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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist they distance?

42 replies

Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 09:58

Unsure whether this is a covid or a AIBU, tbh it’s a AIBU about covid but will request it’s moved to covid if more appropriate. Please no abuse, I’m willing to be told AIBU and will accept that.

(It’s particularly hard as I feel I’m dictating to my own parents/siblings and being ‘the awkward one’)

We are part of a 3 household ‘bubble’ linked because of caring duties. We don’t hug or kiss but there is at least one person from each household entering the other on a pretty much daily basis to provide care (no way around this now work is back) so we are somewhat relaxed with each other when we do meet.

(Our bubble includes a cancer patient, pregnant woman, small baby, MH issues, very elderly and a diabetic so we are protective of it)

The issue is that one of our bubble (my sibling) has moved their partner in and become a fourth household. Care is still needed so we accepted this. All talked about and agreed beforehand.

It’s come to light that the partner is still planning to see (and not socially distance from) their large family who live in a very high risk area (we do not), the partners parents are even coming to stay with them for a week and they run a business which has them interacting daily with children and not socially distancing from them either.

I felt uncomfortable at this sudden development and have basically said, if they choose to see the partners family and not socially distance then we have to insist they properly socially distance from us/ the rest of our bubble. Partner will then have to take over all care/support for my sibling.

The partner is very upset. My sibling is very upset. My parent (siblings regular carer) is upset. I’m getting the feeling they think I’m BU but from my point of view this wasn’t what we agreed to.
AIBU?

Really need some outside perspective.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 21/07/2020 13:52

YANBU your brothers girlfriend has decided that her visiting her family without social distancing is 1. More important than her boyfriends health. 2. More important than his families health. And 3. More important that providing support to you in caring for his and your parents. It means either you risk everyone in your family catching it which would put their lives at risk. Or you take on sole responsibility of caring for your parents to protect them from her irresponsibility.

Original poster

Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 13:59

You do not have the right to do this. They are vulnerable and offer support to each other. You have literally made up the "risk/benefit scales" and decided what you want regardless of what they want

Sorry I think you really have misunderstood my post (easy to do as it’s complicated).

Jon was living with our parents and moved out to live with Mary. Jon wants me to hug Mary whilst Mary also goes around hugging her own extended family. I’ve said no. But this has put the rest of the family in a situation where they can either continue hugging Jon/Mary (and my house will socially distance from them all) or they all stop hugging Jon/Mary and they social distance like originally planned.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 14:04

@labyrinthloafer

Thank you

@Nottherealslimshady

Yes that’s pretty much the crux of it. Atm my DM is doing the lions share of caring as I have a small baby but I’m very aware that should she be unable to for any reason it would all fall to me as Jon is A) vulnerable and B) doesn’t drive and lives in the nearby city.

From my perspective it’s a case of Jon/Mary are currently bringing far more risk to us than they are benefit. Also, there isn’t a ‘need’ for Mary to see her family without social distancing. She could easily distance from them but just doesn’t want to I think. It’s all changed since they moved in.

OP posts:

BigChocFrenzy · 21/07/2020 14:29

Any household that forms a "bubble" with others can choose to withdraw from that bubble at any stage,
if they feel that the risk exceeds the benefit

You and any others in your household should make your decision jointly

It's not within your power to decide what the other households do, though

i.e. you do you

Original poster

Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 15:02

@BigChocFrenzy

Yes, I completely respect that.
The problem with our set up is that the other households in our bubble rely on my house (we depend on each other but Jon isn’t depended upon).

So from Jon’s point of view I’m making my parents decision for them by saying I won’t take any risks. Making them pick between my house and Jon’s house when we know they’ll pick me.

OP posts:

TitianaTitsling · 21/07/2020 15:44

Is there a need to 'hug' what is the care that people are needing? Is it hands on personal care or more making meals, housework etc?

Comefromaway · 21/07/2020 15:55

I'm in a less complicated caring bubble if you want to call it tht of 4 households but both people requiring care live together. Basically mil with dementia requires 24 hour care and her husband who usually provides it was admitted into hospital and is now too weak. So us, sil & her family, and a kind neighbour are in and out of the in laws house. Due to work/family we also had to have mil in our house during fil's hospital stay.

BUT none of us are hugging etc. There is some risk. I was preparing and serving meals for mil, we were helping her to shower and dress and clean her house and we were giving lifts to each other (dh is medically unfit to drive so sil had to drive him sometimes and I had to drive mil). Mil had to visit yet another family member in their home whilst we attended a social services appointment with fil. But a in their s far as possible we are trying to social distance. I have no idea what sil and her family are doing and seeing when they are not with us. We just keep our distance.

Di11y · 21/07/2020 16:52

If your sister now has a partner living with her I don't see why she's expecting care from family anyway. Surely you'd rather your partner did it and was independent as a couple.

user1471500037 · 21/07/2020 16:56

I don't think you can dictate to anybody whether they should social distance

Haretodaygonetomorrow · 21/07/2020 17:01

It is confusing to understand but essentially it seems you’ve decided to go against the government guidelines and make multiple bubbles. I imagine your sibling is struggling to see why that’s ok, but she can’t also do the same I.e. disregard the guidelines.

If you aren’t really providing care then you shouldn’t be in their ‘bubble’ in the first place.

Comefromaway · 21/07/2020 17:03

Providing essential care isn’t bubbling. You should take as many precautions as you can but you can’t stop others breaking the rules.

Original poster

Pumpertrumper · 21/07/2020 17:20

I said ‘hug’ to avoid writing ‘not socially distancing from’ over and over again.

We don’t actually really hug very much. Occasionally the MH sufferer is hugged, when really struggling.

Care is generally housework, meals, shopping...etc but there is also personal care, showers, baths...dealing with them being very unwell!

OP posts:

TitianaTitsling · 22/07/2020 07:51

Can John get all the support they are needing from Mary and her family if its more practical and social support? If person B with the cancer diagnosis is needing personal care I would absolutely think they are entitled to at least an assessment from ss (in Scotland so don't know if where you are is different) do they have a specialist oncology nurse as they could help with this via MacMillan perhaps?

TitianaTitsling · 22/07/2020 07:52

www.macmillan.org.uk/

Mydogisthebestest · 22/07/2020 07:55

But you were a,ways allowed to provide care without bubbling anyway?

AlternativePerspective · 22/07/2020 08:19

So let’s get this straight:

Without all the other households in the mix, John was living with your parents. Both john and your parents have care needs. John then moved in with his partner and assumed that his care would continue even though he now has a partner who can do it, and said partner has a large family she is seeing on a regular basis.

Assuming you are a carer and not someone who is needing care, I would say that obviously their dynamic has changed, and that because john has his own care, you will no longer be providing care while all these extended families are mixing together.

You can’t make them social distance, but you can distance yourself from them.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/07/2020 08:27

Blimey.

Can't work out where the pregnant woman fits in at all - two of the households must be huge if the third only has one person living in it!

I think part of the problem is that you have confused the concept of bubbles with the need to provide essential care - the latter has always been permitted and is nothing to do with the household bubbles really.

I think you can only make decisions for your household. So if you feel that your household is at too much risk if you continue to see Jon and Mary, then you refuse to do so. Everyone else then has to decide what they are comfortable with. I don't know what this does for all the caring responsibilities because I have no idea where the diabetic, the MH issues, and the pregnancy are. But you can't make decisions about the level of risk others are prepared to accept - only your own and your family's.

You also need to consider what will happen if the Covid situation continues indefinitely, as is very likely. We will probably be living with it for years and years - will you not see Jon and Mary again, then?

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