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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going on ‘strike’ didn’t work

31 replies

FEdUpOf · 22/07/2020 08:38

Haven’t felt well for the last few days.
Decided to ask family to help as I can’t do the usual level of housework ......
Have rested each day and done the minimum I personally need to and nothing else Felt bad yesterday so was in bed after doing a few bits first thing got up this morning to basically a disaster

Nobody else has lifted a finger. Dh has been looking after toddler doing all cooking, bathing etc and what he can teenagers have done nothing when I queried hadn’t he asked them he said no as they do Jobs badly (I think this is their tactic I said I always insist as they need to learn)
I’m actually really upset
I can’t live in such a mess 😟 I think I deserve some help

OP posts:
Original poster
FEdUpOf · 22/07/2020 08:40

I know it’s not technically a strike but a mild version I suppose

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2020 08:42

You don’t need “help”, you need people to do their fair share.

You all need to sit down to discuss what that means in practice and your dh needs to organise getting the house back to a fit state.

Nottherealslimshady · 22/07/2020 08:42

Bang on their doors till they get up and tell them to get their shit tip tidied up .

pregnancydiet · 22/07/2020 08:44

You have a dh problem.

Jupiterscallisto · 22/07/2020 08:44

I did this once with an ex. Except I literally stopped doing anything - didn't even pick up my own plate once I was done. He soon learned how much I actually did and started doing his share. It was hard to not clear up, wash clothes etc but I was damned if it continuing. A different ex commented that once I moved out, he realised how much I did around the house.
Clearly I pick bad partners or do too much housework.

Devlocopop · 22/07/2020 08:45

Cut phones/wifi on teenagers stuff, remove privileges, give them a list of chores to do.

You need a family meeting, why are they teens with no chores to do already? How old are they? Going on strike only works if it affects the people around you ie no lifts, no money giving, no laundry for clean clothes.

I have teen sons, I only empty the dishwasher 1 day a week, the children do it the other 6 days, each one gets a weekend load to unload. They are responsible for the bins, there are set days to empty them and put it out for the bin men. They strip their beds and put them into the washing machine and put it on etc, they hoover the lounge. They have a chore list so they can see what they are doing each day.

Original poster
FEdUpOf · 22/07/2020 08:49

I stopped having a cleaner 8 months ago as i felt it made them lazier we sat them down and explained As they were saying they’d not do anything as the cleaner would be there twice a week
We needed to save money etc anyway they were told what was expected of them and didn’t do it
Didn’t work so we stopped pocket money and that’s had no effect either

OP posts:
JaniceWebster · 22/07/2020 08:50

It's hardly a strike if your partner is taking over and it doesn't impact on your teens.
They are your kids, tell them they have to do their share, don't ask them. Give them a precise list to make everybody's life easier, but just make it non-negotiable.

Original poster
FEdUpOf · 22/07/2020 08:50

I stopped the washing for them both they just will wash one item or a couple whatever they wanted clean in the night when I’m asleep

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 22/07/2020 08:53

Stop doing anything that affects them. Their clothes didn't make it into the washing machine, they can put on a load themselves or go out in dirty clothes. Their plates didn't magically walk to the dishwasher, nothing to put a dinner on so, no dinner for them. WiFi stopped working and since nothing appears to be urgent or needs to be done in the house, it didn't get fixed...

ThisIsMeOrIsIt · 22/07/2020 08:54

I'd change the wifi password and give them x jobs to do and it'll only be turned on again when they're done.
Do they do their own washing, cooking, food/toiletries shopping etc? If they don't even help you do these things, they should be doing other jobs around the house. I'd be tempted to stop cooking and cleaning for them for a week or two. Yes, the house would be messier for a while, but perhaps worth it if it meant they started to take jobs seriously.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 22/07/2020 08:55

It never does, from what I’ve seen. It certainly didn’t work for me - I was just painted as a neglectful mother, instead.

00100001 · 22/07/2020 09:03

Early in when DS was unde a year, and I was on maternity leave, DH made the mistake of saying'but you're on leave, you don't work.'

So after fuming for a bit. I told him, 'fine, I'll stop doing everything I do and maybe you'll appreciate what I do?'.

So all I did was look after me and DS.

Didn't wash his clothes, hoover, tidy, cook, do bins, shopping... NOTHING!

The house was an utter crap hole in days. Dh fed himself toast for a few days until the bread ran out. Then wondered why there was no milk for his tea. Had no clean work shirts etc.

He apologised, and we put the house back to good, and has never once grumbled if I hadn't made dinner, or the washing was still in the basket etc

Elieza · 22/07/2020 09:12

Having lived together with an adult whose parents didn’t teach him housework I can confirm that if the kids arent taught how to and made to do their fair share they will turn into lazy adults who expect others (me) to take responsibility for housework and washings etc. while they don’t notice the hoovering needs done or bins emptied.

