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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my neighbour what on earth is going on?

86 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 21/07/2020 07:02

I live in a duplex. My neighbour has a son the same age as mine, they attend the same school. When we first moved in, she was initially friendly. Gave us a bottle of wine and introduced herself. The boys did not hit it off. They had a run in at school (my son’s only, her son has since had issues with several children). The school dealt with it and didn’t even notify me. I only know because she came over to tell me that her son wasn’t interested in playing with mine or having him over to visit because of this. They were 6. We haven’t had an issue like this before and I was horrified, made my son apologise, he baked them biscuits. She sent me a message asking if they could meet at the park, my son did not want to go. So I made a polite excuse. This was 3 years ago now, nothing further has happened between the boys.
Our front doors are side by side and one day, she just started to pretend she didn’t see us. When we said hello (including my 4 year old daughter) she would ignore us. It’s obvious she’s also told her children to do the same. BUT her husband is friendly! Comes over to our side for a chat. Leans across her to wave! She started to do the same to our lovely neighbour on the other side at the same time. They also have boys the same age, our boys are friendly and play together. We are all nice people, it’s so strange and unpleasant. If she sees me outside she runs inside. It’s been like this for a couple of years now, I have no idea why.
It’s now escalated that she seems to really actually hate us. She drives a sports car and we left for the school run at the same time two weeks ago. It was very clear that she was driving very aggressively in order to get in front of our car!! I was driving at the speed limit and she was cutting out around me in school zones to get in front of us. It was so crazy, I can’t believe it was happening. I still can’t, we all had children in the car?! She allows her dog to poo in front of our letterbox. So technically not our property because it’s the nature strip, but we need to walk there. She only picks it up on her side. It’s quite an aggressive thing to do.
She’s become friends with a group of school Mums that Id describe as the cliquey school Mums, and she’s been gossiping about me to them, it’s gotten back to me indirectly. Stupid inane thing like I have a cleaner even though I’m a stay at home Mum. Just dumb stuff like that. The other Mums aren’t mean, but they do gossip a lot, and socialise together (during normal times) and I haven’t been interested in this, but am always warm and friendly when I see them at birthday parties, I’ll have a chat. I realised the gossip was happening because they all knew we got a new car... neighbour has to have told them.
It’s all just so weird and uncomfortable and awkward for me son. He’s befriended a kid and wants them to come over. But the Mum is close with my neighbour and it would just feel so awkward having them come next door? But I also don’t want to feed into this craziness.
We are good neighbours. We keep to ourselves, our home and garden are tidy. We are quiet and go to bed by 9 (we have a baby). We also have a dog but it lives inside, so we don’t disturb them. I could ignore it, but for the fact that it’s unpleasant every time I come home wondering WHY she’s acting like that, it’s beginning to impact my son’s social life, and it’s turned from rude to more aggressive with the driving and the poo.
Our other neighbours fee the same as us- just baffled and awkward.
Should I say something? Can I? Or is this just inviting drama and unpleasantness. I’ve been hoping they will just move. It’s not a serious bad neighbour situation but it’s just crap, you know?

OP posts:

ichifanny · 21/07/2020 09:02

She’s sounds like an arsehole and has taken a dislike to you for some unknown reason . Perhaps she’s someone who likes to be queen bee and you made her doubt herself . I had a similar problem with a neighbour who lived next to me , our daughters didn’t get on and she made it strange at school by talking about me to people . I kept quiet and dignified apart from setting people straight of she got too chatty about me .Eventually she did the same to a few other people and made herself look like a loon eventually . She eventually moved and left the school as she had burnt so many bridges .

Haretodaygonetomorrow · 21/07/2020 09:06

@SquarePeggyLeggy

Just to be clear, we haven’t exchanged a word in 3+ years. So she’s talking about me, not to me. And we don’t know each other. So have no idea what she can say?!

I have a neighbour like this. I’m quiet, keep a tidy home. It’s bullying, no doubt about it. My neighbour will moan about me to anyone who will listen. They don’t have any friends, and hate that I get along with most people.

