To ask my mum for the spare key back to my flat?

[cleanfreak95]

Just looking for advice really as the last thing I want to do is upset my mum but I really am struggling with this situation. I moved out of my mums home 4 years ago, a few reasons why but mainly due to the fact that we didn’t get on at all under the same roof. Also because I suffer terribly with OCD - mainly cleaning, having things a particular way, objects in a certain place, certain routines and checking things etc. I’ve been this way since I was around 12/13 and I am now 25, not sure why or what started it. I can’t help it, it’s just the way I am and the way I like to live my life. I have tried therapy over the years but it didn’t help and I’ve learnt to live with it. It’s a lot easier now that I live on my own as I can have things a certain way and I pay for the privilege to do so. I do worry about what will happen once I meet someone and share a home with them, but I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge once I get to it.

My mum is a lot more relaxed when it comes to these sorts of things (which I have no issue with) now that we live apart but it was extremely difficult when we lived together. We constantly clashed and of course because it was her house I just had to put up and shut up. I was miserable for years because I always felt “dirty”. To clarify, her house isn’t/has never been dirty, it just isn’t how I clean a home but I don’t make her feel awful about it, although she claims I do. Anyway, as I said we get on much better now that we don’t live together. The issue now is that she comes into my flat and “tidies up” for me or rearranges things when I haven’t asked her to. For example, a plumber came last week as I had a leak in my bathroom and because I was in work all day, I needed someone to let him in so my mum offered to do it which I was grateful for. She then ended up cleaning my flat and moving things around so after a 10 hour shift I came home and ended up cleaning/sorting things back out for 2 hours before I could go to bed. I was shattered but couldn’t sleep/relax without sorting it first.

The same thing happened again today - her stepson has been using her internet recently to work from home as his isn’t powerful enough and because he arrives early in the morning she gets up early to greet him, so she asked me if she could have a quick nap in my house as she doesn’t like to nap when he’s there for some reason. I said of course but please just don’t clean or rearrange anything. To clarify, I always make her feel welcome and I am more than happy for her to eat/drink/sleep/whatever in my home, I just don’t want her to clean or move things around. I thought it would be easy enough to understand but she’s done it anyway! I came home tonight, again after a 10 hour shift and she’s folded and put all my washing away for me. Sounds great I know, but I had only hung it out to dry last night so there is no way it would have all dried by today. I ended up having to root through all my drawers and hang it all back out again as most of it was damp. Not sure how she didn’t notice when she was putting it all away.

I know it all comes from love and her wanting to be helpful and make my life easier but (as harsh as it sounds) it doesn’t, it makes my life harder because I have to put things right or back to how I like it. She knows I like things a certain way and that I get stressed when people mess with my things so I’m not sure why she feels the need to do this stuff. I will admit, I did snap at her tonight as I was so tired and just wanted to come home and relax but ended up having to mess around with the washing first. She saids I’m ungrateful because she’s “good enough” to come and let workmen in etc but her cleaning is shit apparently, her words not mine. I am very close to just asking her for the spare key back so then I don’t need to worry or feel on edge about her coming here but I imagine she will be very upset if I do. She gets very defensive when I bring it up. I love my mum but this is the very reason why I moved out in the first place, because I like things a certain way! I pay a lot of money every month to live here and I feel that the same rules should apply now, “my house, my rules” just like it did when I lived at home. I know people who suffer with OCD/ similar traits will understand. Any advice???

Just have your lock changed. It will take away the need to ask for your key back. Buy an anti-snap/anti-bump lock so that, if your mum finds out, you can say that you have changed your lock for a more secure one.

Ask for it back and tell her your key isn’t locking the the door properly.as to keeps sticking and then don’t give her it back.

I think you need to tell her why you want the key back. She must be aware that you moved out because you couldn’t live with her for this reason? So it won’t be too awful to tell her. Do you rent or own?

I feel for you as OCD can be very debilitating and your mum is showing a complete lack of regard for you and your mental health. Tell her to give the key back and explain why. Changing the locks will just lead to confrontation

One of the things you said really hit me, 'I don't make her feel awful about it, she claims I do'.

None of us can ever state how someone else feels in a way that our opinion of how they feel, actually trumps what they say they feel. If your mum says you make her feel awful, you make her feel awful.

I think my mum and my lack of respect of boundaries used to be like this.

Mum's interfere. It takes time to gently readress the balance and find a new harmony. Your mum was genuinely trying to help. You didn't solicit that help and it created work for you. My mum has a habit of doing this to and I left home 28 years ago!

In the knowledge that my mum likes to be busy I ensure any activities left out are things she can do without causing me disruption. In my case I found ironing quite a good 'if you want to help...' task. Cleaning the floors another one. I feel the rage if she goes near my windows - they never look dirty till she cleans them. It's like a spoof window clean with smears all over them. I have to redo them straight away. If there are any dishes out in the kitchen she rinsed them, then they need to be washed as her eyesight is now poor and rinsing is not washing. If she puts stuff away i have to search the house top to bottom for them next time i want to use them.

