To ask my mum for the spare key back to my flat?

[cleanfreak95]

Just looking for advice really as the last thing I want to do is upset my mum but I really am struggling with this situation. I moved out of my mums home 4 years ago, a few reasons why but mainly due to the fact that we didn’t get on at all under the same roof. Also because I suffer terribly with OCD - mainly cleaning, having things a particular way, objects in a certain place, certain routines and checking things etc. I’ve been this way since I was around 12/13 and I am now 25, not sure why or what started it. I can’t help it, it’s just the way I am and the way I like to live my life. I have tried therapy over the years but it didn’t help and I’ve learnt to live with it. It’s a lot easier now that I live on my own as I can have things a certain way and I pay for the privilege to do so. I do worry about what will happen once I meet someone and share a home with them, but I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge once I get to it.

My mum is a lot more relaxed when it comes to these sorts of things (which I have no issue with) now that we live apart but it was extremely difficult when we lived together. We constantly clashed and of course because it was her house I just had to put up and shut up. I was miserable for years because I always felt “dirty”. To clarify, her house isn’t/has never been dirty, it just isn’t how I clean a home but I don’t make her feel awful about it, although she claims I do. Anyway, as I said we get on much better now that we don’t live together. The issue now is that she comes into my flat and “tidies up” for me or rearranges things when I haven’t asked her to. For example, a plumber came last week as I had a leak in my bathroom and because I was in work all day, I needed someone to let him in so my mum offered to do it which I was grateful for. She then ended up cleaning my flat and moving things around so after a 10 hour shift I came home and ended up cleaning/sorting things back out for 2 hours before I could go to bed. I was shattered but couldn’t sleep/relax without sorting it first.

The same thing happened again today - her stepson has been using her internet recently to work from home as his isn’t powerful enough and because he arrives early in the morning she gets up early to greet him, so she asked me if she could have a quick nap in my house as she doesn’t like to nap when he’s there for some reason. I said of course but please just don’t clean or rearrange anything. To clarify, I always make her feel welcome and I am more than happy for her to eat/drink/sleep/whatever in my home, I just don’t want her to clean or move things around. I thought it would be easy enough to understand but she’s done it anyway! I came home tonight, again after a 10 hour shift and she’s folded and put all my washing away for me. Sounds great I know, but I had only hung it out to dry last night so there is no way it would have all dried by today. I ended up having to root through all my drawers and hang it all back out again as most of it was damp. Not sure how she didn’t notice when she was putting it all away.

I know it all comes from love and her wanting to be helpful and make my life easier but (as harsh as it sounds) it doesn’t, it makes my life harder because I have to put things right or back to how I like it. She knows I like things a certain way and that I get stressed when people mess with my things so I’m not sure why she feels the need to do this stuff. I will admit, I did snap at her tonight as I was so tired and just wanted to come home and relax but ended up having to mess around with the washing first. She saids I’m ungrateful because she’s “good enough” to come and let workmen in etc but her cleaning is shit apparently, her words not mine. I am very close to just asking her for the spare key back so then I don’t need to worry or feel on edge about her coming here but I imagine she will be very upset if I do. She gets very defensive when I bring it up. I love my mum but this is the very reason why I moved out in the first place, because I like things a certain way! I pay a lot of money every month to live here and I feel that the same rules should apply now, “my house, my rules” just like it did when I lived at home. I know people who suffer with OCD/ similar traits will understand. Any advice???

As for your mum, she loves you and is desperate to show you how much.

How can you possibly know that?

Perhaps a first step would be to look into the different kinds of therapy and do mind exercises by yourself about the obsseive thoughts. Ask yourself things like what am I worried about specifically, what will happen if I don't follow my compulsion etc.
Some people can get cured but others don't through therapy, but at the very least it could help you by giving you some relief, make the anxiety less or help with some aspects. It must be a scary thought I am sure that u might go to therapy and bam suddenly u might be cured from this thing that has defined your life for so long. But it's a process, u won't be cured just like that, if at all. But even a little win could help, like if u only cleaned a few times a day rather than a 100, etc

Take a small step and read about therapy, find out what mental exercises you can do yourself to help you manage it, and work on the courage and will to get some help on it.