He made a bad job of things so I ended up redoing stuff. Or ‘forgot’ how to work the washing machine.

One of the reasons he is an ex.

Change the WiFi password to an appropriate message about sharing chores and switch off until everyone has done their bit at a set time.

After a while of chores being done well, they can be allowed to do ‘their bit’ at other times that suit them better, but if not done the WiFi goes off again.

Bad jobs will need to be redone. By them not you.

If you are very particular you may have to accept your standards slipping a bit. Things don’t have to be perfect, just done to a decent hygienic standard.

Maduixa · 22/07/2020 09:24

Dh has been looking after toddler doing all cooking, bathing etc and what he can teenagers have done nothing when I queried hadn’t he asked them he said no as they do Jobs badly (I think this is their tactic I said I always insist as they need to learn)

Even if you still had someone come in and do all the housework, they need to develop good personal habits. Some day they may be on their own without anyone catering to them. Your DH (and you, if you're able) needs to hold them accountable for doing each task/chore properly. Can he describe to them/show them what needs to be done, and offer to do it WITH them a time or two if they're not confident they can do it themselves? (And then if they still do it badly, immediately send them back to fix it - if they're taking the piss, make doing the chore properly - within reason, of course - they're not ninjas! - the easiest and most pleasant choice, as they'll get no peace until they do.)

I can’t live in such a mess 😟 I think I deserve some help.

Of course you do. It's not even "help", really - more like cooperation, and just a general agreement that it's everybody's responsibility to keep the house running. The problem that often happens, though, is that people have different ideas about what clean and tidy means. If you're more bothered by dirt and mess than the people you live with, you end up doing more work because others don't notice what needs to be done. I think the only solution to that is setting a schedule for doing each task and having a specific person responsible - rather than having someone responsible for doing it on an "as needed" basis.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/07/2020 09:40

Look back to when you ‘allowed’ your teens to do nothing......there’s the issue right there.

Original poster
FEdUpOf · 22/07/2020 10:11

I think it’s a case of being undermined when they were younger
For example as young children id give them some basic jobs to do tidy room and toys away etc and I would get back from work and be told by dm who looked after them that they had been ‘too tired’ and she told them it was my job anyway
Or dh who sees they will do a job badly so would rather then do it himself quicker than say to them no redo it
Which led to me getting a cleaner and the that made it worse but now even without a cleaner they won’t do more eg no clean plates or a cup ? They don’t do the dishwasher they wash 1 cup for example for themselves

OP posts:
pregnancydiet · 22/07/2020 10:46

There needs to be consequences. Tell them what you expect them to be in charge of (write it down if you have to). Let them know if they don't do these things then pocket money will be stopped / WiFi turned off / electronics confiscated etc

Original poster
FEdUpOf · 22/07/2020 10:49

Pocket money was stopped a while ago
Next thing will have to be WiFi I think

OP posts:
bonjonbovi · 22/07/2020 11:23

Switch the WI-FI off now. Make it a shot across their bows so to speak. Let them know that you are serious.

RandomMess · 22/07/2020 11:43

I reckon WiFi removal will work... do you pay their mobile phone bills - check their data allowance that they cannot run that up instead of WiFi!

tentative3 · 22/07/2020 12:18

If they only wash up for themselves then I wouldn't serve them any food if there's no clean plates. I might not even cook them any

Sexnotgender · 22/07/2020 12:28

Change the Wi-fi password and it needs to be earned back.

I have a whiteboard in the kitchen and I assign daily jobs to 16 year old DD. They also have a required time of completion.
I.e recycling and hoover upstairs hall 2pm.

If they aren’t completed she is fined, this impacts her pocket money.

LannieDuck · 22/07/2020 12:38

The problem is that it all defaults to you. If DH doesn't get them to do the chore, he isn't the one who ends up with it - you are. It's more effort for him to get them to do the chores than it is for him to just leave it because he knows you'll end up doing it eventually.

You need to delegate some of the chores to DH permanently. He can decide whether to do them himself, or make the kids help. But, however they get done, it's not going to be by you.

Justjoshin22 · 22/07/2020 13:07

What age are they? Teenagers are often lazy and need prompting, but it’s no excuse. It sounds like they have been getting away with this behaviour for a long time so it’s no wonder they didn’t step up when you were ill but it’s still disappointing.
I agree with the above, you need to take away something they value and see it through. Your chats aren’t getting through to them because they’re not taking it seriously. How are they more generally? Is this purely a housework thing or are they generally lazy and uncooperative?