To feel overwhelmed by husband’s family

[Babygirl2020]

I’m 27 and nearly 24 weeks pregnant with my first baby... I am finding the whole thing quite hard. For background: I’ve suffered with anxiety for many years, had anorexia as a teenager, lost my mum to a particularly distressing illness when i was 19 and been abused by my alcoholic father leading to ptsd. I also have an autoimmune illness.

As much as I want my baby, the whole thing is quite anxiety provoking for me and it isn’t easy. ..

I have no family except for my father who is difficult and our relationship can’t recover from what he has done. My dh has both his parents and 3 older sisters, one of whom has two children. Since they found out I’m pregnant, I have found them overbearing. Even before I was pregnant, his mum would constantly ask me every time we saw them when I was going to have a baby (virtually from as soon as we got married) which used to get on my nerves as was struggling with both physical and mental illness. I get that she is excited but don’t feel like she has any sympathy or understanding of my feelings because she had 4 kids and clearly thinks it’s no big deal.

Also, nearly every day, one of his sisters buys more things for the baby/asks me if i like x, y, z and that they’ll buy it and I always feel obliged to say i like it even if i don’t because i don’t want to offend them... so now we have a ridiculous amount of stuff for our daughter which obviously i know we’ll need loads but i just feel a bit left out in that I’ve hardly bought her anything... it’s like everyone else is choosing stuff for me. Yesterday we met up with his parents and his mum said i want to take you in boots to choose a baby blanket... went into boots and she basically chose a pink one (they didn’t have a big selection) and that was it. I know she’s just trying to be nice but...

Also, they have planned to visit right at the start of December along with one of his sisters and her husband. They live 200 miles away so will be staying with us and my baby is due 13th November and I just feel like i might not want them all to stay... it would be different if they just lived round the corner and could pop over for a few hours but it’s not like that.

I told my dh I might not want them that soon and then he asked me how soon after birth I’d have them come and i said maybe 1-2 weeks for a visit and he acted like they should be able to come the same day...?

I also feel like they’ll be down here most weekends and I just feel totally swamped and no one seems to understand my feelings...

I’m also planning a homebirth and mil said to me yesterday that she could be there if i wanted... for me that’s a definite no. I also just want MY mum but of course, she’s dead.

Sorry for the rant but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable as this is all new to me

OP my DM died when I was a teenager and that has resulted in me being self reliant and private (I am now 50 with 2 teenagers). DH comes from a huge family (in another country) and I find it overwhelming. I am not used to sharing my life and decisions with others. DH had to explain to them that if I was sitting by myself reading a book then I was happy and they didn’t need to find things for me to do/entertain me.
You need to get your DH onside to be a bit of a buffer for you. Explain to him that his family is great and very kind but you are not used to full on family life so can he help you find a balance.

YANBU

Absolutely stick to your guns and don’t have anyone coming to stay when baby is born, let people know you’ll not make any plans until the baby is here as you’ve never done this before and don’t know how you’ll feel physically or emotionally. That’s what we did. Had visitors from two and a bit weeks old, for a few hours only.

You will need to start asserting yourself and your boundaries as a mother now before the baby arrives, or you’ll end up completely subsumed with your child into your husbands family. Suffocated.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude thanks for your reply. Feel like you’re one of the few who gets how I feel. I’m also very private and self reliant and not used to having lots of people in my face ... thanks yes dh just struggles to understand because we have such different family circumstances

@Sharkerr thanks. Just find it hard as dh is making me feel unreasonable that I don't want them here a few days after ...

In the nicest possible way i think you need to tell your in laws how you feel. You come across as very nice and sensible woman. Just explain what you said here to your mil/sil.
If they want you to be happy (and it sounds like they do) they'll try and make it work for both of you.
By being honest and true you're not being rude. If you present things in a genuine way (like you did here) there is no reason why they would get upset.
They are your family too now. You cant keep it all in.

I do get it too babygirl. It's still reality though that they won't get it unless it's communicated to them. Your dh is the main issue for you to deal with - he doesn't have to understand just know that you, personally, don't want a load of people around days after having given birth.

I think in this scenario all you can do is explain that you are sorry he feels uncomfortable with your decision, but as the person going through labour this is one decision you have to be in control of.

He isn’t the one who is going to have a swollen heavily bleeding painful vagina or stitches across your stomach.

As someone who recently went through labour I could barely walk for days. Absolutely no way would I have wanted anyone around while recovering but DH.

You have to go back a stage for him. His family is normal for him; he knows no different. You need to get him to understand that the issue isn’t his family, it would be the same whoever it was even a good friend of yours. You are just more reserved and sometimes it all gets too much.

As for the birth, tell him you will see how you feel as it’s going to depend on how the delivery went.

