To feel overwhelmed by husband’s family

[Babygirl2020]

I’m 27 and nearly 24 weeks pregnant with my first baby... I am finding the whole thing quite hard. For background: I’ve suffered with anxiety for many years, had anorexia as a teenager, lost my mum to a particularly distressing illness when i was 19 and been abused by my alcoholic father leading to ptsd. I also have an autoimmune illness.

As much as I want my baby, the whole thing is quite anxiety provoking for me and it isn’t easy. ..

I have no family except for my father who is difficult and our relationship can’t recover from what he has done. My dh has both his parents and 3 older sisters, one of whom has two children. Since they found out I’m pregnant, I have found them overbearing. Even before I was pregnant, his mum would constantly ask me every time we saw them when I was going to have a baby (virtually from as soon as we got married) which used to get on my nerves as was struggling with both physical and mental illness. I get that she is excited but don’t feel like she has any sympathy or understanding of my feelings because she had 4 kids and clearly thinks it’s no big deal.

Also, nearly every day, one of his sisters buys more things for the baby/asks me if i like x, y, z and that they’ll buy it and I always feel obliged to say i like it even if i don’t because i don’t want to offend them... so now we have a ridiculous amount of stuff for our daughter which obviously i know we’ll need loads but i just feel a bit left out in that I’ve hardly bought her anything... it’s like everyone else is choosing stuff for me. Yesterday we met up with his parents and his mum said i want to take you in boots to choose a baby blanket... went into boots and she basically chose a pink one (they didn’t have a big selection) and that was it. I know she’s just trying to be nice but...

Also, they have planned to visit right at the start of December along with one of his sisters and her husband. They live 200 miles away so will be staying with us and my baby is due 13th November and I just feel like i might not want them all to stay... it would be different if they just lived round the corner and could pop over for a few hours but it’s not like that.

I told my dh I might not want them that soon and then he asked me how soon after birth I’d have them come and i said maybe 1-2 weeks for a visit and he acted like they should be able to come the same day...?

I also feel like they’ll be down here most weekends and I just feel totally swamped and no one seems to understand my feelings...

I’m also planning a homebirth and mil said to me yesterday that she could be there if i wanted... for me that’s a definite no. I also just want MY mum but of course, she’s dead.

Sorry for the rant but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable as this is all new to me

I had a similar upbringing to you, mum died when I was young, df an alcoholic too. I think a lot of people on here will tell you that your in laws are over stepping the mark, but that's from their own perspective of having a loving, involved family. I actually think that whilst it may seem over whelming now, you're actually really lucky that they're excited for you and are supportive. Yes, your mil may have over stepped the mark with the offer to be at the birth, but she might have had good intentions and just wanted to offer her support. She's the only grandma your dc will know...like I said, my mum is dead and my mil couldn't careless about her gc...I think in future, you'll be grateful that your dc will have a loving, involved extended family.

But with them coming to visit, I think it's perfectly fine to suggest they stay in a hotel or something...it's your home and you'll need some peace and quiet to rest.

I agree with the poster above.

However, I would add that there is no way in hell I'd have ANYONE staying over at my house soon after childbirth!

Your hormones are all over the place, you'll be sleep deprived, baby will wake up every couple of hours wanting fed......not a great recipe for being a "host".

I spent the first month after childbirth in casual "lounge wear" and didn't socialise much at all. I just went to the doctors surgery, and daily walks through the local park with the pram. It took me time to get into routine and I was happy to do that at my leisure without entertaining guests!

Of course yanbu. But this problem isnt going to disappear by itself. So you need DH to tell them. Hey DM we love that youre so excited about the baby and so keen to be involved but its all getting a bit much for Babygirl atm. Please could you not buy anything else or plan anything until she gives the go ahead.

Do they know about your anxiety and family background? My guess is that theyve filed that info away without really thinking about how it connects to your now. So he might have to remind them of that.