At the end of the day you have to weigh up the advantages of having someone be able to let a Plummer in at short notice against the inevitable that favour is balanced out by having to undo her help at the end of that day.

Your mum is bang out of order and despite you being clear about what you need (you seem quite open about it and yet you're very welcoming - I won't let my mum sleep over, not even at Christmas. Fuck that) anyway she clearly doesn't respect you. Change the locks and also no more favours as she's using them to control you. Good luck op.

I should add my mum would never help me clean up, she'd probably comment on the mess. I just won't let her sleep over because she nit picks and stresses me the fuck out. I

Good idea about the locks but not sure if I'd be allowed to change them as I currently rent. Also she might just ask for a new key and then what do I say? Another poster said about being honest, maybe that is the best approach, even though it probably will upset her.

@Shizzlestix yes she knows this is the reason why I moved out so not entirely sure why she's carrying on now that I have my own place.

@sunflowersandtulips50 thank you. It's been really difficult over the years, especially when I lived at home. She always made me feel like there was something wrong with me (but maybe she didn't mean to). She forced me into therapy, it's not something I wanted to do or felt comfortable with. Having to try and explain my feelings or thought process to a complete stranger. I think she thought by me speaking to someone it might change me or how I felt about cleaning, didn't work though. I only did it to keep the peace but it never worked.

@RippleEffects thank you for your message. I understand where you're coming from. I know it comes from her wanting to be helpful and make my life easier, but the reality is it really really doesn't. It makes it a lot harder for me. It's not disruption. It completely stresses me out to the point where I can't relax or sleep because I feel things aren't right or in their place after she's been around and messed with things. My anxiety goes through the roof and it gets to the point where I'd rather not even be in the flat altogether. It's so much more than just "disruption".

Given your update ie she knows why you moved out, I think she’s extremely unreasonable to tidy! Are you confident enough to say ‘I need my key back’ and tell her why when she inevitably asks why?

You can change the lock as long as you replace it with the original when you leave (or explain to your ll and give them the new keys why you go) If you don’t tell her, tho, she’ll still think she has access.

She’ll be upset if you tell her why, but she clearly didn’t care about upsetting you, did she?

You sound like hard work and very ungrateful. If you dont want your mum doing things in the flat dont ask her to do you favours like being there for the plumber.
Take a days annual leave instead.

@Shizzlestix yes I think I can be honest with her and tell her. She knows why anyway so it's just reiterating it to her basically. It always ends in an argument though, every single time. This is what I'm afraid of, a screaming match. I really don't want/need the stress and I'm sure she doesn't either but I can't live life this. I can't even enjoy my own home anymore.

Aaah the “my house, my rules” statement. Amusing when a parent has thrown this around for rules and then said child has their own place. Suddenly the parent doesn’t like that concept and gets aggravated! I feel for you, my Mum wants “my house, my rules” at her house but doesn’t like it when l do the same. In the past she has re-arranged things as they “look better that way”. Errr it doesn’t though and lm now going to proceed to move it all back. You have my sympathy, it’s time to ask for the key back if she can’t respect your boundaries

@Barryisland I take it you've never met anyone who suffers with OCD?

There is a huge difference between asking someone to let a plumber in and asking them to clean and rearrange their whole house.

Nasty comment and really ignorant actually!

YANBU. You’ve asked her not to move/clean yet she continues, so she’s purposefully ignoring your boundaries and putting her needs above yours (even if she claims to be doing it for you). She also presumably understands the extent of your OCD so that’s an extra layer of disregarding your needs.

We obviously don’t fully understand the dynamic of your relationship from a couple of posts so I wouldn’t want to make assumptions but I do wonder if there’s an element of her wanting to be in control and perhaps showing she knows best. People often get defensive if they’re know they’re in the wrong but don’t want to back down, which is possibly why she reacts so strongly when you challenge her.

It sounds like it might be better for you personally and your relationship if you took the key back and only had her round when you’re there. I appreciate this might upset her initially but if these visits while you’re away cause you to feel great stress and anxiety then you shouldn’t have to keep them up solely to keep her happy.

If you don’t scream back, she’ll feel like an idiot. Do you think you can keep calm and not let it descend into screaming? Or invite her over and take her key as she opens the door, just say you need it back. When she asks why, calmly tell her you can’t cope/no longer want her to come in and ‘tidy’?

I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of having a screaming match, she seems to want to upset you, be controlled if possible and don’t let her wind you up.

The only solution is ask for key back and not ask for her help in future with tradesmen appointments and such.

