Is an 18 year age gap between children too much?

[Biggem36]

Hi, what is the biggest age gap between children? I'm 35 and have been with my partner for 17 years. I have a daughter from a previous who is 18 in a few months. OH has no children. Lately I have felt that I have left it too late to have another child as the age gap would be too big and it would feel like parent and child for my daughter rather than sisters. But I have this longing for another child that I want to have with my OH and to give him a child. Its something we've never talked about and the years have just passed. OH adopted my daughter so as far as hes concerned, she's his. He raised her. Now I feel like I have left it too late for us to have more children.

You haven’t left it too late at all, a sibling would just grow up more separately to your first but that is ok.
The most important thing seems finding out how your OH feels as it seems a big thing to never have discussed?

(We have a similar age gap in our wider family and I’m fact the siblings are very close as for various reasons the eldest hasn’t left home)

There’s 20+ years between me and my sibling. I mean, we aren’t like siblings. I’m just a surrogate mother.

My DM has said she would never recommend going back to child rearing after a long hiatus. She feels she’s reared children for her entire adult life (she has!) so on that basis, I wouldn’t have another one personally.

I wonder if it’s your DD becoming an adult, possibly off to Uni soon, that’s prompting your feelings? Why don’t you see how you feel in a year?

Mine are 22, 16 and 2. Similar to you my DP had no children of his own so we went for it. You need to speak to him and find out how he feels.

My eldest is definitely not like a mother to the youngest, she has her own life to lead, but she is a great sister

I have 16 years between oldest and youngest but have one in the middle.
Oldest and middle now grown and living in their own homes and youngest in High school, they seem to treat her like an adult now, when tiny, they did baby her and give her anything she wanted.
She did annoy them as all siblings do. They think of her as lil sis.
I feel like I've been parenting forever.

My brother is 18 years younger than me. I love him to bits. Despite the age gap he feels very much a sibling. Shared parents, experiences over time etc create that bond. You're only 35, not even old to have another - I wouldn't let this be a barrier.

Well I think with an age gap of 18 years, you'd have to accept that they won't have a typical, growing up together sibling relationship but that doesn't mean they won't have a good relationship or you've left it too late

I actually think a very large gap is better than a large gap. I've 13 years between mine and tbh they have never been close because of the age gap (a 13 Yr old has no interest in a baby but a 18 Yr old might).

You are 35 not 45. Go for it if you both want one.

My husband and I have a 3, 7 and 9 year old and he has a 26 year old from before we met!

You haven’t left it too late st all!

I have siblings that are 18 years older than me. We're close and good friends. We regularly meet for lunch, coffee, etc,

How old your other child is is really irrelevant they won’t have a parent / child relationship unless you allow your older child to step into that role . They obviously won’t have the same sort of sibling relationship as siblings of similar ages but that’s not necessarily a bad thing and they can still have a lovely relationship . If you want another child go for it whilst you are still young enough .

I have a brother 19 years younger than me and a sister 21 years younger I was the youngest before they were born . We have a great relationship closer probably than some kids as I was old enough to bring them out and spend time with them doing things they enjoyed and now I have children they are great with them as they are preteens they will sit and play with them . If you really want to have more don’t let it be a reason to hold you back .

The age gap is irrelevant in all this. What matters is that you want to "give" a baby to your partner when he's never asked for one. You've never even had a conversation about it. Before you get carried away you really need to talk to him. He may very well not want a baby.

Given you are still quite young I don't think you have left it too late, but it does seem really unusual that you have been with your partner for a huge 17 years and this has never been discussed or decided on until now? Are you sure this isn't just your biological clock/hormones? The bond between teen and new siblings is often a really special one through the youngest childhood, the younger one likely to idolise the older and the older has more of a protective/fun role and then this changes into more of a normal sibling relationship once the youngest is an adult, in my personal experience and those I've observed. So I don't think it's too late given your age.

My DS1's lovely DP is OP's age, and her first DC is 18. She is pregnant and due before the end of the year. But she has two others in between.

I was 18 when my brother was born. He's now 13 and we have always been close and he's a very much adoring big uncle for my son who is 2.. He loves the responsibility of looking after (playing) ds in the park or soft play which is otherwise too old/ cool for 😂
Definitely not too big a gap if it is what you and dh want.

You're only 35. If your partner wants a child as much as you do then go for it. Just don't expect the 18 year old to help with babysitting and childcare. At 18 she will want to go out with her friends, be off to university etc.

There’s a similar age gap between me and my brother, and we’ve always been close. I used to sleep over at his house sometimes once he moved out, and I felt so grown up. We’d rent films and order pizza. He’d take me to the waterpark. Once I grew up and got married etc, we’d do games nights with our two families. It’s always been great.

My eldest was 18 when my youngest was born. They have a good relationship, although the eldest now has dc of his own

I'd say of my 4 ds2 who is now 17 and ds3 9 have the best relationship. He loves taking him out and doing things with him.

Aquamarine1029 yeah I totally get that. Understandbly its a two way conversation before any decision is made, but my emotions are all over the place trying to work out whether to speak to him about children or leave things as they are because of such a big age gap. Hes always been the sort to go along with life and what happens happens. Ive always had a good contraception.

There are 20 years between my older brother and me and 10 years between my middle brother, my mum had me at 40 and was also a grandma that year too. I felt pushed out and unloved most of my life. I know I was a mistake...

My friend has a daughter of 30 from her first marriage, and a 10 year old from her second.

You’re still young and your 18 your old is, or will soon be, living her own life. I’d say it’s a much better situation than if DD was 14/15 If it’s what you want then go for it!

Why do want to "give" a baby to someone who never asked for one? And "going with the flow" sounds like "forgetting" your birth control for that oops baby.