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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist they distance?

42 replies

Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 09:58

Unsure whether this is a covid or a AIBU, tbh it’s a AIBU about covid but will request it’s moved to covid if more appropriate. Please no abuse, I’m willing to be told AIBU and will accept that.

(It’s particularly hard as I feel I’m dictating to my own parents/siblings and being ‘the awkward one’)

We are part of a 3 household ‘bubble’ linked because of caring duties. We don’t hug or kiss but there is at least one person from each household entering the other on a pretty much daily basis to provide care (no way around this now work is back) so we are somewhat relaxed with each other when we do meet.

(Our bubble includes a cancer patient, pregnant woman, small baby, MH issues, very elderly and a diabetic so we are protective of it)

The issue is that one of our bubble (my sibling) has moved their partner in and become a fourth household. Care is still needed so we accepted this. All talked about and agreed beforehand.

It’s come to light that the partner is still planning to see (and not socially distance from) their large family who live in a very high risk area (we do not), the partners parents are even coming to stay with them for a week and they run a business which has them interacting daily with children and not socially distancing from them either.

I felt uncomfortable at this sudden development and have basically said, if they choose to see the partners family and not socially distance then we have to insist they properly socially distance from us/ the rest of our bubble. Partner will then have to take over all care/support for my sibling.

The partner is very upset. My sibling is very upset. My parent (siblings regular carer) is upset. I’m getting the feeling they think I’m BU but from my point of view this wasn’t what we agreed to.
AIBU?

Really need some outside perspective.

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 21/07/2020 10:06

Do you still plan to live like that in a year or two’s time if there’s no vaccine? Just be sensible about it. It boils down to you dictating other people’s relationships which is probably what their upset about.

Finfintytint · 21/07/2020 10:07
  • they are
Shoxfordian · 21/07/2020 10:09

You're basically ignoring guidelines with your three household bubble anyway, it was only ever supposed to be two households. The chance of contracting covid has reduced so I do think that you are unreasonable in your op as well

LillianBland · 21/07/2020 10:13

You’re right OP. There was an outbreak within an extended family bubble, here in NI a week or so ago. Different households and over 20 people diagnosed.

It’s all very well people being upset about it, but I personally couldn’t live with the guilt of losing one of those vulnerable people, due to having a ‘you’re over reacting attitude’. It’s easier to live with people thinking you’re over reacting, than the guilt of knowing you under reacted and someone suffered as a result.

TitianaTitsling · 21/07/2020 10:14

The sibling who has moved a partner in is the one you as a family 'bubble' are all providing care for?

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 11:44

@TitianaTitsling

No, sorry I should have been clearer. There are 3 people requiring high levels of care between 3 households. Then two people needing lower levels of care (sibling one of these two).

During lockdown this could all be managed within individual households but since people have gone back to work it no longer can due to a cancer diagnosis during lockdown.

OP posts:
Thymeout · 21/07/2020 11:50

People seem to have a blind spot about 'family', as if, because they're related, it's a lower risk to associate with them than others they don't know as well.

In fact, of course, as Lilian points out, the opposite is true. Many Covid clusters start in family groups because they spend more time together indoors and familiarity means it's more of an effort to remember to keep a distance.

The more family groups involved and the bigger the groups, the greater the risk, because each family member will be coming into contact with more outsiders.

Stick to your guns, Op. The scientists are on your side.

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 11:53

Basically more care is now needed between these 3 households than any one household can independently provide.

For example;

Elderly relation living alone (Household A) needs substantial daily care. Cannot move in with any other house due to lack of facilities.

Household B used to provide full care for them but during lockdown an adult in household B was diagnosed with cancer and now needs care too. Household C now has to share caring for household A with household B. Household C can not provide full care for household A as household C also has a small baby and a job!

^ this is the type of situation that’s lead to the interlinking

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2020 11:56

So sibling with lower care needs had moved their partner in and the partner is setting other people? So partner provides care and the rest of you see them socially distanced.

Was this sibling providing any care to anyone else?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2020 11:59

@Pumpertrumper

Basically more care is now needed between these 3 households than any one household can independently provide.

For example;

Elderly relation living alone (Household A) needs substantial daily care. Cannot move in with any other house due to lack of facilities.

Household B used to provide full care for them but during lockdown an adult in household B was diagnosed with cancer and now needs care too. Household C now has to share caring for household A with household B. Household C can not provide full care for household A as household C also has a small baby and a job!

^ this is the type of situation that’s lead to the interlinking

So that's two people requiring high care, Aand one from B. Is sis with the partner. In C? Who else has high care needs and who are the two with low care needs?
Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 12:09

@SleepingStandingUp

The other person has significant MH issues and I didn’t want to go into too much complicated detail, ^ just wanted to provide an example above of how/why this situation has occurred. So high needs are elderly, cancer and MH.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2020 12:12

I wasnt prying, just trying to work out the logistics.