However, if you are thinking of having kids at any point in the future, you might want to revisit therapy.
Originally it probably didn't work because u were forced into it by your mum and didn't want to work on the issue. First step is to accept that you have an issue and desire to change it. That can't happen if. U force someone to do therapy.

Also keep in mind, that OCD does have the tendency to get worse/more complex, and it's harden and harder to deal with it the longer you leave it untreated. As a side benefit, it would Lso help with the relationship with your mum 😂

I would say I was feeling anxious and that having my key back would make me feel better. Take the focus off her and onto you. Then politely repeat "can I have my key back please" until you get it, followed by a "great thanks" after. If she says she doesn't feel welcome, just say you will invite her over regularly, but need your key back.

Whenever she increases your anxiety focus on the practical things you need. Don't be tripped up into listening to moaning.

Whilst I think she is wrong to do things in your house when you’ve asked her not to, I think she’s really worried about your OCD and how it’s affecting your life. Sadly therapy won’t change anything if you don’t engage with it. Can you see how much it’s dominating your life? It’s the biggest issue between you and your mum. You’re concerned about it’s possible effect on a future relationship. Please think about going to your GP again.

I’d change the locks and tell her you’ve done so.

Your mother actually sounds really unkind actually. She’s aware she’s causing you distress, so much so that it drove you out of her house and yet she’s trying to continue the behaviour in your own home.

She’s not be second in my home if she repeatedly behaved that way. And who the hell puts away damp washing anyway. Especially if it’s not even your washing or house. Just why? It would all end up stinking and making everything else smell and need to be washed all over again.

@Cloudfrost yes I agree it does get worse as time goes on or at least it has with me. When I was younger I use to hoover twice/three times a day, change the bed sheets every couple of days and wipe the surfaces every couple of hours. 12 years later it's checking things a 100 times, like the oven, taps to make sure I haven't left the water running. I'm terrible with my car, I will check the hand break a few times before I come into the house. I will admit, It's extremely draining at times. I do wish I could be "normal" and not care about these things but it's just who I am. I've been this way for so long now, I'm not sure I can change. I do worry how I will cope once I have kids and a partner. I can't expect everyone to live the same way I do, I know that but I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that change just yet

I I agree with Cloudfrost. OCD is incredibly debilitating but the real problem comes when you allow it to develop. Unless you intend to live alone for the rest of your life, there will come a time when it will create serious issues in your life. For instance, arranging a wedding, having children, changing jobs. Any anxiety is likely to antagonise your condition and make it worse. Today you can't sleep because the washing isn't where you like it. Tomorrow you can't leave the house because you haven't done your mental checks of each room consistently enough and have to keep restarting.

It's hard to hear and even harder to accept but each time you reinforce the obsession you strengthen the belief that it is necessary in order to be calm. And you will develop new routines and requirements to keep achieving the same feeling of calm.

Without wishing to sound like just another nag, you really need to look within and decide where you want to be in the future. You can overcome this or at least get it well under control but it requires acceptance on your part that you want to change it and then a lot of hard work.

As for your mum, she loves you and is desperate to show you how much. She knows you like things tidy so tries to help. Honestly the best thing to do is grit your teeth and thank her. Because you won't always have your mum and I bet she feels like she failed every day wondering how the hell she let this happen. Because us mothers carry guilt about everything. Any mistake you make we ask ourselves what we could have done differently.

It comes down to asking what is more important. Your relationship with your mum or your relationship with a toxic condition.

I feel for you OP as you have a hard path ahead and just maybe having your mum along for the rise will be a comfort one day.

I was even given the opportunity to move in with my sister last year so that I could save for a mortgage as I've been really struggling to save up a deposit whilst paying rent and bills every month on 1 income and I had to turn her down as I knew I wouldn't be able to cope living with someone else, especially since it can take years to save up for a mortgage. I knew I would struggle but I have thought how many people would turn down such an amazing offer.

Also she might just ask for a new key and then what do I say?

You're a grown woman, so tell the truth. You no longer wish for her to have a key because she doesn't respect your boundaries.

I wonder if some posters would reply in the same way if OP was for example visually impaired and her mum kept moving furniture/things and OP ends up bumping into them or not finding what she needs.
Or if she was diabetic and mum moved her emergency food/drink stash or messed with her equipment.
Or if she was hearing impaired and mum changed all the settings on her gadgets.

@OP , I think it would be a good idea to see your GP and have a chat with them, for your own sake not anyone else's. You deserve to have a better quality of life, more time etc. Seeking help doesn't mean your mum was right in the past or now.

I would tell your mum straight "I get you're trying to be helpful, but what you did means I can't actually relax or sleep when I get home . I've been cleaning/sorting/doing laundry for the past two hours and it's draining. You're more than welcome here anytime, but please remember that what you consider helping causes me stress and makes more work for me". Then if you're feeling particularly generous give her one more chance before asking for the key back.