I know u said its a bridge you will cross when it comes to it, but it's good to start building the bridge first stone by stone, slowly and steadily. It's not like one day u will be able to flip a switch and decide you don't want to be like this anymore because u met someone. And even then, it wouldn't work very well if u tried changing for someone else.

I am just going on and on sorry lol
Perhaps your mum's behaviour comes from worry about your ocd. Could it be that she thinks she can "fix" you by deliberately moving things and doing things not your way? Like when people have a phobia usual treatment is exposure therapy (gradually expose yourself to the object of your fears-if afraid of spiders u start from thinking about them, to looking at pics, to being in same room etc). Any chance she might think that doing this would help you and that's why she acts like this?

If yes, then talk to her and tell her you know she loves you and cares about you, and she is worried about you and she is trying to help you in many ways. And as much as you are grateful, what she is doing has opposite effect and is making you very anxious and stressed and less likely to ever go and seek help about. Ifshhe really wants j to get better she needs to let you deal with it in your own time frame.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble there is literally to comparison to the things you mention and ocd...

The things you mention are not things one can change, ocd is something that in some cases can be controlled ar even cured.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

As for your mum, she loves you and is desperate to show you how much.

How can you possibly know that?

Because OP states her mum is doing it out of love. As PP said, OCD is not an incurable disease. It is a mental health condition which absolutely can be treated, if not cured it can be controlled. If the slightest change sets of OP whilst she is still relatively young she sets herself up for an incredibly tough and stressful, anxious life if she does nothing to address it. Locking her mum out of her life only affords the condition more control and more power. Isolating herself and shutting out her mother looks to me to only serve to worsen the condition and isolate the OP

Random thought but could your mum have ocd tendencies too and can't help but rearrange your house? Like some of your behaviour might have been learnt from her? I only think that as to arrange someone's house seems quite extreme ( like putting away a few dishes or the washing are small jobs sort of thing).

There's no cure for OCD. It can be treated, it can get better, it can even stop affecting someone's life, but if they stop using their coping tools/skills or their medication they are at risk of relapse. It'll always be in the background. There is also research that indicates it can be genetic in some cases and there's definitely no curing that.

I really do hope OP seeks further help and support from her GP for her own sake though.

@RippleEffects

One of the things you said really hit me, 'I don't make her feel awful about it, she claims I do'.

None of us can ever state how someone else feels in a way that our opinion of how they feel, actually trumps what they say they feel. If your mum says you make her feel awful, you make her feel awful.

I think my mum and my lack of respect of boundaries used to be like this.

Mum's interfere. It takes time to gently readress the balance and find a new harmony. Your mum was genuinely trying to help. You didn't solicit that help and it created work for you. My mum has a habit of doing this to and I left home 28 years ago!

In the knowledge that my mum likes to be busy I ensure any activities left out are things she can do without causing me disruption. In my case I found ironing quite a good 'if you want to help...' task. Cleaning the floors another one. I feel the rage if she goes near my windows - they never look dirty till she cleans them. It's like a spoof window clean with smears all over them. I have to redo them straight away. If there are any dishes out in the kitchen she rinsed them, then they need to be washed as her eyesight is now poor and rinsing is not washing. If she puts stuff away i have to search the house top to bottom for them next time i want to use them.

At the end of the day you have to weigh up the advantages of having someone be able to let a Plummer in at short notice against the inevitable that favour is balanced out by having to undo her help at the end of that day.

I expect the OP meant she is not responsible for her mother's feelings, not that she is invalidating them.

I feel for you. My mum has OCD and she's the only that cleans her house. Her DH isn't allowed to help apart from the dishes. Not that she's ungrateful but if its not done properly she has to redo it. She works really long hours and is up by 5.30 every morning to clean the house. You need to ask your mother for the spare key back, its up to you whether you make an excuse or be honest about it.