Also is there one "big" purchase you would allow them to soften the blow a bit? A pram is a good one.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale they’ve already paid half the money towards the pram/carry cot etc set... and that was fine because we chose it. But it’s all the other things and the feeling that they’re constantly telling me how to do everything. Also doesn’t help that one of his sisters cant have children so she is probably buying loads of stuff as if it was her having the baby

YANBU, but you and your DH need to sit down and agree to be on the same page, and set boundaries ASAP.
If something makes you anxious or uncomfortable, then you’d shouldn’t feel pressured into it, however your DH is just as excited and probably wants to share the time with his family too so compromise is needed.

I don’t understand the point about the baby blanket though, why does it matter if she bought something that’s just bog standard? It doesn’t have to be a particularly special one, just a spare.

@Watermelontea yes we do but dont feel like we are on the same page so it’s hard. It’s not so much about the baby blanket, it’s the fact she said let’s go into boots and choose a blanket and then we went in and she chose nearly everything (ended up buying more than just a blanket) it’s like its her baby, not mine

@Babygirl2020 - Yes, but it’s a gift. If she’d have bought it and just given it to you, she would still have chosen it, so just accept it as what it is, a gift.
Honestly I know getting loads of stuff can be stressful, especially when you know what you want and you feel like they’re trying to muscle in on a special time for you and your DH, but if you don’t like them then use it once, take a photo of them in the clothes or it being used, then donate to a charity or women’s aid shelter.

Plus it sounds like you’ve not actually told them you want to be the one to buy these things or said no, and neither has your DH, so how can they know you don’t want them to be giving you gifts?

YANBU, but you do need to stand your ground and your dh needs to go by what you say as you are the one who will be recovering, trying to bond with your baby.
Your dh needs to sort this out and somewhere for them to stay, unless you want them all at your house.
Speak to him and tell the family no, you don't like something, or you want to buy it yourself.
Otherwise you are going to be back in no time complaining how you never see your baby, or they are still being overbearing. Your dh is the biggest problem though, not his family.

@Watermelontea yes i take your point it was a gift but it’s more the fact that once we were in the shop she did all the choosing. No true we haven’t said because i don’t like offending people but i know i certainly wouldn't be buying the amount they are if it was one of them having a baby because i would feel like it was ott

Unfortunately you have to tell your DH to get on the same page as you and stop being mr nice guy. You need to be a United front, simply say no. “I’ve already seen a blanket/cot/pram I like” or “we are planning on shopping the two of us for that”- make your feelings clear.

My relationship with my in laws has drastically changed since I had DD, I’ve had to speak up and make my feelings known - however DH is completely supportive of me. Your the mother of his child and your family the three of you needs to be the priority. Don’t say “I might not want them there that soon” say “we are happy to have visitors for a short visit after a week at home(or however long) but not staying in our house for a while” don’t leave things open. I get the feeling your niceness and eagerness to keep the peace will be taken advantage of, you only get this time once so I think it’s time for a chat with your DH!

Agree with PP, you need DH onside here.

Also, you need to pick your battles. I suspect you would feel less aggrieved about the small things (MIL buying a blanket) if the Big things were resolved.

So - set your boundaries. If they live so far away, then it's reasonable they don't want to pop in for the day, but send them details of some nearby B&Bs/Hotels/Air BNB.

If you want to choose a hill to die on I would make it that one - nobody staying in your home whilst you recover from the birth and get your head around parenthood. That would be non negotiable for me in your shoes.

Tell you husband to make sure he takes off the time that his DPs, DS and BIL visit as he will be doing all the hosting, not you. If you go overdue, which is not uncommon with first babies, then you may have a very new born and still establishing BF and recovering, so you should not be looking after 4 extra people. It will also be horrible if they keep trying to take the baby to cuddle it when you're trying to bond in the first days/weeks. I hope if they do visit then it will be restricted to a maximum of a couple of days?

@formerbabe

But with them coming to visit, I think it's perfectly fine to suggest they stay in a hotel or something...it's your home and you'll need some peace and quiet to rest.

I agree. Hotel or air Bnb .

