Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I absolutely should not give this another chance.

34 replies

PollyFiona · 20/07/2020 09:26

I am in my early 30s with one DD, BF is also early 30s with no children. When we first got together 2 years ago I made it clear that I was looking for a longterm relationship and wanted more children in the near future. I was looking for someone to settle down with.

He is a responsible and good man in many regards, kind, funny, caring, stable job, homeowner. I live in a rental so we discussed many ideas ranging from him selling his house, us buying together, him moving in with me for a while. In the end we decided it best for him to keep his house and move in with me for the time being so we can see how it goes before committing to buy together. We do live an hour apart but we can both easily commute from where I live and go back and forth. Throughout our relationship he kept making numerous promises about moving in together, first of all after a year together, then he said he wasn't ready just yet so I waited a little longer... Then he said definitely February this year.... That didn't happen. Then he said August this year, low and behold I have brought up the conversation and he has said he still isn't ready. He has said he kept giving me these months/dates because he was trying to keep me happy. He said it isn't a case of not wanting to be with me, or not wanting to move in ultimately, it isn't a 'maybe' he will one day. He definitely will move in one day but he's just not quite ready yet.

I've split up with him. I've told him I am not sitting around waiting for him to commit to me (and DD) properly. I want to settle down and have more children in the near future, and with DD getting older as well as myself I cannot afford to waste another 6 months, 1 year, on someone who may not ever commit. He assures me that he will commit, he's just not quite ready in the timeframe I would like. But there's not much compromise on his part either, it's simply "wait for me and one day I will might". My attitude is that I just don't want to potentially waste anymore of my time having spent 2 years on this relationship already with no commitment.

YABU - I should give him more time.
YANBU - I shouldn't give him more time.

OP posts:
dreamingmama · 20/07/2020 09:31

I envy you. You sound very assured of yourself and you know what you want.

You did the right thing.. he's time wasting and having his cake.

Don't second think this another moment :)

dontdisturbmenow · 20/07/2020 09:32

What are his reasons for not being ready?

flight2020 · 20/07/2020 09:33

I think you know exactly what you want , I also think he's waiting for someone else to come along but stringing you along as he doesn't want to be alone

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 20/07/2020 09:33

Move on... he's not committed. Sacrifice no more of your life waiting on him

golddustwomen · 20/07/2020 09:34

100% have done the right thing.

pinkyredrose · 20/07/2020 09:36

He has said he kept giving me these months/dates because he was trying to keep me happy so basically he'll say what he thinks he needs to to keep you sweet. Which means you can never really trust what he says.

You definitely did the right thing!

Original poster
PollyFiona · 20/07/2020 09:37

dontdisturbmenow - He has spent a week or so with myself and DD at a time and he has said that after spending a week or two at a time with me and DD, he finds it very intense and needs a few days to himself. He also says being here an hour away from his hometown makes it more difficult to see his friends and family which he's still not completely ready to sacrifice... though my friends all live an hour away from me and I still see them regularly, it's called making an effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyFiona · 20/07/2020 09:38

I told him he's full of bull and I can't trust his word to him last night when all of this happened. pinkyredrose

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 20/07/2020 09:39

So his reasons, which are valid, are not going to change next month or next year.

Sadly it's indeed time to move on.

Anon778833 · 20/07/2020 09:40

He’s being very selfish. You want more children and you have a limited time frame. You have done the right thing, I think.

Evelefteden · 20/07/2020 09:42

I wasted five years doing this. Then met my dh six months later.

If he wanted to commit he really would

Sn0tnose · 20/07/2020 09:43

If, after two years, he’s still finding a week or two with you and your DD to be so intense that he needs time to himself afterwards, this man is never going to give you what you want.

You’ve done the right thing.

Onestepup · 20/07/2020 09:43

YANBU.

MarthasGinYard · 20/07/2020 09:43

You want different things

At least he's eventually been honest.

Lucindainthesky · 20/07/2020 09:44

You've done the right thing. I was in a relationship with a lovely man for 2.5 years but it didn't feel like it was going anywhere. We got together when I was 30 and he was mid 20s, and I'd told him towards the beginning that I was looking for long term commitment.

At the end he was still living at home with his parents and it wasn't the relationship I wanted.

6 months later I met my now DH.

hennybeans · 20/07/2020 09:45

Was he also living with you rent free whilst his house sits there and accumulates equity? Sounds like it was alright for him.

Good for you sticking up for what you want in a relationship.

Ponoka7 · 20/07/2020 09:46

He doesn't want to commit. He is nowhere near ready to be a partner or a parent. Either that or he doesn't want to be a partner to you. It's usually the later. You're convenient. You slot neatly into his life. It's time to split.

BeanbagMcTavish · 20/07/2020 09:49

YANBU. You want different things. He sounds a little bit selfish and immature, tbh - he won't make a decision either way.

totalitarian · 20/07/2020 09:52

You are still both relatively young. My oh and I were together a lot longer than you and he took years to show that level of commitment. He did eventually. And here we are fifteen years later.

If you love each other, trust him, and the commitment is there-albeit maybe a bit further off into the future, it's worth being patient. Guys sometimes don't like it if they feel they are being pressured into something.

If it's a gut feeling that he's never going to commit, then sadly, you are best breaking things off now. Only you can tell

DotDotDotty · 20/07/2020 10:32

A friend of mine is in a similar situation (she's a bit older but has no children). She really wants a child. He's kept her dangling from a string, on the promise of "soon" for over 5 years. She's getting to the age were she is going to only find it harder to conceive. She keeps asking all her friends for advice and we keep saying he's not going to change, he's having his cake and eating it... But she won't let him go.

Don't follow my friends lead... He isn't going to change. Don't let him steal your chance for another child.

Boom45 · 20/07/2020 10:37

Its absolutely fine that he doesnt want to live with you and your daughter but it's also absolutely fine that you want a relationship where your partner does want to do that.
What probably would not be fine is moving your DD in with a man who does not want to be there so leaving him now rather than forcing a living situation on everyone that isnt going to work.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/07/2020 10:43

I think you've done the right thing. Those things that he struggles with aren't going to change. It's always going to be intense spending time with a child, maybe it will get less intense when she is older but worse again when she is a teen. The distance between him and his friends and family isnt going to get any less. If he had a firm plan in place eg he was going to spend 1 day a week at yours and then build it up adding a day on every month and then let out his house for a few months etc then I might be inclined to think he was serious but he sounds quite passive about it all

lukasiak · 20/07/2020 10:51

Yanbu. I'm somebody who never casually dated. If after a year there was no ring on my finger, I peaced out. I always made that very clear from the start.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/07/2020 10:54

As the saying goes - you'll never have to negotiate your way into a heart that wants you there.

Nobody is right or wrong here, you're just incompatible, unfortunately.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 20/07/2020 11:06

I think you're being very sensible and a brilliant example to your daughter. It takes a lot of strength to let your head overrule your heart.