Is it me or DP?

[justcheckingyourenotacake]

Disclaimer - we have a good relationship and are happy most of the time and this is a very rare occurrence.

I feel like I'm going mad when we have certain discussions.

Example: today we were talking over breakfast and I brought up a few different subjects, I was trying to get to a point and said "we know we are damaging the planet" (as in humans not just me and him) and he said "are we though?" I was

Completely derailed the conversation which then went like this:

Me - yes we are its not uncommon knowledge
Him - how do we know that we are, how can you know
Me - (more and more perplexed) why don't you read up and learn more about it before we discuss it anymore
Him - (getting huffy) you can't have a conversation with you this is always your reaction
Me - because you always question the weirdest things, are you saying we are not damaging the planet?
Him - maybe, I don't know how do you actually know
Me - how do you not know?
Him - but we always discuss these things and you can never elaborate when I question things
Me - do you want links? I can send you links.

From then it went back and forth with his points being:

• we are just speeding up the process it probably would've happened some other way if it wasn't for us
• how do you know what damage we are actually doing

Upon me asking if he's not concerned about the world we are leaving for our DCs - how do you know future generations won't be inhabiting a different planet after this ones done - I pointed out why can we not just look after the one we have?

• if it's not us it would've been something else
• you are talking about deforestation but in other places they are replanting trees
• maybe it's all just part of evolution
• how can you know it's us doing the damage - what else?!

When I talked to him about the images I showed him of polluted oceans and suffering animals - what is that actually leading to though?

I don't know if he's trying to very poorly suggest different theories and have a "what if" type discussion or maybe he's got valid points and it's me being daft?
Is he just looking for me to throw evidence his way?

I'm not the best at debates as I don't get my point across very well but I honest feel like banging my head against the wall afterwards. In my head I'm just going "are you seriously questioning IF we are damaging the planet?!"

AIBU and should I be more open to discussion or is he BU and talking crap?

Few things going on here:

a) I agree with you fundamentally and if he is actually a climate denier then you can't have an adult discussion.
b) That said, I think his style of debate is actually legitimate -- he's talking about the need for proper sourcing of claims. Might be irritating in the morning but you can't argue with his logic.
c) It does sound like he's slightly talking down to you/derailing your claim, given that most people accept the need to live more sustainably.

I guess whether it matters or not depends on how good your relationship is. If he does this all the time on every subject and you feel he's trying to put you back in your box, its a problem. If he's just trying to be rigorous then I think you need to let him have it.

Have you considered discussing the weather instead before breakfast, or nothing, silence is lovely pre breakfast.

He sounds a bit hard of thinking, but if he is so different to you, how have you coped so far & how can you say you have a good relationship when he seems to think everything you say is shit?

Why isn’t he allowed to have an opinion? Because it sounds like you want to say your piece without him being allowed to disagree.

I think he thinks he's cleverer than you and likes watching you get irritated and flustered by his obviously idiotic statements/questioning when you can't provide immediate proof of your argument. He's clearly misogynist (and possibly racist, from the 'type of people the government let in' remark). Either way, sorry but he sounds like an irritating twat.

Assuming you're not about to immediately dump him or bury him under the patio, I'd give up trying to engage in reasoned debate with him and go for a smug and superior 'Well, any intelligent or remotely educated person knows that - which just proves that you are neither'.

I had a boyfriend like this. It wouldn't matter what we were talking about- he had to play devil's advocate and adopt the opposite viewpoint from me. He would often derail perfectly casual conversations by turning them into a debate because he enjoyed making me defend a position. Afterwards, he would often say 'actually, I don't really believe what I've been arguing, but I just wanted to see whether you'd thought about it properly'. Which was obnoxious, so I dumped him.

I think it makes a difference whether he's playing devil's advocate to wind you up or whether he has a different way of thinking/debating to you- for your first examples. The other examples would really concern me and I wouldn't be able to let it lie.

You sound really preachy so maybe he’s just trying to either get a rise out of you or is just irritated by you speaking to him like a child. Your right humans are faking the planet but that doesn’t mean that a debate isn’t worthwhile you should g just dismiss him like that.