Other than that, sounds like they are just trying to be warmly welcoming to you and the baby and because you're not used to that it all feels a bit too much. But it also sounds as if they are so goodhearted generous and caring, they would help and change, if you could just TELL them exactly how you're feeling, and take it from there. If you can't face it, ask DP to do it on your behalf

Having too many baby clothes/blankets doesn't matter at all and it certainly needn't deter you from buying your own ; so that's something to stop worrying about. When they see baby wearing your taste they'll get the message.

Give yourself time; as your baby grows up you'll be so glad to have all that back-up and interest.

Sorry but all I read is a loving supporting family trying to step up and show you they love and care for you and baby and you can say I don't need anymore stuff and on the birthing mil issue I had mine there honestly she was the best person to be there i have no family myself was abused growing up suffer all like you it sound like you don't understand family every much and maybe need to try and bond more and learn yo say no thank you ❤

defo to b and b though if they want yo come up and stay just explain they if baby is late etc you will not have the energy to host them

@Hamm87 maybe i dont but that’s because i have no family and have never been supported. Fair enough if you felt like that about your mil but I’m very private and there’s no way i want her there.

OK OP, here is the good news, just because someone buys you something you don't have to use it. Nod graciously and pop it on the pile in the spare bedroom.

Next talk to you husband, this is your first baby and this will be a special time for both of you. You certainly don't want or need house guests within two weeks of your birth... so add two weeks to the due date and two weeks after that. If his parents come, he will need to be at home to look after them.

At the end of the day, it is your baby, not their's. Enjoy your pregnancy but sort this out now rather than after the birth.

You need to assert yourself and stop worrying about offending these people. It’s clear that your DH’s family mean well, at least they don’t sound abusive.

There is literally no point in spending your life resenting them trying to be supportive whilst never speaking up for yourself if you are going to end up bitter and twisted and probably due to your own lack of drawing boundaries.

Just because you think, ‘I wouldn’t do X, Y, Z thing..’ - doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t, so you can’t expect people to mind-read.

Aside from this, have you looked into some grief counselling / support following your mum’s death? This will have had a huge affect on you. Which may lead to you resenting your inlaws more because really they represent what you no longer have from your own mum. Harsh to consider, but potentially quite a likelihood. It would be sad for you to go through the rest of your pregnancy, relationship and life allowing undealt with grief to colour everything good.

Good luck with everything x

They are probably trying to be extra nice and family-ish because they know you don't have that from your side. It's sweet really and they could be far worse!

I would not be happy about them visiting when the baby is 2 weeks old though, be firm with your DH and get him to change it to a visit in the new year? You don't know how long your recovery will take and you will still be getting into a routine with baby, you don't need extra people in your house.

If you aren't willing to speak up then are you expecting them to psychically know that you're offended by them being generous and trying to help?

I'm afraid either you speak up or you put up. Those are the adult options sadly.

I agree that they might well be trying extra hard because they're sad that you have no-one else.
I wonder if your DH is able to tactfully explain to them that, much as you appreciate their enthusiasm, because of your lack of experience with family support, you find it a bit overwhelming? And ask them to follow your lead rather than jump in?

YANBU but you must start to speak up and not just stand by while the family get carried away. Maybe DH could say to them that you have so many Baby clothes now you are running out of storage. What I’m wondering is what you have bought yourself, why don’t you just go and buy what you would like without other family members present? Yes, they’re over excited, but babies grow so fast they are out of the tiny clothes in no time and then they can be put away or as PP says, donated. Make sure there are photos of baby wearing them. It is good to have lots of spares because they get sick and poo leaks on them and this can provide the excuse of ‘being in the wash’ while baby wears the things you chose.

I wonder why they are planning to come to visit two weeks after your due date, when the actual birth could happen anytime two weeks before or after that? Surely they should wait until baby is here? You don’t have to have anyone at your delivery except DH. Maybe they are trying to make up for your lack of family, but they are being a bit OTT. They shouldn’t be staying with you straight after the birth though, I agree about the hotel.

...and if you want to stem the buying, just say that you appreciate their generosity, but you're uncomfortable about having a lot of stuff before the baby's safely born, and can they now wait until she's here. That was the norm when I had my children, and presumably when your MIL had hers - so it's perfectly okay to say you don't want to have any more in the house until after the birth.