To ask do you think you can have a successful marriage if you and your children have no relationship with in-laws whilst husband has a close relationship?

[CandyCoatedRaindr0ps]

Trying to avoid drip feeding specifics as it is very very long winded, and I just wondered on a more general basis what others feelings were around this, and if anyone actually has this situation?

The grandchildren should get to have a relationship with their grandparents

Doubtful. The pressure would immense on your husband to serve his children to his parents on their demand. That pressure will roll.down to you causing friction in the marriage

@Angeldust747...You have no way of knowing that

Why don’t the children see their grandparents?

Unless there is an enormous backstory, which I'm guessing there must be, I think it's strange the gcs have no relationship with their GPs. Unless the son has a relationship with them just to support them, but they're otherwise very antisocial or something. Hard to say basically without knowing the specifics, sorry.

Regarding the GC, the GP's are very controlling, manipulative and guilt tripping. They have also been heard bad mouthing their DIL (the mother of the children) to their other GC. I believe a relationship with them could prove to be extremely detrimental.

I think the children need to have a relationship with the GPs. Don’t think the mother necessarily needs to but clearly it makes life harder if she doesn’t.

It also partly depends on how much you as a couple want to live as part of an extended family. If you were both quite self contained it wouldn’t have to be a dealbreaker. If the DP wants to spend a lot of time with them and you don’t it could be difficult.

I assume this is you?

Then ultimately, no.

If your husband wants to be close to his parents, he will eventually want his children to be close to them too. Or want to make his parents happy.

I’d say the odds are stacked against you op

Do you have children with this man or are you considering it?

GP have no rights over their GC. If the grandparents have behaved badly and are disrespectful to the mother of the children, then as far as I am concerned they don't deserve access. I grew up never knowing any of my grandparents (died before I was born) and don't feel any worse off for this.

No, I don’t think you could. Family is very important to me and I would be very upset if DH didn’t get on with mine or I didn’t get on with his. I think it would cause resentment if I or he had to go alone to visits and we didn’t attend gatherings or events as a unit.

Thankfully though I love my in-laws and DH loves my parents, so I’ve no experience of it. My opinion might be different if that wasn’t the case.

We do it. I’m not interested in having a relationship with my in-laws. Big back story that almost broke us. DH was under some illusion that I was to facilitate, cater and run about for all his side of the families interactions and do it without thanks. After 10 years I broke and I stepped back. It’s been amazing! It wasn’t making me happy or DH or the children. Now if he wants the kids to see his parents he organises it. He calls them every week. It has nothing to do with me and it’s been such a relief for our relationship as a couple. They were the number one topic of arguments. They’re not bad people they just have control issues and think they know best.

Op gave no background, with nothing to go on surely the starting point is that there should be a relationship?

@Cherryhill22

GP have no rights over their GC. If the grandparents have behaved badly and are disrespectful to the mother of the children, then as far as I am concerned they don't deserve access. I grew up never knowing any of my grandparents (died before I was born) and don't feel any worse off for this.

I totally agree, but could you stay with a man who still wanted to have a good relationship with his parents who were like this? I mean...maybe I would, but I would find it so hard.

I very much doubt it.

Your DC might want to know their GP when older..., If you were to ever split with DH, then he would take them to the GP anyway.
Has DH told you he wants the DC to see his DP?

It would be very awkward for DH and this would be a strain on the marriage

Do the DC see your parents with ease? If so this would build greater resentment.

Are the children old enough to have an opinion of their own?

Need more information details.

Depends what the in laws have done and how fair, opening, kind they have been to the dil?

Why did the relationship break down?
If they were horrid from the off then, no, why is the dh taking their side?.. If its somewhere in the middle maybe and if its dils fault then again maybe...

But I would find it hard to be with a man whose dp bad mouthed me all the time and he acted like nothing was going on.

I wouldn’t want a relationship with them if the grandparents are horrible people or have been really unpleasant with the mum or dad. I don’t think a relationship with a grandparent is advisable if the grandparent is toxic.

As far as gp and gc go, I don't think it's healthy for gc to be guilt tripped or bullied into seeing their gp.

I've never met one set of GPs and GM on other side I wish I'd never met to be honest as she's horrible. I don't think a relationship should be forced if the GC aren't interested

Depends.

If it’s because the in laws have behaved badly towards the DIL, including the bad mouthing that you suggest, and the husband accepts this and doesn’t try to push a reconciliation then it may work. But what if he then starts pushing for the children to have a relationship with his parents/ their grandparents? Will he support his wife on that and accept that a relationship with someone who bad mouths their mother is detrimental or will he be manipulated by his parents into pushing for the children to have contact too? If he accepts that his parents have been so awful as to forfeit a relationship with their grandchildren then what does it say about him that he wants to continue to maintain a close relationship with them? Surely the wife is going to feel resentful that he can still be so close with people that have hurt her so badly?

My friend has no contact with her in laws.
She tried for a lot of years, but it was just too toxic all round. Her husband sees them every few weeks and does take the children, with friend’s blessing, but I do think it still causes tension between them. They seem happy otherwise though and been married a long time.

I think this would be a real strain on a marriage. If dh is very close to parents who dislike their dil to the point that the DIL doesn't want her children exposed to them - well I don't know how that will work out. Your dh loves and wants to be close to people you think unfit to be near your children.