But sounds like the one who just moved her partner in needs to rely on them fro their care if they need it,, and if they're providing care they need to do so mindfully.

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 12:17

@SleepingStandingUp

No it’s fine, didn’t want you to think I was drip feeding is all. Just didn’t want to overload my example with all the complicated detail and have it confuse/ switch people off.

My sibling does now need to rely on their partner, but my sibling had a condition which means they’re ‘high risk’ and should they catch it I know my Parents (one of whom has cancer) wouldn’t Think twice about looking after them!

The agreement was that they would socially distance from everyone when they moved in together but that’s not happened!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/07/2020 12:17

If the others are happy to mix bubbles then you can only make a decision on behalf of your own household. You either keep your bubble to your household or you accept the slightly increased risk.

I think expecting your sister not to see her partner is rather unfair

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 12:17

My sibling is pretty young btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 12:36

@Sirzy

More than happy for sibling to be living with partner. My issue is partner seeing (and not socially distancing) from their family who live in a different (much higher risk) area (on the verge of being put in lockdown).

I guess I justify our little ‘bubble’ because providing care makes it needed. Whereas siblings partner is seeing their family because they want to and miss them. I find it hard to accept because sibling is high risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 12:58

I’ve tried to keep this as simple as I can but it’s sounding so complicated Confused apologies.

Basically-

  • Sibling (Jon) has moved in his partner (Mary).
  • Both agreed to social distance from everyone. Mary will take over care/support for Jon.

(The rest of Jon’s family are working together to provide care to elderly/unwell members)

  • Jon and Mary want to join Jon’s family bubble. Mary then says she will be still seeing her large family from a high risk area and not social distancing with them.
-Jon’s family (who are bubbled and cautious to protect vulnerable members) think this is too risky so if Mary is going to do this then the rest of the family will have to distance from Jon/Mary.

A big concern of mine is that due to Jon’s young age and vulnerable status, if he were to catch it his DM would feel compelled to care for him. His DM is also the primary carer for a cancer patient and elderly parent. If DM were no longer able to do this then all this care would fall onto me (who already has a small baby and a Job).

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2020 13:12

Like someone else said op, you can only do you. Tell Jon if he and Mary are cuddling with her family you'll keep your distance /see them but not touch them.

Your parents have to make their own decisions unfortunately.

TitianaTitsling · 21/07/2020 13:16

Can elderly family member A get formal care in either privately or from ss? Just thinking that if family Bs needs increase they may have to step down significantly the care they can provide to A?

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 13:26

@TitianaTitsling

It doesn’t seem so.
SS is in very short supply and private would be too costly. House B are already having to sell their home due to finances and house C upsized just before Covid and have a new baby.

The support bubble works currently but is precarious and could easily be derailed.
I have spoken to Jon/Mary and explained they can either be part of the support bubble or see Mary’s family but not both as this will tip the risk/benefit scales.

OP posts:
youhave4substitutes · 21/07/2020 13:38

The whole bubbles, c and b and Jon Mary thing is too hard to follow.

You're pregnant and can't look after your elderly parent alone so you need your sister to help you? But she's mixing with other households so now you don't want her to help because elderly parent has recent cancer diagnosis and everyone is upset?

If you can't care for your parent alone and you can't get help from social services then surely the sister helps?

Also, despite your sibling and parent needing care, you do not have the right to tell them they can't see each other. That is their choice to make not yours.

youhave4substitutes · 21/07/2020 13:40

"I have spoken to Jon/Mary and explained they can either be part of the support bubble or see Mary’s family but not both as this will tip the risk/benefit scales."

You do not have the right to do this. They are vulnerable and offer support to each other. You have literally made up the "risk/benefit scales" and decided what you want regardless of what they want.

youhave4substitutes · 21/07/2020 13:40

"I have spoken to Jon/Mary and explained they can either be part of the support bubble or see Mary’s family but not both as this will tip the risk/benefit scales."

You do not have the right to do this. They are vulnerable and offer support to each other. You have literally made up the "risk/benefit scales" and decided what you want regardless of what they want.

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 13:42

@youhave4substitutes

I’m not pregnant, I have the small baby and it’s my parent who has cancer and grandparent who needs looking after. Sibling is not needed to care for anyone else, sibling requires care themselves.

Sorry/ really did try to explain this well but it is just a very complicated situation.

OP posts:
labyrinthloafer · 21/07/2020 13:51

Just to say this is very complex. What a lot to deal with Flowers

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think you're dealing with a lot of caring needs and being cautious.