It sounds like they are lovely people but a bit too full on...

Yes no growing up with a family is hard I have not had one since I was 11 so I do understand i am very private and self reliant but the offer was just a way of your mil showing you she thinks of you as a daughter and if you don't want her there straight after your birth explain make a plan for after Xmas for them to visit once you have settled into a routine you just have to stand up for yourself your dh can not do it for you he will never understand as he has never been though what you have

My inlaws lived too far away for a day trip to visit. They were the most hospitable people in the world who'd be mortified if anyone had suggested staying in a hotel instead of at their house. But even they recognised that staying in our house when they came to meet the baby, wouldn't be fair.

So put it to your DH that it's quite normal for visiting family to stay overnight elsewhere after a birth, and that it will make the visit a lot pleasanter and more relaxed for everyone if they come and go rather than spend all their time in the house.

Personally I think the family sound nice, and you need to explain how you feel.
This though, this is a horrible thing to think:
Also doesn’t help that one of his sisters cant have children so she is probably buying loads of stuff as if it was her having the baby

There are nice people in the world, who genuinely are happy and want the best for you. They don't have agendas.

@Babygirl2020 - And I understand that, but you’ve said it yourself you’re totally different to them, and don’t have the family dynamic they all do.
My family live in each other’s pockets too, and I have to fade away into the background as I hate it, however you can’t expect them to know and understand all of this without telling them.
They’re excited grandparents/aunties-to-be, and as it’s been mentioned before, are likely overcompensating for your lack of a good relationship with your father.
If someone says ‘Come on, I’ll treat you to...’ then yes, you choose, however if they say It want to buy a blanket for the baby...’ of course they’ll choose what they like, it’s a gift from them to the baby it’s not for you.

You need to speak to your DH about the visiting though, and making it’s crystal clear you will not be welcoming anybody into your home (even without Covid lurking about) whilst you are either overdue or adjusting to life with a newborn.

Perhaps as you have lost you Mum, they are trying extra hard to be there for you and support you, but obviously it's not right for you. It sounds like they have good intentions. Regards, the gifts just smile and say thank you. You don't have to actually use them if you don't want to. Put your foot down about staying right after the birth.

I remember when I was having my first baby every time we spoke to my MIL she would tell us that she’d bought all his clothes for the first year and that we weren’t to buy anything for him. It really got to me at the time because I felt that I was being robbed of the chance to chose nice clothes that I liked for my baby. I actually had sleepless nights about it. She is very controlling generally and has terrible taste!!

Then I realised that I could just put anything she’d bought that I didn’t like in a cupboard pending the charity shop and do just as I pleased and buy what I wanted for him.

In the end she had actually only bought about three items for each age bracket so it’s a good job I bought him some newborn baby clothes or he’d have been out of clothes on his first day!

As long as the gifts are in good faith (rather than to buy an element of control over you) then just smile and thank the family and do what you please with whatever they have bought!

As regards people coming to stay, you need to manage their expectations early on. Don’t commit to having anyone to stay in your house, keep the whole thing open but make sure they know that they are very welcome and you will let them know when you are ready for visitors.

I would try not to stress over the gifts, you will receive lots for your little girl that you won’t like!! Nod, smile, put away in a drawer

In regards to the bigger stuff, you are absolutely right that 2/3 weeks after baby arrival assuming she is on time (which is unlikely!) is too early for a visit when you will be hosting. It’s not wrong to want a month or so to establish yourself as your little family of 3. However, I can see it from their point of view that they will want to meet their newest grandchild. Maybe they could stay nearby and visit for a couple of hours for two days in a row as a compromise. Or ask if they could do some cleaning when they visit to help you!! I agree with others Although it will be overwhelming to you, in the long run it will be lovely for your daughter to have relatives that clearly love her so much already!

Both sets of grandparents had to make a day long trip to visit us. We waited a month and still had them stay in a hotel. It wasn’t personal. Recovering from birth was a big deal for me. Getting breastfeeding established was a big deal. I couldn’t handle visitors who would want to stay for hours on end before that point.

On gifts, pick your battles. Use what you can, donate what you can’t. Don’t let them take away anything that matters to you like “first outfit” or the pajamas for Christmas morning (just examples, pick your own things that matter) Do let them pick out clothes for days you don’t care about.

The thing is, no-one knows what their labour and birth are going to be like, or how they will feel afterwards, and your DH hasn’t a clue. I hope your MIL and SILs don’t think they are visiting simply to monopolise your baby. If anything they should visit a couple of hours and do plenty of chores for you, then have a cuddle with the baby. It took a fortnight before I started to feel human after birth. Some people are luckier, but your DH needs to understand the enormity of what you could go through, and protect you.