To ask my neighbour what on earth is going on?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I live in a duplex. My neighbour has a son the same age as mine, they attend the same school. When we first moved in, she was initially friendly. Gave us a bottle of wine and introduced herself. The boys did not hit it off. They had a run in at school (my son’s only, her son has since had issues with several children). The school dealt with it and didn’t even notify me. I only know because she came over to tell me that her son wasn’t interested in playing with mine or having him over to visit because of this. They were 6. We haven’t had an issue like this before and I was horrified, made my son apologise, he baked them biscuits. She sent me a message asking if they could meet at the park, my son did not want to go. So I made a polite excuse. This was 3 years ago now, nothing further has happened between the boys.
Our front doors are side by side and one day, she just started to pretend she didn’t see us. When we said hello (including my 4 year old daughter) she would ignore us. It’s obvious she’s also told her children to do the same. BUT her husband is friendly! Comes over to our side for a chat. Leans across her to wave! She started to do the same to our lovely neighbour on the other side at the same time. They also have boys the same age, our boys are friendly and play together. We are all nice people, it’s so strange and unpleasant. If she sees me outside she runs inside. It’s been like this for a couple of years now, I have no idea why.
It’s now escalated that she seems to really actually hate us. She drives a sports car and we left for the school run at the same time two weeks ago. It was very clear that she was driving very aggressively in order to get in front of our car!! I was driving at the speed limit and she was cutting out around me in school zones to get in front of us. It was so crazy, I can’t believe it was happening. I still can’t, we all had children in the car?! She allows her dog to poo in front of our letterbox. So technically not our property because it’s the nature strip, but we need to walk there. She only picks it up on her side. It’s quite an aggressive thing to do.
She’s become friends with a group of school Mums that Id describe as the cliquey school Mums, and she’s been gossiping about me to them, it’s gotten back to me indirectly. Stupid inane thing like I have a cleaner even though I’m a stay at home Mum. Just dumb stuff like that. The other Mums aren’t mean, but they do gossip a lot, and socialise together (during normal times) and I haven’t been interested in this, but am always warm and friendly when I see them at birthday parties, I’ll have a chat. I realised the gossip was happening because they all knew we got a new car... neighbour has to have told them.
It’s all just so weird and uncomfortable and awkward for me son. He’s befriended a kid and wants them to come over. But the Mum is close with my neighbour and it would just feel so awkward having them come next door? But I also don’t want to feed into this craziness.
We are good neighbours. We keep to ourselves, our home and garden are tidy. We are quiet and go to bed by 9 (we have a baby). We also have a dog but it lives inside, so we don’t disturb them. I could ignore it, but for the fact that it’s unpleasant every time I come home wondering WHY she’s acting like that, it’s beginning to impact my son’s social life, and it’s turned from rude to more aggressive with the driving and the poo.
Our other neighbours fee the same as us- just baffled and awkward.
Should I say something? Can I? Or is this just inviting drama and unpleasantness. I’ve been hoping they will just move. It’s not a serious bad neighbour situation but it’s just crap, you know?

OP may not want to be her friend but surely you can understand how unpleasant this all feels? The aggressive driving, the gossiping, the worry that it’s going to impact OP’s son’s social life?

OP I agree with the others - I dont think any approach to this woman is going to end well. Keep on being your cheery friendly self (esp with the husband - at least he doesnt seem to inhabit the playground c 10 yrs old) but I absolutely would not let it impact your boy having his new friend over. Plus that means that at pick up/drop off of said friend, the other mother will see that you are completely normal and lovely and that your neighbour is batshit!

Sorry, I really didn't mean to come across as 'thread police'. I just don't give much time or thought to dickhead neighbours.

Are you in the UK OP? There are rules about leaving dog mess like that and if you're not bothered by neighbourly relations, get that cow recorded and send the evidence to the relevant authority. In the UK you're perfectly legal to film public areas such as the patch of land outside your property.
And then I would advise front and rear dash cams for the car. They're worth their weight in gold if anything every happens. You can send the videos in to the police if you have her on camera driving dangerously. And she doesn't have to know it's you if the authorities don't show her the videos. And even if they do, so what? She's already being a horrible witch to you.

What are nature strips? And what's a duplex? You American? (Misses point of thread).

I'd just keep ignoring her for now and if the gossiping gets worse and more bitchy then I'd pull her. Not at school or in front of the kids.

This woman is completely nuts - very toxic.

The problem eith people like this (and I speak from bitter experience) is that they torment their targets vis lots of little vile devices that, when viewed alone, seem like nothing. Then, if their target reacts in any way, they perform DARVO and the poor target ends up looking like the aggressor.

Nothing - not one single good thing - will happen that us positive if you attempt to engage her in a reasonable fashion.

Her actions are designed to unsettle you, put you on edge, make you feel threatened but you cannot react, because no one will be willing to listen to you.

Unfortunately, all you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore - let her keep pulling out more rope.

I’m Australian. The nature strip is the grass between your front fence/property line and the street. It sometimes has a footpath on it. It’s the owner’s responsibility to mow it but it doesn’t belong to them.
A duplex is a big house that’s been split into two smaller houses, but is still one big structure if that makes sense. I guess like a terrace but more of a converted house usually.

Maybe the school didn't tell you because it was very minor or her son was the agressor but was stopped.

I would just get on with your life. Don't not invite people over because of her.

Bright and breezy hi " ignory neighbour "-everytime you see her. Don't lower yourself and ignore her.

I think it sounds like she is a bit bored and wants to create drama. I would say hello when you see her, and try not to let it bother you. Don't let her stop you inviting your sons friend over, just keep being your lovely self and people will realise she is being a drama queen. I would mention the dog poo to her husband.