I make a point of not speaking about them to other neighbours, but when other people bring him up they call him a ‘nutter’ ‘trouble maker’, so people will see through your nasty neighbour.

I don’t know what to advise you. I’d normally say ignoring is the best option but can empathise completely that sometimes that approach doesn’t help. All I can say is that it’s a reflection that she must be a very sad and bitter person to be targeting you like this.

blurpityblurp · 21/07/2020 09:07

Oh for god sake, I'm not being thread police I just don't understand the huge life story for nothing. I though OP was looking to be friends with the neighbour. If not then fine, carry on with your day and ignore them.

Do you not know how to read?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/07/2020 09:27

She allows her dog to poo in front of our letterbox. So technically not our property because it’s the nature strip, but we need to walk there. She only picks it up on her side. It’s quite an aggressive thing to do.

She should pick up ANYWHERE. You are right - it is a very passive-aggressive thing to do - not only because it is unhygienic but because people may think that your dog is responsible and report you to environmental health of something.

I would do as Bawbags suggested and ask her husband if he knows how you have upset her. Just having to tolerate all of this snide playground behaviour must be vary wearing.

Don't let it affect your son's friendships, though. Just invite the other boy round to play.

Is her son still disruptive at school, do you know?

LunaLula83 · 21/07/2020 09:30

Your fuck budget is way too high

ivykaty44 · 21/07/2020 09:48

just say good morning, good afternoon and good evening and let her ignore you. but actually speak and in a friendly tone - keep doing it. Then after about a month continue with - hope you have a good day, hope you had a good day. Again in a friendly tone, ignore that fact there is no response

if she says anything negative about your greetings and well wishes

say - im being friendly as it makes for a much friendly place and we live next door to each other - we don't have to be best buddies but being pleasant is much nicer

Choppedupapple · 21/07/2020 09:50

In this situation I would always be friendly, bright and breezy. Smile, wave, say hello, good morning whilst carrying on my business. In a few years she will struggle to recall the fall out, your DC will have grown up and others will see you being friendly.

Martamaybe · 21/07/2020 09:52

Her behaviour would definitely upset me. I think I would try and speak to her but not to rake over past events . I’d guess she felt slighted after the park invitation was turned down . I think you hurt her feelings and she’s still trying to hurt you back. I know you have done absolutely nothing wrong but you have to decide what you want Op. You’ve got nothing to lose if you go around and ask her to share a glass of wine in the garden because it doesn’t sound like your relationship could get much worse or upset you more .

jojobar · 21/07/2020 10:00

OP sounds pretty odd to me.

Your neighbour clearly doesn't want to speak to you. Why on earth harass her by constantly saying hello or telling your irritating kids to do so? It's rude and ignorant. Keep yourselves to yourselves, don't keep trying to make conversations happen and you'll probably find life a lot easier.

I have no idea why some neighbours feel this enforced desire to be 'friends'. Knocks me sick and is why I can't wait to move to a detached house down a long driveway away from such irritations!

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2020 10:09

I think the summary version is: bully mum, bully son.

loobyloo1234 · 21/07/2020 10:16

You sound lovely @jojobar

OP never said she wanted to be friends with her neighbour. Maybe you need to learn how to read?

Getagripffs · 21/07/2020 10:18

He’s befriended a kid and wants them to come over. But the Mum is close with my neighbour and it would just feel so awkward having them come next door?

Have him over! Absolutely do not let her pettiness affect your son's social life.
She's a petty person. But you can't change that. Just don't let your (understandable) feelings about her affect your behaviour.

Coldspringharbour · 21/07/2020 10:22

@cuntryclub

I don't think OP wants to be her friend either?

Then there is no need for a huge thread about it. Surely you simply get on with your life and ignore?

