a societal expectation.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/07/2020 20:53

@Strokethefurrywall

Turning 40 is a fucking gift, I love being 40!

Fitter and healthier than I've ever been, kids at the sweet age of no babies and yet no teens, career going from strength to strength, financially free and secure, stopped giving a fuck what people think of me, can start doing all the things I didn't get a chance to do in my 30's when I was busy having babies.

40 is freedom, both mentally and from a societal expectation.

Amen to this.
OP posts:
AliasGrape · 22/07/2020 21:09

I turned 40 last year, found out I was finally pregnant after years ttc the month after and got married the month after that.

There’s been loads of threads recently about how old is too old to have your first baby and how dreadful it would be to do it in your 40s because you’re so tired blah blah.
I’m no more tired than I was at 30? I literally feel no different. Ok I’m tired now because I’m 9 months pregnant but in general I’m fine.

Life feels pretty perfect right now, wouldn’t swap places with 25 year old me for anything. My 30s were a mix of highs, lows, bereavements and breakups but also loads of travel, fun, new experiences, personal growth and achievements etc. I’m glad I got to experience all that before ‘settling down’ at my very advanced age!

My best mate is 50 next year. No kids and happy with that. She looks about 35 at most, has a great job, goes on about 8 holidays a year, is a fabulous artist, has a wide circle of friends and for the last year has been dating a ridiculously handsome younger man who treats her so well and she sees him on her own terms when suits her.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 22/07/2020 21:37

Loving my 40s..its so liberating! I am 48 and nearly through the menopause that dogged me for a few years.I care not one jot about impressing anyone,I don;t put up with any drama in my life.I don;t care who likes me or not.I am happy being me.I know what I like and how i like it and I feel free.Well as free as you can be with a husband and children in tow!!!I like me though.I am confident,self assured and life feels very good,my life in my skin will do me just fine.I am happy and very content.

ghostyslovesheets · 22/07/2020 22:06

I turned 50 this year

I LOVE this thread - after so many threads recently telling us we can't take selfies, have long hair or that we are basically rotting away!

I am solvent
Own my own home
Kids are all big and I have freedom
I look good - admittedly more chunky but still damn good
I am in a career and job that I love and I am damn good at
I get to travel and I have enough money now to have weekends away and fun
I have a great gang of mates who I love dearly
I am still attractive to the opposite sex - not that I act on it as I am very happy single - but I get a lot of offers!
I am loving this age - it's great

LajesticVantrashell · 22/07/2020 22:06

Turned 40 last year. Being invisible was something I feared, because who is a woman without being attractive or wanted by men? For so long, men validated my existence by their attention, and for so long I validated THEIR existence by allowing myself to listen to their endless monologues or rants or attempts to teach me or educate me. Little did I know I was just “a five foot mirror for adoring themselves” (to quote the band Lush). I turned 40 and I got mad. I embraced feminism, I saw how fucked over women got, I became invisible and realised how much more important you can be when you don’t have to consider how to look or hold yourself. I stopped allowing men to use my precious time to listen to their shit. I gave up on diet culture, I embraced being overweight, I prioritised myself. Being over 40 AND a woman? I’ve finally arrived.

BurtsBeesKnees · 23/07/2020 07:30

I bought my first pair of dungarees a few weeks ago, I'm 47. I'd never have worn them before, because they might not be trendy, or stylish, or flatter my figure, or make me look skinny or feminine. Guess what? I don't care now, I think they looks ace Grin I wear them at every opportunity now

LunaNorth · 23/07/2020 08:03

@BurtsBeesKnees I bet you look brilliant!

Ozgirl75 · 23/07/2020 08:17

I’m 42 and feel very happy at this point in my life. Happy settled marriage of 16 years with a man who finds me attractive but equally I’m not defined by my looks which I always found a bit irritating when I was younger. I’m short, blonde with quite large breasts and I found that these things together were the first things that men noticed about me and both men and women could write me off (despite having two degrees and working as a litigator). So I tended to wear very severe trouser suits, hair pulled back and minimal make up all the time.
Now I’m older and more lined and much less hot (😄) I feel like I can wear what I like and no one gives a tiny shit - or maybe I don’t but either way it’s pleasantly liberating.
Anyway, I also now basically only do things that I fancy doing, have a great circle of lovely friends and generally am very content with my life right now.

Whenwillow · 23/07/2020 08:18

Amen to that @lagestic!

ILoveTotoro · 23/07/2020 17:51

@Ozgirl75

I’m 42 and feel very happy at this point in my life. Happy settled marriage of 16 years with a man who finds me attractive but equally I’m not defined by my looks which I always found a bit irritating when I was younger. I’m short, blonde with quite large breasts and I found that these things together were the first things that men noticed about me and both men and women could write me off (despite having two degrees and working as a litigator). So I tended to wear very severe trouser suits, hair pulled back and minimal make up all the time. Now I’m older and more lined and much less hot (😄) I feel like I can wear what I like and no one gives a tiny shit - or maybe I don’t but either way it’s pleasantly liberating. Anyway, I also now basically only do things that I fancy doing, have a great circle of lovely friends and generally am very content with my life right now.
Anyway, I also now basically only do things that I fancy doing, have a great circle of lovely friends and generally am very content

Love this 🙌🏻🙌🏻

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread