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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel appreciated.................

26 replies

whingingkids · 30/09/2007 08:34

This is a bit childish on my part so be warned...long story short...I see my parents at every Sunday. It is our day to visit them or them to visit us. I do not live near them so it is our only chance in the week to visit and for them to see kids. My DH works every Sunday so its just me and kids. Every second week my brother, SIL and kids join us.

Up to a few years ago we would all converge on parents house for dinner etc but because of increase in child numbers about 3 years ago I took the decision to direct visits to my house as much as pos (a) to spare my mother the work of trying to cook for 11 people and (b) to spare parents house (6 grandkids and house gets thrashed!). Now, I am happy to host entire family gathering every few weeks. It isn't easy cooking dinner and tea for 11 with 4 DC (youngest 1 year old) but I do it to spare DM. This week my brother & SIL have invited my parents out for something to eat (today, Sunday) - invitation did not extend any further. I realise they can invite who they want but am a little hacked off.

On the one hand I don't give a toss but on the other hand I'm p'd off. Kids and I miss out on seeing parents and getting together with family. AIBU or just throwing toys out of pram?

OP posts:

cornsilk · 30/09/2007 09:13

Sounds like brother and SIL want to helpout but can't face organising dinner for 11! Not sure I could either. Who has most kids?

Bouncingturtle · 30/09/2007 09:29

Well if they inviting your dps out for a meal at a restaurant, then your db & dsil are NOT having to cook for 11. However if they are paying for everyone, maybe they thought if they invited your family you would expect them to pay for you?
I can understand why you are pissed off, but not sure what you do about it.
Do your db's family live closer to your dps? Do they see them during the week more frequently than you can?
In your shoes, I would have a word with your dm and tell her that you are a little hurt that they never thought to invite you. Maybe she could drop a gentle hint in your brother's direction (my mum would but then to be honest she would have extend the invite to me anyway but my circumstances are slightly different in that I live much further away).

lucyellensmum · 30/09/2007 09:30

YANBU - but just think, instead you can have a lovely quiet day with the children without the hassle of the rest of the family. NEXT week, you can do the same, have your parents over, just them. They may get the message then. Some people really do take the piss dont they.

lucyellensmum · 30/09/2007 09:36

yeah, maybe they are worried about the money, maybe SIL cant cope with cooking for so many (i couldn't) but hang on a minute YOU manage to accomodate them. They could have at least asked you and if money an issue said, look, can we split the bill or something. They sound pretty selfish to me, happy to accept your hospitality but unwilling to return it, i would be . Do you get any help when they come to you?

Original poster

whingingkids · 30/09/2007 09:54

cornskilk - I have most kids so I understand unwillingness to accommodate everyone because of numbers on their part. Helping out is not what has happened here. Not sure if I'm amazed, surprised, annoyed, pissed off. Maybe I'm all of those things - I'm certainly not happy!

bouncingturtle - DB lives closer. They are going to a restaurant. Money is not the issue here. There are ways to get family together without spending fortune on restaurant or cooking mad big dinner. My DM sees them on Sat due to babysitting and on the Sunday we all get together. My DM knows how I feel - she feels bad about invite and I know she wouldn't say anything to DB about how I feel.

lucyellensmum - I will have lovely day with DC. Next week dinner will proceed as normal with whole family. Not into tit for tat thing. Not my style. There is never any help on Sun. You cook for 11 and you clean up after 11 (12 if you include DH). Others sit around and watch telly etc. There will be nothing else said about todays events. Can I also say that this is not the first time this has happened and what annoys me more is that my SIL family (i.e. parents, brothers family etc) & my parents will be all be invited to house for din from time to time but never us.

Sorry - just a bit of a whinge bag this morning. Hate feeling like this - situations like this bring out worst in me.

OP posts:

Bouncingturtle · 30/09/2007 10:25

Sympathies.. especially as your dm won't say anything - but you are right to be pissed off, frankly, they are being rather selfish.
Had a quick word with Dh - his db's family live very close to their dps, and we live a long way away. We normally visit every other sunday when we have dss, and he said if his db took the dps out for dinner on sunday we would normally visit then he would be seriously annoyed if they didn't ask us along too. And we would expect to pay our share as well.
Hopefully it'll just be a one off. Suggest you and your dcs go off and do something fun today!

lorca · 30/09/2007 10:30

I would definately be put out - after all your hospitality! I would leave it for a few weeks and then invite just your parents over. You don't need to be nasty or vindictive about it, but your DB and SIL should be gently nudged sbout being takers all the time.

harpsichordcarrier · 30/09/2007 10:36

I would be put out too tbh, I think your db is being an arse.
this is what we do as a family to save the same problems when we get together - five sisters, twelve grandchildren so a big problem! everyone brings something to share - e.g. pizzas, puddings, joint of meat, chicken in a sauce, crisps, cakes, salads. hostess cooks pasta and jacket potatoes. everyone helps to put th ebig buffet together.
if we get together in an evening, we have started to to order a Chinese takeaway instead. it isn't fair on one person to cook and pay for everyone.
I am also always v grateful to my sister who ends up hosting - she has the biggest house!

glitterchick · 30/09/2007 10:48

You know what - it is not the restaurant thing. Tbh bring kids to restaurant is pita and I would never dream of letting them pay for my lot. Its the whole thing about today. If it was any other day of the week I wouldn't give a shit. It would have been their day to come here and they didn't even say it to me about taking parents out. DM said it to me. She felt guilty telling me and she shouldn't have to be.

In total fairness to DM when dinner is in our house she brings loads food, drink etc and gets stuck in with some of the cooking so she is never really off the hook, unfortunately.

Up to recently I used to blame SIL for lack of hosipitality but tbh DB is an intelligent man and should have some cop on. I feel like an idiot. Taken advantage of probably sums it up.

fireflyfairy2 · 30/09/2007 11:03

YANBU.

I would be very upset if this happened to me.

It would only have been manners of your db or sil to call you & say "Look we're taking DM out for dinner on Sunday, do you mind? You can come along too if you like?"

Or something along those lines....

Last year my SIL got angry because myself & my 4 sisters took my mum out for dinner for her birthday. Now if she had've been our only SIL I would quite gladly have asked her along, but we have 3 SILs & none of them speak to each other... fuckin inlaws! So we couldn't have asked one without the other 2 feeling left out... so just the daughters & mam went.

Do you think they thought you might not want to go on your own with your kids if dh wouldn't have been there? That's the only thing I can think of...but even at that, you'd think they would have had the decency to ask you how you feel about it!!

TBH if it was a standing arrangement about dinner & it was your turn to host, your mam should have mentioned it to your db..."What about glitterchick? We were supposed to go to her house, shall I ask her to come along?" This is what would happen in the same circumstances in my family.

But I agree with you that next week should go ahead & you invite db & sil, makes you look like the bigger person & not go into tit for tat childish behaviour!

Do you think they may drive over after dinner & visit you anyway?

stleger · 30/09/2007 11:12

Maybe the need to have a private chat about something on neutral ground?

glitterchick · 30/09/2007 11:27

Firstly, you'll have to excuse me. Was ashamed posting message in first place so changed login name to whingingkids but it is really me posting!

Thanks for your post firefly2. You are right - but would't expect parents to drive over as I do not live nearby. Hate the fact that I posted in the first place but have felt like this for long time now (because of other similar occasions) and just wanted to know that I am justified in feeling like this. The strange thing is that we all get on fine. We don't fall out or row. Don't get me wrong my DB & SIL are good people in other ways just not very good at having visitors I guess. Anyway its done now and as I have nothing good to say to them I'll say nothing.

cornsilk · 30/09/2007 12:22

glitterchick you are a better person than me! I would probably have been tempted to get into tit for tat and not invited them the next time. I am full of admiration for your intention to just provide dinner for them regardless. Don't let it get to you, at least your mum knows the score.

glitterchick · 30/09/2007 12:34

Have asked myself the question that if I went down the road of'you're not coming here again' would I feel better and the answer is no. So there you are.

lorca · 30/09/2007 21:19

'we don't fall out or row' - even though you've had previous occasions like this? Why the hell haven't you rowed????? I would have. But then I'd have preobably fallen out with DB and SIL...you are def. a better person. But put upon, IMHO

Elasticwoman · 30/09/2007 22:00

I don't understand how your db can accept your hospitality week after week and then leave you out of this restaurant trip without even mentioning it to you. Is that the situation or have I misunderstood?

I do understand that you don't want a major family rift over the matter.

The only thing I can suggest is that it is perhaps db's way of trying to break the cycle of the big family get together every week, so you might invite your parents without the rest of the extended family next time. Does that make sense? Perhaps restrict large family gatherings (11 people is large in my book) to high days and holidays?

glitterchick · 01/10/2007 06:47

Lorca - you see confrontation is unproductive IMO. Its a waste of energy! I only have 1DB and parents would be v upset. Its all stupid really - I should really go and slap the head off him for hurting my feelings. Very tempting

Elasticwoman - You have the situation right but its not the restaurant thats the issue - its the fact that we meet week after week for years and years and one week he decides to bugger off with parents without saying a word. Maybe you are totally right though. Strongly thinking of making myself unavailable next time we are due to get together (bit of silent protest). 11 is alot but it started out with 2 of us (DB and I) which has grown to 11 over the years (12 if include my DH).

If he is trying to break the cycle of meeting up he should just bloody say it and not do this shit. TBH I think SIL comes up with ideas and he goes along with them and doesn't think about anyone else. I don't think shes malicious - just thoughtless like DB (at least I hope thats all it is). They prob thought they were great taking parents out but didn't look at bigger picture.

Bouncingturtle · 01/10/2007 07:00

I think you are far more forgiving than I would be. I would have said something to my brothers and I know that my DH would have had words with his brother if he pulled a stunt like this. However, our brothers don't seem to be as thoughtless as yours (however they have had their moments ). Don't feel guilty about venting on here, btw. You might find it quite cathartic to do so here and allow you the chance to try and look at the situation from a calmer perspective. I think I would speak to your db and say to them that if they want to organise something like this, to a)not organise on a Sunday which is the only day you can see your dps or b)ask them to include you and point out the fact you have often catered for them!
I guess how you do this depends on how good a relationship you have with your brother, and I guess the key is to handle it in a non confrontational way. I can understand if you don't want to rock the boat but if things like this keep happening aren't you going to continue feeling somewhat resentful? That's not going to be fair on you.

lorca · 01/10/2007 10:32

I bet, knowing males in general, that he thinks that because you've done the sunday thing for years and years, that you actually enjoy doing it, that's why they never have you over, or help in any way with it. Men don't think that women do these things out of duty/love/obligation. Some men just think women are better at doing 'womens work' (ie ironing,cooking,cleaning,nappies) and therefore men don't need to do these things.

pixelchick · 01/10/2007 10:42

How about having
one Sunday all together at yours
one Sunday db & Mum
one Sunday you & Mum
one Sunday all together at db's
?

That way it doesn't always have to be a big dinner.

We never have sunday dinners as a family and I think it's really sad. I tried it but no-one wanted to come! It causes no end of trouble that we all see each other separately and people are talked about. But then we're a huge and complicated and mostly male family.

glitterchick · 01/10/2007 14:11

Thanks for all your help on this matter. I guess at the end of the day I'm not so much looking for a solution, just had to blurt it out to someone and this seemed like the best place cause DH is blue in face at this stage (and I can't see colour of all your faces!) so don't care!

ssd · 01/10/2007 14:18

gchick, you are being very reasonable and "grown up" about this, I can understand where you're coming from, I have similiar issues with my family

good luck and I hope you can sort it

glitterchick · 01/10/2007 18:14

Thank you ssd. Feeling much better now!!

ssd · 01/10/2007 18:32

good!

Bouncingturtle · 01/10/2007 18:32

I'm glad we have cheered you up - you see we have achieved something

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