There’s no need for a thread on most of the stuff that’s on mumsnet but we’re all here to read things we are interested in. If you weren’t interested you could have just scrolled on by.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 21/07/2020 10:22

BUT her husband is friendly! Comes over to our side for a chat. Leans across her to wave! She started to do the same to our lovely neighbour on the other side at the same time. They also have boys the same age, our boys are friendly and play together. We are all nice people, it’s so strange and unpleasant. If she sees me outside she runs inside

She starts waving at the other neigbours when her DH waves and speaks to you?!
She sounds about 5, I don't think I'd be able to stop laughing!
Sadly these people do exist, I encountered one of them when DS1 was at primary - she was utterly bizarre, and the playground clique nonsense I know exactly what you mean - I think some people just never grow out of the school playground themselves.
Laugh and move on, doesn't sound like she's worth the headspace lol.

OhCaptain · 21/07/2020 10:28

Invite the other kid over.

Ignore the gossip - it's no different to you chatting to nice neighbour about bad neighbour, after all.

Get on with your life.

Slow down if she's being a dick.

Tell dh about the poo.

There's not much else you can do!

EKGEMS · 21/07/2020 10:38

I'd be tempted to smear the dog poo over the windshield of her fancy sports car! I'd definitely speak up to her about the driving incident and say "I don't know what your issue is but next time you drive recklessly and endanger myself or my children I'm calling the police"

justilou1 · 21/07/2020 10:57

I’d be tempted to ask her husband if she was quite well, as she seemed to be driving quite erratically and you were quite concerned for the kids safety.

Brefugee · 21/07/2020 11:01

I think you missed a trick when the school didn't tell you about the behaviour. I'm guessing it's because next-door's kid was the instigator and it wasn't the first time?

In any case: mention to her or her DH about the dog poo. Don't you have laws about that in Australia? (otherwise pepper sounds good). As for the driving - hang back and let her get stopped by the police. She sounds like a bit of a knob but don't show you'Re bothered by it or be seen to be contacting the police in case she turns into a bunny-boiler.

As for inviting the other kid, it's you who'd feel uncomfortable or the other mum? that wasn't quite clear. In any case: just invite the kid over!

HexyAndIKnowIt · 21/07/2020 11:03

Rise above it. Grey rock completely, and flick the poo back on her side.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 21/07/2020 11:16

She sounds utterly bat crap

Jellybeansincognito · 21/07/2020 11:17

Just be the bigger person and ignore it all. Nothing will come back on your son if you do this.

Just continue to smile etc.

Thislittlelady · 21/07/2020 11:38

Ignore ignore ignore.... very very similar thing happened to me. Friendly with neighbour family, kids played, said hello had a chat... friendly acquaintances not friends..... then started being weird. Not saying hello back, ignoring us, running inside and lowering head of/when they saw us. Driving car past ours and swerving towards it..... pulling kids in when mine were out .... weirdos. This was years ago. They’re still the same. Absolutely no idea why. Kept saying hi if I saw them for about a year cos I didn’t know what the problem was but eventually gave up cos they were just acting so strange. Don’t talk now at all. Still don’t know why. But their life I guess! They talk about us with other neighbours and you know cos they have that guilty silence when you appear. Don’t bother with them. Let your son be friends with the nice people. And leave the weirdos to themselves.

Jaxhog · 21/07/2020 11:40

It does sound odd.

It might be worth asking her for a chat on the basis that you'd like to know if you've inadvertently offended her in some way. Perhaps she thinks that you (or possibly your son) have done something that you haven't. Sometimes people can become convinced that something is happening when it isn't. For example, last year, my neighbour was convinced that we were growing ivy that was destroying her fence. It was only when we persuaded her and her DH to come and look that we were able to demonstrate that the ivy was only growing in HER garden! Until that point, she had started to tell our other neighbours what inconsiderate, nasty people we were. Maybe your neighbour thinks you're doing something like this?

In the worst case, she will just carry on. But at least you'll know you tried to solve the problem.

LindaSchef · 21/07/2020 11:45

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saraclara · 21/07/2020 11:49

You know it's not you, as she does the same to the other neighbour, so disconcerting as it is, don't let it impact on your life or decisions. I bet the other mums know she's weird too, so won't be taking much notice of what she says. remain friendly with everyone, and let your son invite his other friend round. People will make their own decisions about you based on who you are, not what this woman says.

But yes, most importantly don't let it impact on your son's invitations to his friends.

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