There are three options here op.

Ignore it and just be all smiley when you see her.
Fight fire with fire and confront her and say stuff to others,
Play nicely in the mode that you catch more wasps with sugar rather than vinegar, so invite her and her husband round for a drink, do it via the husband, be enthusiastic oh we’d love to see you and your —horrid— wife why don’t you come round for socially distanced drinks at the weekend kind of thing, then if they come round, be nice as pie.

Hello from another Aussie

Dogs like to sniff before they poop pop a bit of pepper in the grass it won't hurt the dog but it may stop the behaviour

Make sure your not seen doing it if she blames you she will look batshit

Ignore ignore ignore. Be polite if the Dh chats, just blank her right back.
Also as things come back from other parents, look confused and say "How does she know so much about me, she hasn't spoken to me in 3 years! She's batty and making stuff up" Then change the subject.
Tell her dh to get the poop cleaned up, pretend she isn't there.

This is the kind of thing that would really unsettle me too OP.
She sounds sneaky and toxic. The other mums may already have her pegged - most people can see through this shit.
If the DH is on side mention the dog poo to him, or better still get it to come from your DH. The car incident, get a dash cam and report her if it happens again.
Try and crack on with your son's social life but if it really is impacted i would mention it to the school.
I absolutely wouldn't engage with her though.

Talk to the husband about the dog poo. Keep it neutral; 'the dog' not 'your wife'.

I think she feels humilated by her son's behaviour towards other children and has adopted 'attack as the best form of defence'. She's making herself invulnerable, so that she can't be dragged down by association with his behaviour. She has rejected being known and ostracised as 'the bully's mum' and opted for being an untouchable 'cliquey mum' instead.

Ignore her nonsense. Do NOT limit your or your son's social life. Smile and wave fleetingly, as necessary.

The only real risk with having the other boy over to play in your garden, is that her other boy joins in and dominates / invites him over to his garden. That would upset your son. I would avoid that, for your DS's sake, by either having an indoor play, or taking them to the park to play outdoors.

She (the neighbour) sounds barmy. But ignoring a bully doesn't make them go away, quite the opposite. You do need to keep her at arm's length (she's not a nice person, do not share any important info with her), but you may also want to be more proactively social: say hello with a big smile, maybe engage with other school mums just a teeny bit more, so that they see more of your good true self and less of the (possibly nasty) rumors. In other words, fight back with (costless) niceness (do not spend lots of time and energy on this though, you don't need to get anyone to actively like you. They may or they may not. Just make sure you do enough to push back against the fears your neighbour has been seeding in your head. It's about making you feel better/not afraid to say "hello! ", even if it's not reciprocated)

@cuntryclub

I don't think OP wants to be her friend either?

Then there is no need for a huge thread about it. Surely you simply get on with your life and ignore?

What a bizarrely spiteful comment. You do know that MN is a forum where people can share problems affecting them, no matter how big or small? I think you're on the wrong site otherwise.

Being as the school didn't tell you last time there were 'issues' between the boys, do you think that this may have continued to be the case? Scbool may not be informing you, but it could be that there is something more going on between the boys during school hours, and neighbour is pinning it on your son? It may make her feel sniffy about talking to you (particularly if it's obvious to everyone else that HER son is the perpetrator), and that's why she's keeping all the cliquey mums on side - because they will instantly turn on her less-than-perfect son if she doesn't?

Might be reaching a bit here, but her behaviour smacks to me of shame and embarrassment.

It shouldn’t affect your son, other parents will know she is odd. The driving I would be tempted speak about but the best policy is probably just to ignore (and to tell the truth brightly ‘she doesn’t actually talk to me’. I have seen this play out a few times and weirdly over involved always gives itself away!

Crack on and ignore. Nod and smile when socially appropriate but apart from that, do not engage. You don’t have to be mates or even friendly just share a party wall and your kids are at the same school.

The fact that her husband is normally friendly and polite indicates she probably has a history of this sort of behaviour and he has learned to rise above it. Follow his example and do the same. And don’t waste any more time trying to unpick the rights and wrongs of a minor playground incident three years ago. Even the children involved won’t have a clear memory of it now. It’s in the past, leave it there.

Its awful when people behave like this.Its not a healthy way to live neither for her or for you and the kids.
Personally I would brave it and ask to have a word with her .Neighbours dont always have to be friends.But at least they can be civil for peace of mind sake.

Have your sons friend over OP. You can't let her dictate your life. She doesnt like you anyway so it'll do no more harm

Just be civil. Don't get sucked into whatever her drama is. If you see her, just a smile or "hi" and carry on. If you're leaving for school at the same time, just wave her past first. What's she going to do, complain to the mum clique that you were civil? If the dog poo is an issue, maybe just mention it in passing to the husband.

You can’t reason with her. Don’t try and talk to her, just accept it. I also would be cross with the school for not telling you about the incident. However live your life as normal. It is possible.

My Exes family all live near and totally ignore me, I’ve done absolutely nothing to them. Some people are just mean inside.

They had a run in at school (my son’s only, her son has since had issues with several children). The school dealt with it and didn’t even notify me. I only know because she came over to tell me that her son wasn’t interested in playing with mine or having him over to visit because of this. They were 6. We haven’t had an issue like this before and I was horrified, made my son apologise, he baked them biscuits. She sent me a message asking if they could meet at the park, my son did not want to go. So I made a polite excuse. This was 3 years ago now, nothing further has happened between the boys.*

This is all key - this is what has led to everything else. What did she say when she came over? Did she say that they dont want to be friends or that there was an incident between the two.

And didnt you at any point ask your son what happened because you made him make biscuits but then allowed him to say no to the park?