OP,

He sounds like an absolute dim wit who actually thinks he's clever.

Beyond tedious.

My DH does this. He's very confident and often confuses this with intelligence. He plays devils advocate because he's trying to sound intellectual. He often doesn't understand the actual content of the debate/topic and doesn't like it when others know more than him. The constant deflection is embarrassing to watch. His father is the same so I think it's learned behaviour and a bit of insecurity.

It's called oppositional conversational style!

He's lovely but I just ignore him when he gets like this now. He can't help it 😂

He is arguing a basic premise but your come back of basically telling him to educate himself is smug and irritating.

^^This.

OP is coming out with a series of statements (it's not a debate when you just state something) and not backing these up with facts. I agree with the previous poster that he's most probably doing it to annoy you.

You posting on here because you obviously think you're right. I have friends like you. They come out with a series of statements and get annoyed when you ask them for actual evidence. Close down the 'debate' with factual evidence or he will just (rightly) keep on questioning everything you say.

@SquirrelFan puts it well -I'm not great at remembering statistics and thinking on the spot. But I think the general consensus is - yes we are damaging the planet.
It does feel like if I produced statistics though he would just say "but how do they get these statistics" "how do you know these statistics are right?" "how many tests did they run" "how do they know for sure?" - I don't know if this is his way of trying to be philosophical and open up a bit of a wider "what if" debate but he just doesn't do it very well IMO?

The sexual assault thing is a subject of its own with us @NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite I've just started to shut him down on it. Whilst I understand the world isn't the best place I'm not interested in getting in a debate on why women should be able to do and act as they please without fear of sexual assault or rape as that should be an absolute given. But his argument is - what can we do about it though? How about just agree with me it's horrific regardless of where the perpetrators are from or whatever else might be a factor rather than basically saying "but women need to be aware of the world they live in at the moment and be careful and not do xyz".

He's a lovely person apart from that though, I'm not going to sit here and list all the great things about him as I'm not trying to convince myself or anyone else of that part. If he wasn't a good partner to me and didn't make me happy I would not stay in the relationship.

I’m sorry but he sounds fucking awful. He’s a rape apologist. Why is he questioning whether the majority of rapists are men.. like it’s your job to prove that to him? It’s a fact. Whether or not his lazy arse can be bothered to check/research it doesn’t change that ITS A FACT. I seriously don’t know how anyone could be with someone so devoid of empathy that they can’t just agree sexual assault is bad and have to turn the conversation into a billy big balls display of how smart they are. Please stay with him and protect the rest of us from from having to suffer his stupidity.

But OP you didn't have any answer as to why we are damaging the planet, I would ask you the same question back. It sounds like you couldn't actually debate, because you don't know really know any of the detail. How can you have a debate when you haven't said what is the actual cause? it sounds to me more that you wanted to pick a fight tbh.

Me - yes we are its not uncommon knowledge
Him - how do we know that we are, how can you know
Me - (more and more perplexed) why don't you read up and learn more about it before we discuss it anymore
Tbh telling him to go and do research before he's allowed to have a random conversation with him is annoying and condescending.

@justcheckingyourenotacake

I don't know. The other day we were discussing sexual assault/rape topics and he said stuff like "women need to be more careful and don't drink too much" "women need to be wary of what they dress like when going out because we live in a country with so many cultures mixed together and certain people coming from different religions/backgrounds/cultures in which the woman is a commodity and they come to the uk and have never seen women so liberal and think it's a free for all"

He read an article about a girl being raped by an acquaintance who offered to walk her home after a night out and he said "come on why would she think it's ok for HIM to walk her home - have you seen him?" I was

Well the fact he thinks women who are trapped were basically asking for it is a bit of a drip feed

Aside from what the conversation is about, this is is not how debates work in my household where we have to back it up with fact and argument. Debates are quite naturally occurring for me and DH and if one of us responded "look it up" then we'd assume that person didn't know what they were talking about.

Perhaps he wants a stimulating debate too? You've both got to a stalemate of nothingness.